Emotional cheating starts when couples misunderstand the fundamental rules of marriage, says Gary Neuman in Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid it. Here are the six common mistakes that lead to lack of intimacy in a marriage, and affairs of the heart.
Neuman states that communication is not the problem (communicating often and honestly is often stated as the best way to build a successful marriage), and says that emotional cheating is caused by wasted emotional energy.
Emotional cheating is:
- Flirting "harmlessly" with people of the opposite sex.
- Having lunch or drinks after work with members of the opposite sex.
- Discussing your work problems thoroughly at work, leaving nothing to talk about with your spouse.
- Sharing jokes and gossip with colleagues or friends of the opposite sex, not with your partner.
- Spending as much time buying the right gift for a colleague of the opposite sex as you do for your spouse.
- Sharing intimate issues with people other than your partner.
"When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does," writes Neuman in Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid it. "An emotional affair can be just as dangerous to a marriage [as a sexual affair], and often a more complicated situation to remedy."
Six Mistakes That Lead Emotional Infidelity
- Couples spend too much emotional energy on people outside their marriage: friends, siblings, parents, and even children.
- Couples keep an emotional distance (fear of intimacy may exist) because they don't want to need their partners too much.
- Couples step on one another's toes, not sure who is responsible for what.
- Couples don't consider how their past affects their current relationship.
- Couples don't make time for marriage or making love.
- Couples no longer focus on their partnership after children are born.
"If you change the way you relate to your spouse, then you are concretely changing the relationship," says Gary Neuman. You can reduce the likelihood of emotional cheating or emotional affairs by focusing on building a strong marriage.
Neuman's 10 Secrets to a Strong Marriage
- Avoid friendships with members of the opposite sex.
- Foster codependence (need for one another).
- Have clear, realistic goals and a specific plan.
- Define your roles.
- Put your marriage before your kids, jobs, and anything else.
- Appreciate your partner, don't just tolerate him or her.
- Understand the connection between your childhood and your marriage.
- Share your deepest, most vulnerable self during intimate moments (deal with your fear of intimacy).
- Accept the many stages of love in a marriage or partnership.
- Focus your energy on building a strong marriage (and you'll have no energy for emotional cheating).
If you found How Emotional Cheating Starts helpful, try:
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.
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