Creating emotional intimacy when you're in love takes time and effort, especially if you've been hurt in the past.
When you’re truly intimate with your partner you can talk about who you really are, say what you need and want, and be heard by him/her. Emotionally intimate relationships have a sense of mutuality, which means you’re as concerned with your partner’s satisfaction and happiness as with your own. You want to see your partner emotionally, intellectually, socially, physically and professionally fulfilled. Creating intimacy doesn't mean you'll make all that happen, of course, but your partner’s satisfaction is equally important to you.
Fear of intimacy becomes less of an issue when you're building intimacy.
When you’re truly intimate, you don’t feel alone or isolated. Even when you’re single, separated, or divorced, you can experience intimacy! Friendships and family relationships are open to intimacy - or closed to it, as the case may be. Intimacy isn’t just about sex, though sex is a big part of it in partnerships.
Intimacy is the freedom to be yourself. Creating emotional intimacy is expressing yourself more and more in your relationship.
Emotionally intimate relationships are risky for several reasons (which is why some people are afraid of intimacy). When you're trying to create intimacy, you could be:
- Misunderstood
- Rejected
- Ridiculed
- Faced with the fact that you're with the wrong person
Building intimacy is difficult when fear of intimacy exists.
Signs of Fear of Intimacy
How do you know if you have a fear of intimacy? Possible indicators include:
- reluctance to share thoughts and feelings with your lover or spouse.
- refusal to talk about personal or even superficial events with your friends or family. These discussions go a long way in building intimacy.
- prolonged singlehood – for several years, and yet you wish for a relationship. You want to be involved but have a hard time building intimacy.
- multiple dates or sexual partners, with no emotional ties.
- affairs or one-night stands, with no chance of building intimacy
- few or no close friends
The bottom line is that you don’t let people in. Fear of intimacy is keeping people out.
How to Create Emotional Intimacy in Love Relationships
In healthy intimate relationships, you won’t lose yourself. Your personality and self won’t melt into your lover’s or friend's when you're building intimacy. Rather, you’ll share yourself and learn about your partner's complexities. When you're building intimacy you’ll learn so much more about both you and her/him. Your self will be nourished.
If you're concerned about a fear of intimacy, know that overcoming fear of intimacy is possible, especially with the following suggestions.
Creating emotional intimacy involves:
- Acceptance. Both you and your partner need to feel accepted. Learn to share your true thoughts about another’s actions and opinions without judging or condemning them. Building intimacy is about acceptance of yourself and others.
- Surrendering. Come out from behind your walls; put down the armor. Building intimacy is about stepping forward and being known.
- Taking risks. Start small when you're building intimacy. Share your feelings about work, traffic, the weather, sports -- superficial stuff. If that works (you feel uncomfortable but accepted), start talking about the big stuff like resentment, fear of intimacy, or even abuse.
- Participation. When your partner shares feelings, discuss them. Avoid emotional distance by asking a few questions, and listen to the answers. Open up on the same level, to the same degree if possible. This will go a long way in building intimacy.
Sometimes building intimacy and learning to love in adulthood involves resolving childhood issues. If you have stuff leftover from your past that's causing fear of intimacy, it may be wise to deal with it so you don’t drag it into your current relationships.
If you found Creating Emotional Intimacy in Relationships helpful, you may be interested in Love Articles About Making Up and Breaking Up.
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.
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