Letting Go Of Your Past - Moving On With Life

The person I had started a relationship with, is/was so defined by everything and everyone, from his past, that...I could not stay with him. The past was creating so many knee-jerk reactions to almost every aspect of what we were beginning. I tried so hard to facilitate a healthy, happy new life with the two of us...but over, and over again...the demons of his prior relationships kept rearing their ugly heads! Oh, we are in our late 50s, (not children) and both fun, intelligent people, who reunited, at a reunion, of all things. Sounds great on paper, after a load of emails; texts; phone calls; got together...yikes, out of the woodwork, march the exes...and the negative-every-other word-I say-triggers somes shrieking-border-line 911(HELP), crazy reactions...WHAT??? From a mountain-man with a degree, CEO of a company...Shakespeare reading, writing-poetry-to-me...Renaissance man, to a raving lunatic! I am by no means saying that I am perfect...but I am not bogged down by the past...to me it belongs there...in the past. I am all about the present and future, I love to laugh. and have fun, and have lived all over the world, so am capable of holding my own conversationally. My big thing is gourmet cooking, and I used to be a model, so not too hard on the eyes...I just don't get this guy? Without sounding too simplistic....don't we all have choices? Drag the garbage of our past into our now, and learn from it, then move along? Sorry to have gone on, just got off the plane...returned from what was to be a wonderful time...I had to leave early, I like myself too much to be treated with such disrespect. The sad part is I feel worse for him, I can walk away...Thanks, A

I know where he is and I also know it's so unhealthy. I'm trying deperately to let go of past pain but it continues to control my life. It's no wonder it affected your relationship because when one person is going through this, the other person can only deal with so much before they have to move on. I tried being in a relationship but I finally ended it after 6 months because I realized I was still in so much pain that I was really hiding behind this new relationship just to avoid dealing with it. I am now in therapy and am trying to let go not only of the people involved, but the pain and self blame that has me in agony ever day of my life. It's very difficult and requires more self dicipline than I currently have but I will get there. And while I'm going through this, I have to accept that a relationship with someone is not possible and not wise. I lean on my friends when I can and I'm trying a lot of the things this article suggests. I've confronted my memories and I've tried to talk to the partner I lost but she will not speak with me. She was very abusive in our relationship and has the kind of personality that would probably only cause me more pain if we did speak. I have gone over and over the mistakes I've made until I'm sick and it's time to forgive myself and stop taking all the blame. After all, she never apologized for her abusive behavior and most likely never will so I'm letting myself off the hook for my mistakes. Now, I just have to let go of the hurt and the shame that comes from being the one who has had such a hard time letting go.

Well I am in a situation where I have to let go - not because there was something wrong with the person/relationship but I was with someone who had never thought he would be in a relationship cos the thought of being married etc was never part of his grand plan for himself - that plan had a pause in it when he decided to take that chance with me and then felt the need to go back to just being single -not because of anything I did/didnt do but because he just needed to be unattached for himself...this has been a first of a kind experience for me and made it that much harder...as time goes on I guess I will heal - but my faith in trying to be in a relationship has definitely been shaken!!!

Guest,
I lost my husband aged 37 17 years ago having had a rare form of cancer for 3 years and was left with 3 young children to bring up plus serious finacial difficulties .My father was a great support but sadly died suddenly 6 months later .Was devastated yet again as for the rest of my family mother,brother sister got nothing other than bullying from them wanting me to do what they wanted with property ,land i had .got no support emotionally from them whatsoever I always put my darling children first and was a good mother to them however there were times i was paralysed with fear and got so deppressed .I remarried a wonderful man 3 years later who has been my rock through thick and thin plus my best friend who kept telling me what my family was like but did not want to believe it without them i would be 6 feet under.After taking so much hurt and put downs from my family more so after my children finished uni with degrees and they got not once of credit from my family A well done would have been nice but never came .
I consider myself a very caring loving person who got no love care or support from my family and found this so hard to take .
2 years ago plucked up the courage to write to my mother ,sister and brother ,crying out for help and for family to be united RESPONSE got accused of telling lies (i dont think so )obviously the truth hurt and for my sanity walked away .Then came the guilt from me .My sister over the years was always on the end of the phone putting me down but never face to face twisted my mothers head then turned my younger brother against me who i was always close to and tried to protect him from doing to him what they did to me however no disrespect to him but he has not got the capacity to stop them controlling him as he is terrified from them and they had to get him away from me as i was advising him they were doing the same to him.Never in my life have i felt so much rejection pain was so intense i felt suicidal .I hold my hands up here took to drink and gambling as an escape .Wow what a mistake .The shame i felt could not put into words seeked help through couselling in which has been wonderful and i have finally got the picture although taken a lot of years .Never in my life would i have ever thought a family would behave like this Now realise it was all to do with greed and money on their part wanting what i had.Now put the past behind me and moving on .I want no more to do with them and thank god i still have my sanity

First thank you so much for this article im so overwhelmed to know that i have something to read like this. I have a very - very bad past.. its not easy to let go.. because its not only past its still until now.. I have a very - very disfunctional family. my parents are terrible specially my mother who is from the start abuse not only my emotional but also phyical. additional to that is the experience of mine to the first man and happen to be the father of my first daughter and cheat me. then my parents take my child during the time i was in abroad and cant do anything, its like blackmaling they have my child and i have to send money always which is normal" but i send to much and when i send money, they still tell me im nothing but a piece of shit, they talk a loooooot, a lot of very bad words that i almost wanna kill my self, because they are the one who put me on this situation., i dont know exactly how i can tell the whole story, but really i have a real bad hard time to my own parents. additional to that is the second man who take for granted on me, happen to be the father of my second child, he lied to me he is married but too late to know because i already give birth to our son before i found out that he still married. i separated to him again. and now my daughter is in her 15 and now telling me i am a bad mother... me who is the only one whos working for my two children because i got no help from their fathers. I got a terrible bad life, experience from parents, brother & sisters, fathers of my kids and now my own kids.. somethimes i wanna kill my self, i did all my best for all of them, but they are all putting me very - very down.. i know im not bad i know i can not do everything but i know i can do my very best.. I know I need help. please help some advice

I'm so sorry to hear about how tough you've had it! One of the best ways to let go of the past is to distance yourself from negative, manipulative, destructive, controlling, bitter, mean people. If you can avoid seeing people like that, you'll be a whole lot better off. Surround yourself with people who support, love, respect, and like you. If you don't have friends like that, then try getting support from a local distress line or women's shelter.....it's just really hard to pull yourself into a better life alone!

And, trust your gut. You know you're not a bad person, and you know you're doing the best you can! So what if you've made mistakes - we all have. But, successful people don't keep making the same mistakes.

You do need help -- we ALL do. Where can you get help? I don't know because I'm not in your town or city -- but I do know that most towns and cities have social services-type help. If you don't have friends who can help, contact social services or a support group of some kind.

Sorry I can't be more helpful - but please do reach out for help!

How do you deal with dating a divorcee????

I come from what was an extremely dysfunctional family. My mother passed away when we were young, leaving behind six children ages 5 through 15. While my two older sisters had a fine relationship with my father, the rest of us barely knew him, other than the fact that he was constantly beating on my mother. He always worked in a different city, so for the most part we lived with my mum only. This changed after my she passed away, and i think that's when all my problems began. My father was extremely harsh and controlling, and did not entertain any questions. As long as he paid for school and put food on the table, he thought he had done enough. The the 4 of us were terribly scared of him and would run to our rooms whenever he came home. I barely remember holding any conversations with him, except when I was getting reprimanded. 3 years after my mother died my father remarried a young lady - 19 years in his junior, and only six years older than my oldest sibling. when we went to here with a problem, she would say things like "I am not here for you. I am here for my husband and my children" (my step-sisters). My father sent me and my younger siblings to boarding school at an early age, and this only served to create a bigger divide between him and us. I was a sterling student while in elementary school, at the top of my class every term, but somehow when I went to secondary school in my teens i performed really poor, sometimes ending up at the bottom of my class.
i am now in my thirties and i find and only starting to appreciate the effect that environment had on me. I have serious self-esteem issues, have no confidence in myself, always wanting others' reassurance, never able to make decisions on my own and i constantly find myself in bad and abusive relationships. I am angry at the fact that somehow or other my childhood was destroyed and now I carry these issues around with me. I feel anger at my father and stepmother, but at the same time i feel guilty for feeling this way. My younger sister disappeared 5 years ago, never to be heard from again, and I know she probably is fighting the same things I am. I think of seeking professional help, but the thought of it is overwhelming.

I love the article. I ended an eight year long distance relationship. It was painful. He is in the time of his life and he can't handle having too many stressful things to deal with aside from his job. He still communicates with me and we still exchange sweet words. I know I love him so much and he had been very vocal about his love for me but we're both willing to move on. The thing is we both changed. There were times that he'll pour out his stress on me and I fekt really disrespected. He is not aware when he does that and that's a sad fact. I've been with him in a time wherein the world was against him. I felt tired of the stress and the frustrations and its really depressing. I strongly think that I can move on. My brain tells me that I should let go, turn my back from him..and don't even think of being friends with him..but my heart just wants to have him back...and the sad part is--I don't even think I can trust him not to hurt me again. But I'm positive I'll forget about him...I just need more time to be stronger and leave him behind me.

Thank you so much for this article Laurie! I'm posting a link to your advice on my new blog related to all aspects of self. We happen to be focusing on this topic right now, so I appreciate your article and advice very much.
I have just published a hopefully useful eZine and everyone is welcome to download the always free issues of ThoughtSpring in .pdf format. Our premier issue is all about the process and/or need to "Let Go". It truly is a process that each of us must do for our own emotional wellness. No matter what the issue is you are holding on to.
You can find it here:
www.thoughtspring.org
or from our blogsite at:
http://thoughtspring.wordpress.com

I was in a a relationship that was rocky. I have to start with, I was bitter, mean, angry, and a realtionship was not something I had in mind. I thought my ex was too good for me and I didn't want that, I felt in the begining that this man would change me, but for some reason break me heart. When in all reality..it happened. As time passed I changed for the better of me, us, and him. I learned how to respect myself,others,not be selfish,love,forget,I stopped drinking, I stopped cursing, I mean I can go on about countless things I did, and how I changed. To remind you, none of these I have done for anyone else. I wanted to change, to be differnt, to be better, I did all these things (and I don't regret) and still lost him. I did everything in my power to keep him, to satify him, and make him ahppy at all times. I may have been a little stubborn at times but who really is. He was impacient with me and leave me everytime we had a problem, in all reality they where not big problems, I just think an easy way out, or to control. I loved this man fully when I could and wouldn't love any man before, I gave him my all, so how do you accept just getting over it. A love I completly experianced and know what and how it was to actually, fully love someone, it's had, very hard me letting go and I do not know how. We have ended before, or seperated and I neveer, nor have been able to get over him and I feel stupid. Why continue hurting, crying, caring, or loving someone who doesn't for you? So many questions I want to ask and answers I search, I know will get me nowhere but what to do? What do you do when you actually put your all out there and then just get left, how do you deal with that? That is where me, Veronica V Reyna, 22 from texas is at, and ask. Anyone know?

My step father went into the hospital and my mother called my brother. My brother drove all night because they were afraid my father would not survive the night. He did survive and then they were faced with withdrawing life support. They withdrew life support and did not call me until dad had died. The pain of losing him was significant but the hurt of not being called has stayed with me. My mother claims she did not have my phone number, she had three days to get it while waiting for dad to die. When dad died my bother called to tell with his cell phone. My mother never calls, I call. I cannot seem to get past this hurt. It has been two years. I have not contacted my brother since dad died and he has not contacted me. I have had no problem losing a relationsheip with my brother. But I can't seem to move on in reguards to my mom. If my brother is visiting her and I call I know he is there because she will not say my name or give any indication that it's me on the phone nor will she say "love you" when she hangs up. From the language she uses it could be anyone of her friends calling and she has informed them that "she has company and will talk to them later". I need to let go of a relationship that is constantly wounding me and on my mind daily. She does not miss me and if I do not contact her she does not seem to have a void in her life, she doesn't even call if I send her a gift. I call to verify she received it. How can I stop myself from continuing with this self abuse, I need to move on.

I'm so sorry for your loss of your dad, and for what you're going through with your mom and brother. That's hard -- families can be the worst at causing us pain.

I suggest talking with someone objective about whether you should cut all ties and move on, or learn healthy coping strategies and still maintain contact. I don't know what the best route is, because I don't know you or your history. If you talk to a counselor, you'll get a better grip on how to deal with your family.

It boils down to accepting your mom for who she is, or distancing yourself - which means not sending gifts or calling regularly. Either way - whichever you choose to do - you need to deal with your past pain, disappointment, and feelings of betrayal.

Seeing a counselor doesn't have to be expensive or long-term. Sometimes people go for just one session, or a few weeks! I don't know what's available in your area or through the company you work for, but I encourage you to take advantage of the in-person help that's out there, so you can move on and build healthy relationships with people.

Warm wishes,
Laurie

Thank you for this. I don't know if you will ever realize how much this is helping me. I read it every time I feel I cannot deal. You are amazing; understand that you have ultimately helped my life.
Sincerely, thank you.

Back in high school, I had a friend whom i considered to be everything and did many things for. And by things, very stupid things. Now i look back and wonder why the hell did i put my family and old childhood friends though all that pain for one person who always hurt me in the end and never quite cared..? Even though my family pretty dysfunctional, i can't ever excuse myself for what I've done to them. Some things happened that can't be forgiven and i blame myself for being an idiot back then. I still haven't moved on and i wished i could change everything that happened and somehow make-up for the things I've done to those who loved me because of her, but i really can't. After reading this though, i finally accept that and I'm feeling a bit lighter already. So thank you so much...! - Brenda A.

im a young adult and is quite struggling right now..im a bit insecure right now with my friend who is more beautiful, more intelligent, more favorable by many than me,,(i believe that i am pretty, intelligent and truly favored by many..=))its just that i think that she's way better. i know that im not perfect and someone will always be better than us.. she's not the issue here..its my self esteem.im confused because ever since, i thought that i was confident and my friends even say that i have a high self esteem..that's what i also believed before i had my "friend" in my life..im really confused..;(
your articles helped me a bit..i hope that it will really work on me and help me beat my insecurities..hope you also continue posting articles that will help many during their identity cnfusion stage..
arigato gosaimasu..=)

I am at a place in my life where I want so badly to move on... But for some reason I just can't let go of the past. I have been through several years of therapy and I know what I should be doing but I find it so hard to put the thoughts into action and truly move on.
I have been through more than most people go through their entire life and I am 28 years old. From being molested as a child, having the father of my son murdered, 2 of my children being molested, health problems, family problems, intimacey issues, the list goes on and on.
I don't know how to let it all go!!!
I am going to college now, I want to be a therapist.
Actually I want to work directly with children that have been through traumatic events.
How do I reach this goal if I can't let go of my own past.
It haunts me everyday, it effects my everyday life. The relationship I have with my husband, my children, my family, my friends, people that I have only just met! How do I let it all go? Why does it have to be so difficult? I am so angry, and sad, enraged, guilty, confused, I feel condemmed to this hell on earth. Nomatter what I do I can't let it go. I guess inside I'm still that scared little girl that I don't trust because I couldn't protect myself or my children. How do you forgive others when you can't forgive yourself?
When does the vicious cycle end? When do we stop repeating the past, when do we stop living in the past?
The only answer I can come up with is.....
When we're truly ready to accept the past and embrace it.
But then, how do we embrace something so terrifying?
I have been through a whole lot in my short life, but this.... the past... embracing it... letting it go... it's the hardest thing I've ever been through.

I ran a search through yahoo for 'psychology in depression', because I have no other clue as to why I can not move on. Your words are what they are, and have not seemed to help my situation. It is easy to understand how you have helped many of the minds in women who have come through. I respect you for that. I am not a brilliant man, but I have enough life experience to understand how to look at things with an open mind, and do.

Maybe writing this will help me review why I am where I am, and could be categorized as 'self-help'. Therefore, I will write it freely. Maybe further help will be needed as well, but here it is;

Novels and films involving greatly expressed emotion and 'heart-felt' stories are at the top of my interest. For example: Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Letters for Emily by Cameron Wright, and the film Message in a Bottle. When I am finished reading or watching I commonly imagine curling up on the futon with her in my arms. I imagine sharing everything I read and felt while I read. In this imaginary thought she wants nothing more than to hear more, and hold me closer. I imagine her joining me at the symphony around christmas time, holding her closely to provide her with warmth as we exit into the snowy delight outside. I feel her walking through the downtown city lights in the evening hours with me.

I remember standing next to her piano, watching it snow from inside the front window. I remember opening the door to find her weeping face after a car accident, letting her know everything was still going to be wonderful in the life ahead. I remember her in my arms while we danced the final song at my senior prom.

She is still why I want to be a better man. I want to meet another 'her' again, and be the best man I can be for her. The part I need to deal with is the fact that she is happily married to the father of her first child. For her happiness I am grateful, but the fact that man is not me is still killing me.

I guess what I can not figure out is how to descend her position in my sub-conscious. I never want to forget her, but I would rather her not be the first thought coming to mind when it snows, or when I need to hold someone. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, please share: pyramid@8stylesphoto.com

Thank you for listening.

-Phillip

Hi, I just got out of a Three year relationship well at least I looked at it as a relationship. I met my ex three years ago and we had not seen each other since high school. I was not interested at first but as a time went by I started to fall for him. About month later he tells me he just had a baby but was not with the mother of the child. I accepted it and still continued to see him. About a year later I was in LOVE. The second year was very rocky but I didnt want to give up on the relationship. Getting into our third year, nothing had changed. The mother of his child was still always around and never gave up on trying to be with him. And still I would listen to everything he would promise me. Like having a family and having a house and a life of our own. A month before he broke things off with me, he promised that everything would get better and that he was sorry. And everything would change and for me to please not leave him. So I BELIEVED every word. And was so happy that he made up his mind. A month after he finally told me to leave him alone, OVER A TEXT MESSAGE! After three years of putting up with him and doing everything for him. I went through so much, stressing and crying. Having stomach problems. I cut off my whole life to try and be with him. And he couldn't even tell me over the phone or in person that he was done. I know I have to move on but it is so hard everyday. Just trying to get up in the mornings is the hardest thing. I dont know what to do. I need some advise.
Thanks
C

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You invested your heart and soul in that relationship, and he just walked away -- unbelievable, and so callous.

Now, begins the process of healing. You have to let him go and accept that he's not the one for you. You did your best, you bent over backwards for him, but it didn't work. It's over.

Another reader asked the exact same question on my "Physical Signs of Depression" article, and I'm going to point you in the same direction. It's the best advice I have! But I can't give it here, because I want to give you links to articles about letting go of someone you love (and links aren't allowed here).

I wrote an article with links on my Psychology blog; just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Get Over My Ex-Boyfriend?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel of that page.

I wish you all the best, and encourage you to visit those links about surviving breakups. They'll help.

Laurie

I thank you for this sight it good stuff.I am in early recovery and am living it and what I have read so far confirms what I am doing and that is good.To not run,to feel ,to share,stay accountable,and I am honest,open and willing.....

I know this article is meant generally for love, but I would like to talk about the love in friendship, and how that love was ripped away from me. I am a upcoming senior in highschool, so I obviously haven't gone through enough. But as naive as I am, the pain is just as real. As my friends had come over to my house not to play, but to break things off with me. It happened so fast, and I honestly couldnt believe that this was real. After everything that we've been through.. The talks of feeling infinite, the crazy adventures we went through, the ceremonies to help me stop smoking, I loved every single moment spent with them. I had genuinely loved them and could only hope they felt the same. But they left my life just as quickly as they had come in. Many things happened that day, but in the end we met up that night in the playground by the neighborhood swimming pool. They felt ashamed to have even said the things that were said hours earlier and that I should be yelling at them. and that they would do whatever I decided I wanted them to do, which was to either stay friends, or end it that night. What do you say, when you're put in this miserable situation? The simple fact that if you were a friend worth keeping, this would have never been the problem. and that for them to even suggest that they would go with whatever I decided on.. makes me feel like somethings not right. What do I do?....because my heart hurts so much right now.

Hi,

I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking, or what your situation is with your friends. But it sounds like they’ve decided not to be friends with you anymore or they’re asking you to decide if you all should be friends….and if that’s the case, I’m very sorry to hear that. Friendship is a very painful and difficult thing to lose – and no matter how old you are, it’s hard to let go of friends you truly connected with!

If they don’t want to talk to you, there’s not much you can do. But if they’re willing to talk, I suggest asking them to be honest about why they’re pulling away. Was it something you did, or do they just want to end that stage of life? Sometimes people want to let us go, no matter what we did or didn’t do. It’s a very difficult thing to accept, but it’s just part of life.

Also, remember that all friendships have ups and downs. Sometimes we’re close to our friends, and other times we’re as distant or angry as we never thought we’d be! Good friendships – real friendships – go through these ups and downs, and the friends are closer than ever before. Some friendships are strengthened by conflict.

Perhaps you could figure out where you’d like this friendship to go, and be honest about it with your friends. Then, take it from there, depending on what they want.

Best wishes,

Laurie

I am a single mom with daughers 13 & 7. My youngest daughters father has never been a part of her life and I am still unable to let go of the anger and hurt I feel....1)for putting myself again in a position where I had to be a single mom and 2)because this man should be taking care of his child. He has other children (my daughter is the youngest) and he takes care of them and is involved in their lives without any problems. He has gotten married and seems to be living his life without a care in the world. I am left holding the bag of questions that my daughter has as to why she doesn't have a daddy. Every time I have to answer those questions, I get very upset! I never say anything negative about her father but I wish I could make him see what he is missing out on! He may never come around or be the mann that she needs hime to be. How do I let this go when I will be faced with these questions for a very long time?

I had a long distance relationship for nearly 1 year. We initially met whilst living in the same city but 5 weeks after meeting he was offered a job where he would be away for approx. 12-18 mnths, 5 hrs (1hr flight)away. This was a good opportunity for him to clear his debts and to also learn a different aspect of his job. We both decided that since we had an instant connection and got along fantastically, we wanted to continue seeing each other and try and make it work. (I have a 10yo son from a previous relationsship). Everything was going along very well. We missed each other terribly He was finding the work very hard and demanding. On a number of ocassions he mentioned that he would rather be back home with myself and my son. We saw each other every 6 weeks or so on weekends and spoke regularly on the phone.11 months later, 2 weeks after our last time together and 3 weeks before he was due to come back he called me to tell me that he might be getting a job offer to work away somewhere else for approx. 2-4 years. This came as a complete surprise to me. He said that he would let me know more in a few days. In the meantime I was left in limbo. He called 4 days later telling me that he was offered the job and had accepted it. His reasons for taking the job included a step up in his career as there was not much work to come back to, he did not know if he could live with myself and my son, this is why his marriage broke up (not the reason I was given previously) and that we hardly spent anytime together anyway. I should mention that when we first met he did not at any stage give me the impression that he moved around with his work. This was a one off time. Of course I was in total shock. One minute he was coming back, the next minute I would never see him again. I asked him if I had the opportunity to join him would he want me to. His reply was "I don't really have an answer to that, too many unknowns" - in other words, NO. All I basically got from him was "I did enjoy the times we spent together". So basically, I am struggling to put it behind me as I believe he took the easy way out by ending it over the phone. Regardless of the distance, I believe he should of made the effort end it face to face, considering our relationship did not start off long distance. Plus, he was coming back a few days later to go an a diving tour that he had organised with friends months beforehand.I was never given the opportunity to express my thoughts and feelings.

I'm 18 years old and currently in Community College. I'm glad this article existed because I was always going back to my past. I never had an easy childhood and my teen years were dark and sometimes gloomy. People made fun of me in the 6th grade up to 10th grade, my dad beats the hell out of me, and in my senior year of high school, i got in trouble with the police. And everytime i would go back into the past, i would get depressed. I'm trying to recover and move on with my life, so that i can transfer to UMBC.

I am trying to learn the lesson that i can survive without her. She left me, and i did everything i could these past 9 months to hold us together, but she had other men and had no desire of being with me. i guess she really changed from the sweet innocent girl she once was. i sure miss her, but it's time. i'm letting go. its over. i loved her. like they say im sure i can find someone else, but i just wish i was dead.

Hi I have been seeing a girl who was already in a relationship with a guy she met one year before. Their relationship wasn't doing great and I helped her during this phase. After one month the situation with her bf stayed the same and we began to develop a love relationship. She didn't leave her bf while we were together because she was in love with the 2 of us and she said she had to choose between us. 8 months passed before she finally chose her bf over me. In these 8 months I tried to be there for her but everytime I told her to give me a chance and be with me during at least 3 months so that she could make a fair decision. She refused because she was scared to loose her bf forever. I waited but I finally develop some sort of doubt during our relationship and i blamed her for not giving my chance, etc... She forgave me at first till she couldn't anymore and took her decision. During 3 months I couldn't handle this choice and she never really explained to me why she didn't choose me. During those 3 months I felt and still feel guilty of what I did to her and I said I was sorry and that I never meant to hurt her and I did this because I could not handle seeing her live and sleep with the other while we were together. We talked after 3 months and she said that she never wanted to be with me because i was too immature and i couldn't take care of myself. I asked her why she didnt tell me this while we were together she said she didnt want to hurt me as the other girls did before with me.

She said that she wants me out of her life and that I wasn't man enough for her. I also told her to please forgive me for all that Ive done to her as there is not a day where i feel guilty for hurting when we were together. If I could go back I would have done things differently... It hurts to know that I wasnt good enough and that I did hurt her very bad and I can't live with that anymore...

During the 3 months after she took her decision I also lost my job where my boss clearly said to me I was incompetent and not good enough to do the job.

I find it hard to look at me in the mirror knowing that i am a looser at everything i do and i can't stand it anymore... I wish I could have a second chance to change everything and I dont like what i am right now...

From love to friends to conflicts, a lot of things piled up and came back when they seemed to have disappeared shortly after they occurred and thought to have been resolved. Thought for a second today "this isn't true" what a horrible state I'm in...How could they keep haunting me for such a very long period of time until they reached a 24/7 like a stable current. I know its very bad for health and that is disturbing me too. I must find a way to reach complete closure and peace. If someone is able to assist through guidance or someone that is going to or had gone through the same horrible experience can contact me (elnayir@gmail.*om)

It took me 8 years to let go. 7 years have now passed and no contact, I dread the thought of ever seeing her again. In that 7 years I married, have 3 children and a comfortable life. I never leave me details on social sites just in case she found me. It was once the other way round!
Oh, how things change.

I was in a relationship, and I left. I am a person who knows that I need to be involved both physically and emotionally. We had our time, and it was up and down. We both have addictive pasts, and are both in recovery. Our histories are different. What I realized about her was that with her past and relationships was the oneness about them. Her being with her children, and not actively having another to live with has effected our relationship. The way she is now, is that she is very independent and has absorbed living alone, and not being involved with me to the fullest. My past was always involved in a relationship and having someone to be with, and too share. So, letting go is my issue. I know what I have to offer, and what I am not experienced in, is me living and having a life of my own. I know I have not lived alone in over 12 years until recently. And now it is going on 3 years. I guess what I miss is the enmeshed, pink cloud of a being a new relationship. I realize I wanted something from someone I could not have had......

Losing my mom had a great impact mentally and immotionaly. Its almost 10 years,yet i havnt recovered from the pain,agony and longing.ive been through on and off relationships, its all my fault.once i feel that my feelings towards that person is getting deeper,i'll make a way to get rid of that person cause of fear of the pain. Afterwards,guilt and regrets taunting me. i kept on blaming myself and promised not to do it again but i just cant. My mind and body worked automatically.cant control it.every relationship i had has always limitation.Last year i broke up with my Bf.hes been soo loving,caring and understanding but......... Its almost 10 months.now,still i cant forget him.im full of regrets but my fear of going through pain again is more powerful

My first love dumped me for another woman 15 years ago and it is still a painful wound. He swore I was the love of his life, I thought we'd end up together, we had so many great times but I was too young and not ready to marry and resented him for pressuring me...so then he dumped me for another who immediately marked her territory and drove him away from me. They married six months later. I was beyond devastated. Serious depression, couldn't let go and couldn't move on. Of course in his mind (and hers) I was a psycho who couldn't let go, though the only psycho thing I did was call him on his lies (as he lied to me and her) and a few late night drunken sobbing phone calls. We were together over four years through my most formative years so it was impossible to let go for awhile. Eventually I did let go but emotionally still hung on to the wound and scars....and it affected my future relationships. My next boyfriend didn't stand a chance as all I did was compare...and this drove him away eventually which broke my heart a second time. It took me YEARS to stop obsessing about him and I finally felt like I could until I recently visited the area I used to live in while we were together. I hadn't been to this area since the break up and suddenly everything came back to me and I'm back to feeling depressed and obsessing. He is still married to the woman he left me for, they have a family and I'm sure as happy as can be. Part of me feels it's not fair that I have suffered for so many years and he moved on so easily and happily and is still living the life I had imagined for us. I have had many lonely years due to my own emotional prison and don't know how to break the walls down. Needless to say I have avoided relationships as I didn't have much luck with the second one and am afraid that I will do the same thing if I get involved again. I tend to fall for men who don't want me or aren't available. I have terrible self esteem, have gained weight and my life has spiraled. I never imagined something so traumatic in my early 20s as a man who to me was my true love, my only love, my soulmate and my first everything would rock my world and devastate my life as it has but I see that there are many people besides me who have trouble moving on permanently. Maybe I am too sensitive, too weak, too messed up. It can really hold you back and mess up your life. I wish I had never met this man because I don't see any good that came out of it except years of pain. The love we shared for four and one half years were not worth the feelings of betrayal, rejection, loneliness and loss I have felt since. I haven't had the same kind of love with anyone every since and feel I never will.

(cont'd)...it sounds terrible to say but I used to wish I would have a brain injury so I would have no memories of my past...of him or the pain or anything. I used alcohol but that only temporarily numbed it, and now I use food as my drug of choice. I seriously wish there was a way to erase this chapter of my life from my memory permanently.

I had something to happen to me as a child and ive had it bother me ever scence I hve a lot of diffililty letting it go

To the guest who commented that she feels that she should never have met the love of her life. I feel the same way. You're not crazy, there's alot of bad men out there. Ten years ago I fell in love with who I thought was the most incredible man. He brought me roses for no reason and was so affectionate towards me. We never fought. I felt that we were just meant to be. We got engaged and then one month later he called me up and told me that we should take separate paths in life. Basically I had made a comment about his hobby of hunting and fishing that offended him. I didn't want my future children taking up the sport so he got really mad and felt we had different values. I really didn't like the idea of rifles etc. or killing anything for that matter. Anyhow, I brought this entirely on myself as I knew his hobby the first day I met him. I tried to change him and this was my first mistake. Nevertheless I fell in love with him and can't forget him. Ten years later, I am married with two children, however, the song "Mine" by Taylor Swift triggered my obsession with him. It's our story exactly except for the fact that he decided to dump me instead of telling me he would never leave me alone. I often wonder what our life would have been like. I recently found out he is married too and what hurts the most is that he was supposed to be mine but I screwed it up. I'm now married to a man who has no romantic bone in his body but is so loyal and has given me everything I could ask for. I love him deeply but it's a different kind of love. I walk around everyday feeling like a part of me is missing. If anything for revenge I would like to see my ex-fiance again just to show him that I made something of my life. I'm now 42 years old and everyday I wish that I had never met him. Memories can be like a prison. I often wonder if he thinks of me and has any regrets but then I think of how ruthless he was to dump me over the phone. I try and remind myself that monster that he really is, however, it's hard to let go of the good memories even though now I know they were all a lie. He was basically a modern day Casanova. Watch out for this type ladies! Thanks for your article. It's helpful to know there are others out there who are going through this too.

I found this article very interesting but it does not address my specific qualms. Maybe writing my thoughts down here will help and maybe someone out there will get back to me with a re-assuring few lines...I was married for 8 years, have two great kids but separated 3 years ago and am in a great relationship with a great woman with whom i now have a gorgeous son. My life is more complete, i am in a good job and feel very blessed. Unfortunately I am also an artist and being an artist makes me more sensitive and introspective. Equally unfortunate is the fact that my memory is very vivid and I mostly find myself re-living certain moments and instances from my past life, in my past house, every time i listen to certain songs. Not the romantic ones mind you but i associate certain music and songs with the time I first listened to them - i manage to re-build the picture of how we were, where I was, how my life was and maybe how it could have been. And I still feel saddened. I do not regret where I am today but maybe i am finding it hard letting go of the past for some reason which is still obscure...maybe after all it's normal to feel like this?

I disagree with the bulletpoint part entirely. If you're letting go of someone who hurt you; going back to speak to them is certainly not going to help. Maybe Im just a cynic with no heart after what was done to me. But hey

I was taken advantage of ( to say the least) in HS. For some reason I cannot let go of it. He hurt me , he ruined my life, he ruined my life at 14years old. I just want to forget about it and I can't. I have weekly nightmares and I wake up dwelling on the past and can't get back to sleep. I've had counseling.

I'm horrible at letting go of the past and getting over things. I'm pretty obsessive It took me up to five/six years to get over someone that I met once!

This was amazing! I referred to it and posted it during my radio show, Your Beautiful Child Radio. I hope everyone comes to read it in its entirety...

After a lifetime of unhealthy preoccupation with relationships, I have learned that establishing self reliance and a compassionate heart for others helps to balance the ups and downs of life. Its a life long task. Many people suffer from loss and it is not the loss that is so much the problem it is the attachment to the person or relationship that causes the inner suffering. If a person can learn to love but not identify with others there is freedom.

I too had a bad past, messy. I have a film of bad memories that constantly crop up and I cringe with remorse. I was overreactive and made impulsive decisions. I wanted too many things at the same time and unfortunately during the golden years of youth I was often mourning a lost love and unhappy.

I am looking at my past as the way that led me exactly to where I am now. Its not perfect but its not terrible either, I can list assets in my life now, things enjoy, most especially my freedom. I don't fully understand why there was so much ignorance and suffering. I don't have control over it anymore. While it is difficult to feel great in the present because of this past I do know I want to take full responsibility to insure my best days are today and ahead. I am guaranteed to make mistakes as it is a part of life but I must try to do better.

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend(ex) of three years and am finding it extremely difficult especially since we are still living together in a student flat with two other people. I cannot seem to let go of him even though it was my decision to break up. We both agreed that he was not in the tight mental head space for a commited relationship right now...but he has found someone else already who he considers to be very special. It hurts so much seeing him with someone else because I cannot seem to let go of him. I myself am trying to move on, and even though I am seeing someone else too; it's my way of trying to move on if that makes sense. Hopefuly these tips will help me move on.

My husband left me when I was four months pregnant and moved in with another girl, things where really bad for awhile between me and him but we ended up back together but I am having a hard time letting go of what he has done to me, I do want to put it all behind and be a happy family but Im not sure how.

Thank you. I have held on to fear from my past pain most of my life and now it has cost me. Because of my negative thoughts and always expecting the worse I have driven someone away from me that I never meant to upset in anyway shape or form. I have done this before in my life and never made the connection that it was my holding onto pains of the past that drove people away. This time was an eye opener due to the fact I hurt someone I had waited to find my whole life. I have to let go and learn from this so the loss was not in vain, and so that all will be as it is meant to be.

this artical was very helpful to me

My true love and i were together for 5 years. The feelings, emotions and intimacy were intense. We also argued and separated on numerous occasions. In the fourth year he made the decision to work away (FIFO), I was devastated, unhappy and desperate to see him when ever he was back which looking back must have felt like a burden at the same time. One weekend a friend and I drove 6 hours so I could spend a weekend with him. It was great until the last night he said I was unhappy and that we should finish. So we did. After that he kept contacting the friend to ask how I was coping etc but then wouldn't speak to me in public, he also found another partner soon after. It has been 10 years since we split up, he has had a few partners but none long term. He did make a few moves to try and I assume these were attempts to reconcile but I was angry and not receptive at all. I have had a couple of long term partners since and even got engaged (but it ended) but each and every relationship has felt wrong and my thoughts go back to him. I sometimes think that I am crazy for still thinking about him every day and my feelings not dying or receeding at all. I wonder if he feels the same. I wonder all the time about writing him a letter or telling him about my feelings and thoughts but the fear of rejection and number of years past prevents me. Yet I remain stuck in the same place. To help myself I read through all the letters I wrote (but didn't send) in the past explaining my hurt and anger. I also keep a note book of letters i write to him (again i dont' send) telling him of my feelings. Do I go there and tell him? I wish someone could tell me the answer or that a crystal ball could tell me what the future holds. I love him.

I thank you for this article and think this will really help people who have had issues in their past follow a specific check-list of how to deal with certain things and begin to forgive themselves and others. I do have a question, however. What if you have forgiven yourself and your mistakes, and have moved on to a happier better place in your life, and then you meet the man of your dreams and get married, only to realize, that HE is NOT ready to forgive you for your past or your mistakes, and constantly reminds you of it all, causing you to go back to that 'bad' place, reliving your bad memories every day of your life all over again? What do you do, when the person you love the most in the world, and who you know loves you too, feels that you lost your values along the way, and lost yourself, and that he cannot deal with the person you were temporarily before you met? How do you forgive yourself then? What do you do, when no matter what you say or do, he can't forgive you for slipping up and losing yourself when he never did, and he always stayed true to who he was. How do you convince someone who is a firm believer that those who slip and make mistakes, don't deserve a second chance because they let themselves lose their values and beliefs?

Guest 29 March 2011:

I find your article or your partner difficult to understand. Your past is your past and they did not know you then or what contributed to your situation at the time. We all have a past - good or bad. It is who you are now and the present that matters.

It sounds as if your past is quite an important issue to your partner so why may I ask is he in a relationship with you if this is the case. Surely he can't be Mr Perfect and have done absolutely nothing wrong in his life or made one simple mistake of any kind. He should be grateful that you have been open and honest with him.

Guest : May 5, 2010 7:43 AM
Hi I have been seeing a girl who was already in a relationship with a guy she met one year before. Their relationship wasn't doing great and I helped her during this phase. After one month the situation with her bf stayed the same and we began to develop a love relationship. She didn't leave her bf while we were together because she was in love with the 2 of us and she said she had to choose between us. 8 months passed before she finally chose her bf over me.

ETC.........

During the 3 months after she took her decision I also lost my job where my boss clearly said to me I was incompetent and not good enough to do the job.

I find it hard to look at me in the mirror knowing that i am a looser at everything i do and i can't stand it anymore... I wish I could have a second chance to change everything and I dont like what i am right now...



MY REPLY TO ^^^^^ (GUEST May 5, 2010 7:43 AM) :

IF YOU EVER READ THIS, HERE'S MY REPLY TO YOU,

SERIOUSLY, SHE'S A MORON WHO USED YOU AND DUMBED YOU, YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A LOSER FOR SOMEONE WHO NEVER LOVED YOU?? I BET 100% SHE DOESN'T EVEN LOVE HER "BF", IF AND WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU DONT GET "CONFUSED" AND YOU DONT NEED TO "CHOOSE" AS HE OR SHE WOULD BE YOUR #1 CHOICE WITHOUT THINKING!!! YOU ARE NOT A LOSER, DONT EVER CRY OVER SOMEONE WHO WOULD NEVER CRY OVER YOU!!

Maya.

I am in an 8 1/2 year relationship that I am struggling to let go of. He has been having an inappropriate relationship, an emotional affair, with another woman for 6 months and he tells me he stands by her, chooses her, is committed to her. I feel worthless and hurt so much over this but these two people only care about themselves. He gives me mixed messages about us and I get false hope which keeps me in this painful experience. I know that they will not stop calling and texting everyday all day. I guess I'm struggling with trying to understand how I can mean so little to him after all this time. I wish I could just pack my things and go. I feel like such a failure. I am 43 and alone. I devoted the last 8 years of my life to a person who treats me this way. Why does he feel it is ok to treat me this way? Why don't I matter?

Guest April 13 2011,
It is hard to let go of something I know but you appear to be the only one in this relationship that can give yourself the trust, respect and loyalty that you need. The pain will hurt for a while, it will ease with time, but you need to leave him and cut him off to show him what he is missing out on and don't accept him back because if he can not see what is wrong then any kind of relationship you have with him will be like this always. If you feel you have wasted 8 1/2 years then don't waste another second!! take care

just the diction in this article helped me so much. it helped start my mind on the right thought. ive been through alot and im the type of pereson to just push everything down, and move forward. but recently ill get random thoughts of my past pop up in my mind and scare me. and i realized my insecurities and failures of my past are taking the shape of an exploding volcano. this article relayed advice i should follow to cope with my downfalls and pain.
much obliged

This is presently the hardest thing to do and has set me into a deep depression. I lost my Father to cancer last year and he was an abusive alcoholic when we were growing up. When I married the man I loved in 1995, he did a few things that took away my trust but I realise now that I was comparing him to my Father which was wrong to do. When my Father was ill and dying, I forgave him everything and susequently forgave my ex and that in itself seemed to lift a curtain and I, for the first time, could see everything clearly. I am now filled with utter despair because I now see what we could have done to heal our wounds and move on as a married couple and now he has remarried (2010) and at 42 I am childless and single and constantly mourning what might have been. It's hard to let go of the past but even harder when you suddenly realise the past is not what you thought it was and could have been different. Some days I just wish it was all over or that I could wake up in 1996 (when I left my ex) and take people up on their offers of advice and actually LISTEN to what older people were saying to me. I have never known grief like this.

Agree and disagree. I was happily married and got cheated on and felt like everything was out of my control. I went through long divorce, dated around but knew deep down i was still harboring ill feelings in general towards Real relationships and women in general. I found myself only doing or shadowing what my ex did. If she dated I had to date..like a game.
I dated some crazy beautiful, weird, people just to tempt me and occupy my time to make myself feel a tiny better. I wish i would have at least taken time to work on my self but Im a guy and im not going to a shrink..sorry.
I then met a nice pretty woman, I tried to force myself to open up first month or so, and i may have been and part of that is just initial male excitement..but after a couple months I realized i had to tell her i still had issues and divroce wasn't complete... and then I felt bad, bc she was a good person and she had everything i would need to be better and really give myself a chance to start over. I just didn't really give her the time we both needed together or myself to explore that. I thought i did bc what can i say..im a man and we think, do things sometimes irratically..
I kept thinking..why am i not so in love by now? shes such a great person..and i have two kids..and i knew she would be wonderful with them. But i read an article about letting people go if you dont think its going to work out and not being selfish so i did. But now that i look back at everything..Im so regetting what i did. I should have not let her go. I was so focused on myself, my ex, my kids, and what little time i had left in spare moments, i hadn't' formed much of an emotional bond with her yet, so i thought well no overwhelming sparks or lightbulbs going off..so i told her to go be free and she would be better off. I was trying to be chivalrous in a way, but also not thinking deep down and just crossing it off the list bc i had to much going on and such little spare time and she wanted to spend time with me. How STUPID i feel now. I look back and out of all the women i dated since my seperation, divorce and in general..she never walked away from me (until i didn't give her a choice, she liked me for me..which the person my ex obviously never did think it was just comfort for her. and she was pretty bossy.
I thought I had given myself enough time to see if here was anything there with the great woman i let go of, but looking back on it..I did NOT. I was hardly there physically nor emotionally and i just looked at it as that woman, nice as she can be has been around for quite a while in and out of course..8-9 months but on and off. it being my fault we saw eachother not on a daily and sometimes weekly basis. When we were together I was half there and she was too after a while bc i had pushed and pulled her away. I dont even think we spent two days together in a row or even held hands more than twice? Funny how in the moment you see or hear something and think oh yeah i need to just cut it off or do that and you think by doing the right thing..its COMPLETE OPPOSITE. That woman with all my issues, and great qualities was wanting me even in my worst of times..i dont know many that would have put up with that to start with and that shows something I will prob never find again..I would give that woman 6 million chances if i could now..Stupid me, I just needed to stop, and think about her and me and thats it. and see no matter what you can't really give someone a chance unless you really do and that means, giving them your time whether you are unsure if you want to or not and you will forever never doubt yourself again. I see now in a way I could have used her to help me through everything even though I wouldn't have asked, but just occupying spending time with a person that was interested in me and liked me for me.. Ive reached out to her and I can only hope she doesn't hate me, and I would rather be with her than a gorgeous, or not great looking woman whom i was overcome with lust for bc that always fades. Devotion, Loyalty and Trust and building friendships together are whats key, and she always tried to relay that but I always thought i was right and knew what i was doing. Lesson learned guys. Women are intuitive and smart and dont let a good girl go even if your unsure, be a little selfish if you feel like it and tell her something to keep her around, bc you will figure it out just takes time.
Wish me luck, Im strong willed but also coward in this situation bc i know i hurt her.
But I deserve and she did too it, bc everyday i get stronger and see things more clearly. I should have kept in contact.

The article is fine but it does not help me, I have 30% of my lower right heart chamber is dead tissue. How do I deal with that, because now at this point in my life it has been this way for over 6 years, And I have been kicked off of disability, so now I can no longer afford the medications I need to keep my heart stable. So am I a victom of the beurocratic death squads I am hearing about. Who do I trust anymore.

Apologized to a friend for a mistake he caused and I got angry with. He took the opportunity to blame me for everything since I said sorry. Not to mention he claimed he was justified in gossiping behind my back. And it showed his true colors. He was very selfish, immature, irresponsible, and full of himself. He's in God's hands now since I did my part for the lord, but sometimes it is hard to let go on what he did because I trusted him. He poisoned me twice. But he ain't never going to get a third strike on me. He ain't kicking me ever again because I got up and I truly won!

Really ... i dont Knw how to ExpreSs wht am FeelinG But i trieD so Many times NevEr Let it Go,
i GueSs am now Ready for thiS Step i Gonna Let Go all of My BaD ChoiSes,My BaD DeSsions and The ThinGs i had to Do w Didnt Do for So LonG !!
<3 Amazing ArtiCal ;) <3

This artical is helpful. I am happy to see some similarities with freinds who have commented here. But mine is different. I broke my relationship with a girl I loved so much, before 3 years and then I started forgetting everything that happened. I changed my place, office and even friends. I've been thinking that I forgot everything. But now I realize that I cultivated the habit of not trusting anyone, not interested in any close relationship etc. When I look back I feel that I am just living like a machine, just working, ofcouse go out with friends, but I have not shown any interest in building any strong relationship. That was the last close relationship I had. Now I need people, but I feel I cant do that anymore. Any suggestions?

Woo! This is great - I can't believe how much this helped me. I know this is an older article, but the message is truly timeless. As I have been going through a little bump in my journey I've been searching out articles and quotes that will help. This article and this quote that I found has helped so much. "My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me." -Steve Maraboli Thank you!

I understand everything in this article, but it's hard to put it into effect instantly, as I'm sure many other people have found.
Venting time:
My story is comparatively short, though to each their own importance. A 2 year long relationship ending when my now ex-partner decided that he 'didn't care in the right way', 'didn't love me enough' and 'it was better in the short-term pain, than the long-term'. Neither of these reasons truely make sense to me, and I guess I'll always have my own logic and arguments against them. He left me during a very stressful period of my life, with large decisions and problems about my future impacting me that week. And unfortunately, for some reason or other, I must've put too much onto him, thinking he could manage it, and help me as he always had before.
I need to simply let go of him; I'm over analyising his every move, I'm still clinging to him.
I want to be best friends again, and I realise any romantic interests at the moment would be disruptive and not valued.
And he seems to show me signs of still being in pain from the break up, and says he cares about me.
But he's still making himself act in a completely different mannor. He's trying to be someone I know he's not, and on some level, I think he knows this too.
I'm reacting as well as I can, but I feel guilty for still crying on my friends' shoulders three weeks on. Half of me says I need to be strong, and I know I will be, but the other half of me wants to just let it all out, and sob all the time. I feel exhausted throughout the day; some times so drained and headachey, I just sit in silence for a while. I wake up every morning after perhaps five or six hours sleep. I don't want to move on, just need to have time letting go. But he thinks he's at the stage of moving on (and doesn't seem to see that if he's still struggling with pain, he's not ready, and it's unfair to the other person who he potentially gets with, as he's using them as an escape)...
I've found many articles on these subjects, and while my head knows it all, it's so hard to make my heart see all this. Unfortunately, his position is the exact opposite; thinking with entirely his head, not his heart.
I know time will help, but time does not go quickly enough. I'm distracting myself as much as possible, but my work ethic is so low, and I get so drained in the day, physicaly and emotionally.
RAAAAAGH. I can't even get that truthfully angry at him, because he did it with the best of intentions, and wasn't mean, or cheating. I just worry about him, and he often acts angry towards me I think in order to try and get me to react, so it's easier for him to move on if I say horrible things. (see; there I go again, over-analysing)
It's the loss of a relationship, best friend, and a future which stings. I want him to be happy. I want to be there for him is he needs me. And I want to stop and treat this as a break, and to rebuild each of ourselves. But he's rushing in head-first, and is too stubborn to see the consequences of some of his actions.
The only thing I can personally suggest to anyone, is not to fight your feelings. They are a part of how you feel and don't ignore them. Don't well them up, and accept this is part of the grieving process-talk about them withfriends and family. Also, don't over-analyse or get stuck in the emotion of anger; ultimately, letting go is the main goal. Lastly; there is a future. It'll take time, but while the ones you had in mind may not be able to be fulfilled, be encouraged that new ones will take their places.
Similarly, I know it's a lot harder to tell your heart this, even though your mind knows it.

i think this article is soo right as to how we deal with things that we have bottled up inside of us

I have needed to let go for several years now.Almost a decade to be exact.Mostly because of failures and mistakes on my account.Saying i did not know better back then is not wrong certainly, but i can not help but think that i absolutely should have done otherwise.I have been in a miserable state for years, and as i did not know what to do, started simply isolating myself completely, from family, friends and other people who ever cared about me.That make me lose several of those people and friends.So basically by not knowing how to cope with my failures and mistakes i made another HUGE mistake.
Now i am lonely and prone to depressions too.The only thing that gives me some light are articles like this and martial art workouts.The articles help me to not forget that no hole is so deep that you can not crawl out again.The martial art workouts help me keep my mind, body and soul in balance and connected, plus the health aspect is a benefit.
But still, it all is only ever temporary and i can not stop dwelling in the past.Seeking professional help would mean that my failure is complete and that i lost it, and i can not do that.
I thought about moving away, far far away, for quite some time now. Since i am already a hermit in the "civilized" world i might as well be one in a "primitive" surrounding.
But the more i think about it, the more i become convinced that a more natural, spiritual environment may help my soul to heal and forget the past.
I am not talking about religion, but i thought about moving to some temples in Asia, China maybe, become a true adventurer and seek admittance into a temple that also still learn in the art of Kung Fu and other martial art and meditative schools.
Sometimes i think i was born in the wrong place at the wrong time.But my surrounding here is suffocating me, and that is certainly not helpful in trying to deal with your past mistakes, of which i made almost every available(in reasonable measures, i am not a rapist or murderer).

Anyway, thank you for the tips, i have read so many other articles on this issue and it helps to see that most of the tips always overlap.However, my problem with applying them is a totally different matter as i am far too estranged too much of all this by now, and the day that a few happy months, weeks or maybe even years somewhere else, somewhere nice, will outweigh the devil i know, i will pack my things and just begone over night.Im still young enough for such a thing, so i'll see.Either i get myself to do the things i know i need to, or i go.

I entered a relationship with the woman i thought was the most beautiful I had ever seen. I was very happy. The unfortunate thing is that we were both in unhappy relationships, or relationships that were ending. To make a long story short, shewas unfaithful to me, lied, was abusive, aggressive, lied about drugs, was abusive to her son, disrespectful, physically and emotionally manipulative and multiple times cheated. At the end of the relationship I was left bewildered and a mess and I made the mistake of valuing her highly and thinking I could solve her problems. And I identified my value in relation to her attraction to me. Reading your article, it's made me realize that one of the reason's that I haven't been able to seek closure and still suffer at the hands of the memory is that I haven't come to grips with my own part in all of this. the fact that I initially wasn't honest with my original partner about many things, dissatisfaction, and then my fidelity. I need to take responsibility for my own actions and not blame other people for my own misfortune. I have now attracted a new relationship, with an energy vampire, and these habits are playing out again. Thank you for sharing, I need to reexamine my own life and self-confidence.

I have been with my boyfriend (he is now my fiance) for 4 years however we spent 4 months apart, one of those months we were on/off. We got back together after that short time and realized how much we love and care for one another. I still struggle though, every single day, and its been a year, to forget that time because I was so hurtful and abusive towards him, I feel as though I had turned into a witch and he didn't deserve to be treated that way. I feel guilty, but he's forgiven me, but I also often think of the girlfriend he found to 'replace' me during that short time (which I seem unable to stop thinking about) because sometimes I just have so much anger about her. I wish I could let go of that period in mine and his life and just erase it from my memory. I think I am just afraid of becoming a bad and hurtful person again, although I know the right thing to do would be to understand why I was like that and to learn from that mistake. It is just so hard. Sometimes I feel sad because I don't really know anyone who can relate to my situation. I love him and we love eachother so much, I never want to be apart from him again and I want to let go of my past mistakes. Sometimes I hate myself for it and I have sleepless nights, its just something that still hurts and I want to be happy and healthy for him. I hope I can someday look back to this time and remember that all the guilt was learned from and think that I shouldn't have dwelled on such a thing.

I'm having a very hard time letting go of my ex wife,she has moved on but i cant and i don't know why.

every one did some mistakes in the past, I have no trouble to accept my weakness and understand i can not change the past. but my problem is sharing those ugly past with the person i love the most. in my culture men can not deal with some issues about their beloved one, he is not an exception. the guilt of keeping the past a secret and not sharing it because of judgmental behavior after finding out the truth about the past, some day will kill me! thinking about those action i did not suppose to do, and thinking about this is not, I am not what he deserve, makes me sad and sometimes i can not even bear my self... is there any one out there who can say something that makes me feel better? or help me and suggest something other than telling the truth to feel free of the guilt ( this really ruin him)? ( i really try to talk about the past but each time he really feel sick and miserable so i told some lies to cover up the hurtful truth and i am not proud of it but the way i felt and he felt made me do that. and i really believe i did those mistakes when i never think someday there will be a man whom i love and who loves me, and i really did not do anything to hurt him since we were together) please help me.

This article was very helpful. Thank you Laurie!

i was 14 he was 33 when we met in 1980,dated 4 years,then i married him at 18 ,hes was 38 in 1984 we stayed married for 23 years, and now have 4 years of divorce im 46 hes 65 and we both look pretty good inside and out, any ways he destroyed me horribly. he had narcisstict in him i never knew until the last 5 years of our marriage. it was good so i thought,until i started to notice him changing for the worst.he started disrespecting me letting our son disrespect me etc,etc. he became distant ,secretive about his job , played mind games with me ,blame me for everything, tells me i was seeing and hearing things ,he would humiliate me in front of people he would tell me we would do this or what ever it may have been and then he would deny saying it, telling me i was making up stories again,he has done everything he said he never would do. there is much more to mention but it will become a lifetime movie if i tell all. it was just awful, hurtful, he ripped my heart out.i had to change my life over night. he was all i knew i grew up with this person and then he spit me out like a piece of crap..it is a pain i never felt in my entire life. it feels scarry, i feel lost , angry i dint know what to do no one came forward to offer there support no one! he was telling everyone lies about me that ended up in me losing freinds and family who just simply ignored me. why did he pick me to destroy? i was a good wife i kept our home clean i did my wife duties and raised our son the best i could.i dont understand we did a whole lot together as husband and wife he showed no sign of boredom or anyhting then one day he just changed...like jeckyl and hyde. to this day he acts like it was all my fault he has everyone believing him and took his bribes of money to stay away from me and not help me if i needed it..when i mention his name to any of my family, they will get this guilty look on there face and wont look at me in the face or they will change the subject really fast they refuse to hear my side of the story (the truth!) i try to tell them what he has done and they dont listen , they have taken his bribes and believe his lies , he believes his own lies, thats how good he is at lying and manipulating people. he has paid certain famiy members to pass on the word of me being the bad seed to other family members who dont even know whats going on... well they do now he pays others to do his dirty work and they all try to make me feel like im crazy, like im making up all these feelings and thoughts ...well im not crazy, i know what he trying to do and its not gona go down that way i journal every incident that, happens since 2005 and he knows that i know he just is making me the bad one when its him whose the bad seed. when he sees me he will go the other way in a hurry as if im going to do something to him. it still hurts alot after thinking he loved me all those years and it turne dout to be a game for him.i want to know why me? he put me on the bookshelf like an old book, and took in his grandchildren he was never close too until know and he totally kicked me to the curb not knowing why ? he ripped out my soul i still feel the pain i had to change my lifestyle overnight,i went from having everything to having to struggle to get my life back in order which is still unstable after 4 years of divorce. i feel lonely and lost i need reassurance i need to be independant i need to feel secure emotionaly financialy .and i need to hear that its going to be ok ...im dealing with all of this alone for the past 7 years, sometimes i do feel as if im going to break down but im not i refuse to go out that way and give him the satisfaction. thnx from phoenix,az

I experienced an online relationship that shook my whole world, I fell so head over heels for this guy. we talked about relationship and marriage and family and every time it was time to meet it was always something that came up that prevented us from meeting, we lived 7hrs away and he would travel all over the country to paris, japan etc because the travel was business related but for some reason he could not manage to come and see me, money wasnt an issue but it was always a strain for him, he said he didnt want a long distance relationship but he still led me on to believe that it was possible although he never hardly called me, it was always a big ordeal for him to call, he still pumped me full of high hopes by talking about family, he painted himself to be this family man and told me how much he loved me and I fell for it, this went on for almost a year and then he started seeing someone else for seven months and stop contacting me, I was so hurt but when things started going sour with them he contacted me again and like a fool I started talking to him again, once again I fell under his spell and he hurt me so bad, this is the longest Ive been hurt over someone and I felt even bitter about everything, feeling stupid for letting him bamboozle me but then I think about it and it helps me feel better about him not sleeping with me and doing this. What I think im so frustrated about is that after all the time I spent (countless hours) on the text and yahoo messenger sharing feelings and getting closer, he still didnt have the decency to meet me just to say hi or anything. He hurt me and I am just starting to learn how to let go. Its an everyday battle but I cant wait til the day when it is completely over and I hear his name and I say "who's that" lol and the thought of him dont move me one way or another. Man I will be so glad when that day arrives!!! It still hurts!