3 Stages of Love in Relationships

Romantic Feelings, Physical Attraction, and Emotional Attachment

Jan 29, 2007
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Stages of Love in Relationships - sxc ba1969

The three stages of love in relationships are romantic feelings, physical attraction, & emotional attachment. Here are seven ways for partners to enjoy all stages.

Relationships go through three stages of love: the initial feelings of lust or romantic feelings, physical attraction, and finally a deeper emotional attachment.

Reaching the final stage of love isn't just about luck or unconditional acceptance. You can reach the final stage of love with these seven tips for a healthy love life. But to be enjoyed, the three stages of love must first be understood.

What Are the Stages of Love?

The three stages of love are the same for everyone: lust or romantic feelings, physical attraction, and emotional attachment. The stages of love aren't necessarily separated by markers like anniversaries or events (such as getting married). Rather, the three stages of love blend together in one long stroke of love.

Not everyone reaches or stays in the final stage of love, which is when separation or divorce becomes the choice.

The Three Stages of Love in Relationships

Romantic feelings or lust is the first stage of love. Romantic love is driven by testosterone and estrogen. Mating is the evolutionary purpose of this stage of love; it creates strong physical attraction and sets the stage for emotional attachment. In this stage of love, endorphins soak your brain and you're immersed in intense pleasurable sensations. Your lover is perfect, ideal, made for you. In this stage of love you feel exhilarated and even "high" (similar to the feeling you get after you eat really good chocolate or have a great workout). You feel infatuated in this stage of love.

Physical attraction and power struggles make up the second stage of love (the "lovesick" phase). You may lose your appetite, need less sleep, and daydream about your lover on the bus, during meetings, in the shower. In this stage of love, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are racing through your body and brain. You're also trying to shape your lover into your ideal partner – which is where the power struggles come in. In this stage of relationship, you're becoming more realistic, and you two may fight about things like whether or not to buy organic food or listen to country music. The infatuation is wearing off, a strong emotional attachment begins to set in, and feelings of infatuation fade.

Emotional attachment or unconditional acceptance is the third stage of love. Emotional attachment involves commitment, partnership, and even children (a fear of intimacy prevents many from reaching this stage of love). In this stage of love, you're aware of both positive and negative traits in your partner, and you've decided you want to build a life together. Confrontation is most likely to occur in this stage of love (though if you're authentic and honest, it'll also happen in the second stage of love). You and your partner will either work towards a healthy, loving relationship or decide to call it quits.

Staying in Love

Love isn't just a vehicle that brings happiness and contentment to your life (or bitterness and pain!). Love is a living, dynamic creature that changes, grows, and needs attention -- and you must nurture it. In all three stages of love, your love reveals who you really are, in all your glory and weakness.

All stages of love can help you accept your strengths and weaknesses. All stages of love also reveal your partner's strengths and weaknesses.

7 Tips for All 3 Stages of Love:

Focus on the things you can control: your attitude, your behavior, your words, and your energy. If you want something to change in any stage of a loving relationship, make it your own traits or actions – not your partner's.
Learn healthy ways to express your disappointment, anger, or frustration. Be honest and authentic, and kind and loving in all stages of relationships.
Remember the first stage of love! Recall your feelings of lust, attraction, and desire for your partner. Think about the traits that you were attracted to, and let those old feelings come to life again.
Appreciate your partner's good qualities; be grateful for the life you share. Gratitude can enhance all stages of relationships.
Focus on emotional intimacy in all three stages of love. Be vulnerable to have a healthy love life.
Own your feelings. Your partner can't "make" you feel stupid or worthless. If you feel unfulfilled or sad about your life, look at your own dreams and goals. Are you pursuing the life you were meant to live? Are you following your heart? Develop your personality, mind, and spirit. Figure out what will make you happy in this stage of love, and start creating the life you were meant to live.
Consider counseling in any stage of love. If you've lost that loving feeling, it could be an individual thing that you need to deal with or a couples' issue that you should tackle together. An objective point of view, from a therapist, pastor, or friend you trust, is incredibly helpful in all stages of relationships.

Regardless of what stage of love you're in, you need to know the best way to say "I love you"!

If you found 3 Stages of Love helpful, you might like Popular Articles About Dating, Love, and Relationships.

For a full list of articles about sex and love, read Creating Healthy Sexual Intimacy in Love.

If you and your partner are struggling with physical or emotional affairs, you might find Steps a Couple Can Take After Infidelity helpful.

Laurie Pawlik Kienlen, Psychology Feature Writer, Bruce Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.

Emotional Attachment in Psychology - sxc fangol

Psychology Relationships and Love Stages - sxc Ambro

Comments

May 12, 2008 7:57 AM

Guest :

makes so much sense :)

Aug 29, 2008 12:03 PM

Guest :

This is what the man in my life has been talking about! I did not get it until now. I was confused and causing him such confusion. I wish I had read this about a week ago before we had this crazy week as we are moving to emotional attachment.

I see there is no time frames attached to these stages...and I can understand why....but it would be helpful to know ranges of time. I like to stress that change is growth and as we go from one stage to another it can cause confrontation (it did!) but I am commited to attempt to communicate and work through it. I hope he is too!

Sep 17, 2008 2:50 PM

Guest :

The last line of the "Physical Attraction" paragraph is unclear: "The infatuation is wearing off, a strong emotional attachment begins to set in, and feelings of infactuation fade."

I looked up infactuation on dictionary.com and there was nothing. Perhaps you meant to say infatuation. If so, within the same sentence... infatuation is wearing off and they fade is somewhat redundant. beside from this, your grammer is hot.

Jan 21, 2009 7:50 AM

Guest :

Great article! I thought i had nearly ended our relationship and was calling it quits... but after a few days we were still talking and now it was on a more mature level...So may be we are entering this last Emotional Attachment phase...(But my partner somehow already knew all this and kept his cool througout ...lol)

Mar 1, 2009 4:01 PM

Guest :

I just met my now boyfriend 3 months ago and we decided to started dating 2 months ago. I feel as tho I am already in the stage 3 level.
I feel it might be to soon, but how can you put a time frame on love is what I keep asking myself.

Apr 6, 2009 12:40 PM

Guest :

yes i am impressed !!! I am in Love and i had already crossed the first stage and some parts of second stage, and i am trying to make our relationship more stronger, for which i need to considered other different things.

May 12, 2009 12:49 PM

Guest :

It is a good article.

Aug 25, 2009 3:58 AM

Guest :

love is love, no stages, no time control...........

Aug 25, 2009 5:42 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled "infactuation"!

Sep 4, 2009 11:51 AM

Guest :

its really a good website.keep it up

Sep 6, 2009 4:57 PM

Guest :

thankyou :)this website makes a lot sense. you've got a really great way with words. x

Oct 1, 2009 12:44 AM

Guest :

"I feel as tho I am already in the stage 3 level. I feel it might be to soon, but how can you put a time frame on love is what I keep asking myself."

Let me give you an example: He's sick, tired and grumpy. You've had a hard day. Despite this, you decide to make him comfy on the couch and prepare him a special warm drink.

If you do it because he looks so cute when he's sick and he's such a lovely person normally, then you're not in stage 3. Stage 3 is when you look after each other even when life is rotten and you don't feel like it, because you know that's what's needed to strengthen your love and commitment to each other.

Stages 1 and 2 don't inherently last, but if you're really committed to each other (a strong stage 3), you can work out ways to revisit the good bits again and again.

Oct 21, 2009 11:05 PM

Guest :

Wow! Im just a 17 year old guy. And I have the best dam relationship I been dating my gf for almost 6 months and I feel great cause I've pass through all the 3 stages with out knowing or reading anything just by following my heart. Do you think my Relationship is a strong one??

Oct 22, 2009 9:38 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I’m glad you’re so happy with you girlfriend!

The best way to tell if your relationship is a strong one is if it stands “the test of time.” That is, after 3 years or 5 years or 10 years, if you’re still in love and enjoying all the stages of love, then you have a great relationship.

Good luck, and stay loving,

Laurie

Oct 25, 2009 7:13 PM

Guest :

What do you do if you think you are ready for stage three, but your partner may not be?

Oct 27, 2009 11:09 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

If your partner isn’t at the same stage of love – or ready for the same stage of love – then there’s not much you can do but wait. You could set yourself a time limit (eg, six months, or a year)…and then if he or she still isn’t ready, you’d have to decide if you need to move on or set another time limit.

The last stage of love takes time, and grows stronger over time. It can’t be rushed or jumped into – not if the love will be long-lasting love, anyway. Emotional attachments take honesty, authenticity, and sincere caring.

So, you wait…and continue loving your partner in your own way! He or she will love you back in his or her own way…and hopefully you’ll eventually be at the same stage at the same time.

I wish you all the best,
Laurie

Jul 20, 2010 6:26 PM

Guest :

Love is over rated...... You DON'T really need it and it is usually a LOT more trouble than it is worth.

Aug 6, 2010 11:43 AM

Guest :

this is very nice article. As a humanbeing we have to know all about out our society and sorrounding. this is the only way to devlop our knowledge in this field.

Aug 23, 2010 7:59 AM

Guest :

right on learned something new, can someone explain why men hav a hard time with emotional love and are always pushing for physical?

Aug 24, 2010 9:21 PM

Guest :

maybe it's because men function more physically and women function more emotionally (generally). guys will sacrafice everything when they think they're with their right woman, so i'm guessing guys are careful about who they choose?

Sep 7, 2010 8:27 AM

Guest :

i a a 27 year old male and i LOVE this article! as i read the first two stages i almost fell off my chair! my relationship has taken a turn for the worse. We are trying to come into the third step but we are at a wall with no ladder or sledge hammer. My girlfriend is 6 years younger and has always had her father taking care of her and giving her anything sher wants. it is causing bad problems now that we are talkin about her moving in..... we are actually seperated right now but i want this to work

Sep 16, 2010 5:58 PM

Guest :

I wish my male friend was more interested in the physical level. Things were fine the first month and then he started backing out on me, giving me the excuse that he felt it wasn't right in his heart to sleep with someone he's not married to and cannot get married to because she's not succumbing to being a member of his 'cult' protestant religion! Yet he's made sexual contact on and off over the past few years though they're pathetically spaced apart by three months. When I ask his explanation for them he admits "I was weak" and then he repents for it by putting me on the backburner! Does he sound like a joke, someone using religion as an excuse to avoid intimacy or has this dude got a major head problem created by his faith? Should I continue to hang in there, or would that classify me as having a major head problem? ;)

Sep 22, 2010 1:16 PM

Guest :

Dear Guest who posted on September 16, 2010. It appears to me that your partner is having some conflict between religion and sexual appetite. It does state in his religion that the spirit and the flesh are constantly at war with one another. Your partner may be experiencing conviction from the intimate relationships that were formed and sex was involved. You are reminding your friend of the sin that was committed. That is where the conflict is. If you are not willing to work through your friends desire to be committed to the faith and at the same time please you, you may consider the relationship will never enter into the second and third stages of love. I really love this article and will share this information in my group therapy sessions with individuals who were convicted of being abusive to loved ones.

Oct 4, 2010 11:50 AM

Guest :

love is sth that comes suddenly it has no specific time.. you feel it. it does sometimes hurt but there cant be steps in love thats ridiculous

Nov 11, 2010 5:02 PM

Guest :

Thank you so much for the article! My guy friend and I started out great-then it seemed as if we argued about EVERYTHING! He couldn't even be honest about his feelings with me. Thanks to your article, I realize we were going through the first 2 stages. He finally admitted to me recently that he has an emotional attachment to me. Perhaps now there will be less friction between us since we have both decided to be honest with our feelings about one another. Thanks again!

Nov 11, 2010 8:23 PM

Guest :

great, insightful, realistic :)

Nov 12, 2010 4:17 AM

Guest :

my friend(naadz) and i(clay) just read this article and we think it is so helpful in both of our relationships. i'm officially hailing you the love guru 2010

Dec 14, 2010 2:30 AM

Guest :

I've been married for 9 years, together 11 and we have always got on well, best buddies, we love and respect eachother untill this year, we moved, our self fulfilment journeys have taken there toll on each of us, where we dont spent much time with each other the communication has become low priority therefore creating an irreparable storm, rejection and resentment feeling brewed. He walked out without a word for a week, vanished and that Beautiful South song popped into my mind (You need a little time).
So much for everlasting, but we are now amicable, seperated and remain supportive friends.

Feb 17, 2011 5:43 AM

Guest :

its a good article but iam still confused on how i really feel like i used to be madly in love with my boyfriend and now every few days i feel like i dont feel anything towards anyone then somedays i love him to death and when i feel nothing i know deep down i love him & when i feel like this i dont like even want to talk to him i hate it... does anyone know what this is? & ive heard when ur dating someone from 9 months to 1 year & 6 months you can feel like u dont love them is that true?

Mar 16, 2011 6:08 AM

Guest :

l cant take anything from the mouth of the author, She has said it all, good work and it has help me very well in making a decision today.

Apr 22, 2011 9:08 AM

Guest :

I recently read an article (and forgive me for not citing it here) that spoke about women in the UK who were 'shaking up' had lower self esteem than women who were married. As a woman who's been living with a man for the past five years, I am inclined to believe that there is some truth to those findings. My boyfriend and I are on the outs - meaning he has resorted to sleeping in our guest room and we have stopped having sex. From a communication perspective, this is the best relationship I have ever been in but I am starting to see similar patterns that spelled doom in past relationships. I am at the point where I don't know what to do. I'm rarely at a loss for words, as writing and communication are my profession, but in this situation - I have nothing to say. I like your advice. Maybe there is something I can take away from this to help me understand myself better. I love him deeply and I don't want our relationship to be over; but those patterns are telling me different. And, it's a little scary.

Sep 25, 2011 6:28 PM

Guest :

Lust, Infauctuation & then comes Love. It comes in steps so that's why its important to take your time w. everything :) sit back & observe what's meant too be!!!!!

Nov 30, 2011 1:17 PM

Guest :

This really helps with my Romeo and Juliet Essay

Dec 30, 2011 5:19 PM

Guest :

Hi, this article is indeed a very good way of expressing in words what the tongue usually cannot. I knew my husband 3 years before we decided to get married, he seemed very emotional about his feelings towards me and the way he treated me, but I could not understand him well enough back then and basically I would make fun of his ways of expressing himself to me (very childish of me I know!) and this led him to withdraw a little emotionally from me. Now 7 years after marriage and with 2 young kids, I now feel so emotionally attached to him and I expressed to him the feelings I have in the way he used to do back then and I received a response that literally broke me and shook my world because he was only reacting in the way I usually reacted to him in the past…. And I cried so much….. only then I understood what he was going through back then but thank God he was able to comfort me because he understood that I finally reached the stage he had years ago. Although I used to do certain things for him that fall into the third stage of love from almost three years ago but it is only now that I am able to understand my true emotional attachment to him which I really did not feel so strongly until about 6months ago. So there really is no time limit in the stages of love, I feel that it just develops naturally over time. I have known my husband for 10years and only now I can say that I have reached or settled in stage 3. I would just like to add that this stage might be very comfortable for many but for me it is quite emotionally draining.
Thank you for sharing this article.

Mar 18, 2012 6:06 AM

Guest :

I've been with my BF for 3 years. I love him for sure but I don't know if im in love with him anymore. I think that my life is unfulfilling. I've had feelings for someone else but so much of what i think about him will improve my own life, i dont know what to do. My BF is kind, forgiving and generous but he can also be inconsiderate, pig-headed & thoughtless. i know he doesnt mean to be.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like im choosing between them but it just got me thinking about my life and our relationship. I feel like a bird in a cage. I dont see any of my work friends because we live far away. I should make more of an effort with my friends but i feel so dependant on him. The only people we see are his friends when we go to their houses. We dont go out of an evening. I often say id like to go out for a walk, he accepts the idea and then it never happens. Half of the time it feels like im flogging a dead horse. :[

Apr 4, 2012 11:54 PM

Guest :

Not everyone has physical attraction. Look up asexuality.

36 Comments