Relationship psychology doesn’t have to be complicated or confusing – and neither does setting healthy boundaries in love! These examples of collapsed, nonexistent, and unhealthy boundaries will help build emotional intimacy for both dating and married couples.
Healthy boundaries define where you begin and end, and where your partner begins and ends. Setting boundaries helps you figure out what your responsibilities are, what your partner’s responsibilities are, and what belongs to neither you nor your partner.
Setting healthy boundaries — no matter what stage of love you’re in — is about finding the balance between ignoring your feelings and letting them be in charge. In other words, boundaries are about accepting your emotions but not letting them control your behavior.
Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries in Love
Compliant partners have collapsed or nonexistent boundaries; they say “yes” to everything. Similar to "people pleasers," compliant people have weak boundaries that let everything in. They can't say no.
Avoidant partners tend to avoid conflict. They can’t ask for help, can’t express their feelings or opinions, and use their boundaries to keep everyone out. Avoidant people tend to see their needs as bad and destructive.
Controlling people refuse to accept no for an answer. They don’t respect their partners' limits, and use aggression and manipulation to get what they want.
Non-responsive people ignore their partner’s needs. They tend to be critical and self-absorbed – and they avoid healthy emotional intimacy.
Applying Relationship Psychology to Setting Boundaries
Relationship psychology brings insight and understanding to human relationships, love, and emotional intimacy. Applying these insights in a practical, sincere way can improve both dating and marriage relationships. How? By encouraging people to take ownership of their collapsed or unhealthy boundaries, and helping them set healthy boundaries in love.
"In a marriage, as in no other relationship, the need for revealing your boundaries is important," write Henry Cloud and John Townsend in Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. "Passive boundaries such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-aggressive behavior are extremely destructive to a relationship. Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions. They need to be clear and unapologetic."
To learn more about setting boundaries in love, read How to Make Love Last in Long-Term Relationships.
More on Relationship Psychology
A True Love Test for Happy Couples – describes seven habits of happy couples, which can help you determine if your relationship will last.
5 Ways to Say Goodbye to Someone You Love – helps people move on after dealing with a break up.
Resource:
Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (Zondervan, 1992).
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.
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