When a marriage is ending, “parental alienation” may occur. This occurs when the children of a divorced couple dislike or even hate a particular parent. Divorce isn’t easy for kids, but it's less painful if the psychological extreme of parental alienation is avoided.
Fortunately, there are several methods that enable divorcing parents to help their children.
Be Aware of Unconscious Maligning
Unconscious maligning occurs when divorcing parents say negative things about their ex, without realizing their kids are within earshot.
It’s normal and even healthy for parents to discuss their thoughts and feelings about their ex-partner with other people – as long as the children don’t hear it. To avoid unconscious maligning, adopt a “the walls have ears” mindset. Only discuss your ex and the divorce when your kids aren’t in the house or vicinity.
Realize the Healthier Parent May Be Maligned
Psychologically healthy parents know ending a marriage is hard on the kids, and are less likely to “use” their ex-husband, ex-wife, or children to get revenge. Healthy parents want healthy relationships, even in divorce. The healthier the parents are, the more likely they are to work together to make divorce easier on the kids.
Sometimes, psychologists say, it’s the healthier parent who is alienated, rejected, or made to be the “bad guy.” Unhealthy parents act in their own best interests — not the children’s — and may deliberately sabotage family relationships.
Accept the Ex-Wife or Ex-Husband’s New Partner
As uncomfortable or painful as it is to accept, a new partner will probably play a significant role in the children’s future. The better the adult relationships are, the more well-adjusted and secure the children will feel.
Make divorce easier on the kids by accommodating the new relationship as much as possible, and by attempting to create and maintain an amicable relationship with the divorced partner. Keep focusing on the children; try to see the situation from their perspective.
Focus on Divorce Recovery
Healing after a divorce is a long, emotionally draining process. The idea of ending a marriage is devastating, even if the relationship was unhealthy or abusive. The most important thing for divorcing parents to remember is that the healthier and more well-adjusted they are, the healthier and more well-adjusted their kids will be. Make divorce easier on the kids by attending divorce recovery support groups, reading about healing after divorce, and even seeking counseling for divorcing couples.
Divorce can be the start of a better stage of life for a family, especially if the parents are committed to making things as healthy and easy as possible for their children. Divorcing parents need to put their kids first – far above their own needs and inclinations.
Resource:
Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond From a Vindictive Ex (Harper, 2003) by Richard Warshak.
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.
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