Existential psychology includes self-examination and insight -- which includes losing and finding yourself again. It's easy to lose yourself in the demands of children, marriage, career, or elderly parents. Taking care of them becomes more important than taking care of yourself – because they sqawk louder than you do!
Women especially tend to nurture and caretake at the expense of their own souls.
It’s insidious and gradual, this losing of self. Just a speck at a time and suddenly there’s fuzzy grey matter where your self used to be, sort of like your sock gradually thinning until there’s a hole where your heel once rested. A speck at a time, you could lose your self. It’s relatively easy to detect and even prevent the formation of a hole in your sock, but how, exactly, do you recognize and hold on to the specks of your self? Let's start with the end result – the loss of your self-identity – and work our way to the beginning.
“The greatest danger, that of losing one’s own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. is sure to be noticed.” Soren Kierkegaard.
Losing Your Self-Identity
My greatest fear in my marriage is being In Charge of the House. To me, this means knowing where everything is all the time, from the milk to the Murphy’s Oil. It means taking over the laundry, cooking, groceries, dusting and wiping tables counters stovetops sinks bathtubs. It means organizing meals when I’m not around at dinnertime, or at least making food suggestions. It means making sure we don’t run out of oatmeal, chocolate chips, flour, or oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I’ve drawn the line at making my husband’s dentist or doctor appointments, taking “his” cat to the vet for annual checkups, and ironing anything.
I want to be in charge of fulfilling my dreams, not the filling the fridge.
Many mothers and grandmothers take complete, full-time care of their homes, husbands and grown children – and have done so for decades. Did they succeed in fulfilling their girlhood dreams – and if so, bravo! – or did they quietly drift into their lives, not realizing they could be losing themselves speck by speck?
Kierkegaard’s belief that our selves “pass off quietly as if it were nothing” makes sense because it’s difficult to recognize loss when it occurs just a speck at a time. For instance, after dinner the other night I rinsed my plate while my husband left his dishes on the counter and wandered away. Off to bed I went, feeling guilty and immature for not clearing up his mess. I don't know if I agree with him (it was petty of me) or if I think it was a speck well worth guarding because the more I clean up after him the more we’ll both come to expect it and the more me disappears speck by speck.
Finding Yourself Again
If we lose our selves speck by speck (loss of self-identity), then can’t we rediscover our selves speck by speck? I believe the technical term is respecking your self; I also believe the “inconsequential” (petty?) actions gather strength and power, enough to thrust you into exciting adventures! Respecking your self involves discovering what you really think, and then – when you’re ready – sharing it with your colleague, friend, spouse, child, or parent. It’s realizing that instead of working you’d rather be reading dancing gardening running daydreaming swimming – and doing it even just for half an hour.
It’s heeding what you already know: what you want to do, how you want your life to be, who you are, and with whom you want to spend your time…and speck by speck creating, saving, recreating and just plain being your self.
It’s decided, then. I’ll let my hubby take care of his dishes, and I’ll take care of the specks of my self.
To learn more about existential psychology and self-identity, read Figuring Out Who You Are.
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.
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