Needing to please other people, no matter what the personal cost, is a sign of the "disease to please." In more psychological terms, excessive people pleasing is an example of unhealthy boundaries, in both work and personal relationships.
What Are Healthy Boundaries?
A healthy personal boundary is a space around yourself that gives you a clear sense of who you are and where you’re going. When you choose who you allow into your physical, emotional and mental space, you’re activating your personal boundaries.
For example, if your mother or child asks for a ride to the mall and you can’t say no without feeling guilty, then you’re not protecting your personal boundaries. If your colleague consistently expects you to do her work and you haven’t figured out how to say no, then you’re flirting with the "disease to please."
The key to healthy work and personal relationships is setting and maintaining a strong sense of personal boundaries. If your boundaries are collapsed or inflexible, your relationships will suffer.
Inflexible Boundaries
Personal boundaries can become rigid and unyielding – like “walls” between you and others. Sometimes parent-child relationships have inflexible boundaries, which makes dealing with difficult parents so important!
If you have inflexible boundaries, you may:
- Fear being hurt, vulnerable, or taken advantage of.
- Have difficulty identifying your wants, needs and feelings.
- Say no if requests involve close interaction with others.
- Avoid intimacy by staying freakishly busy, picking fights, or avoiding people.
- Refuse to share personal information.
- Fear abandonment or suffocation, and avoid close relationships.
- Struggle with loneliness, low self-esteem, distrust, anger, and control.
Collapsed Boundaries
Personal boundaries can become weak or even nonexistent. The proverbial “doormat” has collapsed boundaries -- and may be a victim of psychological bullying. If you have collapsed boundaries, you may:
- Say yes to all requests because you fear rejection and abandonment.
- Tolerate abuse or disrespectful treatment.
- Feel you deserve to be treated poorly.
- Avoid conflict.
- Have no sense of who you are or what you feel, need, want and think.
- Not see flaws or weaknesses in others.
- Focus on pleasing those around you.
- Take on the feelings of others.
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy personal boundaries are evident and effective when you know who you are, and you treat yourself and others with respect. If you have healthy boundaries, you may:
- Feel free to say yes or no without guilt, anger or fear.
- Refuse to tolerate abuse or disrespect.
- Know when a problem is yours or another person’s – and refuse to take on others’ problems.
- Have a strong sense of identity.
- Respect yourself.
- Share responsibility with others, and expect reciprocity in relationships.
- Feel freedom, security, peace, joy and confidence.
People pleasers need to work on setting healthy boundaries -- it's the only way to overcome the "disease to please"!
How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries?
Setting healthy boundaries involves taking care of yourself and knowing what you like, need, want, and don’t want. The best time to set personal boundaries is before they’re being encroached upon.
Two steps for people pleasers:
- Be honest with yourself with your true feelings and opinions.
- Share your feelings and opinions with others.
It’s easy on paper, but actually admitting how you feel to yourself and others may be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. An excellent way to help yourself is take time to think about the situation. Regarding family boundaries, for instance: if your mom asks you to take her to the mall for the 29th time this week and you can’t say no without guilt, tell her you need 15 minutes to think about her request. Use the time to figure out how you really feel and how to express it to her. Marriage boundaries can work the same way -- it's all about letting go of other people's expectations.
Then do it. It won’t be easy, but you’ll feel happy, liberated, and strong (and a little guilty at first) – and it will get easier and easier as everyone adjusts to your new, healthy boundaries. You're not a people pleaser anymore!
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.
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