Assertiveness training teaches women how to speak their minds and stand up for themselves. Even if women don't actually take an assertiveness class, it's important to know what being assertive means.
Here's a pop culture example of a woman who is not assertive, plus tips on how to stop being a people pleaser...
What Women Can Learn From Marge Simpson
Marge Simpson, wife of Homer Simpson and mother of Bart and Lisa, has lost her self-identity. She hasn't learned to balance assertiveness with acceptance - which is why she explodes in anger every few shows. Like many moms, her family takes her for granted and she folds under cultural expectations. She puts her family before everything, even her own self.
If you're putting everyone above your own needs, you may need some assertiveness training. Not taking care of yourself is similar to not standing up for yourself, and it can't be good for anybody. Neither is being a people pleaser.
Marge Simpson is a stereotypical sitcom mom -- and she's a passive one (which is why she needs assertiveness training). She flirts with gambling addictions, road rage, alcoholism, and shoplifting. She seems to have lost her self-identity but keeps breaking out of her mold with brief forays into political activism, marriage counseling, police work, art, acting, sub teacher and novelist.
Marge tries to break out of her rut, but always seems to fall back into who she "should" be. Wife, disciplinarian, mother – she supports her family, swallows her opinions and frustrations, and keeps the house clean. She doesn't stand up for herself, and she's definitely a people pleaser.
Assertiveness Training for Women
"Couldn't she just take his abuse with gentle good humor?" Marge asks the director of the play. Yes, she could – but if she doesn't learn how to be more self-confident, she'll lose her zest for life.
In one episode, Marge plays Blanche duBois to Ned's Stanley in A Streetcar Named Desire; during rehearsal Marge couldn't summon the passion to threaten Stanley with a broken bottle. Her fallback position – in both reality and on stage – is accepting all circumstances with gentle good humor. It doesn't matter if it's emotional abuse or ignoring her dreams to paint portraits: she passively accepts her life as others shape it. When she asked her husband Homer why he couldn't be more supportive, he replied, "Because I don't care." And she let it go because that's what Marge does. Like many people pleasers, she lets things go.
Marge Simpson in All Women?
There's some Marge Simpson in all of us – it could be a tiny bit or a huge chunk - and we could all use some assertiveness training for women. Some of us are Marge personified: eager people pleasers. Women in particular seem to naturally need to smooth conflict, ease pain, and not make waves. We embody acceptance, not assertiveness. Sometimes we even make excuses for abuse and defend the abusers. Maybe it's because we don't recognize emotional abuse when we hear it (such as Marge letting Homer's statement go); perhaps it's because we don't know how to stand up for ourselves or assert ourselves successfully. Maybe we feel guilty or afraid.
Regardless of why it's difficult to speak up, we can find the balance between gentle good humor (acceptance) and standing up for ourselves (assertiveness).
How to Practice Being Assertive for Women
Remember that your rights and feelings are just as important as other people's – and their feelings and opinions are no less important than yours. Assertiveness training for women is about valuing others and treating them fairly, hearing their opinions and sharing your own. Being assertive is about respecting mutual rights, and not resorting to manipulation, deceit, or abuse. Learning how to stand up for yourself won't destroy others' rights. Being assertive means having the self confidence to be yourself.
Clarify what you want. Don't retreat into silence or bully other people; rather tune in to your wants and needs and make requests. Being assertive means being clear. Learning how to stand up for yourself means being honest.
A formal assertiveness training course teaches women how to:
- say "no"
- have an opinion, and express it
- express your feelings
- decide how to spend your time
- change your mind
- make your own decisions
- make mistakes and forgive yourself
Assertiveness training involves standing up for yourself while respecting other people. Maybe we chuckle at how Homer Simpson treats Marge – after all it's "only" an animated TV show that satirizes all aspects of North American culture – but we don't have to live that way.
If you found Assertiveness Training for Women helpful, you might like Finding Yourself Again
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.
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