Adult Sibling Rivalry - How It Starts

Fighting With Your Grown Brothers & Sisters

Feb 3, 2007
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

The Roots of Adult Sibling Rivalry - stock xchange marcello99

Adult sibling rivalry affects your relationships, discussions, argument styles, and sexual orientation, even! Here's how fighting with grown brothers & sisters starts.

Adult sibling rivalry often starts with childhood sibling rivalry - but they're two very different types of family conflict. Fighting with grown brothers and sisters is quite different than childhood conflict.

When you're a child, sibling rivalry or childhood conflict teaches you how to relate to others -- sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. Either way, your adult relationships are definitely affected by your grown brothers and sisters. If you're struggling with adult sibling rivalry, your experiences can change how you communicate with your partner or children.

Childhood Sibling Rivalry is Helpful

Fighting with your brothers and sisters isn't just about sibling rivalry and conflict. Sibling rivalry teaches you how to settle arguments. Learning to negotiate toy times, clothes sharing, and parental attention can teach you how to deal with professional, personal, and social issues as an adult. You and your siblings learn social skills through sibling rivalry that spill over into every aspect of your life – so sibling rivalry can be helpful.

Adult sibling rivalry often stems from unresolved childhood conflict. If you don't settle your childhood sibling rivalry issues, they often turn into adult sibling rivalry issues - and they can be more serious.

Childhood Sibling Rivalry is Triggered When Parents Play Favorites

Parents' attempt to treat everyone equally may be in vain because picking a favorite may be evolutionary. Mark Feinberg, Penn State psychologist, says that parents are programmed to spend the most time and energy on the sibling that seems most worthy of investment because there is a finite supply of love, affection, money, and security.

Parents have a primal mindset to put more effort into the smart, gifted, attractive kid. A recent study concluded that 70% of fathers and 65% of mothers show a preference for one child – usually, the older one. And the kids know it, which feeds both child and adult sibling rivalry.

Following in the Sibling's Footsteps

Sometimes younger siblings emulate older brothers or sisters; sometimes, they choose the exact opposite behaviors. For instance, if your older sister gets pregnant, you could SO not go there – this is de-identification, and it's unusual. Generally, siblings pass on unhealthy or dangerous habits (smoking, drinking, drugs) to one another.

Developmental psychologist Patricia East says, "A girl with an older, pregnant teenage sister is four to six times as likely to become a teen mom herself." Another theory is that the closer siblings are in age, the less likely the younger one will succumb to the habits of the older. Adult sibling rivalry may be exacerbated by habits developed in childhood.

Child Sibling Rivalry and Sexual Orientation

Homosexuals represent 3% of all males. Boys who have an older brother represent 4% and those with two older brothers are 5% of the population. With three or more older brothers, gay men represent 6% of the male population. Psychologist Anthony Bogaert (Brock University, Ontario, Canada) believes that the mother's immune system carries the answer.

"Mothers' bodies naturally recognize boy fetuses as slightly more alien than girl fetuses, since all of us carry sex-specific proteins in our bloodstreams," he says. "Some mothers may develop antibodies to those male proteins. In subsequent pregnancies, the antibodies may cross the placenta and affect regions that determine sexual orientation."

It seems sibling rivalry isn't just about socialization. The roots of adult sibling rivalry could be evolutionary and primal, its effects far-reaching and long-lasting.

Sibling Rivalry Isn't the Final Determiner

Childhood sibling rivalry doesn't automatically doom you to failure or set you up for success - and neither does adult sibling rivalry. Other aspects of your life and personality are just as important, such as how you deal with failure, what tickles your funny bone, or even your propensity towards depression.

If you found The Roots of Adult Sibling Rivalry interesting, try:

How Birth Order Changes Your Life
New Insights About Birth Order
6 Ways to Help an Alcoholic Sibling

Source: Time Magazine, July 10, 2006

Laurie Pawlik Kienlen, Psychology Feature Writer, Bruce Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.

Comments

Oct 26, 2008 10:26 AM

Guest :

Why is my older Gay brother so mean to me when I am so generous to him. Some of my close friends say maybe he is jealous of me, but I have nothing to be jealous of. We lost our Mom, and he was mean to her too. But when she died, he acted like it was only him who had lost a Mom. Not sure why he is so mean. It is very hurtful, and someday I may have to walk away from my only sibling....

Oct 27, 2008 9:51 PM

Guest :

i just lost my youngest sister and there are six of us left, my one

sister lives next door for over 13 yrs now and it it too close for comfort , we barely say anything about the death our youngest sibbling.

i try but she don't seem to really wanna respond, she talks more to inlaws and people she works with cuz my sister worked there too.

i wanna choke her and her husband is and has been a huge hindrance to
our relationship and i am sick of it. i always have to try and call first, if i don't make a move or try they don't do anything, except say hi if i see them in passing outside, i am furious and he says things that are outrageous.

main thing now , no communication at all and who the f know s why.

Jan 8, 2009 8:12 PM

Guest :

My sister hangs on to the past and it screws up everything in her life and ours. We are a family of 7 and it's so time to move on. She refuses to listen to anyone when they point something out. I stand up to her so we don't get along. I am better off without her but it sure would be nice if she had a brain remake or a personality change.

Feb 11, 2009 11:40 AM

Guest :

My sister and i have never gotten along, and now that she is 36 and I am 32 it's getting ridiculous. She blames me for everything thats gone wrong in her life and tells me that I don't support her. I live 500 miles away and we talk maybe once a month, so explain that one. We are like night and day, but that doesn't mean we have to hate eachother.

Feb 16, 2009 1:05 PM

Guest :

Clearly the comment made on Jan. 8th regarding a brain remake shows a lot of disrespect. I willing to bet you probably were on of the favorites.

Jul 21, 2009 2:01 PM

Guest :

My little sister always tells me that my mother has always been there for me. She always tries to make me feel guilty about it. I don't understand why she is so jealous she has everything going for her. She has a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter and twins on the way. She always complains about my mother, so do I. I still love doing things with my mother, I know I won't have her forever so I overlook her faults. I think that is why my mother likes hanging out with me more. She feels the parent should make the effort. I wish it always just didn't end in a fight.

Sep 1, 2009 2:56 PM

Guest :

I am one of three sisters. I am the baby. One is 61 the other is 58 and I am 45. Ever since I can remember the two older ones haven't gotten along. Jealousy of some nature on the middle ones end.
I have always treasured my relationships with both until recently. Our mother had taken ill and she lives close by to me and the oldest. The middle lives about 90 miles or so away, (but loves to drive). Never really asking for much help the two of us did mostly everything until one weekend we needed her and my mom wanted her. She failed us and that led to years of vent up anger. 2 yrs later we still haven't spoke on her end. She refuses to acknowledge any responsability for her lack of actions. How do I resolve this?

Sep 1, 2009 7:03 PM

Guest :

i don't understand. because i am foreigner..QQ

Sep 2, 2009 2:11 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I don’t think you can expect your sister to accept responsibility now, if she hasn’t in the past. She had her reasons, and if she hasn’t apologized for failing to live up to your and your mom’s needs before now….it doesn’t seem likely that she’ll change!

That said, you could write her a letter or explain calmly and rationally over the phone or in person why there hasn’t been any communication for two years. But if you’ve already explained how you felt about it, then explaining it again might not make a lot of difference.

If you want to move forward with her and forget the past, then you might just tell her that. “Let’s forget the past and move on. Let’s be sisters who talk regularly again.”

Sometimes the past can’t be resolved – especially with adult siblings. If you have one perspective on your mom’s needs and she has another, and you can’t find common ground, then either you “agree to disagree” or you continue to have no communication.

Another option is to try family counseling. An objective third person can help you and her (and maybe your other sister) see where the failed expectations and sibling rivalry is coming from. And, a counselor can help you resolve it.

In families, there are so many disappointments, hurts, regrets, betrayals…..not all can be resolved without serious effort (like counseling, and totally dedicated family members). Some problems and hurts just need to be forgiven and let go, for the good of the whole family. I’m not necessarily recommending you do any of the above – I’m just sharing what I see as the options.

I wish you all the best with your sisters. And if you do come up with a better option for dealing with siblings and past hurts, I’d love to hear it!

Take care,

Laurie

Oct 7, 2009 11:30 PM

Guest :

I think sometimes siblings are better off becoming acquaintances - no matter how close they may or may not have been in childhood. It makes it easier for the whole family. I mean if getting too involved just sparks a 'relationship' fire, then emotional distance can not be a bad thing, can it?
Remember: It is nice to be important but it is more important to be nice!
Jacky :-)

Oct 12, 2009 7:12 PM

Guest :

There was so much sib rivalry I distanced myself 25 yrs ago but the recent death of our mother shows me that the same games in my siblings still exist. We grew up with 2 angry parents who taught their kids that shouting to be heard was the norm. I went into counselling but the others didn't and what I see now is appalling. No one communicates well, the swearing is constant and the eldest sister cries non stop. I hate my siblings as they hurt me deliberately and show no respect or love. Now I will step away again because there is nothing there but toxicity. I dont think I am better just wiser for taking time to find out with a psychiatry, "why do I feel this way".

Oct 15, 2009 10:26 AM

Guest :

Hello, I am a guest here, but I found this all very interesting because I came online to find somewhere to vent about sisters. I am the oldest of seven, I have 4 sisters ranging in age from 53 to 40. We have ALWAYS been a close family and I've always loved my sisters. They have always been my best friends. Last March my brother moved back home into my parents house. My brother has a bad history of taking advantage of my parents, not working, intimidating all the other siblings. He is now living at my parents house, being their caretaker. The problem with that is that none of the rest of my siblings will go home to visit my aging parents, also my mother is going through chemo for breast cancer. I'm the only daughter that goes to visit my Mom, the (ringleader) sister has ostersized me from the rest because I haven't followed suit. She thinks we should teach Mom and Dad a lesson because they let my brother move back home. Her words... "It's their choice!" I've cried a river of tears, I'm done, finished, to hell with it! Is there anyone out there that has some good advice? It would surely be appreciated!

Oct 18, 2009 2:01 AM

Guest :

Well, I posted the last comment on this site, and I'm not sure anyone reads this, but I have an update and I wanted to vent here again. LOL... Sorry if I offend anyone, it is not my intentions.
The problem I have had with my sisters has finally come to a head and I've told them off. One in particular that has continually "picked" at my decisions on anything in my life and that has been the "ringleader" of the girls. NOW, I am done. I feel better that I've gotten that off of my chest and now I can go on, although I won't have the support from my sisters, I will survive! Maybe I don't live my life like they think I should, but I am a 55 year old female that has been through the wringer, and I'm sure this too shall pass. Thank you for supplying this opportunity for me to vent. I wish all of you sisters out there n avenue to be all you can be without the mouth of another tearing you down! God Bless!

Oct 18, 2009 5:22 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

Yes, I’m definitely reading your comments – I wrote this article about adult sibling rivalry – but I’m traveling through Europe and thus only online an hour or so a day! I wanted to respond earlier, but just haven’t had the time.

Thanks for updating…isn’t it amazing that our sibling relationships have such a profound affect on us, even past our fifties? Even when we’re “old”, we have to work through our relationships with our sisters and brothers.

I’m glad your problem with your sisters came to a head; honest confrontation can be very healthy and can set the tone for future communication. And, I’m glad you’re forging ahead even though you don’t have the support of your sisters. Make sure you surround yourself with friends, colleagues, church members, etc – people who will help you achieve your goals and live the life you want.

And remember that your sisters may come around. They can’t see your perspective for reasons of their own, which doesn’t mean your perspective isn’t good! It just means you don’t see eye-to-eye…it’s one of those “agreeing to disagree but not shutting each other out” things (I hope!).

Thanks for your comments, and I look forward to more updates if you’re so inclined!

Best wishes,
Laurie

Oct 20, 2009 11:24 AM

Guest :

Hi Laurie!
Gosh, thanks for answering me, I'm happy that you are traveling and getting to see the country there. Don't worry about here at home, work will always be there, I just thought that this article had died down and no one paid attention to the posts anymore.
I have calmed down finally after telling my controlling sister off, and sort of ended our relationship. I know that is sad and lame, but for now I am so angry and upset, I haven't the words or patience to deal with it. There have been so many lies, assumptions, rude remarks, backstabbing that I have had to pull myself away from them all and concentrate on my mother. So, for today, all 4 sisters will not speak, and it's a good thing at this point in time.
I hope you continue to write here, I have looked around and enjoy these writings. Thanks a million! ... Ms Robyn

Nov 5, 2009 8:49 PM

Guest :

I used to get along with my brother great we are close in age and we were friends. I also have 2 older brothers who are married and they are a whole other kind of jerk. They promised me if I moved back to care for my mom they would help me as much as possible which was a big lie. The first time I asked for help they both said to me "we have our own families" do it yourself and what are you doing here if you can't do what she needs. It was like they were bothered by even visiting her. I did not drive so I spent my savings taking cabs to doctors and grocery store and getting repair men when they could have fixed the problems easily.It quickly became I do everything and if I was tired or had to do something for myself they put me down and just said awful things.

Eventually they found a way to not have to visit or help and not try to feel so bad about it if they did at all. They invited my other brother to stay with my mom knowing he was a crazy out of control drug addict that I found out was a real monster the whole time I was in California .We are no longer close or friendly I think now we are mortal enemies. He is a bully and a thief and he manipulates my mom for money flies into crazy drug rages and threatens me screams in my face awful things and steals my things and when I call the police he runs off and comes back and attacks me later over it. I was given a car he was so mad he though he should get it and started dropping veiled threats about my brakes and I was afraid to even drive it. My mom will not evict him or have him arrested. He says horrible things to us and he hasbeen reported for elder abuse but they are still investigating from what I understand. My older brothers use him as n excuse as to why they willnot come see my mom and barely call. If I tell them anything they start saying to me after mommy dies they won't talk to either of us like it's my fault or I did something wrong by telling them the horrible treatment here and would hope they would do something to help get him out. I just have to leave which would have been much easier if I had any savings or sanity left. My mom deals with it because I am the barrier for her and I can't take it anymore. His next explosive episode will have him locked up and my mom just might have to find a senior community if she can't handle it because all of this makes it hard to take care of her properlyand I am depressed with crazy anxiety and just so broken over it all.

Jul 28, 2010 9:50 AM

Guest :

Being grown adults total of nine of us ranging from 30's (3), 40's (3), & 50's (3) fight like cats and dogs. If one family member has issues with another the entire family must also be mad. This is insane. Oldest sister inherited mothers house, youngest sister refuses to leave property. Older sister having younger sister arrested for trespassing. Youngest sister won't speak to me. She saw me speaking to my older sister at our mother's wake. Sent me letter stating she feel like I stabbed her in the back. I am basically in the middle, don't want anyone being mad at me. The men will have nothing to do with the fighting between sisters. Hard not to take sides. Youngest sister is 36 and refuses to work being her mother or boyfriends financially supported her. Older sister is responsible for mortgage and if younger sister will not pay rent she has to move out. This is getting uglier by the minute. How does one bring siblings together in a loving and caring way. Remember, the sisters are quite EXPLOSIVE with one another. One sister patronizes the trouble makers as not to fight with anyone. The others have principals to maintain. WHAT can I do to stop this craziness.

Oct 15, 2010 5:15 PM

Guest :

My 2 Grown daughters Do Not speak. Article was informative. How do U undo Adult Sibling Rivalry So MOM can Be with Both, in same room? Need Help!

Oct 30, 2010 2:31 PM

Guest :

Really interesting piece and comments. In answer to the last poster - my Mum's way to have us both in the same room is to chose to get me (oldest child = parent pleaser) to ignore younger sister's remarks/irritation/dependence/rudeness. I find this extremely difficult, I don't agree with it, it seems by doing this I am validating my younger sister's comments/demands. I have a husband/job/mortgage, she lives rent free with my parents and goes travelling whenever she likes. I'm expected to not be upset by this because I have a husband which she really wants... I don't understand this viewpoint, if I didn't have a husband I'd still have a job and a mortgage, just on a 1 bed not 2 bed flat! As an earlier poster said, thanks for the opportunity to vent, my husband gets bored of listening to me moan (I get bored of me too). Just wish me parents would stop the 'look the other way' approach which they have always had with her as she has a terrible temper... I'm 28 and she's 25, any comments/advice appreciated! Thanks for reading.

Jan 1, 2011 5:34 PM

Guest :

Sadly I dont get along with my younger sister. I am 32 years old, soon to be 33. She is 31 and unfortunatrly the older we get the less we see eye to eye. I don't hate her but I dont love her either. She is one of those people that says horrible things and expects you to accept her apologies when I know that sooner or later she will go back to her old ways. I've has ENOUGH!!!! I dont care if she is family, I dont care if she is my sister, I dont have to take her verbal abuse. NO MORE!!!!!!!

Jan 1, 2011 5:36 PM

Guest :

I've had anough of my sister. She is AWEFUL, she uses her OCD to make others feel guilty and treat them like shit. I'm sick of it. No more of her damn verbal abuse!!!!

Jan 2, 2011 7:55 AM

Guest :

I see a bunch of other people have sibling problems. I am the youngest of 4 girls, am 45. Oldest is 55. We have step sisters, and a step brother too. My problem is that the two oldest are wicked mean. They have always enjoyed appearing friendly and cool, but they have a mean spirit. For years past, they have tormented the 3rd oldest. Critisizing her parenting, pointing out faults in public, at family get-togethers. I never understood it. But, it spread to other people. I even had my views of her swayed, but did keep a rein on my tongue. Now they are tormenting me. After my husband put the moves on my teen-age daughter (his step-daughter) they blame me terribly. Even thought I kicked him out of the house immediately upon finding out, and have had him out for 4 years, they continue to vomit out their mouths to the whole family how I should have my 2 youngest taken away from me, how I love a child molester (no, I hate him), and they accuse me of horrors unbelievable. I have not participated in family get-togethers in 4 years. They don't get it, and still act as though they are punishing me and that I deserve it. I am on depression med because my husband ruined my whole life. I can't afford to divorce, but we are NOT together. I hate his guts. I can't believe no one in my family (the ones who do support me and care about me) but NO ONE stands up to them, they just invite them to the get-togethers and I stay home. Everyone says how much they miss my kids, but could care less about me.

Jan 5, 2011 8:01 AM

Guest :

Almost everyone I know has adult sibling rivalry issues. Why is that? I am constantly hearing stories of siblings that refuse to be supportive of one another in the care of an aging parent - I have just been through this situation myself and have gained no insight. It seems to me like when the family is confronted with the imminent death of a parent, they would all pull together. In our situation, half of us did and half didn't. what's up with that? Are we all just too selfish or childish now to put our own desires aside long enough to help an ailing family member and preserve the family?

Mar 21, 2011 8:38 AM

Guest :

I am the youngest of three sisters. The middle sister has always been very independent and sat back and wAtched things rather than to get involved. My oldest sister has always been very rude, very loud and obnoxious and has always been very very needy from my parents. While the middle sister and myself,we have worked very hard and handle our business. I have my place, I have paid off my car, and I handle my business never asking for anything but someone to say something nice about me. The problem is, that my oldest sister who is bipolar, manic depressant and whatever else, she is a very rude person. She is always excused for her behavior, even if it is physical. My thing is, she is in college to be a nurse. I feel that if she is capable of going out and being nice to people on the job and she is able to co troll herself out in the world, then she should be able to treat everyone with respect. She gets drunk and has attacked me and called me a whore constantly. All of my life. She knows mouthing about my sexual history. A lot of her past boyfriends would hit on me. She has always took. It out on me. I have no interest in her bfs . She has even stooped as low to me cat hinge her with my exs after we split. She has made everyone embarrassed. She has no respect. She has done a lot of very humiliating things. My parents have provided her with many vehicles. Me, on the other hand, I have beat myself to death with trying to do good things . I put a new roof on my parents home. Bought the a new living room and bedroom suite and remodeled their e tire basement. I send the valentines, birthdays, great Xmas gifts. I know it's pathetic that I try to buy my parents love. Now I just can't even stand my sister. I get tired of walking on eggshells. She went ahead and involved our children in it. She doesn't allow my son to play w her daughter and they are best friends. My son is 3 with no siblings. Anyways my parents insist that we make it work and try to force us to talk. I have always been good to my sister no matter what she's done, Ive always forgiven her. I believe I'm done now

Mar 24, 2011 3:11 PM

Guest :

The most profound statement in the article is that "sibling rivalry could be evolutionary and primal".

Rather than going into a rant about how my siblings have wronged me or how they have misinterpreted my intentions, I would like to share the result. I will also not dwell on how I have wronged them or how I have misinterpreted their intentions.

The oldest uses the power of government to enforce her will on others and condemns religion as a form of brainwashing. The oldest is focused on money and ownership. Charity is defined as giving to causes that will extend her own life. The oldest throws people away when they are no longer of any use. The children are taught to disrespect elders and act out in revenge.

The middle seeks out the power of agreement and hails religion as a form of brainwashing. The middle uses mob-rule. The middle uses money to build relationships. Charity is defined as giving to a cause that cannot logically benefit the giver. The middle uses money to try to maintain relationships. The children are discouraged from fighting.

The youngest obtains power through division and uses religion as a justification for terrorist activities. There is no charity, only opportunism. The youngest uses bully techniques to get people to destroy themselves. The children are taught to fight and are branded as bullies.

This family flew apart with an explosive force that is documented in court proceedings and police reports.

However, my parents insured success of their lineage. Stable government will favor the chosen path of the oldest. Hard times will favor the chosen path of the middle. Government collapse will favor the chosen path of the youngest. Regardless of what the future holds, it will bring one of those three things.

Sibling rivalries are generational curses for those out of step with the times and bountiful blessings for those who ride the waves of history.

For instance, the documented personality characterisitcs of a first-born are well suited for government and administration. That individual chooses to become either a dutiful public servant or a corrupt government official. The younger siblings in a family are hyper sensitive to justice and choose to either support or tear down the establishment.

Mar 30, 2011 7:33 AM

Guest :

I'm currently experiencing a controlling older brother ever since I got back from University in 2008 and even through health problems he still tried to conrol what I did, what I bought and how I lived my life. I mean, he has more than me in terms of possessions and the value of these possessions but when I buy a specific thing (even something cheap) he gets extremely hostile, openly glaring at me and acting sullen around me even in light of what he has to himself.

We still live with our parents (my age 25, his age 28) and several times when he was at work during my health problems he was holding against me the fact that I had more time than him do my activities even though I was in great agony from abdominal pains. He would come home to find me watch a DVD and I would get more of the sullen attitude because 'I didn't wait for him', yet when he ever had the chance he would watch plenty without me and I never kicked up a fuss.

Once in 2006/2007 I had to stop wearing a decorative ring (I'm a guy) because he was making moves to get one for himself. I took the ring off and he stopped making noises about it, until in 2010 I started wearing it again and then the jealousy kicked in once more and he just had to get one for himself. He had four years to get one and working in a shopping center, plenty of time/opportunity to, but he didn't want one while I wasn't wearing one. He had by that time plenty of everything else; wristbands, tattoo, novelty key-rings and a pair of dog tags but no ring and the ring was my only trend and he couldn't abide me having even that to myself.

People may think that is a trivial example but there were plenty more episodes like that piled on top of each other and the episode with the ring was the last straw. Mainly because when I confronted him about the ring and all the other things he is jealous and controlling over he started to insult me by calling me lazy, vain and taunting me about not having a job; despite him seeing all the pain I have been in with my health problems. Diversely he himself does whatever he likes, goes whereever he likes and is allowed to be as secretive as he wants to.

I don't have that luxury and at the moment I am not speaking to him and I purposely avoid him whenever I can because I am sick of his controlling behaviour towards me. He even copies my lifestyle, beliefs and the things that I either want to do or don't want to do.

I just thought I'd share what it 's like for me in attempt to discourage anyone who even considers trying to control their siblings. It's hell and I hate it.

Thank you for reading.

Jul 20, 2011 9:15 AM

Guest :

I am the mother of two sons who do not get along. One says I favor the other. He refuses to talk to me now. I am terribly depressed. My other family members do not agree with this son and say i should ignore this but i can't get over it. Please help.

Sep 19, 2011 11:33 PM

Guest :

My sister is the oldest of 8 siblings and I am the youngest. She is loud and takes control of all family events and I am melow and a busy working mom. She doesn't like my husband simply because she defines me as beautiful and him as ugly but forgets that I am the one who is married to him, she is not. We have been married for 10 happy years and I couldn't be in a better place. She always talks about the men i should have married and my life with them. She leaves me out of conversations, she is sarcastic and presses my buttons to the point that I explode and then she turns it all around on me that I flew off the handle. I am mellow and quiet, she is loud and fast and I think during large gatherings she takes advantage of my timid personality. Aside from not marrying who she thought I should have married, I have done her no harm and I don't know what's gotten into her over the years. I can't stand her anymore. UGH!!!

Oct 10, 2011 5:29 PM

Guest :

Can you help me with my daughters fighting over friends. They are 18 and 22 we have lived in the same town for for most of their lives. It is very hard for them not to meet people that the other one already knows. The issue is more a problem with the 22 yr old not liking her sister to hang out guys she used to hang out with. HELP!!!!

Oct 14, 2011 2:47 AM

Guest :

I am 38, my sister is coming up to 37 and has always been the family favourite. I went out, got my own friends and in effect 'made' a new family and true to form, my sister is even trying to muscle in here just like all those years ago at school. It sounds petty but when we were at school she hated me going near her friends but would always attempt to 'steal' mine. She would get me into trouble and then when my mother told me off my sister would smirk at me. The emotional abuse was unbearable - and still is.

She has lied about things I have/haven't done, she is so deep into the entire family that me, my husband and kids aren't even invited to family gatherings - and are actually kept in the dark about them too. My own mother lied and said they were going for a 'walk' a a certain time so I couldn't visit around that time. Fine, no problem - someone else let slip that all the family were there, we were the only ones not only not invited but actually fibbed to to keep us away. This has happened on several occassions.

My sister has always been my mother's favourite and my Dad has always seemed too scared or dismissive to say anything or step in.

It hurts really badly, to the point where I have actually considered cutting them off completely.

Nov 3, 2011 7:50 PM

Guest :

It seems we all have sibling problems. Mine is with my two older sisters and their children. Our parents died 15 years ago, my sisters are 15 and 10 years older than me. I guess, even though I am 52 I am tired of being treated as the "baby". Both sisters talk to me like I am 12 so finally I had had enough of one of them and said something about her daughter and that was it...we haven't spoken in three years. What is so funny is the older two didn't really like each other but are now best friends. It could be that they are jealous of me and the fact I have had a wonderful marriage for 30 years and the oldest has been married 3 times and the middle was in a horrible relationship for too many years. The older one claims there were issues with the way she was treated as a child, but I had a wonderful childhood because I was the youngest after 10 years. Now the nieces have all gotten into this fight too. Pretty much no one in the family is speaking to me, which isn't all bad. I brought most of this on when I spoke out, but again I was angry at being treated like the "baby" and how rude the middle had been. I asked to meet the middle one and talk this out but was told that her life was too "emotionally spent" and she didn't want to spend time on our relationship, so I am done too. It hurts but it will be ok. I have a wonderful husband, daughter and son and great friends and a job I love, so life goes on. I always say "you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family, and most of my family I wouldn't pick for friends!"

Nov 18, 2011 6:40 PM

Guest :

HELLO,
I AM 23 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE 2 BROTHERS, THEY ARE BOTH YOUNGER THAN ME AND THE 21 YEAR OLD HAS HIS OWN FAMILY SO ISN'T AROUND THAT MUCH. THE 10 YEAR OLD BROTHER IS THE BABY AND KNOWS IT AND CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING AND HE KNOWS IT. HE ALWAYS WANTS TO PICK FIGHTS WITH ME AND BLAME THINGS ON ME AND THEN I GET IN TROUBLE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS. IS IT BECAUSE OF HIS CHILD MENTALITY? SOMETIMES IT GETS SO BAD I HAVE TO PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE AND REMIND HIM I AM AN ADULT AND HE IS CHILD. THIS BOY IS REALLY OFF THE CHAIN. MY MOTHER IS BECOMING VERY FUSTRATED WITH HIS WAYS. MAYBE WE ALL JUST NEED TO TALK..ITS EXAUSTING. I THINK I AM USING THIS AS A BLOG..IT SURE DOES FEEL GOOD TO LET THIS OUT. WELP!! I WILL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO A RESPONSE.EVEN IF IT TAKES FOREVER!! THANK YOU IN ADVANCE-THNX!! <3

Nov 27, 2011 4:32 AM

Guest :

Hello again! I am the Guest that has the 4 sisters ranging in age from the 40's to 50's. I typed in my issues back in Oct of 2009. Life is about the same, with the exception that my Dad has passed away (May, 2010) My mother still has my brother living with her, taking care of her needs as she can't get around well. He takes her to doctor appointments, gets her meals, does laundry, keeps the yard mowed, etc... My 4 sisters have given her the ultimatume, get rid of him or we won't be visiting. IF there is a time they want to be with her, they pull in the drive, mom walks to the car and they leave.
When my Dad passed on all of my sisters, neices, nephews, cousins sat on one side of the mortuary and mine and my brothers on the other side. It was VERY difficult! Also I have gone to see a counselor about these issues, but nothing has changed. I guess this is being stubborn, but I cannot ignore my morals and join my sisters in their selfishness. I continue to do as much for my mother as possible and would NEVER give her an ultimatum! I will continue to respect her wishes as long as she is alive. I feel that this "issue" with my sisters will never be solved. This will last the rest of my life. I miss them, as we have always been a close family. But I will not sell myself short.
Also I must say, I'm glad to see that I am not alone in the problems I'm having with my family. Although it makes me sad that there are so many of us that are not enjoying our families. The holidays will be difficult for us. How are you all dealing with the holidays? I am now 57 with 3 grown children, I have my own home, and I am independant. I'm just not sure how to handle Christmas since my sisters have plans for my mother. I suppose I will just enjoy my own children and grandchildren and try to avoid thinking about seeing my mother. Thank you all for listening and posting. I wish I had the answers for all of us!

Dec 1, 2011 3:30 AM

Guest :

You know that old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished"? Well, that's the dynamic between me and my only living family member in Ontario Canada, my near-in-age younger sister. Through two husbands (and two now-grown daughters), she has been hitting on me for large favors, typically financial, and in the most entitled, boundary-crossing, nasty of ways. And even though her second husband has a Ph.D. in a behavioral field, the addicted hitting on me did not stop — until I cut them out of my life. Yes, it's true; I now have no near biological family members, and I am all alone, way down here on the West Coast of the US. At first, it was painful and vexing, but now that eight years have passed, each more pleasant and unburdened than the next, I realize that I should have exited that crazy train-wreck years earlier. In fact, to put closure, I left my classic "mean sister" a phone message on her work line (her home line is not private) and told her that I was "sorry to say it, but there is nothing to miss."
Why spend your entire life in the poisonous orbit of an abusive sibling who has never availed herself of a single hour of professional therapy because she is always right (and a phone slammer)? I sometimes wonder how she is doing now that she hasn't got me to dump on verbally and hit on financially. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge and cut them and all of their myriad unresolved issues and bottomless-pit needs out of your life.
I like to suppose that my slightly younger, middle-aged sister will see the light one day, but, realistically, I think that is wishful thinking and a pipe dream because I just don't believe the capacity (EQ + IQ) is there. Sometimes, sadly, that is the case.
Joan Fontaine and Olivia de Haviland have nothing on me and my sister. I hope my sharing these few insights is helpful to other long-suffering siblings. My heart and best wishes go out to you all.
Lynn C.
Silicon Valley
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