Ways to Cope with Past Child Abuse

This section:

"The Financial Costs of Past Child Abuse
The long-term effects of abusive childhood relationships go beyond mental, emotional, and physical stress. Women who were sexually abused spent an average of $382 more than women with no history of abuse. Women who were physically abused spent $502 more than women who weren’t abused.

Women who were both physically and sexually abused spent $790 more every year than women with no history of abuse."

:isn't real clear. I am going to assume that this is stating that women who have suffered from child abuse spend more money on consumer products a year then those who haven't. Given the paragraph that begins this article though I might think these numbers relate specifically to healthcare though - both make some sense, though I'm not sure exactly what you're saying here.

Good article, overall.

I'm not sure I agree with Dr. Amy Bonomi's statement that its remarkable to see that women are still affected by this into their mid-40s... child abuse can throw off your point of reference for what's right and wrong, as do many types of trauma. A person learns things from being abused - the wrong things. If they're never taught that what happened to them was wrong they may judge other aspects of their life based off of what they've learned.

I fully agree with this article. I was fine, I survived, I got out ran away even. Now I am 40 years old. I live in another country, with a good marriage and 5 of my own children.
I do buy more of the things I couldnt have as a child. This includes animals.
Once I hit 38 something happened to me. Every single day I had flash backs, and now my anxiety is so high for the first time in my life I had to get help because I was scared I was going to have a stroke.
Now I hate sex, I have been having sex for 35 years, and I am sick of it. I dont see it as love I see it as somewhere to park a penis.
Lucky for my kids though, I do NOT repeat anything that happened to me. But I do find myself - forcing my own body and mind every day to do adult things. I dont like cleaning I dont like paying bills, I am worn out.
Its true, women in thier 40's revert back to thier missed childhood when they get older. Men do too. I have seen it.

I was abused physically as a child, and molested by 'friends' of the family.
Due to the molestations and abuse...i find myself emotionally detaching from the people i love who try to touch me. My boyfriend and iu got serious physically and i would find myself losing interest in him or becoming very anxious when we were physical...I'm trying to let go of all of that so i can lead a new life.
This article seems like it can help me
Thank you so much for reaching out to the people who are to afraid.

I've just read the post dated Nov 20, 2008 and she sounds just like me!! Almost anyway. I was never sexually abused, but I was physically abused for 13 yrs, including torture, terrorising, daily violent attacks and two serious attempts on my life. That's not to mention my watching these same things being done to my wonderful, courageous older sister.
I'm 37 now, and have in the last 12 months, begun to have flashbacks. I won't call them memories, because they're more than that. Flashbacks actually put you right back there, where the emotions, the fear and the horror are very real and very current. You don't remember how it felt, you actually FEEL it, like it is happening to you right now.
I haven't gone to find help as I'm trying to manage it on my own, but it's so true - you do ok for a few years, even a couple of decades, then all of a sudden it all comes back to hit you like a tsunami, and it's like it all only happened yesterday. Fears you had forgotten return in full force, emotional hurt you thought you had dealt with, returns with full force, and you feel as vulnerable and lost as you did when this was all happening to you.
I don't know why it happens. I, like other poeple, thought that the older you get, the less of this stuff you carry with you, but it's the opposite. The longer you live, the more you realise just how unfair, cruel, unjust and criminal the way you were treated was...and you start to wonder why you were left to deal with it and protect yourself with no help from anyone, even though what was happening was obvious. It's like you go through so much, and fight so hard to just have a normal life, while others glide easily through childhood. After all that extra hard work, you feel like there should be something great waiting for you in adulthood - like there will be a reward for all you went through and suffered. But there is no reward. You get the same (often less) opportunities in adulthood that everyone else gets. There's no special "reward" for making it, and for surviving and being able to function with the memories, fear and terror you felt for so long. It's the injustice that eats at me the most.

I was abused myself also. What has helped me so much throughout the years has been joining a 12 step program for sex and love addiction, weekly therapy for EMDR with a trusted therapist, journaling, exercise, talking about it, having a good support system, lighting a candle when I'm down and meditation. Even after 4-7 years of all this, which have helped me tremendously, I still have times where the trauma that is still in my cell memory needs to be released and when I started releasing a little, more needed to keep being released. I know now that I will never graduate from the healing work and have accepted that.
Today, I have a beautiful family. Things that I never thought I would have or deserved. I have broken the family legacy of abuse and I am creating a whole new generation (my children) of love and acceptance, and discipline without the need for any form of abuse. I owe all that to the courage I have found through being a survivor of all the abuse itself. I can't ever take it back, but I have definitely developed wisdom and a sense of peace about it.
I think this is a good article if it helps anyone else out there.

Guest: Finally some people who admit that it's a life long curse and we will never be totally healed.I too have stopped the cycle. I am a 57 year old husband and father of two university students. I try to shield them from as much as I can. I should be ecstatic being a part of something I never had growing up. Wrong. Depression is my curse. Even my family own can't give me the love and acceptance that I crave. Some of us are destined to carry that weight I guess. Some days are easier than others. Try to cope. Cheers

Hello from Australia to all the brave women who posted in response to this helpful; albeit brief article. I am Executive Director for an organisation in Australia called Heartfelt House. Our main mission is to support adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We do this through a 18 week program called Taking the First Steps. This program also encompasses workshops for supporters of survivors. I am interested to know what help you have found to be available to you in America. I am planning atrip to the U.S. in early 09 and would like to consult with like minded organisations. Once again congratulations to all of you who posted...you are so very brave.

i certainly do agree that women of any age struggle with the aftermath of abuse , wether it be sexual or physical ! i was raped by my best friends father and his 2 sons when i was 11 yrs old . i was called a liar by the mother who happened to nip to the shop and left me there in the house with them ! what a coincidence eh ! because she called me a liar , i did not think my mum would believe me either , plus the threats the men made , i felt there was no use telling ! i am now 46 and still struggle , even though i found the courage to tell someone ! makes it no better when you report it to the police , as they can offer you little protection from these animals ! we need more forums like this ! i dont feel on my own trying to deal with it . thanks

I am 31 and was a victim of abuse around 20 years ago. I'm still trying to deal with the long-term effects and am determined to get my "revenge" exactly as set out in point 5!

I find it a difficult topic to talk about with others, mainly because of the effect it can have on the family. However, I'm really putting so much effort into focussing on myself and my own goals and how to achieve these right now.

I was sexually molested by my mom's ex boyfriend when I was 7 on various occasions. I can never tell her because my dad tried to rape her younger sister when I was 2....and my family put all the guilt on her and she tried to commit suicide...so if she found out another man she brought into the family did something to me, I'm scared of how she will react. I am 22 and I was in a relationship for 5 years that just ended a month ago. My boyfriend was supportive of me but I guess the problems/issues I had became too much/repetitive with no progress. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse I was always feeling unworthy, and questioning his love for me, and had trust issues. I would also feel used after we would be intimate. He was a good person. He tried his best to support me and he did truly love me. Which is why I decided to start getting help soon because I don't want to lose my chance to love/be loved because of what someone did to me when I was young. I've already given that person too much power over my life to this point. I want to stop being a victim. I want to be a survivor.

I was beaten by my mum as a child.the past intrudes my thoughts all the time. I keep telling myself to get over it but just cant. Im 30 now and i still dont know how to get over it. Symptoms of my abuse are overeating,hyper vigilant and various over minor health issues like common stress related illness. I used to get super angry and fly into rages(only when i was on my own) but i have discovered that dosent help me let off steam. Since i had my baby six months ago i think i can safely say my life has begun anew. He is sooo sweet. I cant imagine how anyone could harm a child. I would love to know how most people get over abuse because ive tried all of the above.

its a great article, Im 45, studying counseling,but for the life of me. cant get past the abuse i suffered at the hands of my father & others as a child

well ,i was emotionally abused ,neglected in my childhood by my family ,my moter neglect ,my sister emotionally abused under the concept taking care of me,i fight it every day ,at 18 yrs i started smoking which helped to control the stress better ,i m a smart person i studied medicine and became adoctor ,i got married to an abuser and again the same senario started that he is taking care of me ,emotinally abused people make bad decisions in marriage esp. i have thre girls i dont abuse them at all ,i helped my husband in his behavior, he is overprotective and from there comes his abusing behavior, after all these years i discoverd that abusers are helpless and need help more than us ,they become in charge cause they are older ,like my sister,or stronger

I vebeen neglected emotinally abused child by my mother who was depressed and anxios by my fater who was sex addict (idont knowwhy?)THEN I WAS 17EEN WHEN MY SISTER GOT MARRIED TO A MAN WHO HAD DISTUCTIVE MIND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED ME AND MY SISTER (HE WASLEFTBYHISMOTER WHENHISFATHER DIEDRAISEDBY HIS UNCLESANDAUNTS),HE USED TO TALKSEXABOUT TO ME ITHOUTMY SISTER PRESENCE AND SHE COMES HE STOPS ,HE USED TO COMMAND HERE , AND SHE REPEATS WHAT HE SAYS AND THIKS (ALL TWISTED FACTS)ONCE I WANTED TO CONFRONT HER AND TELL HER WHAT IS ,SHE REFUSED TO LISTEN AND WE STAYED NOSPEAKING 3 YRS, HE RUINED HIS SONS MIND ,I SAW HIM MALESTING HIS BABY GIRL ,BECAUSE I WAS ABUSED BEFORE IWASNUMBB INFRONT OF I DONT TALK I JUST WATCH ,MY SISTER LOVED HIM REFUSE TO LISTEN ,ITS AVISOUS CIRCLE ,MY FATHER DIED ,MY MOTHER OLD WOMEN 73YRS,MY SITER DISCOVERD HER HUSBAND AND QAURRILLING ALL THE TIME WITH HIM,I GOT MARRIED TO DEPRESSD MAN BUT LOVING ,HAS HIS OWN ISSUES I HAVE 3 GIRLS I M TRING TO SURVIVE MY CHILDHOOD ,I STILL TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING ,MY RELIGIOUS HELPED TO MAKESENSE FOR WHAT I SAW,AND ESP PROTECT MY FAMILY,BUT I STILL SUFFER ,MEMORIES ,GUILT ,ANY WAY I M A DOCTOR THAT ALSO HELPED ME TO TAKE IN CHARGE ,AND READ ALOT ANALYSE THINGS ,I M MORE CLEVER THAN I THOUGHT I SEEKED HELP BY BOOKS , EVEN IF U TREAT UR SELF ,ALL THE PEOPLE THAT ABUSED ME WERE ABUSED IN THEIR CHILDHOOD BUT THEY COULDNT HEAL THEMSELVES AS I DID ,MY NEXT STEP TO FORGIVE BUT THAT HARD VERY HARD

I'm young......and I already feel these affects of what happened. I was seven when i was abused in every nature possible. I accepted a lot of it(at least i thought so) i even talked about it with a psychologist. but i never admitted the sexaul part until recently. now it's like I never dealt with it at all. And I'm realizing how this thing that happened so much of who i am now and I hate it. I hate admitting that this broke me or made me feel broken. To hear that others are feeling this is some reassuring I suppose. but i feel like I'm dying on the inside and I dont know how to stop it

i want to know how can i deal with my horrid childhood. when i made it known and no one believed me. they did no bother to contact me and ask if they could be a friend and maybe repent or severely apologise. people shy away and dont want to get involved. so called professionals in australia say to forget it its over. IT IS NOT OVER. it has wasted 45 years of my life. i am 58 and cant forget so many many acts of abuse. i have written to abusers but no response. of course not, they wont admit. being unable to fit in to life because of what i knew of a world that made no sense took so much away. now i am facing a life alone and dont have a car house etc as others do. too late now for an attempt at some security. i struggle because i cant concentrate efficently. i cant sue them for what they did. i cant do anything. i wanted to write a book but the tears get in the way. why does society alienate us when we are not at fault.

Parents need to be held responsible more often , see we are allowing parents to just have as many children as they want with disregard for the well being of their other children. We need tribunal laws , where children can at 18 hold them responsible and if needed the adults responsible need to be forced to help that child deal with what they did until that child releases them form that order. Children did not ask to be born , its worse IMO to neglect or abuse a child than it is to not pay child support , why is it that a father who did not provide support can be sued for it , but a child cannot sue them for not providing proper environment for them to grow in a positive direction. i was neglected to the point when i was 7 years old my knee became infected , my parents believed i was faking and just didnt want to go to school. well they held me down on their bed , and forced my knee over and over to bend , they did this until i passed out and woke up driving to the doctor. this resulted in me staying in the hospital for 3 months and almost loosing my left leg. now i am 32 and have been living on the streets until i was 23 , i have a hard time walking and i feel they should pay , well in time i believe they will pay one way or another. this was only one small event , the abuse and neglect was from my birth when my father beat me the week i came home from hospital after being born. he admits this to me still when i spoke to him last , threw me against walls at this time. it never stopped , even after he was gone he was replaced with a step father that was almost the same , so when i was 11 i was sexually abused by a family friend , my family would receive large quantities of booze and i was used as payment to this man it seems , i really didnt even realize what was truly going on till i was around 27. after i had a home and felt safe and started to analyze what had happened. now after being abused for 18 years i was shipped 4000 kilometers away from my home forcibly with threat of being removed by police from the city i lived. so what exactlly am i suppose to do now , oh i have a few ideas and they are very very dark

I was emotionally abused by my father my whole life, and sexually abused when I was very young. I've been working on my own self improvement for the past 5 years, dealing with things that have happened in my life as a result of this abuse. Just recentlly I've been thinking a lot about the sexual abuse and looking for a way to cope with it and move on. About a month ago my father was arrested for trying to lure a 14 year old on the internet for sex. This started a series of events that let me open up and tell people about the sexual abuse. It felt good finally letting go of the dark secret I've been holding in for the past 30 years. Reading this article made me realize that I'm not alone in feeling the way I feel. Everything said in the article is how I feel right now, and it is a good start in my quest in moving on. One day I would like to have a healthy relationship with a man and have a more active social life. I hide myself away from reality a lot, I have been doing that since I can remember. I'm very happy my father is in jail and I hope he stays there, he's getting what he deserves for the years of abuse I had to deal with. I'm very greatful to have found this article and reading what others have written makes me feel less alone in this world. These are my first baby steps in dealing with this and it makes me happy to know that someday I will be able to move on, if not totally forget about it, but accept it happened and learn from it.

I was abused from a very young age, physically, emotionally, sexually an verbally by my dad, 2 babysitters and my older brother, I self harmed an over ate to give myself something else to focus on, when I turned 16 I went to college after 3 years of blocking things out, I did a course in child care an did a unit called children protection, where, everything came flooding back causing a breakdown, it took me 2 years to 'get back on track' with my life where I left with 2 qualifications, I'm now 22 an a mum to a 2 year old little boy who is my world, I suffer post natal depression but will never let it get the better of me, I'm also engaged to an amazing guy who knows my whole past an is willing to support me. Talking to him has helped me come to terms, partly, with my past. I fear that one day it may come flooding back, knocking me off course an back in my shell, I don't want to relive my past, but know I will one day.

I whas raped everything started when I whas six and ended when I whas sixteen at the same time my grandmother will beat me to the point I would bleed sometimes I woould get so bad that I felt like killing her but something in my mind would tell me no too in skill I had no friends I would get beat on by other kids made fun off my clothes and the girls were the worst one thing is being picked on by Boys but when girls do it man a ain't no fun I lived trew this trew my childhood . My uncle molested me for years I'm a 30 year old man and sometimes I feel like worth nothing everything is my fault I dessrved no better I have two kids and a wife that keep me going but theres points in my life that I thinck that I loose control it racing thoughts no trust in no one and tones of anxity I have no peace with my self but push hard very day not too fail but I gets hard my question is how can find peace and joy of life

My father- a presbyterian minister- used to hit me and my brother so hard he used to snap the broomsticks and stickball bats. He would also drag us around by our hair, spit in our faces, jab us with things like pens and highlighters- all the while telling us over and over again how worthless we were. It would go on for hours until our mom came home from work- he seemed to come to his senses then. Sometimes he'd go into our room looking for stuff to trash- stuff he knew we'd literally starved ourselves for (we used to get $1/day for school lunch- no allowance). I once had to watch him rip-up my brother's baseball cards, then shove the pieces down my brother's throat when he would not stop shrieking. We'd go to school wearing the wrong-season clothes to cover-up bruises. I remember one time having to look my kindergarten teacher in the eye and tell her I'd run into a tree.
I can't decide which was worse- getting beat up, etc., or being brain-washed by my father to believe that it was simply his brand of 'tough love'- something which he claimed 'the n-gg-rs and sp-cs' never learned how to do, which was what put them where they were in society today; according to him, he was just bringing us up the way the Bible told him to.
And we had to believe him. He was our father.

It is a soft touch on a incredibly complex topic.

Over and over again I have had doctors/counsellors/therapists who present me with lists just like this. They offer hope and I spend years going through the steps. In the end nothing really changes. I've been damaged. The damage left scars. The scars can be minimized but they will never go away.

I start relationships and both parties want to get closer. I tell them bits of my past and they read information like this and believe all will be better in a few months - just follow these steps. They will help me and soon "all of this will be put in the past" just like this study, book, or therapist says. Just look at how successful you have been at everything else - this abuse stuff has certianly not stopped you. I'll help you tackle this. It must be a minor blip.

All external aspects of my life reveal that I am doing fantastic. People come to know me as a fit, well groomed lady who is successful at whatever she turns her hand to. She has a great career and is doing amazing things. Such a role modle for young women today. Stellar professional career, beautiful home, hard working, reliable, dedicated to friends and community.

Those that know me where I now live (I move to completely new parts of Canada every 5 years or so when I think people might begin to speculate the truth) have heard that there was a bump in the road some years ago when my 10 yr marriage fell apart. Completely understandable that two career professionals could end up working in different countries and their marriage did not survive the distance.
Unfortunate that her folks are old and live far away (I call a nice couple who were my neighbours at the last place I lived "my folks"). She has other family for she makes reference to her nieces and nephews (children of university colleques who call me Aunt - I've not seen them for years but follow on facebook). No lies,

They have no idea who I am. I spent 17 years in hard core training learning how to appear fabulous regardless of reality. My birth parents, a fire fighter and school teacher, were investigated twice by child services, never charged and we moved houses each time. I've not seen them for decades now.

My older brother left at 16 years old. He has no memory whatsoever of anything prior to being 16. I've come in contact with him from time to time. The tension is unbearable for we both know the other could shatter each others carefully constructed worlds with a simple comment. A minor slip about a high school game or hobby and the house of cards comes down. It is best we stay apart - again we follow one anothers careers online. We've met once in the past 13 years and that was shear co-incidence. He and his family were travelling and I happened to walk into the same highway rest stop. My brother is also highly sucessful owning his own high tec company, restoring antique cars, coaching his kids sports and competing in marathons.

The truth is that I am a workaholic and a perfectionist and am lauded and rewarded for these attributes. I tackle everything and anything. I am seen as highly intelligent and very skilled. I no longer need to be abused by others as I have become quite adapt at doing it myself. Outside of my career, I restore buildings and do everything from mechanics/electrical/framing/drywall and make it all look pretty right down to the drapery ties. I am an instructor at the sports I play. Everyone knows of me - but no one knows me.

A little hint about my childhood came to light a few years ago upon investigating wide spread pain. Exrays showed that the majority of the bones in my body have been broken. I only remember about 12 of the incidents. Everyday since then I feared that something will trigger my memory and I will know about the rest. As a child I thought I could fly. This I remember clearly. I know now that my flights were dissociative episodes yet they remain some of the most beautiful memories I have. I also remember being very confused about this.

Now and again I find things that make no sense and remind me of that confusion. I find have credit cards in my wallet that I have no recall of applying for. I find the balance, pay it and cancel the card. I continually meet people I do not recognise and have adapted a manner of pleasantly greeting everyone who turns to me. I am an expert at reading body language from early childhood training. I simply tell others who witness these encounters that many people know me from the news coverage.

To date, no doctor can tell me what this is about for I do not have a diagnosable dissociative disorder (at this time) and I've seen the best. Nor do I have any detectable neurological damage. I have become vigilant about being aware of what else I don't know. Living alone it takes evidence to make one realize what they have blocked out. How can I know what I don't know? I simply find unexplainable evidence.

I've been thanked for driving a person to a hospital, for coaching another for a job interview, giving a gift or a note and many more actions. I have no recollection of the person, let alone the incidents. The saving grace is that all of these actions sound exactly like what I would normally do or say. This happens about once a month. Nothing unrecoverable has occurred or been detected thus far.

My husband was abusive and controlling. He left with one of his many mistresses having cut me off from any contact with anyone else. It was years before people I worked with even knew he had gone.

I take drugs to sleep, to be calm, to mask pain - Antidepressants, anti-anixeity, anti- inflamatories and of course more pills to ofset the side effects so that I can eat food and go to the bathroom. None of these are strong enough to explain "my absenses".

I've been in therapy for nearly 20 years. The only person I've ever lived with was my husband. I came across this site when trying to find prices for used books. I have many and it is time to simplify. At this point I want an expert to come out and say that some people simply do not recover. I mean people who have done their upmost to work at mitigating the impacts. If this was admitted, if I could find it stated or documented somewhere, maybe then I could stop striving and pushing myself to heal, to become whole, to let go of my my past.
Maybe then I could just accept who I am and learn to accept my limitations/vunerabilities. Why is it so wrong to simply acknowledge that I have been damaged, that the damage has left a scar and that that scar will not go away?

I've recently seen a 2010 film about children born without limbs or have lost them in accidents. They are in a new Canadian therapy program which covers activities from swimming to horse riding. There are with Olympic medal winners involved with the delivery of the program and are cheering the children on. Each child featured was smiling widely and stating emphatically that they are the same as every other kid. That their is nothing different about them at all no matter what. They can do anything they set out to do.

While I appreaciate the well meaning notion the glaring evidence of the fact that they are swimming with sports stars, being interviewed in film about the special programs they are in (with no fully limbed kids about) clearly shows that they are obviously not just like everyone else. I feel strongly that the program is misguided and harmful. Yet this is the common attitude.

No one is the same as another. These kids are missing body parts yet are being socialized to believe they do not face any more impediments or challenges than "full bodied" kids do. If this is the Canadian health care systems approach, how can a person with emotional damage accept themselves for what they are and not feel like they have given up on themselves, ignored the available treatment. In fact for some their finances are dependant on participating in therapy.

The pressure never ends. The abused can never accept that damage was done. I do want or need to keep working on making it disappear. I don't need to go into more intensive therapy to address the notion that I may not have properly grieved for my losses, or that I need to nurish my inner child, and on and on. I know I am not perfect and that perfection, while desirable, is ultimately unattainable.

Perhaps the therapy itself is keeping the issues front and center. I've accomplished a great deal and overcome serious obsticles to get where I am now. I am self sufficient, financially stable, have a successful career and am a contributing member of society,

I don't have close relationships. This makes me vunerable in the world. I understand. I've lived through far larger perils. We are all vunerable, I am simply a person with larger margins. I've worked on this for years. I've taken three months of daily group therapy. I've done all that I can to mitigate the risk. Enough already. Maybe the therapy itself has become just another form of control or torture.

Take the analogy of someone with the genetic predisposition for cancer. You can't see it, but can do many things to mitigate the risk. The medical profession would not subject that person to frequent xrays for fear of stimulating cancer growth. They would monitor, coach to insure appropriate measure are being taken by the patient, but that is it, especially if the patient was doing all that they could to live with this condition. The person did not cause it and they would not be expected to do more that mitigate and accept who they are.

Mental health professionals do not work this way. I can accept who I am, warts and all. I recognize, acknowledge and do my utmost to mitigate my risk factors but this is not enough. I feel pressured to change, to try new techniques, new therapies to never give up striving to be a complete and whole person.

Perhaps the therapists, research and social media have become controllers in my life and, at least in this instance, their demands can not be met. I can accept who I am, warts and all. I recognize, acknowledge and do my utmost to mitigate my risk factors. This is not enough. I feel pressured to change, to try new techniques, new therapies to never give up striving for completion. I am not a mental health professional. I do want all I can get out of life but I am at a point were I am not sure what is the carrot and what is the stick. I can not convience myself to dive into yet another round of intensive therapy and cannot convinece my self, and definately not the therapist that this is enough.

I am caught in a dance of abuse. Let know one know you are not perfect by endlessly seeking perfection all the while knowing that perfection is a myth.

I know I am not perfect - simply check my spelling for proof. I know I can accept this as I'm not going back and trying to fix it.

I'm only 19 but i was abused for a few years by my own father, i thought i was coping with it until recently and now i'm finding it difficult to keep my life together. If anyone has advice on how to cope it will be a great help.

i found telling my partner everything that happend to me even tho i could see his heart crushing in his eyes he was there for me and helped me alot. maybe you could try that, tell your partner everything even if it upsets you it will help both of you

hello im julie and im 27 and iv been seeing a counciler for 5 years now and she said i should talk about it so here goes, i was aboused when i was 11 for 2 years by my uncle, he did it for 2 years untill i waas old enough to understand what was going on. i was asshamed and embarressed and i felt it was my fault so i didnt tell nobody but i managed to forget about it for along time untill i was 21 and i fell pregnant and it brought back everything i couldnt tell my man what happened and i was a mess and every time we was getting intermate i couldnt go through with it after about 3 months i still couldnt do anything with him and i was scared i was going to lose him so i set him up with my sister so they could get intermate i knew he frustraited and i thought it was better to have sex with someone i knew rather than a stranger and leave me for her after they got intermate i listened and i hurt me alot but in a strange way i was happy knowing he wasnt sleeping around and he was here with me after 4 months with my man and my sister i felt ready to continue with him so we sat down and talked for a while and i felt alot better after telling him everything and from then we are stronger than ever i still struggle some times with it i suppose the memorys and feeling will never go away but we talk about it when im feeling down and bothering me and even tho it still hurts it helps. it sounds wierd i know but its the way i cope now we have 2 beautiful little girls

I was sexually Abused by 2 men from younger then 4 to14. i'm 36. I cant let go of it I have reoccurring thoughts about it, it's like i leave mentally for moments at a time then snap back to reality I can't get it out of my head the way my Cousin told me that I liked it and wanted it to happen, her husband was one of the men that molested me. it eats at me that I finally stepped up and told and my family acted like it was not a big deal they made him apologize for doing it and nothing more. this makes me feel like i'm worthless and not human. i'm so broken inside.

Interesting article, albeit brief. Insightful however.
I am a female and was abused by my Mother from as long as I can recall until the age of 17 when she was coming toward me and I beat her senseless. I am now a 36 year old mother of two, special beautiful daughters whom I absolutely adore. I am a pushover when it comes to my babies and I would hurt anyone that put their hands on them. No abuse here!!!!!!
Oh the horrors of my childhood. Oftentimes I hear my friends discuss how they would love to go back to their childhood. Not me! My mother's favorite thing to do was jerk open the shower curtain while I would take a shower and grab me by my hair and beat me senseless. She was especially abusive when I began to hit puberty...not sure if there were some underlying issues there! She would make fun of my weight and how ugly and stupid I was. Smack me over and over across the face (have left ear and eye problmes from this). Whip me EVERY SINGLE DAY with a leather strap "just to" keep me in line from the top of my shoulders all the way down to my knees. I had double pnuemonia once and she got mad because I couldn't quit coughing and she threw a knife at me and it stuck in my stomach.
What's so weird is my friends and teachers always called me Smiley. I tried to put a brave smile on my face and be very kind to others. I was always the teachers pet and helper. I took up for children that were being bullied. My teachers used to write notes home to my parents as to how lucky they were to have me. Ha!
When I hit high school though, everything changed. I began smoking marijuana when I was a freshman in high school. I started skipping school and was arrested for public intoxication when I was fifteen. I went from a size two to a size fourteen in one summer. My grades plumeted. (I might want to state that I did not have sex until I was 17 and it was with a long term boyfriend.)
Fast forward to seventeen. The day I graduated from high school my Mom told me to move out. I found an apartment. Got a job. Started college. All on my own. I was out of the abuse and I didn't dwell on it. I was started my life as a mature young lady.
I got pregnant at 19 by the same long term boyfriend and once I got pregnant I began to have emotional "issues". I kept having reoccuring nightmares that a baby was laying in the floor and I would stomp it to death. I would wake up screaming and be drenched from head to toe with sweat. I went to my ob doctor and he brushed it off. I had my daughter at 19 and within four or five days, I began to debate suicide. Post pardum depression hit me hard. I spent the first six months of my daughter's life only going outside because we had doctor's appointments. I was terrified to leave my home. No one thought anything about it and I definitely didn't share that I was suicidal. I did not want anyone near my daughter and I wanted to shield her from the outside world. Crazy huh?!
After several weeks, my ob doctor finally realized what was going on with me and hooked me up with a licensed psychologist. I went every week religiously for three months. I complied with her weekly "homework" assignments. It didn't help. I was devastated as I just knew the counseling would turn me back around. After three months, my insurance wouldn't pay for further counseling. Again, I holed up in my house and didn't leave unless absolutely necessary.
When I was 23, I impulsively decided I did not want to be with my Husband anymore. I flippantly told him I wanted a divorce. He was shocked and devastated and begged me to attend counseling. I never gave it another thought. I packed up my belongings, took my daughter and moved across town within 48 hours. We were divorced within six months.
Throughout my 20s I slept with lots and lots and lots of men. I didn't care at all as to whether I was being negatively discussed in my small town. I took care of my daughter to the best of my ability, however I had to have a relationship with men and sadly that came first. Once I started getting attached to these men, I sent them packing. (Never giving a consideration as to my daughter's well being over getting attached to these men and their families.) I was cold and cruel and very impulsive. If you did anything I didn't like, you were cut out of my life forever. I would also go to bars and get drunk and drive home on the weekends when I didn't have my daughter. There were times that I would cry on my way home and debate running off the road and killing myself. As drunk as I was, I'm truly surprised I didn't take my life.
By the time I hit 30, I finished college. Got a good job. Remarried and settled down with a wonderful man. Had another daughter. I finally broke down and shared my past with my husband. It was the first time since the counselor that I had discussed my issues. My husband has stood by me and I feel like our relationship is strong. I realize now that instead of kicking him to the curb when he does something I don't like, I need to talk to him about it and work it out.
Now that I reflect back upon my youth and into my 20s I realize that a large majority of the issues I had may stem back to my abusive childhood. The impulsive, reckless behaviors. The sexual recklessness. The depression. The continuous thoughts of suicide. The stunted emotional growth that seemed to hit me in my 20s. My issues with physical contact, especially with women.
Every day is a struggle. I don't know what to do to fix the sadness in my heart that I lock away. I can't understand why it happened to me. Thank you for the other guest comments. I have appreciate each one and can understand where the pain and hurt comes from. I wish you all the very best.
Smiley

I was abused as a child, and am trying to come to terms with it. Because of it, I have PTSD, Panic Disorder, and severe OCD. I have attempted to kill myself twice in my life, and have thought about it many times before, as well as committing countless attempts of self harm over the years. My mother hit me, kicked me, threw me against walls, and to this day will insult me if she thinks she gets the chance, (though now I retort by leaving or getting off the phone and telling her not to bother contacting me until she can be decent; it actually works. Bullies are cowards who always double over when you strike back, metaphorically - please no real violence, folks ). I have bone problems and have chronic pain. I am only 24, and have a life of crippling bone disorders to look forward to, though I try to fight the symptoms with strength training and running myself into the ground. I have flashbacks and terrible nightmares. I wish I could make myself forget. I am now married to a wonderful and supportive man, though I sought out abusive relationships with both genders before this one. My father abandoned us when I was 4, and my mother abused my my entire life and still continues to try and do so to this day. I am seriously considering cutting her off for good, but she always guilt trips me and says that I'm somehow the cause of all her health problems, (which were REALLY caused by overeating and excessive drug use on her part), and that I'm killing her. Well, I'm beginning to think that child abusers -deserve- no less than death.

See, this is what scares me...violence is repulsive to me, however, I feel the urge to physically harm people who have abused others. I want to to break their bones and ask how they like being so weak and helpless. This terrifies me, and makes me hate myself. I am not a violent person, but I have these thoughts due to my abuse. I work with children and plan to have children maybe someday, and I would NEVER hurt them. I work with very young children during the ages where they are most likely to have tantrums, and never once has it EVER crossed by mind, "Hey, this little guy is rather upset. I think I ought to hit him! Yes, hitting him should make all of this better!" I seriously don't know what goes through people's minds to think it's okay to abuse a little child, or ANYBODY, (including animals). What kinds of monsters are we living among? I want to put an end to it; all of it. No child deserves to be terrified in their environment. I have put an end to the few abuse cases in the school that I work at, calling CPS when a child reports that he/she has been purposely injured by a parent/guardian. I did not rest until these cases were finished and the child was safe. CPS must think I am the most insufferable bleeding heart on the planet, but I don't care. Abuse and bullying will NEVER happen on my watch. I am so broken from it, and I will never allow this to happen to another.

Still, I feel like a terrible person. Child abuse it wrong and disgusting and messes a person up for life. I have always asked my partners to physically hurt me in the bedroom because my pleasure and pain sensories are so royally effed up. I feel I deserve to be hurt and attacked, but that no one else does. One of my first memories of my realization of childhood abuse was watching the Power Rangers. The Rangers said after the show as a kid-friendly message that no one ever deserved to be bullied or hit. I was about 6 years old at the time and very confused by this, so I asked my mother. She then explained that no one deserves to be hit...except for me. Because I was an innocent child, I believed her. Why would a parent lie to a child? I was then banned from watching Power Rangers or any kind of Superhero cartoons...I think so that my mother could keep it in the dark longer that she was, in fact, one of the "bad guys" that Batman and the Power Rangers and everyone else warned children like me about. I have unfortunately kept this "Everyone deserve good treatment except for me" mentality, no matter how I have tried to kick it. My husband treats me like a princess, and his loving behavior towards me always throws me for a loop to this day. He is such a good man. I am truly sorry that he ended up with such a messed up woman; he deserves better than me, and I have tried to tell him this, but he says that he will never leave me, and I am so grateful.

All of that said...I really do not find the advice of this article to be helpful even in the least. I do not mean to be insulting; it is just that as a person who has had therapy already, this advice is redundant and rather obvious, like shouting, "Hey, are you thirsty? Well, try drinking water!" Duh. So, Article-Writing-People (AWPs?)...what exactly do you suggest for someone who has tried all of this mumbo-jumbo and is STILL screwed up? Now, THAT is an article that I would seriously like to read, (and might help a lot of people). I do appreciate, however, the intent of this article, though it did not help me. I hope that it helped someone out there, and I am really glad that whoever wrote this article clearly cares about child abuse survivors and the prevention of abuse. Thanks for trying, guys. I appreciate the effort.

Yours Truly,
- Still Effed Up

I would also like to add that the therapy that I had (cognitive-behavioral), while not entirely effective in treating my flashbacks and panic attacks from childhood abuse, DID help dramatically with the OCD. I am very in control of that now, and have harnessed it as a gift to help me to be a better child monitor and teacher, (OCD people naturally pay more attention to details, so if you can figure out how to force it onto important details instead of details that disturb you, such as a tiny speck on the ceiling, etc, it can be useful cognitive behavioral therapy helped me to do that). So, I just wanted to make it clear that I am not, by any means, down on therapy or psychology. I feel that psychology, (neurology, medication, therapy, etc) is wonderful and helps a good deal. It is really the best we have right now. Unfortunately, not even those wonders of medicine and science can relieve all of the symptoms of child abuse, as all of us are living proof. I wish that abusers could understand this, and know how much it affects people and understand the unnecessary, lifelong agony that they cause. Would it make them stop, or would they even care? I don't know, but I pray the former, for the sake of giving humanity the benefit of the doubt. I have read all of the comments and wish I could extend a hug to all of you, for all that we have been through. It was not our faults, and I have faith that we will find ways to rise above somehow, maybe even me, too.
Love and Light,
- Still Effed Up

I am 42 years old and decided to take control of my life. I started first by confronting my abusive brother. It was so hard to do but made me feel so much lighter and more in control. I realize he has no remorse for the things he done to me and he never will. He is out of my life :) A couple of years later I done the same to my pill addicted mother who was never awake or sober or even liked me to keep me safe from my abuser. I said things to her that I only dreamt of saying. My anger and disappointment shone. A total release of tension was immediate. I started to see a therapist who deals with families of addiction. I have learned so much and now understand that I am not going crazy; that I have over come so much and ended the cycle of abuse and addiction in my family. I am learning to deal with my flash backs and memories. They will always be there but they are not taking centre stage as often in my thoughts. I am stronger then either of my abusers and I have given them too much of myself for too long! Good luck to everyone.

Iam 47 years old, and have been in a loving relationship since 1981. Made the decision to never have children, for obvious reasons, and got on with my life as a wife of a wonderful man, who I love dearly and feel safe with.
I was sexually abused as a child by my biological father, in a family that was envyed by others as having it all, in terms of family values. We were not wealthy and didn't have many friends. I don't have any memory of abuse before 1975 but feel aware of it's sick existance, in that, I have no childhood memories prior to this time, inside any of the homes in which we lived. ( i don't want to remember ) I remember vividly the abuse from then on at about 11 years old at aonther home. Silenced by the remark that my mother would leave us if I told. I kept it secret to protect her and the family from being separated. I told a friend at primary school and my husband later, but still protected my family. My estranged younger sister, since my father's death has told of dreams she does not understand that involve my experiences, and she has had episodes of depression and had thought she was crazy.
I said she wasn't, and that they were fact, some relief to me, ( now that someone else new and believed me ) but left her dealing with all issues of regret, and she said how at primary school age she repeatedly told mum of my crying in my sleep and sitting up quickly looking around the room in fear. My brother has suffered from depression for years, I now wonder, did he see something? was he abused ? he is 46 years old. I don't know what to do, as I am now faced with the realisation that my mother may have known of all this had happened. Dad died 20.10.10 . Do I persue the issue with my mother? or leave it as I have since I left home 1987. And that he got away with it.

I am 49, and this year has been the year to deal with 'knee jerk reactions'. At first I thought I was going to have to deal with the abuse all over again, but it's a deeper dealing. If that makes sense.

I was abused from 1-12, sexually, mentally, physically, spiritually. My abuser tried to kill me on at least one occasion that I can remember. I've had what I call 'Swiss-Cheese Memory' all my life, only to recently find out it's truly called "Failure to Store". I dealt with the memories, the psychotic breaks, the addictions, even the possibility of being a "Multiple Personality" many years ago, thought it was over. But now I find, I have positioned myself that no-one can come near me without my knowledge. No-one can touch me without my permission, and I don't give that easily at all.

The more you learn about the side effects, the more you realize that you are 'normal' (tongue in cheek there, will we ever be 'normal'?) We can live a productive life, and every now and then something will happen that makes us realize we do have to continue this fight, it just goes deeper and deeper, until hopefully one day we reach the root and tear it out.

Am I there? Heck no! I'm only one step deeper than I was 10-15 years ago, but I'm realizing that I'm not crazy, and I will have to continually deal with different aspects of my abuse for a long time to come.

Together, we CAN do this!!!! We survived the actual abuse, we can survive the games our minds play!

I was beaten almost every day my dad, with sticks, or anything else around the house, as were my other family members. I remember my mum tried to stop him once, and she got dragged up the hallway by her hair, crying and screaming, and then I remember hearing what I now realize, was my mum being slapped over and over...My dad was always ready with a snide comment, ready to make any of us feel useless, worthless, and stupid, at any given time. He would literally search the house, for toys left on the floor, we were just kids, of course toys were everywhere, and then he would fly into a rage and beat us...he would keep a stick in the corner, and he would make us go to get it, and then bring it to him, then we would be told to go to our rooms and wait. We would wait for what seemed like forever, and then he would come in, calmly tell us what we had done wrong, and then it would begin...I remember looking into his eyes sometimes and seeing the joy in his eyes as he raised the stick above his head for the first swing, and then I would look away. After he was done, he would explain that he didnt like doing this, and that it was our fault, and that if he didnt hit us, then we would be like all the other spoilt kids out there. He would then tell us not to tell mum when she got home, because it would upset her.....I hated him for so long, but at the same time, I felt that it was normal, he told us that only bad families didnt do this. My teenage years were even worse, I was home-schooled, and was taught that sex was wrong until you were married. I left home at 16, got out and away. But not before shit got even worse.

From this, I can read peoples body language, and a whole lot more, im like a human lie detector literally, you cannot lie to me in person, and I trust nobody entirely, ever, so nobody can ever hurt me again...I can read into situations and im hardly ever wrong, I am talented and can turn my hand to almost anything, and as for all the physical abuse....I can mask any kind of physical pain with ease, simply by ignoring the pain, or turning it into a different sensation in my head. I can take a hiding and it affects me not the least...and because I have seen the truth of what is actually scary...I know how to let another guy know that I am not the person he wants to pick a fight with...using simple words and body language...but I hate violence, and have avoided being in a fight for many years.

Now at 28, im a dad, I didnt want kids because I was afraid that some of my dad might come through in me. Me and my partner fight every day, im never physically abusive, but we argue on every point, we belittle eachother, and ridicule eachother, make eachother feel stupid and small...my daughter is just over one year old and I am so fucking scared!!!! I dont want her growing up to see this, and I try so hard to deal with my shit, and get my fucking ass into gear. Things that my partner thinks should be the most simple thing in the world, like finding joy in taking my kid to the park, does not bring me joy...Im completely out of love with my partner, and im scared shitless that if I stay, I wont be able to fix everything that is broken with me, and that in not being able to fix it, my daughter will suffer, not physically, but because I just cant be a dad, I have nothing to go on as a guide...things that I see on tv, I try out, and it just doesnt feel right...I play with my daughter and I love her to bits, but what if growing up, she starts to see that I am not right??? how can I explain to her that im sorry but your dads broken, you just had bad luck, your dad cant be fixed? And with my partner, im so over her, she is the nicest, best person in the world, but because of me, she is becoming like me...she is starting to hate me as much as I do...I want to walk away, but the thought of my girl growing up with no dad kills me. I dont drink or do drugs, I did have those addictions, and I beat those with my partners help, but the emotional shit that is in my head seems un-fixable, and I have talked about it all, but I start feeling like im talking about it to much, and that Im just whining about a non issue, and it all comes back again and again, year after year, like everything I think has been infected by my childhood, and it wont go away....


Im starting to think that the best thing for all of us would be for me to move away, stay in touch with my kid via phone etc ( so when im feeling negative,I can avoid her ) and send money to my partner each week or month to make sure my daughter, and also my partner, get everything they need in life, without having to deal with my shit. I think that in time, my partner will overcome any damage ive done already as she is very strong, and hopefully find a guy that doesnt have my issues. but so help me, if the guy she does end up with, ever does harm my daughter, in any way even close to posts on this forum, he will pay severely!!!

With all that said, and im sorry if ive sounded like a bit of a dick here, I just wanted to hear if anyone else was in the same boat as me, and if they stayed, or walked away...and why? and if they still think it was the right decision?

It always fascinates me that anyone writing about emotional abuse ONLY thinks women can be the only victims. I've not found anything anywhere on the web that says guys can be abuse victims too.

I'm one. I'm a guy, who only recently discovered that I was emotionally abused (by my mother). I didn't know her behavior towards me was called that - and I've endured more than 25 years of it. Now that I know... well, I'm not coping very well.

I mean, it's great to finally know her verbal attacks towards me were never about me. That I'm not at fault. But I have so much anger for what has happened. Of course, anger can't bring those lost years back, which makes me feel more angry.

I feel so sad my life is a mess - but it's not a mess because *I* made it like that. It's a mess because of what *she* did. I did nothing to her, you know, for her to treat me this way. And she won't even take responsibility for her actions, now they're out in the open.

Your article's given me some hope. I have no support mechanism in all this. It's been hard.

James

I'm 20 years old and was physically and emotionally abused by both of my parents when I was a child. My father beat me regularly, and my mother was emotionally detached. This turned me into a rational, pessimistic person. It has been really hard for me to see the positive side of things, but I am working on it daily. The fact that I am still alive today, going to school, and not involved in any substance abuse is the best thing I ever achieved. But even knowing this, I still struggle with the memories of what happened to me. I'm scared to tell anyone about what happened to me, but I know that one day, I'll have to tell someone. Maybe some day I'll be able to say that I am happy to be alive. It's been an eye opener to see that I am not the only one that has been through this. For all those that struggle daily, I wish the best of luck.

I have been on this very wild roller coaster all my life. My mother left me when I was 1 with my Dad but he was an alcoholic, so his mother told my Mother to come get me. Her boyfriend didn't even know about me,( or my sister to another man) but they came. I was 3. Not long after that I was sexually abused by 2 of his brothers for 2 yrs on and off. I decided to tell my Mother and then I had to tell her boyfriend(step-dad now) I remember every aspect of that day like it happened yesterday. I thought they would go in guns blazing BUT they didn't? Apparently it's a little more complicated than that? My world was crushed especially when they continued to have parties and keep bringing these people into our house. They just took steps so it would never happen again! Every time I asked what they were going to do about it, they would just tell me to go away or beat me and told never to mention it again, so this is what I did.
I am a teen(12) now and My Step-father calls me a Slut and everything horrible one could think of. My Mother is jealous of the attention I am getting and is hardly ever there because she always made everything about her. She said that she was protecting me but she was only ever looking after herself. What gets me is that after what his brothers did to me, he definitely had no right to call me that. I was a normal teen well as normal as one could be.I was very suicidal but no-one could see that. My parents were very verbally abusive and my step-father beat my mother constantly and started to beat me, so I left. I became a Mum at 18 through looking for comforts in all the wrong areas. I never regret having my son and for a while everything was good, but nightmares and being physically and mentally abused by my sons father, drove me out of control. I went on a rampage. Through this I was raped by a friend of a friend. People said I asked for it but NO means NO! All through this time my son was with my parents, who called me a useless mother and everything else under the sun(hypocrites!) Because Of having nowhere else to go I returned to my parents home. I honestly don't know what's what now. My controlling verbally and physically abuse step-father along with my controlling mentally abusive mother, I really should be dead! Through the darkness I see this little ray of sunshine with big beaming eyes, telling me how much "he loves ME" So I work on changing.
While working on this change I decided to confront my parents about WHY they didn't do anything? Poor excuses came out so I left it as I would never get a straight answer. In the mean time I meet a man whom I am still with today. He knows EVERYTHING and helped me through it and still does. When I was heavily pregnant with my 3rd child I was visited by my sister and Aunt who were going through to see my real father. A sick ailing feeling came over me for some reason. They didn't tell me me straight out but somehow I knew. I had my baby and after this I confronted them all. They told me what I had known. She did it for compensation and selfish reasons. Some closure and I'm glad that she got that. Me and my real father no longer have a relationship, I want and sometimes yearn to see him but can't bring myself to look at him. Again My mother knew and did nothing!
We have 4 kids together plus my(our) son. Because of what happened to me,we are very careful and our children don't go to just anyone. Even my parents have rules to follow and if they don't they don't see the kids. But they are very protective of them? WHY NOW and not with ME or my SISTER?!(streaming with tears)
Being a parent, I am very protective and would never allow anything like this happen to them and would hurt anyone who did that to them. I deal with my pain through seeing the joy in my children's eyes and knowing I can be the best parent for them. It's a struggle but I do it for them.
I confronted my mother again recently as I believe she needs to take some of the blame. The act is not her fault but her NOT doing anything about it IS! She could have left with me and taken me where no-one could hurt me but she left me there in that poison. I didn't cry and fall for her poor pathetic excuses, I wanted answers. I saw an ugliness in her that I had never seen before. She told me it happened to her, so I asked 'why did she not protect me then?' She believed that she dealt with it so, so could I. She even had the audacity to throw in what my real father did to my sister just to remove the blame or heat from her?! She's cracked! My step father has said sorry but he was afraid of and for his family. That's fair enough, believe it or not I understand, but my mother, I don't know.
We have a civil relationship because she is my Mum but we are and never will be that close. My children love her to pieces and it ails me because I will not know how to love her like this. Thus the destruction and emotional roller coaster that an awful selfish act like this can do to an innocent individual. I believe my pain will subside when my mother honestly takes blame and is truly remorseful in her negligence of being a parent. I no longer have contact with any of those vile people and my step-father understands and my children are not allowed any where near them.
Everyone is unique in their experiences and I wish you all the strength and heartfelt prayers.