Fear of Intimacy - Relationship Psychology

Hi

I am currently engaged and have alot of insecurity issues that is both destorying me and my relationship. The insecurities stem from a different things but mainly because my fiance cheated on me before we got engaged. He also cheated on his ex fiance.

These insecurities are causing major behavioural and drepression problems that i cant seem to shake. If you have any suggestions or ideas please let me know. there is more to my story but not sure how much i am suppose to post.
thanks

Thanks for sharing your insecurities, juicygumdrops! You can post as much or as little as you like.
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I think you're right to be insecure with your fiance, because unless something significant has changed with him, he may end up cheating on you too. Can you go through premarital counseling together? There's never any guarantees that marriages will stay strong, but at least you can talk through why it happened in the past and protect yourself from it happening in the future. I'd involve an objective third party (mentor, pastor, counselor, therapist) and listen to their take on your fiance.
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Don't ignore your gut feelings. They're right 99% of the time.....and you don't want to be one of those women who knew all along that something wasn't quite right.

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Once again, Laurie, you have come through with an excellent subject for thought.
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After 76 years of living and long since having broken through the barriers set up by a life of expectations that may or may not have been <i>good</i>. :)
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Intimacy can teach us much more about who it is that we are rather than who it is the other person might be. But, if we are to grow to our fullest potential, a good and loving relationship that allow intimacy--no matter what--is the way to go.
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At least, that's what I think.
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Intimacy requires trust. How does anyone know whether they can trust another person?
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In juicygumdrops' case, her fiance may not be giving her reason to trust him. Or she's terribly insecure. I guess only she can figure out the truth.

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There is so much confusion out there.
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When we are taught rules of behavior we often forgo any search for deeper knowledge.
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The main point of intimacy--it appears to me--is that we get to develop knowledge about our own self even more so than we develop knowledge about the other.
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Can I be me in the presence of an other person? If I am me in your presence, how does that impact on me?
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Please help!!

I have been dating this guy since Jan 25th who explained when we met that he was extremely introverted.

In the beginning, we had a great time. We went out dancing at STL's big Mardi Gras celebration (lots of people around). We had fun drinking water in his apartment with no media entertaining us. we saw movies on friday and read books in bed on sunday.... We had fun... slowly he began revealing facts about himself... i crave to know more but know i have to allow him to unfurl.

essentially, the first month was great. he writes a list of the 80 things he likes about me.. they include that,

we compete together and always win against our adversaries.. we have similar interests and styles.. he says that he likes that we can have a conversation where all he has to do is nod... with this list of 80 things, he buys me a pillow that i love and i tear up a bit thinking how lucky i am to have found this kind, beautiful guy....

we have sex and he says, 'sex with you is the best'----that's the first and only compliment(?) he gives me verbally.

the next six weeks, he began withdrawing.. big time. three weeks ago he told me he can only see me twice a week... friday he stood me up at my friends' performance that i gave him a week's notice of.. saturday we went for a long walk (that killed my feet--the picture below is of my feet all bandaged up from having 4 morton's neuromas removed this morning)... anyway, he and i went on a long walk saturday--he made NO motion to apologize for missing my friends' show... i let it go--i realize i set up expectations that he could not meet and that i effectively hurt myself. i feel this way and thus spend the two hours walking around (in pain, but not revealing the state of my injury) trying to have pleasant conversation.

he made one comment that i didn't extract from him---he said, 'well it's nice that it's becoming spring'... i probed why he felt that way, 'i don't know, i guess b/c it's getting warmer.' ok, i reply, and i ask what else does he like about spring... he tells me he doesn't know and asks what i like. i tell him 'late spring strawberries'.. he says, 'is that what you are all about?'... 'no i reply, it's just something i like about spring..'

clearly our great fun relationship has soured....

he made NO attempt to touch my face or body in all the time we were together. twice, i tried to grasp his hand and it went rigid.

since then i have text messaged and emailed b/c what i read ab

I'm sorry to say this -- but I suspect you already already know it -- he may not be into a relationship.

You need to objectively assess what you're looking for in a relationship, and then decide if he's the one for you. Decide on who you want in your life (think caring, compassionate, funny, warm, loving, giving, interested in trying, a good communicator, similar life goals, same spiritual beliefs, and whatever else is important to you).

Once you have your objective list of what you're looking for, compare this guy to your list. Does he fit? Don't base your decision on his being new to the city or that he's in a bad financial situation. He's a grown man, and your job isn't to save him.

I wish you all the best, and invite you to tell me what you've decided!

Laurie

I don't want to 'save' him... Certainly, financially I can't---

But, I don't want to walk out on him.

It's only been a short while that we've dated... but he's had such a rough go at life. Doesn't know his dad, mom had him at 16... joined the navy at 18, joined the police academy, left and went to college... got into editing sound and video---> moved to stl for a job at an ad firm.

Has 1 friend that I know of and is in his cell phone.

Do you have any knowledge of/experience with introverts... those that are diagnosed depressed..?

My only explanation for why he has become so radically different than he was the first five weeks is that he is off his anti-depressant. He was so absolutely kind and considerate... then, one day he just stopped being awesome.

He fit my list of the qualities I wanted in a partner. He was actually the first guy I've dated that I referred to as my partner and not my boytoy, boyfriend, lover, hero, or whatever other title I'd affix to a relationship that wasn't great.

The only thing that didn't match was he's an atheist and I am trying to be agnostic... but probably lean towards being an atheist 45% of the time.

Yes, I need to assess what I want... that is why I pulled away... but I am upset b/c I don't think it makes any difference. He made no attempt to stop me from walking out of his life.

With him being an atheist with no strong relationship foundation role-model.... my one fear about us---that he would not care if i were around or not, came true.

and the reason I'm flummoxed about what I should do is because I care about him and worry that he's in a bad place with no support system.

It might have been a short relationship, but I didn't want it to be... yet, I walked out.

Sometimes people change when they're not motivated to be a certain way. Maybe it's the antidepressants that you mentioned, maybe he's feeling things differently. Only he knows -- and maybe he himself doesn't have a clear picture of what's going on.

The thing with introverts and depressed feelings -- or just introverts or just people who are depressed -- is that it depends on who they are as people. I don't think there's a blanket statement or diagnosis that covers all introverts and depressed people, you know? There are things going on that aren't evident in this discussion, which makes it impossible to generalize about introverts and depression.

You feel bad for him, yet you know the relationship may not be good for you. You're taking care of yourself (by breaking it off), and you want to help him. It's a tough spot to be in, and you need to objectively decide what's best for you first.

Is there a way you can do both? Be a friend to him, and not let yourself get too intimately involved?

Hi, not sure if it's me or my partner. we have been together 6 years on friday. he has two boys aged 7 -9 I have a daughter 17yrs. we lived together when we first meet for 2yrs then we lived apart, family issues.(he got boys full time no problem)

I am a person that does not like people all over me, I hug but little, sex is great heavenly great. for both of us. I/we have had counciling didnt work. i kept blaming me, he keeps moaning that i don't come to bed when he would like me to,(Iam a night owl)love nights.
he wants sex morning noon and night if I let him. but I don't. sometime I'm at my house alone and he thinks I am avoiding him sexually. but I'm not. I justwant some of my time, is that wrong? Not sure why i have a fearof intimacy I know sometimes I do, but why. I love sleeping and hate getting woken up or even waking up sleeping to me a a wonderful world between awake and asleep, sex is great with him, He say he wants more from me, hugs cuddle lay with him in bed,(well I know where that would lead)he want me to be more into him as he puts it But I'm me and that's not me never has been me. he says he loves me ??

Yearning for advice:

I am engaged to someone I feel I don't know. I worked with him for a couple of years, he was married at the time. He became divorced and we started seeing one another 1.5 years after his divorce. We had a very short dating period before he moved out of state. We dated long distance for a while then I moved to live with him after we got engaged. Since I have been living with him, I have become aware of being lied to about a variety of things: girls he was talking to, and random things that mostly revolve around the opposite sex, that seem harmless but still lies about? He also lies about things that he knows I would like him to do or personal business he needs to take care of but has delayed in doing them. These things have caused me to lose trust. Integrity and character are far more important to me than any other traits in a man. He is introverted towards me and does not have many (1) friends that he keeps up with. Until we were engaged he was keeping up with multiple woman he called friends. He is closed off, doesn't freely open up about anything on an intimate level, nothing. He doesn't open up about anything that relates to our relationship and if I want to know something/anything..his day...I always have to ask, pick for information. It is emotionally draining. This behavior is also displayed in our physical relationship. He does not initiate physical contact. The trust issue has caused arguments and often he talks in circles and back peddles which puts more distance between us. But, since the moment I have been living with him, we sleep on opposite sides of the bed. I cry at times because I know he masturbates weekly, yet he won't touch me. I am at a loss of understanding his introverted personality. He views my concerns as criticizing him. I would like him to take a look at his behavior, the introvertedness, being secretive and lying at any level as the red flag concerns they are. Instead of talking and taking an assertive approach to resolution, he sulks and becomes more closed off. I crave for a man's touch and assertive nature. I have a calm and kind nature, but this relationship has me so frustrated I yell when we argue. I seem to always be the communicator and decide things because he doesn't, even things as little as what leisure activities we want to do during free time. I feel like I am trying to peel life out of a rock. I recently postponed wedding planning because I know we need resolution. Help!

hi i've been in a relationship for 1 year...and ive cheated on my girlfriend numerous times. now i dont want to cheat anymore and i havent been but now i feel so insecure about her shes never given me a reason to doubt her but i dont. plz help......

Good for you for postponing the wedding.......If you're engaged to someone you feel you don't know, then it's time to call off the engagement!! Marriage is difficult even when you know and love your partner deeply -- and if you're having problems before you get married, then you HAVE to resolve them before you go forward with the wedding.

How are you resolving your problems?

I guess you're worried your girlfriend will cheat because you yourself have cheated in the past. You're projecting your feelings onto her. You have to trust yourself, and trust her, and work on building a strong, healthy relationship. How? By talking about your feelings, and learning about what love and trust really means by talking to wise people and reading good books.

Sometimes couples counseling helps, too.

Dr. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen:
I came across this site after attending a counseling session today. I am married, and have cheated twice on my wife. She caught me, I lied about it, and then lied some more. She caught me in more lies. Our marriage hangs by a thread, and she assumes (I cannot blame her) that I have left out other affairs, other lies. I strayed less than two years ago, and did it two ways: physically (with one woman, with whom I did not share many thoughts or feelings) and emotionally (with another, with whom I never slept but revealed much about myself). This went on for 18 months.

I am convinced I can change my character, to expunge whatever is in me that makes me lie and cheat. She is not sure, but is willing to let me try. She also wants me to apologize for specific indiscretions that I inflicted on her. This is not easy, because it forces me to admit that I have been lacking as a husband and dad. I have created the illusion among friends and acquaintances that I am a good husband and parent. Now, I am having to reassess my life, and the wrong turns I've made. No less than our future together turns on this. And I have no guarantee that she will decide to go forward with our lives together. It is frightening.
I am working hard to make these corrections. As I said, I am in counseling, which brings up some old issues going back to childhood and, I guess, a fear of intimacy. I've also found another man to whom I am accountable; we meet once a week to compare notes on what we have said and done. I have altered my schedule to spend more time at home. She has cell phone, credit card and bank records. I am attentive and loving, when she allows it. When she fusses at me, I take it (This is not easy; I shy away from such confrontations.) I am doing this because I believe we can survive this, and, given time, perhaps even come out with a stronger union.
I need to make amends to her and make my life a better one. I guess I am asking you if this is impossible to do.

Yes, it's definitely possible to re-build your relationship -- but it'll take some serious commitment and hard work (as you're already seeing!). Is your wife in counseling with you? That would be very wise, for the two of you to see a therapist together. The counselor or therapist can help you figure out what the exact problems are, and how to deal with those problems.

Good luck - and don't lose hope. The fact that your wife is still with you means something!

Dr. Pawlik-Kienlen:

I am the person who wrote the Oct. 14 post about the two affairs, and my efforts to rebuild a relationship.

My wife has had counseling in the past about some childhood issues, which of course aren't related to me. She has attended a few sessions with me, at my counselor's suggestion, and says she will seek individual counseling if she feels that it's necessary. In the meantime, she has said, I need to look after my own counseling needs -- and to keep any counseling suggestions to myself. Fair enough.

We had a talk last night about past disappointments in our relationship, and I took some solace from that. If we'd had that talk a few years ago, we might not be in crisis now. This was a talk I initiated.

She will attend counseling sessions with me on occasion; this was the counselor's suggestion, and we agreed. At present, I am sure I need more therapy that she. I am the one who cheated, and when confronted, lied and lied.

Any thoughts, of course, are welcome.

Dr. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I am a wife and mother of one. I cheated while engaged and am now after 12 years of marrage have an emotional relationship attatchment to someone else. My husband hasn't met my needs I told him how he could I tell him everything I realize this is my problem. He has not made many attempts. However,the other person doesn't know how I feel the feelings are so that I feel I need to say but my husband says if I disclose my feelings we are divorced...I can't seem to move forward we are no longer able to communicate and I havent' even done anything. We are not even sleeping together and he keeps leaving we have gotten past verbal and he is now hitting walls and neither one of us wants to leave or feels we have a place to go. We had a miscarrage two years ago the same month he lost his job and we burried our family dog of 10 years our daughter was two at the time. I have been suggesting we do things to move forward and he didn't help me with doing anything on top of it all we worked together and that emotional relationship is with our boss. Biggest deal now he wants to do all the things I have been suggesting but I am so resentful and aggrevated about all this stuff were not doing and no one can seem to get us in for counciling before another month....struggling

My situation is very similiar to the Guest who wrote on Oct 14. I had two affairs; 22 years ago and 2 years ago. The first was brief, the second was more emotional and continued almost 2 years.

Since the second I have been in counseling and working with an Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA) counsler. Over the last year progress has been slow and my wife has been extremely patient. One of her key issues with me is my continued lack of responsiveness to situations where she needs my support. I know changing deep rooted behaviors is difficult and I get upset when I realize I "blew" another chance to show my wife she matters and that I get it.

My wife's patience is gone. She wants me to leave because she does not want to deal with the anger, hurt and frustration while I work to change old behaviors that are supposed to lead to a more intimate relationship and communications.

I may not be able to salvage this marriage, but for anyone reading this who recognizes they have intimacy issues, get help. Work hard at it; take chances, realize that the inner child may not be in the same environment as many years before.

This feels like an addication. I know what needs to change yet I feel more comfortable in this disfunctional life I've continued to foster and develop. It is sad and disappointing that after 32 years of marriage I will have to tell my childrenthat I cheated on their mother, and given the opportunity to correct things, I failed at that too.
Thanks for listening

Hi,

I am a 23 year old male and I have ongoing struggles in my everday relationship. Its not that my girlfiend is the struggle- it is me personally that is the problem. When I first met my girlfriend 2 years ago next month, I thought that she was by far the hottest thing walking but now that I am two years in I am fighting to belive this everyday. I look at her on some weeks and she is such a knock out and on other weeks I am like not attracted to her, this is very wierd. However there is alot more behind this. I am currently on 100 miliagrams of Zoloft and I do see a doctor. An string of heart breaking events have occured in my life-- My mom passed away 3 years ago, an ex-girlfiend of mine whom I had been dating for almost 4 years broke up with me, my grandfather passed away recently, I was in ICU after I totaled my car last year. All of these tragic events happened in the matter of 3 years--This lead to bad anxiety and the only thing positive in my life has been my girlfriend but I for some reason now matter how hard i try I cannot become intimate with her and I constantly have ongioing negative thoughts about her and it effects my everyday mood almost to the point that it takes over my mind. I am soo confused and need to fugure this out..--it hurts and all I want is to be happy with the person that loves me the most and this is my girlfriend.
Can anyone help me or have an idea of whats going on?

It sounds like there's alot going on here! First, you're grieving your losses, which definitely affects your intimacy levels, interest in your girlfriend and other aspects of life, and feelings of anxiety. Second, you're taking Zoloft, which is helpful, but can affect you physically and emotionally. Third, you've been in a relationship for 2 years -- and everyone struggles with not always being attracted to their partners! Even if you were with Catherine Zeta-Jones or whoever you think is the hottest chick in the world, you couldn't possibly think she's a knock out every minute of the day!

So, on the one hand, give yourself a break. You're dealing with alot of stuff. On the other hand, talk to your doctor or a counselor to get an objective opinion on your life and reactions. It's not possible to really know you or your situation in a forum like this - to get good help, you need to talk to someone in person.

Good luck - and do come back and give me an update!

Laurie

John Santore
Hi
I am feeling insecure in a relationship i am in right it is a constant fear of her leaving out of no where even though she will not she has reassured me even. I was hurt bad recently out of no where My girl freind of 2 yrs broke up with me an since then i have felt hurt and an angyr since and my curretn grilfreind has done nothing wrong an i want to stop feeling this way i wake up feeling it feeling vulnerable what do i do?

My husband has used things that I have opened up to him about as tools to hurt me when we argue. I have found myself completly shut off to him, have no desire for sex and resent him. He blames my negative attitude and inability to be happy on why I feel so depressed,and thinks I play the victim. But I have achieved a lot in my life even through hardships, I have never acted like a victim. I think I just feel lonely. Not sure what to do, I have small children and want to continue to raise them and not have to put them in Childcare.

John - first, you need to figure out why you're so afraid of her leaving you! Once you discover why you've got this fear of rejection, then it may be easier to deal with it....but locating the source of the problem is always the best first step.

Lady with the manipulative husband - he needs help! He sounds controlling, negative, and unhealthy - and he's spewing his toxins on you and your relationship (and your kids). I don't know if you can get him into individual or couple counseling, but that seems the best option.......unless he's open to hearing how he's making you feel? Some men are totally willing to change (and women, too) - but they need to be told what's going on. It's all about communication.

Hi,
I have a really hard time opening up to people in general, no matter who it is, a friend, family member, boyfriend. I really don't like people knowing about my weaknesses and how vulnerable I can be.I try to open up but I'm really afraid. I'm currently dating a guy and I don't want to mess it all up, as I have done in previous relationships, simply because I walk away. I freak out when I get too close to someone and walk away. It's maybe because I'm afraid of getting hurt, I don't really know. I question myself, and if I really like him or not, and I end up fooling myself into believing that I don't like him any more, just so I don't get so close.

I really want it to be different this time! I want to be able to have a real relationship with someone, not just a boyfriend but with friends as well.
Help please!!

Hi,
I have a really hard time opening up to people in general, no matter who it is, a friend, family member, boyfriend. I really don't like people knowing about my weaknesses and how vulnerable I can be.I try to open up but I'm really afraid. I'm currently dating a guy and I don't want to mess it all up, as I have done in previous relationships, simply because I walk away. I freak out when I get too close to someone and walk away. It's maybe because I'm afraid of getting hurt, I don't really know. I question myself, and if I really like him or not, and I end up fooling myself into believing that I don't like him any more, just so I don't get so close.
I really want it to be different this time! I want to be able to have a real relationship with someone, not just a boyfriend but with friends as well.
Help please!!

You have a lot of insight into your own fears and behaviors of pushing people away, which is GREAT.

I suggest telling your boyfriend what you've written here. My counselor taught me that a great way to build a healthy relationship is to talk about your relationship, how you communicate with each other, what you think about your relationship, etc.

The very act of sharing how scared you are of opening up and being vulnerable is a step towards overcoming fear of intimacy! Talk to your boyfriend about the possibility of being hurt by him. Talk about the worst thing that can happen if you share your true self and he leaves (and that's the worst thing that can happen, but sometimes broken relationships are the best thing that can happen!).

Think about this. Try it. Let me know what you think, and how it goes!

Hello,
I am 20 years old and still a virgin. I am an attractive female, and guys often chase me. Even if i initially like the guy (or think i like him) when i find he also is interested in me, i become scared and find whatever reason to no longer like him. I want a relationship and i want a sex life. I know the whole "you must love yourself before you can love anyone else" but even so, even when not talking about love, should i be scared and making up excuses to even get intimate?? The years have been passing by and my ultimate fear is that i will forever be this way. What do you think?

Here I go again.
I recently left a bad marriage of 19 years and am presently living with a "great guy" and plan on being married this summer. Long story short. I grew up in a 'very' disfunctional family. My dad ignored me and my mom was like living with Hitler. STRICT! There was no sense of love from either of them. I am 45 years old and this will be my 5th marriage. My insecurities are absolutely unreal and has ruined all my past marriages. Jealousy is 'over the top.' I'm jealous over women on t.v. and women we just pass. Not one of the men I've ever been with would have cheated on me. (except for my last husband) He had a girlfriend for 9 years before I decided to leave with our daughter. Now I am with a man who is absolutely wonderful and I'm falling back into the same ole ways. I don't want to lose him, but have been down this road before. Don't know if it's fear of intimacy, my upbringing, or if I'm bi-polar. Who knows? I'm not an ugly woman. People tell me I'm beautiful. I don't understand the root of the problem, how to control it or even what it is. Thought you may have some ideas. By the way... the man I'm with is as honest as the day is long. He's totaly committed to me and I do not think he would ever cheat on me which makes this even "more" confusing. Why am I so jealous or insecure or ... what is it?
Any input would be so helpful to me. Thanks :)

Only you can answer why you're so insecure and feel jealous so often! To find the answer, you'd have to look at your past relationships -- including your family and childhood relationships.

To prevent this jealousy from destroying your relationship, you need to consciously stop yourself from reacting in negative ways. You may be able to do this on your own, but I'd suggest talking to a counselor.

Good luck - and get real with yourself! The happier you are with who you are and where you're going in life, the less likely you'll be jealous and insecure.

Best wishes,
Laurie

I have been off and on with my boyfriend for three years and I am very concerned about him. We were off and on for about 2 years and on for the last year after he asked me to marry him. The main reasons we were off and on was because my boyfriend would tell me he was going to do something (like come over my house/take me out) and then stand me up with no explanation. Eventually he would come back and apologize for what he did and I would take him back. This was a recurring cycle that I protected myself from-my father was also not dependable. His mother died about a year into our relationship (and she was sick for most of it) and this made his flakyness a lot more severe.

To make a long story short I ended up leaving the town we both lived in and we started talking about what went wrong with us. He told me that he was trying to get happy again and also admitted to getting out of a four year relationship that broke his heart before we started dating. Most importantly, he admitted that he was trying to sabotage things with me because he was so afraid to get hurt. He opened up to me throughout this time and I appreciated it. His ability to open up and be honest about his fears and his insecurities gave me the confidence I needed in him to accept his proposal and make a deeper commitment to the relationship. Everything was fine for several months, but I started noticing evidence of his old ways. When I called him out, he was able to tell me that he was scared and that this was very hard for him. I see that he is trying and has come a long way (its not been about 2 years since his mother died) I feel like I can not accept these lapses in his behavior-no matter how much i love him.

I asked him to get therapy because I see him falling into the same patterns of standing me up or disappearing when we make explicit plans with each other and he says he thinks its going to make him seem weak. Its just that the stakes are higher now because we are even more emotionally involved with each other and intertwined in each others lives. I really think he needs to get help but I don't know how to get him to take action and stop sabotaging us. Whenever he does stand me up or disappear when we have plans he goes into a very deep depression and tells me he cant "face me" after hurting me. Its really not healthy for either one of us. Please help me in approaching this. He is an amazing man but the issues are crippling him and us.

I have been off and on with my boyfriend for three years and I am very concerned about him. We were off and on for about 2 years and on for the last year after he asked me to marry him. The main reasons we were off and on was because my boyfriend would tell me he was going to do something (like come over my house/take me out) and then stand me up with no explanation. Eventually he would come back and apologize for what he did and I would take him back. This was a recurring cycle that I protected myself from-my father was also not dependable. His mother died about a year into our relationship (and she was sick for most of it) and this made his flakyness a lot more severe.

To make a long story short I ended up leaving the town we both lived in and we started talking about what went wrong with us. He told me that he was trying to get happy again and also admitted to getting out of a four year relationship that broke his heart before we started dating. Most importantly, he admitted that he was trying to sabotage things with me because he was so afraid to get hurt. He opened up to me throughout this time and I appreciated it. His ability to open up and be honest about his fears and his insecurities gave me the confidence I needed in him to accept his proposal and make a deeper commitment to the relationship. Everything was fine for several months, but I started noticing evidence of his old ways. When I called him out, he was able to tell me that he was scared and that this was very hard for him. I see that he is trying and has come a long way (its not been about 2 years since his mother died) I feel like I can not accept these lapses in his behavior-no matter how much i love him.

I asked him to get therapy because I see him falling into the same patterns of standing me up or disappearing when we make explicit plans with each other and he says he thinks its going to make him seem weak. Its just that the stakes are higher now because we are even more emotionally involved with each other and intertwined in each others lives. I really think he needs to get help but I don't know how to get him to take action and stop sabotaging us. Whenever he does stand me up or disappear when we have plans he goes into a very deep depression and tells me he cant "face me" after hurting me. Its really not healthy for either one of us. Please help me in approaching this. He is an amazing man but the issues are crippling him and us.

It sounds like he's really struggling -- but you can't do anything to solve his problems. He really needs to find healthy ways to cope with his issues. You can support him as he works through his problems, but you can't do more than encourage him to get therapy and face his stuff head on.

If he won't get counseling, then you have to assume things will proceed as they are...which isn't great. He really needs to get his head on straight before he can be part of a healthy committed relationship -- and you may need to let him go until that happens.

Good luck, and best wishes,
Laurie

I'm probably gonna sound like an asshole, but I thought I'd give my 2 cents to the latest comment. You're more worried about what his problems could do to you. Not what they could do to him. Which is almost selfish, even if it isn't obvious.
2nd of all, why is he standing you up? Have you ever considered it might be you? I'm sure your thoughts go deeper than your actions, as his do. So he's probably thinking credibly about every time he stands you up. It's not some sort of emotional mistake. So it is his fault. You're acting as if he has reason to when emotional trauma does not give you the right to be traumatic. Especially not in a symbiotic relationship.
3rd of all, you're far too sympathetic. Sympathy has no place in any relationship (granted it's longterm). Sympathy only leads to self-pity that you are in this relationship that you can't leave because you are sympathetic. A vicious circle.
I have one last thing to say, before I sign off. I am not a medical doctor, but he sounds like a histrionic. He sounds like he's standing you up just for the drama and attention. Depression is closely related to histrionicism, and the fact that he went through a lot of trauma recently gave him a lot of attention. He probably enjoyed it, so now he may be subconsciously (or consciously) seeking it.
Now I realize I wrote a lot. But I figured if I was going to say anything, I mine as well be as formal and as proper as I can, considering this is someone's life. I don't expect you to follow my advice. Just remember you are born with a certain amount of seconds and you may choose how to spend them, so far you've spent 2 years with him. There are 31, 556 ,926 seconds in a year.

-Anonymous

I don't know how you can encourage 'authenticity'. No one cares how you feel. Expressing how you feel just makes the other person defensive, and they just want you happy and smiling.

Hi,
I'm a 33 year old mother of one.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost 11 years (he's the father of my baby)
We have had a lot of problems in that time, mainly due to me.
I tried to commit suicide when I was only 6-8 weeks pregnant, apparently that was due to my hormones.
I have suffered from severe depression since then, for which I have taken many pills.
We were never the same since then...I felt him drifting from me but I never gave up.
He cheated (on-line) over 2 years ago, finding love with someone else.
I forgave him.
I did the same (kinda, it was a guy I worked with, I had no intention of actually doing anything with him, I just craved attention, we only talked online)
Now, he's left me, a week ago today.
He says that he misses me and that he loves me, but I don't feel it.
I want to tell him that when he came to bed, I wanted to reach for him, hold him, but I can't...
My sex drive is below zero, you'd be lucky if we had had sex 14 times in the last 3 years...
We need help, he's coming to talk on Tuesday, and I can't watch him walk out the door again...
Please help.

Hi,
I'm a 33 year old mother of one.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost 11 years (he's the father of my baby)
We have had a lot of problems in that time, mainly due to me.
I tried to commit suicide when I was only 6-8 weeks pregnant, apparently that was due to my hormones.
I have suffered from severe depression since then, for which I have taken many pills.
We were never the same since then...I felt him drifting from me but I never gave up.
He cheated (on-line) over 2 years ago, finding love with someone else.
I forgave him.
I did the same (kinda, it was a guy I worked with, I had no intention of actually doing anything with him, I just craved attention, we only talked online)
Now, he's left me, a week ago today.
He says that he misses me and that he loves me, but I don't feel it.
I want to tell him that when he came to bed, I wanted to reach for him, hold him, but I can't...
My sex drive is below zero, you'd be lucky if we had had sex 14 times in the last 3 years...
We need help, he's coming to talk on Tuesday, and I can't watch him walk out the door again...
Please help.

It's a good sign that he's coming over to talk -- it seems like you both want your relationship to work, but you can't quite get it going!

I suggest you talk to your doctor, because such a low libido is not only unhealthy for your relationship, it's not good for your own personal health! Sometimes overcoming depression takes a long time of playing with medications and going to counseling -- it's not usually "cured" as soon as you take antidepressants.

To fix your relationship, you may need to tackle your mental and emotional health. Our relationships can be destroyed or strengthened by our own state of mind.....so I encourage you to consider new and different ways to deal with your depression.

I hope this helps. Good luck on Tuesday! Call a help line if you can't get through to your doctor soon enough.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Hi Laurie,
I am absolutely petrified of intimacy, relationships, sex etc...
I have never been in a relationship, pursued one wholly or being fully intimate with anyone.
I'm not really one hundred percent sure why this has happened, my brother and sister are both in relationships, my parents are still married and I have many friends who are in healthy relationships.
I have recently noticed that my self confidence and happiness has taken a real battering, I no longer feel even slightly attractive, I only weigh 55 kg but I feel weighty and ugly in my clothes. I remember when I was younger I told a boy I liked him and he said I would have to buy him and his friends presents before he would even think of going out with me. In high-school I was asked out by a boy but later found out it was a joke between him and his friends. Since than any advance made by anyone I have answered no too, simply because I feel like they are trying to trick me.
My friends think I am sexually repressed because when I am drunk I am the opposite of all of the above.
I've looked at your advice and I am going to try and take it on board, but what about self-confidence, getting into the dating game for the first time...etc for someone who is ABSOLUTELY petrified?
Thankyou.

Our relationship was good - full of caring, love and fun, but I could always tell that he was holding part of himself back from me. We talked a lot about it, and he was very honest in saying that he really had a hard time becoming vulnerable and completely opening himself up. I understood that basic feeling, because I think we all feel it at some point, however, I think that most of us move past it as the relationship moves forward. He never did and our relationship reached the point where we just weren't moving forward anymore. We took a break for a week to figure things out and he came back to me saying he had spent a lot of time reading and researching how he felt and that his fear of opening up to me was a much deeper issue and he couldn't just sweep it under the rug anymore. If he did, our relationship would always just be so-so, never the deep relationship we both wanted. He said that he wanted to get help so that he could one day have the kind of loving and close relationship that we both wanted and he has made strides to do that - he is seeing a counselor currently. He's frustrated because he wants to take a pill or sit in the counselor's office for the next few weeks until he gets it fixed - he feels that the process is just moving so slowly.

I think I understand where his fear of intimacy comes from - he was sent to an all-boys boarding school when he was 6, his mom died when he was 21, his dad wasn't really ever a father-figure in his life, a relationship where the other girl cheated on him, etc. All these things have added up to make him how he is today. I understand and I'm very grateful that he is making strides to get the help he needs to move forward.

My question for you is what I should do in the meantime. I know that I have to do what is best for me and what makes me happy, but at this point, I'm not sure. I miss him all the time and I love him whole-heartedly. Our relationship was fantastic, although just missing the one vital piece of him being able to give himself up to me completely. I don't know I should wait for him, hoping he'll fix this and we can come back together, or whether to say goodbye. I'm curious if there is some type of a success rate for couples and people with these issues. I want so badly to wait for him and to help him, but I want to make sure that I shouldn't be running from the situation, that it won't most likely result in more pain down the road.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

First, let me commend both you and your boyfriend -- you're talking openly and honestly, and he's getting help for his intimacy issues! That's great, and it's an indication that your relationship could easily be a healthy, successful one. You can't help him the way he needs to be helped.

I understand his wanting a "quick fix" -- dealing with emotional issues is draining, time-consuming, and difficult. Counseling gets to the very heart of you and is difficult for anyone (especially men, who aren't usually as comfortable discussing their feelings). But, he probably already knows that there are no quick fixes for fear of intimacy...which is why he's getting help. He's a good man!

I don't know the stats for this type of relationship problem and how it ends (I suspect teasing out fear of intimacy as a cause of relationship breakdown would be difficult, as there's often several factors that drive couples apart - not just one). But, I do know that couples who are willing to work through their difficulties, who have a strong relationship otherwise, and who genuinely have fun together and respect one another are more likely to stick it out through the rough times.

I suggest giving him a certain amount of time (3 months? 6 months? it's up to you) to work on his issues by himself. It's not a deadline or an ultimatum -- it's just a waiting period. Take that 3 or 6 months and focus on your own life, your personal growth or hobbies or classes or vacations or lifestyle changes....just let him, yourself, and your relationship settle without the pressure of having to make a major life decision.

Then, after the time has lapsed, check in with both him and your own heart. Has anything changed? Do you need another 3 months, or can you make a decision? Trust yourself. You'll know when it's time to make the call...and it doesn't sound like the time is now.

This time period prevents you from waiting indefinitely, and gives you breathing space. At the end of your time, you may be ready to take the next step - whatever it may be.

Also -- dealing with fear of intimacy (and the related attachment issues) can be a lifelong process. Once he figures out the whys and hows, he'll need to re-learn how to relate to you. It takes practice and time -- and it'll no doubt involve backward steps every now and then. He's re-learning a whole new way of relating.

I hope this helps a little, & I look forward to an update!

All best,
Laurie

Hi laurie
Thanks for the article. My issue is i am ready to date my co-worker. I have fear of itimacy. I always seem to push guys away and make excuses. I have been sending hin mix signals b/c i have mixed emotions. I dont want to hurt him or get hurt. I know i must make a decision soon b/c he has been making stronger advances toward me. He has been nudging me to make a decision if we are going to date or not.. I am attractive to him. I think there are lot things that make us compatible and some that dont make us a great match.. With my fear of intimacy , he has already broken through some of my walls and barriers,We are friends and getting closer every day. I share intimate thoughts , and fears so i feel like if we date he would understand and be patient with my issue.. On the other hand , we are not good match b/c of 2 major issue 1) extremely differnt religious views 2) he goes out and drinks and hang out with friends every night- extremelty active and me i am not that active, one time every other month i go out with friends .. I am not sure if it is fear intimacy holding me back or the 2 major issue. How can i know.

That's a great (and difficult!) question: is it fear of intimacy or do you have legitimate questions about the relationship potential with this man?

One red flag is the fact that you're coworkers. If it doesn't work out, or if you deal with the normal relationship problems we usually face, then it makes it awkward on the job. Some experts recommend never, ever dating a coworker -- but, that said, it does work for some people.

He sounds more like an extrovert; he likes to spend lots of time with his friends. You sound more introverted...you prefer time alone, not out with friends all the time. While this can work in a relationship, it does take compromise, acceptance, and understanding. You need to decide if it's "worth it" to work on a relationship with him. Any relationship takes work, but some are much, much easier than others.

If you're having trouble trusting your instincts (about whether it's fear of intimacy or incompatibility issues) -- remember that you're not alone! This is a major decision for most people, whether they have a fear of intimacy or not. So, take comfort that it's not just you.

One of the best ways to determine if you're compatible is time. Don't let him push you into dating before you're ready! Take the time to carefully weight the pros and cons -- if he wasn't a coworker, it'd be easier. But the fact that you work with him makes it a more important decision.

I don't know if you're dealing with fear of intimacy or simply a healthy acknowledgment of reality.....but you can find out if it's fear of intimacy by figuring out why you're so afraid, accepting that you're going to get hurt no matter what (we ALL get hurt, even if we're 100% loved by our partners, families, and friends), and opening yourself up bit by bit to someone you trust.

Maybe an objective checklist would help: Would you be proud and happy to introduce him to your family and friends? Do you trust him? If things didn't work out, could you still work with him? Would you recommend that your sister or friend date him? Why is he out with his friends every night -- do you have the same relationship goals?

I'm running out of room to write, but I hope this has helped a little! And remember - there's no hurry to date him NOW. Go as slow as you need.

Best,
Laurie

Hi Laurie,
I am currently single, and have never really been in a solid relationship with a woman and want to, but I have this constant fear that Im going to be cheated on or be the one who will cheat on my partner. I don't know why this is. I want to be intimate with woman, have those moments and make her feel good, but there is this constant fear that has continuously cost me the opportunity to be with some great women and I have no clue what to do. At one point in my life my parents split up for 6 months and got back together, but I know they are still unhappy together. Im currently seeing a therapist for being emotionally abused by my mom (i know off topic, but thought it might add to why im afraid), but my therapist keeps on telling me to ask my dad if my mom cheated on him. My fear is my dad leaving again, but this fear of being cheated on is even greater. Any advice would be much appreciated
Thanks

I think it's great that you're seeing a therapist!

Though I can't offer psychological advice, I will encourage you to separate your childhood and feelings about your parents' separation from your own life.

Our parents and our childhoods affect who we are, but they don't have to dictate how we live. Whether or not your parents dealt with infidelity -- you need to learn to trust yourself, your partner, and your relationship. How? It doesn't happen overnight -- it's definitely a process.

One step is to realize that your parents' relationship has nothing to do with yours! You don't have to follow in your parent's footsteps!

Plus, you ARE strong enough to deal with whatever may happen in your future relationship or marriage. Often, the anticipation of events is far worse than the actual experience. I'm not saying broken intimacy is a walk in the park, but...the worst thing we can imagine rarely happens. And if/when it does, it's far easier to handle than we think.

Another important thing to remember is the "self-fulfillng prophecy" concept. We can actually create circumstances by expecting them to happen. So, if you expect your girlfriend or wife to cheat, you could act in ways that pushes her away...and voila. She may stray. It's so important to build your relationship on trust, intimacy, and faith -- or your foundation is too shaky.

I also suggest you follow your therapist's advice, and talk to your mom and dad about the possible infidelity. Talk to them about their marriage if possible (it may not be, but talking sure sheds light on issues and childhoods!).

You CAN overcome your fear of intimacy! You just have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and afraid -- and that discomfort and fear DOES go away.

Finally, remember that people who cheat often signal their weaknesses early in the relationship. Flirting with people, not wanting to make compromises -- there are many ways that people show they won't be great partners. You'll need to find the balance between trusting your gut and not letting fear run your life.

I hope this helped a little -- and I'm impressed that you're working on your issues! Feel the fear and do it anyway, my friend. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Do update me!

All best,
Laurie

Laurie,

2months after dating me and my current girlfriend starting going out. ive had bad experiences in the past with being cheated on. she says "Im not going anywhere", "i care about you a lot" and "I AM WITH YOU" when shes a bit angry because i stress quite a lot. I get jealous and angry when she speaks to other men and my own friends - anxiety kicks in when i see them laughing or shes ignoring me for them. We've been together including dating for 3months or so now and sometimes when we meet still do not hold hands an dwe only hug goodbye, thats it. We've done nothing in the bedroom department either. I also hate the fact that i know shes been with and done everything with other men..i find it hard to accept. I cant trust her even thought i seriously want to..shes told me to see someone about my anxiety but im worried she'll just get annoyed eventually and leave.

Any quick fix's here please?

No, there aren't any quick fixes, I'm sorry to say! And you're right: she may eventually get annoyed and leave.

Take her advice, and see someone about your anxiety levels and fear of intimacy. Not only will it help you in the long run, it will show her that you're serious about self-growth and building a healthy, strong relationship. She'll love you for it -- and you'll benefit from a less anxious, fearful, insecure outlook on life!

I've been in an on/off relationship for three years. We've broken up several times because he said he didn't feel enough for me to maintain the relationship. He always came back, however, with increasing levels of commitment. In the last 9 months, we've been extremely close. We've become extremely involved with each other's family, friends, went on hoidays, recently talked of moving in.

We get along wonderfully and there is a lot of love between us, but there always seems to be a wall we hit in our relationship, especially when we agree to commit. He loses desire to sleep with me and sex becomes a tense issue, and he begins to question whether he feels 'enough' for me or whether it's platonic. He has always been very independent to the point of pushing people away, and has never had a successful relationship. He says he doesn't know whether his problem is an issue with intimacy or with his feelings for me. Having your partner come after you and then tell you they don't think they love you is obviously difficult. He's at least respectful about it now but still quite tactless, and in past years has been downright mean, and has insulted me physically.

My previous relationships have been relatively healthy. This one isn't giving me a lot, and it's impacted my self esteem, but I seem to be stuck in a loop of feeling like if we could just get past some wall that comes up, we could just get on with enjoying each other. I've started to consider what issues this indicates I have - is my need for intimacy or validation overwhelming - but I don't truly think it's the case (other than when I'm at my most low).

As it stands, we're near the point of breaking up but I'm feeling really awful about it and so wish I could do something about the situation. Or at least figure out how to avoid going back to him when he's been alone for a few months and feels the emptiness that seems to lead him back to me. Each time it happens I feel like it's an indication that his feelings for me are strong, and each time is a bit better than the last, but each time it ends up in the same place. And I'm just as scared that he won't come back.

I know the obvious answer is to leave, but I'm finding it hard to accept that he doesn't love me and let go of the relationship. Maybe I'm just dwelling on this fear of intimacy thing to find something to 'fix', but it's one of the only ways I can make sense of his behavior.

Any thoughts appreciated.

Hello Laurie,

I 've been living with my current partner for 4 years and I'm afraid that my ongoing struggle with intamacy is going to kill this realtionship. I'm 45 and was married for 15 years prior to this realtionship, I'm troubled by my level of immaturity that these issues have brought forth.

My partner pointed out to me early in our relationship, that I seemed to have an aversion to talking about " Us" I could talk all day about trivial things, but when it came to discussing issues in our relatonship i'd go blank, or panic , preparing to be accused of something he might dislike.

I vear off in other directions in discussions and THINK i'm still on point. My speach pattern gets broken up into strange segments, and I get stuck in the middle of a sentance, unable to hold onto the thought. My mind will race and then i can't seem to explain myself.

It seems that as soon as he asked questions about certain behaviors, Ive taken it and turned it into some kind of 'slam" on me as a person.

It's as if I have no consistancy as a person. I fade in and out of things.. I'll want to be physically close then back away. The " Pull me in then push away" thing is making him crazy.

He questions my desire for him also because i rarely initiate sexual situations. The one thing I do know about myself is that if he initiates sex then I wont be rejected. ( being rejected sexually was an issue in my marrage) he has been very patient, but he can't do all the work.. I feel like i have no idea how to be just a person. Some days everything flows fine, but on the days that don't I get so deppressed and become very self depricating and the pattern of my weirdness starts all ove again.
I'v been reading about passive aggresive behaviors, fears of abandonment,etc to try to help me feel comfortable with the fact that it's not just me, that it's the human condition. But really seeing my behaviors and catching myself in the middle of avoiding an issue sometimes makes me wish i could go back to being oblivous to it all.

But I cant, I would really like to have a real relationship with this man, his patients and understanding that issues take time to heal and change can only hold out in hope for so long.

There is alot more than this comment section will allow, I need help to change. Any insight,questions or recomendations for self help would be greatly appricaited.

Thank you.

Have you considered counseling for your fear of intimacy issues? Often, we can't see the best answers or reasons for our fears ourselves, because we're too close to ourselves!

I recommend seeing a counselor at least once. Sometimes, you can go in for an hour and come out with a whole new perspective on life, relationships, yourself...and your fear of intimacy. Or, you may find that you want to work on your fears a little more, and decide to embark on a longer-term relationship with your counselor.

If that isn't an option, I suggest reading books about fear of intimacy with your partner. Again, there's information in there that you can't figure out on your own -- and you'll find that you're not alone!

Finally, I suggest tearing off bite-sized pieces :-) By this I mean that you could try talking about your relationship with your partner for, say, 15 minutes. Seriously: set the kitchen timer for 15 minutes. Sit with your partner, and just talk about the fact that you're uncomfortable with talking about your relationship! Talk about how he feels about talking about your relationship. Talk about whether your parents talked about THEIR relationship! If you can't talk at all, then just sit with your partner. Hold hands, drink your coffee or sodapop. And when the timer goes off, you're free until your next scheduled time to talk! You could talk weekly, or every 3 days, or on Mondays and Fridays. A regular schedule is good - but the timing is up to you.

When you're talking about your relationship or fear of intimacy, you don't have to get super heavy and serious. For instance, you can read a passage of a book or article about fear of intimacy, and talk about the contents.

Try this -- and think about counseling -- and let me know how it goes!

Laurie

hi!
i feel that i have this fear of intimacy... and its getting worse day by day..till i was in my school, everything was well, i wanted to have a beloved, a nice family, a good married life, but in college everything changed. there was a guy, who was infatuated to me, and he tried for 2 years, so that i give commitment to him. when i finally did, it was good for few days, but then i found, that he used tot urn abusive (verbally ) to me, if i did something he didnt like, if i could go to movie with class, and he couldnt, and other small things, he used to abuse my famliy, and when i used to not to talk to him, he used to bring bouquets to me,sending them through my friends, saying that he would say sorry to me in front of whole class.. i didnt like such embarassing situations, but friends used to reunite us... later he even turned abusive, as in he gripped my throat when there was a major fight... we broke off...
though i felt a security with him, enmotionally when things were good between us, now i feel broken.
i want to get married, but whenever there is an alliance, and i like the guy too, i feel that there is a pattern, i just step back... i staart visualising that maybe this guy will also turn out to be the same... and then i get scared, as if i;l be literaly butchered after mariage, i feel insecured that wherther my in laws will be right ppl?i feel whether i will get a right guy, if not then, what?
what shall i do? i feel as if i'lll blast from inside.... it has been 4 years since i broke with that previous guy, have got many opitons since then, but i am not able to commit to anyone, when i know that i should.... what shall i do?

Hi Laurie,
I am generally confused about anything and everything that has to do with feelings. I don't even know what I feel most of the time. I can't describe what I feel, let alone why I feel a certain way. In my family we never really showed our emotions so I think that's where it all started. It's even difficult for me to open up to even the closest of my friends.

In high school I would only amuse a guy, but not really make a move. I was an extremely shy person back then, but on the other hand I wasn't really looking for a relationship either. I'm not really sure which part is true, so I developed a habit of saying I had commitment problems. Needless to say I have never been in a relationship.I don't regret or feel somewhat ashamed about it even though I get funny looks from my friends. I was always alright being alone and sometimes even seek some alone-time.

But it becomes really painful for me to like someone. I am very much attracted to someone now. So much that I've decided despite my shyness, I'll make an effort this time and talk to him. But now, I'm re-thinking everything over. I only want to tell him how I feel. BUt I'm afraid of the consequences. In my head, the best scenario for me would actually be him not liking me. Of course, this can happen too. What I know is that I'm not afraid my heart will be broken. I'm afraid I have to trust and confide in someone. But I also know I can't always stay alone. How do I deal with this?

Thanks for your help

To the reader who wants to be married but is struggling with fear of intimacy: I've given some extra tips for overcoming fear of intimacy in my Psychology Blog.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Overcome Fear of Intimacy?"

I hope to see you there!

Laurie

To the reader who is struggling with an inability to trust men and fear of intimacy: I've answered your question in my Psychology Blog.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How do I Overcome My Inability to Trust Men?"

I hope to see you there!

Laurie

Hi,
i went through a divorce a few years ago and since then ive had a few dates here and there but nothing really serious or at least i havent fell for them at all. i thought it was okay to feel a sort of fear to intimacy...like when a guy tries to approach me ..even if i like him..its really hard for me to let him get in and i dont even give him the chance to chat or anything. latetly ive also noticed that when i meet a guy and we start talking on the phone and stuff... i get excited at the beginning, but after a couple days i end up hating it. that happend with plenty of guys. i feel anxious..like paying to much attention to what he said or if he calls and stuff...and i think that kinda makes me not enjoying it. ive been alone for the longest time and i got so used to it that i actually enjoy it.but when it comes to start going out with somebody..then there is my fear. thats why i rather not to meet any guy even if i like him. i just quit very quick if something goes wrong and sometimes i dont even give it a try...
i was thinking...is this considered kind of a phobia to the opposite sex? please advise

Well, it depends. If the source of your unwillingness to pursue a relationship with a man is because you're scared of being vulnerable, getting hurt, being rejected, or have to get over a break up...then you might be struggling with fear of intimacy (a phobia is an extreme irrational fear, so your struggle with intimacy isn't a phobia. Your fear of intimacy is understandable and rational).

But, if the source of your unwillingness to date or be in a relationship is that you're happier alone, then that's a straightforward life choice. Some people prefer to be single.

I can't tell you if you're struggling with fear of intimacy, but I think that the fact that you researched it and described your anxieties and reluctance to be in a relationship here, means you're struggling with something. Maybe you're just trying to decide if you want to accept being single the rest of your life (and that's not easy to accept in a couples-oriented society).

For help overcoming fear of intimacy, go to my Psychology Blog.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Overcome Fear of Intimacy?" It'll also be listed under "July 2009" in the list on the side.

Be as honest as possible with yourself; it's okay to be scared. Then, if you decide you want to tackle your fears, then I suggest you read as much as you can about emotional intimacy and overcoming fear of relationships.

Best wishes, and come back if you have more questions or thoughts!

Laurie

hi laurie, my name is anthony and i need some help. i am having trouble with my girlfrend right now and it is all because i have trouble trusting people. she is my thrid girlfriend and the first two girls i was dating both ended up cheating on me. maybe it was just bad luck. i need some avice on how to get over that so i can start acting like a bf rather than a father. i hate it so much and i can tell my actions are chasing her away if they havent already done so. i live in massachusetts and she lives in illinois. i want to make this work with her and i know she wants the same, can you please help me out. thank you for your time.

Anthony Balderelli

Hi Anthony,

I'm glad you're reaching out for help and solutions. You CAN break this cycle of not trusting people! You're motivated and sincere, which is half the battle.

First, read my Overcoming Fear of Intimacy article (the link is in the list of articles at the end of the above article).

Second, recognize that overcoming fear of intimacy is a slow process. It takes time to learn to trust people, especially when you’ve been hurt in the past.

Third, talk to your girlfriend about your fears. Stress that it’s not that you don’t trust or love her – it’s that you’re working to overcome your anxieties so you can have a great relationship. Your fear of intimacy is part of who you are -- just like hating brussell sprouts or liver! And, the more you express it by talking about it with people you trust, the easier it'll get. A healthy way to express your feelings is to say, “I feel afraid that my behavior is pushing you away.”

Fourth, check your behavior. You know when you’re behaving poorly; you CAN change how you act towards your girlfriend. Picture how you want to be as a boyfriend, and then take specific steps in that direction. This can mean sharing your fears and anxieties instead of getting angry or criticizing her.

Fifth, get a counselor's help if you're overwhelmed with fear or anxiety. A counselor has an objective eye, and can help you see yourself more clearly.

I also recommend reading books and attending workshops. The more you learn about fear of intimacy, the better off you’ll be.

I’ve answered a similar question in my Psychology Blog. To read it, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Overcome My Inability to Trust Men?" (my answer works for men trusting women, too)

Good luck, Anthony…I hope this helps!

Laurie

Hi My name is Nutkanya and I really like your article :)

I don't know what my problem is :( and I hope you can help me.
I've never been in a relationship before, not that I'm ugly or anything
but everytime someone ask me out or hitting on me.. I feel good about them for a while
but then the next morning I suddently just... shut myself out or something...
Pushing them away like I was afraid of getting to know him or afraid they getting to know me
like I afraid of trusting people.. not just some guys but I've been thinking
even my best friends, There's always a thin wall between us. and I think I'm afraid of getting hurt(feeling/emotional)

My friends said that I'm a very private person. Cuz I don't usually tell things about myself unless I really give them my trust and I just like to keep it simple and quiet
but I'm a joyful and always make people laugh (thank god for that haha!) and I have lots of friends but only few that I trust though

That's why I never have a real bf and now I think there's a guy whos acting like he's into me
and honestly I don't wanna mess it up like before again

Guess I have to open up myself to people but it's not really easy, you know?
Gosh I even afraid of going out on a date with someone, afraid it'll going to the next step I guess
What's wrong with me?? I've been betrayed by my bestfriends once or twice when I was a kid
Does it have anything to do with whatever's wrong with me?
How can I over come this fear? I really need your help :(

Thank you so much (sorry it's alittle too long)

Hi My name is Nutkanya and I really like your article :)

I don't know what my problem is :( and I hope you can help me.
I've never been in a relationship before, not that I'm ugly or anything
but everytime someone ask me out or hitting on me.. I feel good about them for a while
but then the next morning I suddently just... shut myself out or something...
Pushing them away like I was afraid of getting to know him or afraid they getting to know me
like I afraid of trusting people.. not just some guys but I've been thinking
even my best friends, There's always a thin wall between us. and I think I'm afraid of getting hurt(feeling/emotional)

My friends said that I'm a very private person. Cuz I don't usually tell things about myself unless I really give them my trust and I just like to keep it simple and quiet
but I'm a joyful and always make people laugh (thank god for that haha!) and I have lots of friends but only few that I trust though

That's why I never have a real bf and now I think there's a guy whos acting like he's into me
and honestly I don't wanna mess it up like before again

Guess I have to open up myself to people but it's not really easy, you know?
Gosh I even afraid of going out on a date with someone, afraid it'll going to the next step I guess
What's wrong with me?? I've been betrayed by my bestfriends once or twice when I was a kid
Does it have anything to do with whatever's wrong with me?
How can I over come this fear? I really need your help :(

Thank you so much (sorry it's alittle too long)

Hi,

It definitely seems like you're struggling with a "textbook" case of fear of intimacy! I know how it feels -- I saw a counselor for exactly the same problems as you mentioned. She was excellent, she totally helped me see why I was afraid to love and let myself be loved.

I can't provide that type of counseling for you. Online information and support is great, but the in-depth journey you need to go on requires in-person help! You need to call a therapist, and make overcoming your fear of intimacy a priority in your life.

Call a counselor, and start your journey to health, love, and freedom! It's not easy -- I KNOW how hard it is -- but it's worth it.

Laurie

Really? So you've been through this kind of situation
What does the therapist suggest you ?
I don't think I can afford for the therapy, I'm still under 18 :and my mom would probably think it's not important
a "textbook" case of fear of intimacy?
Will this be a problem in the future or anything?
Last question : What did she tell you about afraid to love? or Why?

My wife and I have been married 43 years and the last 25 have been sexless and no intimacy at all. I prefer it that way ! Wife on the other hand does not.
I don't like the touchy feely stuff and intimacy and sex I can do without, and have been for all these years. We don't even give each other a peck on the cheek at night. I prefer to be in bed before or after my wife comes to bed or she is asleep.
Our marriage has lasted some how, maybe we act like brother and sister.

I have been having intimacy issues my whole life, I've cheated, and ran away from good things because I don't want to get hurt again. I'm with a great guy now, I love him and were great together. I've noticed my fears coming back and he hasn't done anything wrong. How do I get over this? I don't want to ruin our relationship, I want to make it stronger. Thank you

What do you do when you've got a religious fanatic that suddenly decides he can't be intimate with you anymore because it's not right and he feels guilty in his conscience about it since we are not married and doesn't want to marry me because I won't join his church (cult)?When asked why he even got intimate with me in the first place, he explained he was 'weak' and every three months or so he gets weak for brief intimacy and then figures he can repent while he puts me on the backburner again. This is a man who's been deeply religious for 35 years without any intimate relationships with a woman. Tell me how a man suddenly gets 'weak' after all them years and decides he wants a wife and to give someone lines such as "Will you marry me? You'll get all the money in my bank account if I die! Why won't you come with me, I can take care of you better than anyone else?" And then once you become emotionally attached and sexually turned on by him, changes overnight getting cold feet about the whole idea of marrying you and being intimate.
I think I was jerked around by a hypocritical con artist looking to get a piece of ass and tease and deprive anyone who won't succumb to joining his church!
It's been over 2 years and I've settled for just being a casual friend. We live in seperate homes and see each other only for an hour or two in the evening... no intimacy whatsoever. And the conversations he starts are always about everything and anything but 'us' and 'me'! As though everything is just fine between us the way HE wants it! Meanwhile I'm frustrated because I know I deserve a normal relationship with this man, the way it was the first month I began dating him and I don't buy that 'honeymoon' or 'first stage' b.s. ... no! This should not have ended, we could've dragged on the passion and infatuation and really been enjoying each other these past two years. But he chose to let religion dominate his emotions and cause him to clam up with Jesus instead. I'm just so severely disappointed because I really loved this guy and it's not easy to find someone I love. He had the character, the looks, and all but religion destroyed everything. It's caused me to spend most of my nights researching and refuting the bible! I wonder how many other couples go through such nonsense over religion?

Hi there, My name is Robbie. Im 37, Im seeking advise. Ive been dating my girlfriend for six years now. Ive never felt so strongly in love with anyone, not even my first love or my ex wife. But our whole relationship has been such a struggle. I know the love is there but the bad behaviors get in the way of so much good on a daily basis. One day I am the love of her life and we are all mushy with so many nice content things and 2 days later I cant even get the time of the day. If I try to engage in conversation, ask whats wrong or show concern 1 of 2 things happen. Either she just wont talk at all or she will say nothing is wrong in a derogatory tone.I offer to make dinner, shes not hungry, I ask to help with something, she says she fine (in a derogatory tone) I offer a hug and she acts if Im crowding her. This has gone on for days. Many times it leads to huge arguments over such minor things. She hears half of a sentence and before I can finish explaining she is already reacting with rage. I try to explain to her: What I think u understood is not what I meant for you to understand and she is just stuck what she has assumed and will not listen to understand. These arguments can go on for days, I try to avoid her when she gets like this after a day of seeing its not going away and she will call me and I ask her not to yell at me or have a tone and she just gets furious. Its so hard to not get upset and react myself to all the horrible things she tells me. I ask her to be nice, kind and loving and I have told her I dont like being treated this way and she will tell me that I should go be with someone else when 3 days before she had told me we were meant for each other and she'd always love me.. We did try living together but she would lock herself in her room when my kids were around. her excuse then was my kids. I ended up breaking up with her 2 years ago and started dating other people. When she found out I was seeing other people she begged for me back and made all these wonderful promises that she would get help and she would take responsibility. During the break up she lost almost 30 pounds. She diagnosed her self with fear of intimacy and admitted to making many excuses to push me away everytime she allowed me close. I gave it another chance because I really do love her but 6 months later I got kicked out again. Shes called me a cheater, a liar so many wrong assumtions. None of is true and Im getting consantly put down. She has to be in control of everthing when she is upset. Thats how I can tell. There are good days she wants help and 2 days later the circle starts again, The longest the circle goe is 2 weeks of getting along and that is rare. Its usually every week. Its like being on a roller coaster. I know that I am trying so hard to make the best out of this relationship but Im begining to not like myself. Anything I ask her to stop doing she just blames me. We go to counsiling but she doesnt follow thru with any agreement. (and its always my fault) She wants me to move back but I tell her I need to know she is not going to kick me out again. She just gets angry again for days. I cant even have trust to make plans to do things because so many times we have and she gets upset and cancells them. Sometimes she blames me that it was me that cancelled it when Im telling her I want to go. Im seeing the signs and behaviors that were there when we first lived with each other. I really dont know how to approach her to get anything constructive when she begins slipping.. The only thing that has worked is when I break up with her. She begs for me back and is willing to do anything. But when she has me the anger is there more then not. I am a good man. I admit ive had my temper tantrims (who wouldnt dealing with this) but Ive never hit her. I just cant figure out why she allows herself to be close one or 2 days a week and keep me pushed away the rest. If I try to get close she pushes away harder. Am I doing something wrong by trying to help? What would it take to get her to stop pushing me away? I know most normal people would have given up and moved on. But she wont let me. And I do love her. What can i do?I dont understand what to do when she begins shutting off and pushing away or why it happens in the first place. Im scared to death of though. It takes away so much. This is the most difficult thing ive ever dealt with. Please help.

Hello,
I hope I can gain some insight. I traveled to South Africa and during my visit, I met a guy. Somehow I fell for him. I don't know when and I don't know why. This is my first time falling for anyone. He also fell for me. The problem is that he is financially unstable at the moment and is married to someone at the moment. He claims that he wants out of the marriage but can't because he has to remain married in order to get permanent residency in South Africa which can help him get a job. The problem was that his wife seemed to be into the marriage because although they weren't getting along, she got jealous if he talked to other people and always wanted to catch him doing wrong. At first, I wanted out since I wasn't comfortable with him being married but after much talking with him and his cousin who is a very close friend of mine, I was reassured that he was married out of necessity rather than love.

Afterward, I told him okay I was in. There wouldn't be any physical interactions since I am in the U.S. and he is in South Africa. I am a communicator so to me the best way to learn about him before making any concrete decision was to communicate. Well, turns out he would never initiate any calls or contact (facebook). When pressed he would say he was busy or he has a lot of pressure he's dealing with. This makes no sense to me given he has ample time for different activities, sports, gym, clubbing. He has time for all these but somehow he can't spare 5mins to say hello. I have called him on his day off thinking maybe he got busy with something, turns out he has not left his house all day, and has been chilling on the sofa all day. When I call, he talks for maybe 30mins and then tells me he has to go out with his friends. I ask him how can you go 5 or 6 days without feeling the urge to speak to me but then tell me you love me? His response is that he has pressure. Because he is not financially fit, I got a calling card that allows him to call me but only get charged local rate. If he does this, I would also only get charged the local rate. He never uses it. Instead I have to call him and get charged both local and international rates. Also, he goes on facebook but he never sends me a message but he would flirt very openly and sexually on his facebook. If I bring it up he tells me he was only being nice with them.

I have asked him about three times why he won't call me or contact me more because I'm in love with him and all I think of is him and I wish I could talk to him at least once a day, but he's comfortable going 5 or 6 days without any contact. It's hard to get him to open up. He laughs everything off, I have to dig for answers about his family, his past and he says I'm interrogting him. All I'm doing is getting to know him. He never asks me about myself, my family or my friends. He doesn't even know my middle name--he has never asked. I asked him, that's how I know.

Some insight will be appreciated please. I want to know why he is like this. He swears up and down to me, to his cousins that he is in love with me. But like you mentioned above in your article...his words are not matching his actions...nothing is matching. Help Please!!

Hi
I have just come accross this article. I am 31 years old and was married young to an emotionally hard man quite a bit older than myself. For the first 3 years we were together I tried and failed to get to know him. We had two children, I withdrew, locked down my heart and concerned myself with raising the kids, my job and my home. I left him 3 years ago because I wanted to be in a different kind of relationship or be alone, his emotional coldness killed me. Throughout the 9 yr marriage I felt detached and lonely. I showed very little emotion to him, never told him when i was in pain, or happy. I stole time with my friends to laugh, but rarely at home with him (it felt like failure when i did). I cried a lot locked in the bathroom or after he'd gone to bed.
I had a short emotionless relationship and then I met a loving, warm, kind, younger man who I have fallen deeply in love with. It has taken me 2 years to trust him with my emotions, infact i don't think i even do now. We enjoy an excellent sex life, we laugh a lot. But we have had a very turbulent time because he feels consistently like I am dishonest with him as I don't find it easy or natural to share my feelings, thoughts and emotions further than superficial stuff. Until very recently I had shared very little personal information with him, no financial information and limited self history. Habbit? Inability? I didn't see there was anything wrong with it.
He is warm, open and honest and has been accepting, encouraging but at times very critical and angry through frustraition. He has given me an ultimatum, either let him in or let him go. I want to have a full and loving relationship with him, but I am so frightened of opening up any further. I honestly don't know if my emotions match my age they've been locked up so long. In every other way I am successful, but I feel such an idiot having only just realised that relationships need close emotional connection. How do i trust him enough to do this? I don't want to lose him.

i've recently been thinking that i might be gay, and started seeing this girl, we spoke every day and it was all going really well but every time we saw one another i felt like i couldnt show affection to her. we spent the night together and after having sex i just didnt want her near me and the next morning i wanted to get away as fast as possible. i don't think these issues are just because she's a girl, i seem to have a problem being affectionate to anyone and i dont know why.

i have zero confidence, i hide in my apartment, i hide in my office, i see as few people as possible and my job is telephone based, This really nice guy asked me out and i said no. im terrified of intimacy and even just being friends. ive had no human physical contact in years, i dont talk to my parents as they hate each other and me for reasons unknown. i was always told to shut up and go away or that i am useless.

i have built an emotional prison and i dont want to get out as its comfortable and when i get asked out, i remember how lonely i am.

i do my job, i come home, i sleep; thats it. i talk to my pets i sleep. i cant break out a i cant talk to people. im trapped. helaumur@yahoo.co.uk
i live on line so i dont talk to people.

Hi there, i`ve been in a on and off relationship with a great loving guy since november, we were friends before. He`s so sure of what he wants, a future, kids, marriage etc. I have two daughters from a previous relationship but stayed single for so long it`s just been us three forever. but when a guy comes into the picture, I worry that my daughters think i may not be paying enough attention to them. sometimes they tell me they don`t want my boyfriend to come over, they want to be alone with me. every 3-4 weeks i completely push him away, tell him i can`t handle the pressure, because we all seem like a happy family it gets serious but then i just panick or something, shut down, think i`m better off alone. this guy has done nothing wrong but love me and my kids. after a week or so of holding that grudge, i slowly soften, miss him think to myself, all he wants to do is love me, and i love him. we start again....we talk about it. I tell him i don`t know what comes over me and that it hurts me to hurt him. why does he keep coming back? he says he loves me, believes their is a future there. I just have to stop shutting down like that, shutting him out of my life. what`s do you think of all this???

Please could you help me I am 25 years old . This is my first boyfriend and we have been together for nearly 2 years. He is sweet, honest, kind, gentle person and is a genuine person that cares. I stay with him becuase of the above and because we can have a laugh together and tease each other (which is what I like the most about our relationship) and we both like sport. However there are things that are holding me back unlike him who is a bit of a softie, affectionate, I am not so much. There are times when I like affection but it is not often. He likes affectionate more so and Im not one to be so affectionate and I do not find the whole aspect of intimacy and affection comes naturally for me, sometimes I wish it did but its just not me. There are times when he even does the smallest of things that makes me panic if he is being smoochy I find it off putting and not always sure how to repsond and can put me into panic stations as to whether we are right for each other. I dont go for the real laddy lad kind of guy, which is not what he is like. I know I care for him but do I love him is that word just too strong a word for me to say. I completely confused and this whole topic just about posses me everyday. Sometimes I feel we should just split up beacuse he know that I am not sure and that I care about him so I don't want to hurt him.

hey there..

i am currently in a weird place in my life.. of course, maybe its because im only 16.. but still, some things seem so real and my love life is definitely not at its best shape..

i was dating my best friend for a couple of months before i realized i was moving to china. it all seemed extremely sad and i knew that he would not wait for me to return in 2 years time. nonetheless, we kept a long (very long) distance relationship for about 3 months after i left. then i realized that he might have found someone else given the fact that he stopped talking to me. i accepted it and moved on with my life in china.

summer rolled by and i returned to my hometown, glad to find out that he still had feelings for me. i felt relieved that there was no one else and returned to china feeling safe.

weeks after i came back from vacation, i find out that he did have someone else.. before during AND after i came back that summer. i felt crushed and i felt a wall build itself around me. he had no idea that i found out, and he still docent, because talking to him about it would seem too much for me to handle. silently, i decided to let it go and find someone else, and with a little luck, i did. but the same thing happened and he stopped communicating with me and moved on to a different girl. i fell like the wall around me has become thicker and thicker. im starting to think that maybe its not them, maybe its something to do with me. i want to change, but the difficult part is that no one tells me what it is i need to do to better myself. im scared to even try to be in another relationship but i don't want to end up alone in my teen years.

i want to break this fortress around me, but i don't think i have the tools and the mental capacity to do so. i need help in how i can become more open to people and prevent this miscommunication in my relationships to happen once more, because for me, to get broken like that again, i fear that it might be the end of me.

this is a cry for help. please i need your advice.

I have recently met the most awesome lady...and we are getting along very well...but, because of men in the past that have taken advantage of her she has walls...I am not giving up on her or us...I want to find out what can I do, say, or just be for her so that she will know that I am not them...and...Is her talking about what they did to her to me a good thing???? I tell her thank God they messed up, cause without that...I wouldn't be here...I tell her, "Their stupidity is to my advantage." I just want to kiss her for real...I want her to look me in the eye when we're together...and I want her to let go of her past, and grab hold of the future with me...