What is Emotional Cheating? Unfaithful in Love

What type of advice are you looking for? I have personal experiance with emotional cheating as well as some clinical knowledge.

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Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships.
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If persons are to be completely honest to each other as well as to themselves, it is extremely important that they do not keep secrets from each other.
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That condition is the beginning of self discovery. That is where you find out who you truly are.
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Check it out.
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This article will put a different spin on emotional cheating, and define it better: http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_emotional_cheating_starts

After monthes of suspecting that something was wrong, I searched my husband's cell phone account and found out that he has been talking to this other woman i knew nothing about. They would call each other 6-7 times perday , the farthest I could go back is 2 monthes. Though they both deny sleeping with one another, I do not think I will ever forgive him or be able to trust him ever again.It infuriates me that he qould share and talk with this woman rather than talking to me

I have been living with this for 9 years. (I know; what a fool) But it is very hard when you love your mate and you don't want to believe that it might be true. It's just as bad as a sexual realationship because the feelings are still there. What's really hard is your hoping its a faze that he will grow out of, instead your finding yourself in the divorce courts.

I thought I was the only one. I had suspected something was wrong. He turned to an ex (who is married). I just confirmed this, it has also been going on for months. He also denies that they have been sleeping woth one another. He has just told me that he doesn't want to be with me or our kids anymore because he is confused & I just found out that she is divorcing her husband. I feel like its just as bad or worse than a sexual relationship because they have had time to really get to know one anther and form a bond. I may sound crazy, but I still want to be with him.

seems like most of the comments here are people that being 'emotionally cheated' on..i'm on the other side of the coin and feel terrible. I've seen seeing a therapist about other personal issues but right now the guilt I have about what I've done is excruiating. i hate myself for this... i'm trying to move on and away from the other person involved but he just doesn't get it. plus, i feel like he's toying with my emotions..why can't i just be happy with my marriage?

I have been single for many years, and met a wonderful woman to whom i have grown to love very much.For about a year now, I had been the one for other people to lean on, and I had hid a friendship and cell phone numbers from my girlfriend. I rationalized that she was just jealous, and she was the one with the problem until she stressed so much about it all, she had a heart attack. We had both prayed about guidance and direction, until I read part of a book called real love. In it, it described how we were to love one another, trust issues, and the like. We had fights about these matters for such a long time, both of us felt it was best to end it all. Little did I know that she had no support from her friends, kept it all inside, and when I realized that I had a support system, and she didnt, she had only me, I was completely taken by it all, and realized that I was the one causing all the pain and stress. WE are now on the road to a better relationship now, after I had opened up to her and admitted that perhaps I was looking for support from outside the relationship when all along, She wanted to be the support person. I had never experienced anything like this...I had been selfish, thinking of myself most of the time, and not her. Theres much we have to do in order to become happy again, but both of us are willing to do what it takes to get there, councling, stress management, the whold works. Right now, Im looking for a paster to help me help her, and she needs to do the same instead of keeping it all inside. WE both agree that we need help, and Im doing my part by keeping away from the internet stuff, and coworkers personal affairs...Its a huge eye opening experience for me, because I do love her so much.....Marshall

Is looking at porn and leering over the women considered emotional cheating? My partner assures me that he is not thinking of the women only what act they are performing.

Well, I don't know if looking at it is emotional cheating as such....but it's sure unhealthy for your relationship, not to mention degrading to women. Why do you put up with that?

I came across this article and after reading just had to comment.
I am a 47 year old divorced woman seeing the same guy for 6 years.
First we had to overcome HIS need for "friendships" with ex's....this took 2 years and one big break up before he sought help through therapy and came to conclusion that he was seeking out validation...by maitaining these relationships to stroke himself (he is high maintanence ego wise)

During the "healing" process, he said he had a hard time understanding what the guidelines were for a "friendship" with someone of the opposite sex.......I told him that 1) "The female friend could not have ever seen your penis...anyway shape or form" and 2) If he is having a conversation with a "friend" of the opposite sex, and there is ANYTIME during that conversation that he would feel uncomfortable with ME, his partner, listening in on....or over hearing, then you have and ARE crossing the line.......

What should I do about my gf giving other guys looks? She has promised me never to do again.

I found the above article quite useful, there are still some issues that I am dealing with however which I feel are somewhat relevant to the topic.
To give a brief summary, I have been seeing my current boyfriend for a total of almost 4 years, although we broke up, and got back together a year later. Sounds simple enough.
Recently, I have felt that something is not quite right, but being a fairly rational person, I decided that it was all in my head and I was (and probably still am) feeling hurt from when we first broke up. I have, however, encountered some behaviour of his that to me seems very borderline. In the past hes recieved lots of text messages from a young girl that he used to sleep with (she's very obsessed with him but he doesn't tell her to stop phoning or sending messages), has told his ex-girlfriend that he misses her (he only did so because he meant it as a joke that only she would understand, so he told me) and continues to ask her out to coffee or movies to "catch up".
I realize that its almost impossible to give sound advice when you are approaching an emotional situation out of context, and as I have said before, I'm still very angry, hurt and insecure from when we first broke up. Is what he is doing emotional cheating? I know that I don't do any of this stuff with people that I have slept with or dated, but who knows, perhaps that is just me. How can I approach him on these issues when all he seems to offer me are just excuses?
Thanks for your advice.

"There are none so blind as those who don't wish to see," says Judge Marilyn Milian on People's Court all the time.

Your boyfriend will probably continue to offer you excuses until an objective third party - whom he respects - can make him see how destructive his behavior is. I think he shrugs off your words, because it's easy to do that in relationships. But when a counselor, pastor, doctor, or some objective outsider points out how badly we're behaving, then we have the choice to change our behavior or not.

If he doesn't respect your feelings enough to change his behavior even after someone he respects tells him how foolish he's being, then you need to make a decision about staying or leaving. The ball's in your court then.

I think manipulation should also be taken into account, I have read that people are not born with such a trait. Instead it can start late in a relationship. (http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Manipulative-or-Controlling-Relationshi p)
Speaking from recent personal experience if your life matches a lot of those things, maybe its best to get out. If your married and have kids..try to work it out. Read that article it really helped me with my recent problem: Basically i was in love with a girl for a year, but started increasing in arguments halfway through. I tried to stay in the relationship and keep it going by doing my best to keep her satisfied. But in doing so i lost some of my closest friends and relatives. One night i wanted to surprise because i had been reading a book she wanted me to read (here favorite the twilight series). I couldn't get her out of my mind and i knew she had a EXTREMELY distant cousin over (not blood related), to spend the night at her place, possibly because we were on a "break". I showed up to just be with her, and she was under the covers with the cousin (Just cuddling i know for sure). But she had done something like it before with someone else and swore to never again do it, and did a lot to make up for it. Bottom line, i was crushed, but i thought to myself "at least you can say you tried and were honest, this is not your fault, learn from this." And i did one of the hardest things i have done, and walk away.

But like i said read that article, if that is your relationship, you need to get your self esteem back, and cut off contact with that person. People like this are extremely hard to get rid of like the article said (never thought it to be true until recently). They know you the best (2ndly to yourself of course), and know how to get a reaction.

All i asked myself was "Does she need someONE? Or someBODY?"

My boyfriend has an emotional affair with a married woman.Her husband works in other city. she has a 5yr old son. I feel disgusted at times.

There is no relationship simple enough to fit the explanation for which in a comment here.
I read all of your comments. From all of the above, I've been in a worse situation. The relationship began with all the 3 stages - lust, attraction, emotional attachment. Then before my bf of a few months went on a trip, and things became long distance for 3 months ... everything became so complicated - exactly what I had feared and didn't wanna be in a relationship for it. While he was still on his trip, near the ed of it, I saw that he was adding women on the internet to his friends list, random women,.and I saw some comments and flirting...which naturally I didn't like ... and I've never been a jealous person, only tolerant. So I broke up with him over the internet. He accused me by saying I was wrong...that he was adding women and not men as he couldn t trust men lol. It was as if I foresaw everything that was about to happen, and it did ... and it made me miserable. I couldn't let go just yet, because `i needed to know all the truth about it, `i knew I was right but he had somehow made ME feel guilty by manipulating me..saying that I left him ... which I never did really, I had explained what bothered me and he denied it, but I cared for him.

Once he was back....he said he never met any of those random women there (the women from the net he was searching for ...for his trip...same location, all the women looked the same and had his tastes...) Long story short....after 2 years had passed and things were finally becoming better and better...we even travelled together to our countries of origines....once back home...I found text messages (accidently) and internet conversations .... with different women...some of them I recognized the pictures....those random girls that were strangers to him 2 years ago ... I was right about it all...he had done it all...wayyyy past emotional cheating. He lied to me so bad .... for so long...and I hate him for it...mainly for not being honest, blamist me ... and I could have caught HIV because of him ! How would he feel then ? and ow I m confused....how can I still love him ?
It's two and a half years now and I'm still with him, but by far not in the same way... I will never trust him again. After all my suspicions, and intuition (intuition is something everyone should always trust by the way) I am keeping myself busy and trying not to think about it ... he always pulls me back in, even cried and begged for my forgiveness ...

There is no relationship simple enough to fit the explanation for which in a comment here.
I read all of your comments. From all of the above, I've been in a worse situation. The relationship began with all the 3 stages - lust, attraction, emotional attachment. Then before my bf of a few months went on a trip, and things became long distance for 3 months ... everything became so complicated - exactly what I had feared and didn't wanna be in a relationship for it. While he was still on his trip, near the ed of it, I saw that he was adding women on the internet to his friends list, random women,.and I saw some comments and flirting,which naturally I didn't like ... and I've never been a jealous person, only tolerant. So I broke up with him over the internet. He accused me by saying I was wrong...that he was adding women and not men as he couldn t trust men lol. It was as if I foresaw everything that was about to happen, and it did ... and it made me miserable. I couldn't let go just yet, because `i needed to know all the truth about it, `i knew I was right but he had somehow made ME feel guilty by manipulating me..saying that I left him ... which I never did really, I had explained what bothered me and he denied doing it, but I cared for him .

Once he was back,he said he never met any of those random women there (the women from the net he was searching for ..for his trip...same location, all the women looked the same and had his tastes...) Long story short,after 2 years had passed and things were finally becoming better and better...we even travelled together to our countries of origines. Once back home, I found text messages (accidently) and internet conversations with different women.Some of them I recognized the pictures.Those random girls that were strangers to him 2 years ago. I was right about it all he had done it all...wayyyy past emotional cheating. He lied to me so bad,for so long. I'm beyond dissapointment..mainly for not being honest, blamist me ... and I could have caught HIV because of him ! How would he feel then ? and ow I m confused....how can I still love him ? I left him but he won t let go.
It's two and a half years now and I'm still with him, but by far not in the same way... I will never trust him again. After all my suspicions, and intuition (intuition is something everyone should always trust by the way) I am keeping myself busy and trying not to think about it ... he always pulls me back in, even cried and begged for my forgivene

My husband has a "friend" with whom I know he cheating with emotionally, how do you get him to see that it is unhealthy? We have and unborn child and he is being given the space he asked for. I know contact has not stopped with this friend. I feel frustrated as I don't know if I can wait around for him to make up his mind and for someone who is a really intelligent person he is behaving irrationally and really unlike himself. I know there are holes in the relationship that need fixing, I want to fix them. How do we move forward?

Getting your partner to see that he or she is emotionally cheating can be really hard to do. Sometimes, the best way may be to have an objective third person that your partner respects explain how emotional cheating works and why it hurts. Coming just from you, a partner may brush it off as jealousy or insecurity.

The only way to move forward is for him to commit to you alone. But, if he's asking for space, he may not be ready for a commitment.....waiting around probably isn't the best idea. Perhaps you could move on with your life, and if he's ready in the future, he'll come to you -- and you may or may not be available to him. I know the unborn child presents a whole new difficulty, so you should always keep the door open for their relationship, but you don't have to keep waiting for him to grow up.

My husband found out about an emotional affair I've had. The disgust and self loathing I feel is over powering. Oddly, I truly love my husband but he obviously cannot believe that I can love him yet damage our marriage over this. I honestly cannot give him an answer as to why I did it. He has since become verbally abusive and cruel. Knowing that he wants me to hurt as much as he does, how can I emotionally and physically put up with the abuse? Do I owe it to him? Do I deserve it? When do I stop taking it?

You made a mistake, and it tore at the fabric of your marriage --- but that doesn't mean you have to pay for it forever! Especially through verbal abuse and cruelty. You don't deserve to be treated that way. You and your husband both need help dealing with the fallout of emotional cheating, and you both need to learn forgiveness.

You have to forgive yourself, and he has to forgive you, in order for you two to move on and have a successful, healthy marriage. How do you do that? Each couple is different. Some need counseling, others can work it through themselves. Some need family members to step in.

First, though, you need forgiveness so you can have the freedom to move on.

This is an interesting subject. I'm in a committed relationship with my boyfriend and have been for just over a year now. We have known each other since 2002 though and were just friends. One thing this article doesn't discuss are friends from the past. My boyfriend's best friend is a girl he's known for a year longer than he's known me and they are very close. Nothing physical/sexual has ever happened and they've always been platonic friends. He and I have really become very close over the last year, however he and his best friend (the only friend he really talks to) text and call each other on a daily basis and she invites him to go out to eat, motorcycle rides, meet up, etc 2-3 times a week. He also just returned from Iraq a month ago and she doesn't seem to show respect to the fact that we need OUR alone time. At the same time he hasn't spoke up to say I should be included when they hang out or that he feels uncomfortable about the frequent calls, etc. Because they have a strong friendship established before I came along it makes it easy for them to talk about things that I believe are unappropriate (i.e. personal things that should be kept private within our relationship, and hanging out without an extended invite to me at all). I fear my new presense in his life is threatening to her perhaps and he doesn't seem to fully understand that if he doesn't change the dynamics of their relationship that it will ultimately hurt us.

Well I think emotional cheating sucks, and specially men for m¡some reason they just wont admit it!!!...Ive never felt this way and I know its wrong =(...Anyways the man Im in love has a three year relationship and because of that we havent been able to be together..But we talk every single day and his really sweet with me!!..He told he was not leaving his girlfriend BECAUSE HE DIDNT KNOW HOW MUCH TIME OUR RELATIONSHIP WOULd LAST...anyways we see each other most of the time in the University because we are clasmates and we have a special bond but he has a girlfriend and we have never ever had intercourse or kissed or anything physical..My question is does this count as cheating???

Well I think emotional cheating sucks, and specially men for m¡some reason they just wont admit it!!!...Ive never felt this way and I know its wrong =(...Anyways the man Im in love has a three year relationship and because of that we havent been able to be together..But we talk every single day and his really sweet with me!!..He told he was not leaving his girlfriend BECAUSE HE DIDNT KNOW HOW MUCH TIME OUR RELATIONSHIP WOULd LAST...anyways we see each other most of the time in the University because we are clasmates and we have a special bond but he has a girlfriend and we have never ever had intercourse or kissed or anything physical..My question is does this count as cheating???

Is he closer to you than his girlfriend? Does he tell you things he wouldn't tell her? If he's closer to you that way, then yes, it is emotional cheating.

In ways I wish I hadn't read this article,but I cannot ignore the message. I am in an emotional affair at the moment. I know its not right and I am not going to justify it by using excuses.My wife doesn't know but suspects I have been in contact with other women and we are now in counselling and I really want my marriage to work and after reading this its going to be tougher than I thought.I hadn't accepted my part in the relationship decline.I certainly have something to think about now.

My husband is involved in an emotional relationship with an old girlfriend. He claims he no longer sees her or contacts her but I know he called her last week, and he contacts her online. He has been going through some physical problems and is depressed. We started marriage counseling, but the counselor recommended individual counseling 1st because of his depression and the issues from his past. I'm not sure if I should confront him again or wait until he's feeling better and not so depressed. I wonder if our marriage can survive.

I can say that I have a great marriage, I got a loving and supporting husband and I know to the fact that he loves me so deeply. but the problem is on me... I got a childhood friend whom I had a deep crush (sound silly) but I have known this guy all my life and I know for sure somehow,somewhere I fall inlove with him. Although we both haven't seen each other for years I could not forget him, we never have any relationship except being as friend. when I met him again online that's when the problem started,at first I pretended that I am still single, we talked over the phone for hours,(when my husband asked who it was I would just say it's one of my gay friend) I lied to my husband so much that I felt so guilty, so I told my "friend"when he start asking me out that I am getting married and I am living with this guy (not true at all I'm already married for 2 years) after I said this to my "friend" he started avoiding me and he stop showing online. I know I should stop too, but it seems that I can't just do it! I called him on his birthday, called him again a month and half later. I even asked my husband to help me find a gift for him. I don't know what to do I love my husband so much, I don't want to ruin my marriage esp. I don't want to hurt him, I want to forget the other guy I tried so much but somehow his always there waiting to invade my thoughts and my dreams (yes I dream of him all the time). please help me.

I honestly didn't realise I am emotionally cheating until I found this website. My husband had been out of work for 2.5 years, not looking very hard and being picky, in a depression, verbally putting me down and on occasions when I pushed hard around issues such as getting work, it would get physical.

I was supporting us both and paying a mortgage, I want a family and even offered for him to be a stay at home dad which he refused. I was depressed and had low self esteme. I was finding myself attracted to someone who had said something nice to me.

One day, when in a very deep depression, a colleague asked me if I was OK, initially I refused to talk but he insisted and I opened up and talked and it felt good. I wanted out of my marriage. He suggested counselling to try to fix my marriage, which I did on my own as hubby refused, I was able to cope for a bit as husband got work soon after and it got easier.

However, my hubby forgets himself and is still nasty at times and still a year on doesn't have a stable job and ignores my advice trying to help him. As a result, when I am hurt and down, I talk to my friend in detail and it helps me. But I suppose naturally, we have become close friends and talk about anything and everything and on occasion we will catch a movie together and have dinner, we never run out of things to say.

I have always asked/told hubby about my plans for the evening and who I was with and he is OK with it. He acknowledges that it is not something that interests him and is happy for me to go out.

In our 10 year relationship, although I have not agreed with his view or done it, my husband has said he is happy for me to get sex elsewhere if I want. We only do it once a month if lucky and he has also said he is not sexually attracted to me either(I am an attractive woman). He insists he does love me though. It just seems odd to me.

I find however, that I am thinking of my friend more and more and look forward to just talking and spending time with someone who makes me feel safe, appreciated and seems interested in what I have to say and the things I do, I enjoy the positive feedback I get.

I realise that I may be feeling an attraction but can't/don't want to avoid my friend as they help me when I am very down. Until this website, I thought cheating was a physical thing.

My hubby feels more like a friend.

This site has given me a lot of things to relect on and is guiding me to find what I should do to be happy.

I recently started working with my best friend's husband as his co-instructor for a design course. There is also another instructor who had worked with him previously. She is divorced with two kids and recently I have a feeling that she is working him up slowly. She compliments him academically, physically and emotionally. She teases him and laughs at all of his jokes. At the same time his wife has been telling me that he is not talking to her, that they haven’t had sex in a while and that he is always angry at home. Lately I have noticed that he seems to be enjoying this colleague’s company at work and has become more flirtatious with her. I feel responsible for not noticing it as being a potential threat to my friend’s marriage. My friend has her suspicions but I did not confirm anything thinking that it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Now I am not so sure. Should I get involved by saying something to him? Should I hint something to this other woman? This really stresses me because, I almost feel like leaving my job, which I love, because of my loyalty to my best friend.

That's definitely a tough one! On the one hand, you don't want to see your friend get hurt - and it looks like something will be happening between her husband and the coworker sometime down the road.......on the other hand, you don't want to gossip and spread misinformation.

If your friend asks you directly for advice, then it's easy. Tell her the truth. But as far as giving her info that she hasn't asked for....only you can answer that! There are compelling arguments for both saying something and for keeping your mouth shut -- and the fact that you work in the situation adds a whole new twist. I can totally understand why you'd want to quit.

I'd suggest finding an objective way to let her know what's going on. If she could see it for herself - without you directly being involved - that'd be the best solution. Then, she can decide if it's a problem or not.

my husband and i have been married about a year. we have had a few major fights, about money, and space. he has gotten better but he still is distant, and needs excessive space. he locks down his phone, and erases all messages, wont take calls when i am around, and locks down his computers. he erases all his messages on his myspace and facebook and all his activities that are on there. we sit in the front room every night, and thats it. just sit there, and he is on his computer all night. while understanding he his a computer tech, there is a line of how mich he needs to spend on there. i tired to see if we could compromise and go out more, or spend more time interacting, but its all just talk on his part. his sister, who is amazing, has offered to share some information she gaind through christian school, about Gods creation for marriage. He refuses to have that talk. and recently, i tell him that i love him, and he sometimes doesnt respond, and sometimes, i give him affectionate looks, and he just shrugs, and goes back to his computer. and there is no sex life. and when we do anything anymore, its just for him so to speak, and he closes his eyes and doesnt look at me, which he never use to do. i dont know what to do or to think, and i have virtually no one to vent to . help...

Im not really sure If what my wife does is emotionally cheating. It seems that my wife has a need to be in contact with ex-boyfreinds on a regular basis. she speaks about them to me excessively. She also has had an abundance of male freinds. Of course this didn't start when she met me. she recently invited a male freind over for thanxgiving with out asking. It was fine, but they spent half the time talking about his brother whom she used to be romantically involved with. Iv'e never seen or heard anything innapropriate per-say, but im wondering if these things in and of themselves should be a problem? Iv'e been accused of being insecure and jealous. Im not discounting that fact, but again, how should i feel?

From an outsider's point of view, I think your wife is being incredibly thoughtless. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings -- and the fact that she's inviting her male friends over without discussing it with you first is just plain rude. And, to talk about her ex-boyfriend?

I can't tell you how you should feel, but it doesn't sound like you're being insecure or jealous. It sounds like she's totally disregarding your feelings and acting like she's single.

To the woman who commented before Jeffrey.......I think you know that things aren't right in your marriage! It goes beyond fear of intimacy or emotional cheating to be so secretive about everything, the way your husband is.

I don't know if he'd be willing to get help with you (couples counseling), but if he's not -- can you go on your own? Then you could learn some ways to take care of your mental and emotional health.

I really dont know what to do about my situation. my anger and frustration will not go away. almost on a daily basis my wife is re-connecting or connecting with an ex-boyfreind on facebook etc. She has also become very resentful towards me because some relationships I just put my foot down on. she says I have taken her life away. I guess I should have got a clue when on our second date she pulled out a list of all of her ex-boyfreinds. There was just such an attraction that i had to over look these things. I admittedly I have had some issues in the past with insecurity. so thats why things are hard to judge sometimes. the thing is that it just seems to be magnified in this relationship. any suggestions?

I'd suggest individual or couples counseling to figure out the difference between your own insecurities and your wife's inappropriate behavior. Most of the time, emotional cheating or fights between couples aren't about one specific problem - they're about personal issues that taint the relationship.

This is agony! My boyfriend of 2 years continuously is on contact with other women regardless of how many times and ways I have confronted him. He blames me for being in a depression and bringing him down which is very unfair in my mind since I got to this point trying to work through my hurt and disappointment. Each time I would ask him to stop he said he would... but then he would find a different way to go about contacting and finding women to connect with. He tells me he wants to be with me and marry me and at the same time has very intimate conversations, chats, and texting with these women. He has gradually grown distant and blames me and the funk that I'm in, never once taking into account his own actions and maybe considering he could be the one throwing our relationship in a funk.
By nature I have a strong intuitive sense and I do not snoop or spy on people, however, since he is so secretive about who is texting him furiously as I am sitting next to him or who is calling that he won't answer, that feeling of something is not right bubbles up in my gut.
He values his phone so much that he takes it into the bathroom with him when he showers, into the kitchen in his pocket when he is making something to eat, it never never leaves his side...and if I should actually get a glimpse of call or text logs, all of these females I don't know never heard of or ever met are there. He tries to assure me that they are potential clients from the gym or connections with sports promoters or some other bad cover up story - and its all bologna! He used to chat online with women he would find in chat rooms and at one point when I was really making an effort to find a solution, I agreed to go into chat with him. He was looking for women to be part of our relationship! in both and emotional way and a sexual way. I was left feeling horrible, not worthy, not beautiful, just not good enough.
he just will not stop and he doesn't seem to take my feelings into account and is now suspecting me of doing the same things he is doing - I talk to no one not even girl freinds much since he has put a time bomb in my head about one of my girl friends maybe being attracted to me in a bisexual way. he manipulates the guilt he feels onto me and I fear I am not strong enough to keep going through this. I ask him if he will go to counseling and he says he will. Well he is out of town until January and the madness is still happening. The cell phone bill always tells me his activity :(

This "emotional cheating" is very new to me. I always lumped cheating as just that, CHEATING!! I have been in turmoil for a good 8 years now I guess. I actually caught my boyfriend cheating in a car in parking lot once. I forgave him. NO ACTUALLY FORGAVE MYSELF!! I am not perfect. I've had money problems, didnt finish school, lived at home still when 24, always fancy free (do what I want when I want, dont really have anyone telling me when wrong is way too wrong, you know what I mean?), always had someone (family member, or my boyfriend) to help pick up the pieces when I messed up. So when i caught him, at the time I probably did something and felt I deserved it. Well we had it out and talked things out I guess and went on doing "us" after about 3 mos of hateness.
But thats not the problem, my boyfriend has more "girl" friends than the lord allows. The girl referenced above IS actually in that category. Noticed I said is, but will get to that later! Well he is a very sensitive, kind, compassionate, caring and always wanting to help kind of guy. And I have talked with him about this and how girls will use this to sleep with him. At first I thought he was totally naive but since we have been together 10yrs and I;ve had the "class" on the issues more than a few times, I think he is now manipulating me. I'm not stupid, I've seen the cell phone (he has two for work purposes by the way), I've seen his emails and recently his myspace and facebook. And not he did not give passwords, we share HIS computer and he left it up. Well I broke up with him because during one of our "not sure we should even be together" fazes, I wa very very close to cheating. I was actually having the emotional affair as described in the article. I DID NOT sleep with this guy, but I also broke up with my boyfriend for a year. We got back to together Jan of this year and I am still having the too many girls that are closer to him thsn me. He's actually told me that one (that he knew from growing up) will never go anywhere!! but I recently found out that he has had some type of contact with the infamous car lay. I found myself out of work recently and then my car broke down, and he really went balistic thinking we just signed a year's lease and he going to be hung out to dry again. I get unemployment and agressively seeking work, I discuss and show him this daily. BUT DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS? HOW DO I APPROACH HIM? HOW DO I START IT? he gets angry easily!

Nice and informative article!

This article is ridiculous and advocates being jealous of your spouse/mate for having a personal life outside of you.

Signs of Emotional Cheating

Emotional cheating happens when you:

**Discuss your partner and relationships with your “friend.” You share your fears, hopes, and dreams (this is emotional intimacy).

Sometimes you need advice or to talk to someone other than your partner. This is not cheating, it's a friendship.

**Meet your “friend” for dinner or lunch without telling your partner.
What does it matter if you eat lunch with someone else and not your partner? That's silly.

**Keep your computer, files, and internet sites password-protected.
It's called privacy. A healthy relationship has boundaries.

**Stay in regular, intimate contact with ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Emotional cheating can spring from close relationships with past lovers.
It's possible to be friends with ex-boyfriends. It's called being mature. Just because the intimate relationship didn't work out doesn't mean you cant be close in other ways.

I have been married for 15 years the last 6 months ive noticed my husband has been making small remarks like youre not in love with me are you how come we dont kiss like we used to i didnt think anything about it i said of course im in love with you but ive been real stressed with the kids and work he came home and said i love u but im not in love with u anymore im in love with someone else we havent cheated or talked about being together but i feel a strong connection the girl doesnt know how i feel but i can tell the way she looks at me that she feels something too he wants to leave us for the feeling of a connection what do i say or do i know he loves me i think its an emotional bond we have talked and he is staying for the kids and to try to get things right again between us how can i cope with feeling second best i have lost respect for him because he was so willing to leave the kids for a feeling of a connection any advice please

Well, the fact that your husband chose to stay and work on your marriage is huge! My advice is to focus on his commitment to and love for you and your kids....he DIDN'T leave, and he is choosing to love his family!

And, in addition to focusing on his choice to stay, I suggest you focus on your future together. Not the past. Focus on becoming more connected emotionally, spending time together, remembering what brought you together in the first place, and building a strong happy relationship. You need to find ways to bring love back in your marriage, so you're both happy.

You've been married for 15 years -- don't throw it away by focusing on a problem that you both want to overcome. Instead, focusing on rebuilding your love and trust for each other.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Do men ever come back after they emotionally cheat on you? We have been together 6 years, he started acting very distant 2 weeks before he ended it with me. Before that things seemed fine, I had no idea we were in this bad of shape in our relationship. He says we became more like friends and he dosen't love me anymore. Just realized it a couple weeks ago. He met her at work and they have been talking for a few months about our relationship and hers, she is married with kids. He never came to me about our relationship. He says her husband is in jail, and he is a really bad guy. I know he wasn't with her other than at work, and contact over the net. He is almost acting like he dosen't know why I am so upset. Like we got tattoos together while he knew he was ending it with me. I took it as a bonding experience while he just wanted a tattoo.
I feel like he didn't think I loved him, I withdrew from sex, got very lazy, acted like a friend to him, I pushed him away. I told him how I felt, that I could have worked on things that were wrong. He didn't give us a chance and it wasn't fair. I told him that too. I told him that I had so much love for him that I could have given him, but he didn't give me a chance. If I would have known things were this bad I would have showed him how much he meant to me. I didn't think it was that bad cause I thought he was just being his usual non worrying lazy self and didn't worry about our relationship.

Is there a chance? I told him these things in a calm manner, with tears but I was calm. I told him he was my everything, my life, my rock. He left after I told him these things but he will be back sometime this week. I don't know how to deal with knowing what went wrong with us and it hurts that I didn't get a chance with him to change these things. All were very changable. I am going to give him lots of space when he is living here as roomates with me, I am going to change for myself cause I needed to anyway. I feel hopeless.

I'm sorry that your relationship is faltering - my heart goes out to you. It's a devastating feeling, I know.

Yes, couples can reunite after breaking up or if one partner has an emotional affair....but I can't predict if you and he will get back together. If he's not willing to work on your relationship with you, then it doesn't seem likely that you will reconcile. I'm sorry to say that.

Maybe, if he's given time and space, he'll decide that he does want to give your relationship a chance. That happens often enough!

Good luck, and I'm sad for your broken heart.

Laurie

After my husband telling me he isnt in love with me anymore but he loves me he said he loves someone else all he can do is think about her nothing else they havent been togeter or discussed it but he feels that strong that she is his soulmate chance of a life time He decided he wanted to leave we have children together i informed him that if he leaves i wont take him back when it doesnt work out and that im not going to stay and watch him in a new relationship and me and the girls were going to move to a larger town so we can get on with our lives and that i could have a chance of getting a better job or a feeling of starting over i explained he can come see the girls whenever so he decided to stay not to work things out with us but to be near the girls but we have tried to get it back on the right track in the mean time but how much can i take knowing he is in love with someone else when we have sex he said he thinks about her and he is thinking about her more and more its not getting any easier for him or me what do i do please any advice he is here for the kids only and my feelings just keep getting walked over more and more for the sake of the kids i dont matter anywhere here im not getting anything in return just giving help please

I recently found out that my husband of only 3.5 years reconnected with an old girlfriend thanks to Facebook. I saw chats that seemed inappropriate to me. They were pushing the limit between friendship and emotional infidelity. I've confronted him and he apologized for hurting me and agreed that if the situation were reversed he would not have appreciated all the chats, phone conversations and secrecy. He agreed not to contact her anymore. How do I begin to trust him again? I can't get over it and although it seems like they haven't contacted each other, how can I believe that he has truly cut her off?

You need to put it behind you, because if you act with jealousy and insecurity, you'll drive a wedge between you two. Marriages are plagued with "a thousand tiny hurts" -- and to prevent those hurts from wrecking your relationship, you need to forgive and let it go.

How do you trust him again? Stop nourishing your hurt and fears. Focus on the fact that he admitted he made a mistake, he's stopped his relationship with her, and he's dedicated to you. Don't set yourself and him up for a rough road by dwelling on his mistake!

Good luck -- it's hard, but that's marriage.....I've been married for 3.5 years too, by the way :-) It's great - I love being married -- but great relationships take alot of work.

Laurie

Thank you Laurie for your advice but I also just recently (after posting my comment) that he had been married before. He had been lying to me about it. I feel like a fool. He said it doesn't change anything about how much he loved me, blah blah blah but there is the issue of trust again. Should I just let it go so we can move on with our lives or is there some deeper problem here? First there's the boarderline emotional cheating with ex girlfriend now there's information about a previous marriage...

Mine is similar to the one above. I caught mine with a secret my space account and there were inapprpriate comments both emotional and sexual between him and his one only friend -a girl he used to talk to. He claims that he called her the very next day and told her to stop. But I will never really know if he really did. How do you know if this is only a glimpse of what is to come? Everything he tells me about the whole thing feels like a lie.

My boyfriend has a relationship with a female friend that definitely crosses the lines of appropriateness. I have confronted him about it; he insists that they are just friends and that there is nothing wrong with how they act. Most of the inappropriateness is on the female friends end: she'll address emails to him with "hey sexy" and once wrote that she's "sending him kisses on his neck". I've become really paranoid and have resorted to sneaking through his texts and emails. We're trying to work through a rough patch in our relationship but he insists that she means a lot to him, as all his friends do, and that he doesn't see what his relationship with her has to do with our relationship. I recently found out that he's been going to her for advice about his job and has only told me in a few words what his problems are (work-related). There are so many more examples of their inappropriateness. How do I get him to see that his friendship is not appropriate? What do you do when the person you're with doesn't think they're cheating on you?

My husband is having an emotional affair, at the very least. A few months our intimate life decreased, he started working out (he does this off and on) and being extremely secretive about his phone and computer. I blew it off until he received a call late night. I didn't answer it (I regret it until this day) but I did confront him about it (he was sleep). He stated that it was someone who he dated in the past who called him out of the blue and didn't know he was married. This was the first red flag. Well, I started becoming suspicious and gained access to his email. I found what I was looking for and more. He flirts with a woman who paid him no mind when he was single (this is what he basically said to the woman), he took another woman to "our" restaurant for lunch, and worst off he was emailing a woman everyday referring to her as his "sunshine" and telling her he's been thinking about her with a rose symbol (he's never done this for me). He left her an address for a hotel (I know I'm being dumb about it but I couldn't figure out if it was for a fling or work conference as she is an ex co-worker). It simply said he's the address for Monday. I felt very hurt and betrayed by this so we fought often. I accussed him but never gave him my source as I didn't want to be cut off from my information source. It was through his flirtatious emails that I found out what he thought was wrong about our relationship. He has denied it until this day. I tried to forgive and move on knowing that he is not telling the truth. Also during the time when he wrote the emails everyday he was constantly telling me what was wrong with me and when I told him what I thought was wrong with us he would tell me "You can go" or "If you don't like it then leave." We've been married for a little less than three years and he's never been this way. I recently found out that half of his passwords are in "sunshine's" name! She's married and older than him by 2 or 3 years. She has grandkids! And we don't even have any kids together. Therefore, even though I only have circumstantial evidence of the physical cheating, I know that he was "all in" emotionally and he won't tell me the truth about it. He agreed to counseling but before the counseling we recently had a big fight...I told him I knew there was someone and now he acts as if he's mad at me. I love him dearly but I dont know how to trust him. Will counseling work in a situation where someone refuse to tell the truth?

Yes, counseling can work even in a situation where he refuses to tell the truth -- unless you've already been in couples counseling for years, and it hasn't gone anywhere. It's definitely worth a try, because if he's at least willing to see a counselor with you, it means he's willing to work on your relationship.

Hopefully, the counselor will help him see how destructive emotional cheating is, and how important it is for your husband to be honest with you. I can't predict the future, but I commend you for going to counseling -- and I encourage you to listen to his or her advice with both ears.

Good luck, and come back anytime to let me know how things are going!

Laurie

Emotional Infidelity: First the Marrige like carrige ride on equal partnership, trust, faithfullness and honesty. My friend Terry told me once about cheating, his advise was " Do not put your candle in fire and prey Lord not to melt it." that means do not start an affair, knowingly it will destroy what you already have.

Second: Use a particular time in a day eithier Coffee or after dinner to seat down and talk about issue, sex, help around the house, finance your goals, your problems, family reletionship what ever you want to bring your partner on same page you are on.

third: always have rule of engagments, no fight, no name calling, no threats, no loud voice laced with anger if any of this happen end the session and resume only after few miniuts of cooling off.

When you took vow to walk with a person on the road of happy life to spend long time until death make sure the road is sweap and clean on daily basis. Dushyant D. Banker ddbanker24@Yahoo.com

To end affair simply take outside help and both partner should help each other to understand reason and cause for all this and work on root problem together. My persoal affair was ended with divine help by asking for Lord's help because I am weaker than I thought I was and it worked well last 10 years I am clean and stright.

im having this problem with my boyfriend of six years he is talking to another lady on the side they seem to think its ok .She is my neibor of all things .

Lately, my husband has been on the internet for many hours at from night till the wee hours of the morning (at times up to 5 am) before he sleeps. Whenever I question him about it, he tells me that he's under tremendous stress and needs space to do his stuff (facebook texas hold'em poker). I found out that he has started having many poker buddies (most of them are women) and I told him out right that I didn't like it. Since I had access to his password I deleted his women buddies and he got really mad with me. Shouted at me. Was I wrong to delete his buddies? He told me I shouldn't have acted that way. I pleaded to him that I feel very insecure whenever he does that. He told me "he'll do even more to make me so". What does that mean? Is he already cheating on me and has no more love for me? How can one who loves you, do on purpose to hurt that person?
Now, he has created new user ID for his facebook and is still continuing with the activities till late at night.

I'm sorry to hear that things have spiraled downwards with your husband! But, rest assured that many relationships go through awkward, painful stages - and sometimes come out stronger.

It may have been a mistake to delete his buddies from his account -- even if you disagree with who he plays with. As adults, we need to be able to control our own lives (including our game accounts), and to have someone go in to your stuff and make changes is disruptive and even enraging. It does cross the line, I believe.

But it's not too late to make things right! Pick a time to sit down and talk with him, calmly and without tears, anger, or blame. Explain how his actions make you feel -- and really listen when he tells you how your actions made him feel. Try and work together to figure out a way that he can de-stress without disrupting your marriage, or wandering into the "emotinal infidelity" minefield.

This is just my opinion - it's not psychological advice! I don't know you or your husband, so can't offer anything other than my thoughts on better communication and healthy relationships.

Good luck,

Laurie

thanks to this article ive been able to figure that my boyfriend has been emotionally cheating on me for the past year. it will be fun kicking him to the curb!

On march of 2000 my sons father and i started going out. i was 15, he 17. we had 2 great years of a relationship. i lost friends and family didnt approve, but i was happy and didn care. sex life was great. then what i believe was the match that lit the fire, his dad was verbally and turned into physically abusive with his mom. his parents divorced when he was 17. he started acting angry towards his mom, then me. basically, this articale showed me some very important things... one is that it started as an emotional affair. i couldnt have sex with a guy i was afraid of.. he threw things around, punched holes in walls, and more, i became afraid(especially by hat time i was still only 17)... and my advice for anger issues is for the girl(or guy) to leave and never look back unless he agrees for help and he does not do it again!!! i started confiding in peers, people from school, friends of my sisters. we broke up after one of his displays, i had an affair and never told him, we got back together, that cycle continued. i was comfortable with him and thoughti loved him. in my senior year of HS i met my new best friend. i confided in her, what a mistake. she made me feel he deserved to flat out be cheated on. i did. it was my fault. in total, since i was 15 i had been with about 10 guys, half while we were broken up, half while we were together. mostly thinking i NEED to get over him. i became pregnant in january of 2006. when i was 5 motnhs pregnant, i noticed flirting between my sons father(who i had admitted at that point to cheating only once or twice), and the best friend. when i was 7 motnhs pregnant, he suddenly had her name tattooed to his right forearm. during those couple months they denied it, then it was obvious. they are now engaged shes pregnant, child support is battle, and i believe it started confiding in others about my relationship issues basically behind his back, it should be left to the pros if it really irks you! never thought i'd be a single mom, but must say am extremely happy with my wonderful son. Now, this is my problem with all that happened,I get feelings of resentment still and its hard to stay faithful, i find it so alluring any guy that "just listens" to me then I "love" them. are there any "exercises" that can be done with my current love to keep me away from doing anything i will regret even with all the animocity towards men?? Is there something I need to hear? Iknow complicated. IF YOU FEEL TRUST IS LOST GET IT BACK RIGHT AWAY

On march of 2000 my sons father and i started going out. i was 15, he 17. we had 2 great years of a relationship. i lost friends and family didnt approve, but i was happy and didn care. sex life was great. then what i believe was the match that lit the fire, his dad was verbally and turned into physically abusive with his mom. his parents divorced when he was 17. he started acting angry towards his mom, then me. basically, this articale showed me some very important things... one is that it started as an emotional affair. i couldnt have sex with a guy i was afraid of.. he threw things around, punched holes in walls, and more, i became afraid(especially by hat time i was still only 17)... and my advice for anger issues is for the girl(or guy) to leave and never look back unless he agrees for help and he does not do it again!!! i started confiding in peers, people from school, friends of my sisters. we broke up after one of his displays, i had an affair and never told him, we got back together, that cycle continued. i was comfortable with him and thoughti loved him. in my senior year of HS i met my new best friend. i confided in her, what a mistake. she made me feel he deserved to flat out be cheated on. i did. it was my fault. in total, since i was 15 i had been with about 10 guys, half while we were broken up, half while we were together. mostly thinking i NEED to get over him. i became pregnant in january of 2006. when i was 5 motnhs pregnant, i noticed flirting between my sons father(who i had admitted at that point to cheating only once or twice), and the best friend. when i was 7 motnhs pregnant, he suddenly had her name tattooed to his right forearm. during those couple months they denied it, then it was obvious. they are now engaged shes pregnant, child support is battle, and i believe it started confiding in others about my relationship issues basically behind his back, it should be left to the pros if it really irks you! never thought i'd be a single mom, but must say am extremely happy with my wonderful son. Now, this is my problem with all that happened,I get feelings of resentment still and its hard to stay faithful, i find it so alluring any guy that "just listens" to me then I "love" them. are there any "exercises" that can be done with my current love to keep me away from doing anything i will regret even with all the animocity towards men?? Is there something I need to hear? Iknow complicated. IF YOU FEEL TRUST IS LOST GET IT BACK RIGHT AWAY

My boyfriend and I have recently gotten back together. We dated for over a year, then broke up for a year. He has been very honest with me about everything in his past, including information about one of his best friends who is a female. Apparently he was sleeping with her for a brief period of time several years ago while he was in an unsatisfying relationship. He claims he wanted to be with this girl that he slept with at the time and swears he is no longer interested and hasn't been for quite some time. That is what I was told 2 and a half years ago and they were very close friends. Well, they still are very close friends. And after reading the information on the website I feel like all of my 'jealousy' that I always felt and continue to feel is explained. I have found myself looking through his phone to see how often he talks to her, I know it's at least several times a week because they claim to be "best friends" and she also works part time one night a week where he works. I don't think she is a bad person and she is in a committed relationship with someone also. I don't know how to confront this, I don't want to make him think I disrespect his friendships or ties to others, but I want to feel like the most important woman and partner in his life. I don't want to feel concerned that our private relationship will always be disclosed to her or that he values her opinions over mine because I know he has gone to her for advice on many things before. I am so lost and don't know how to deal with this. Please help.

You're right to want to feel like the most important person in your boyfriend's life. This is a difficult dilemma - and I definitely don't have all the answers!

It's hard to know what to do when you're in the middle of a situation and you don't have an objective viewpoint. And, I can't be objective because I only know your perception of events. I'd suggest sitting down with a counselor or someone older than you who has lots of life experience and wisdom. You need to talk this through with someone who can help you see where things are being derailed in your relationship.

If your boyfriend is maintaining a friendship that bothers you (and I think if he really loves and respects you, he'd reconsider that friendship because it hurts you), then you need to decide how to live with it, or how to leave him. In healthy relationships, both partners work together to build each other up. They give each other trust, respect, forgiveness, and the benefit of the doubt.

I don't know if his friendship is overboard, or if you're extremely insecure. That's why an objective viewpoint is helpful.....you need someone to help you figure out what's going wrong! And then you need to take care of it.

Good luck -- and do let me know how it goes. Sorry I don't have all the answers....

Laurie

My wife started going to the local gym and met a man whom I guess she started to like talking to. She would go every night at the same time and they would always talk while on the treadmill. She then started even going when both out kids were at a function one night a week and we could have some alone time. It still kills me that she would choose this man over me during that time would could spend alone. Then it appearently turned into talking on the telephone. They would call each other back and forth all day and talk for sometimes hours. Again this is still killing me. I found out about the relationship and she swore that she would quit talking to him because she loved me so much. That lasted about a week or so then I found out that she was talking to him again - just more secretively. She has now said that she won't do it anymore - again. How do I trust her and believe that she won't do it again??? We have two beautiful kids that I can't stand the thought of not having both mom and dad around for them but if she does it to me again I don't think I have another option. What do you think - will she do this again to me? I just feel dead inside. And what hurts even worse - she told me that it made her feel alive to talk to him. Now that is pain folks!

I am sorry for you -- and you're right, it is very painful to hear that someone else makes your partner feel alive.

While I can't predict if she'll continue talking to him, I do suggest you and she figure out why she's looking for an emotional connection outside your marriage. Getting to the root of the problem is a much more effective way to stop the symptoms of the problem!

I don't know if the two of you can talk it through yourselves (without a counselor), but you need to calmly discuss what may be missing in your marriage, or what she needs that she's trying to get from someone else. If you can't get anywhere just discussing this together, I suggest seeing a couples counselor who can help you connect again.

As far as rebuilding trust....it takes time, and it is different for everybody. Some people find books about overcoming infidelity helpful, while others take workshops or couples retreats. The most important thing is that both individuals are committed to the relationship....and the way to figure that out is to learn what the root of the problem is.

I wish you all the best -- physical and emotional infidelity is hard on a marriage, but it CAN be overcome!

Laurie

I am sorry for you -- and you're right, it is very painful to hear that someone else makes your partner feel alive.

While I can't predict if she'll continue talking to him, I do suggest you and she figure out why she's looking for an emotional connection outside your marriage. Getting to the root of the problem is a much more effective way to stop the symptoms of the problem!

I don't know if the two of you can talk it through yourselves (without a counselor), but you need to calmly discuss what may be missing in your marriage, or what she needs that she's trying to get from someone else. If you can't get anywhere just discussing this together, I suggest seeing a couples counselor who can help you connect again.

As far as rebuilding trust....it takes time, and it is different for everybody. Some people find books about overcoming infidelity helpful, while others take workshops or couples retreats. The most important thing is that both individuals are committed to the relationship....and the way to figure that out is to learn what the root of the problem is.

I wish you all the best -- physical and emotional infidelity is hard on a marriage, but it CAN be overcome!

Laurie

hi,
I just found out by coincidence that my boyfriend of 2.5 years, has been hitting on a girl at work for more than 3 years. He was sending her mails, staying at work a bit later to talk to her, and even copied pictures from facebook to his computer. Even before he started dating me, he checked with her again if she really didnt wanted to go out with him. The day I found out, I broke up with him. He's now saying that he is really sorry, and that he realizes that I am the one for him. But should I trust him again? or does he just want to be with me cause she doesnt want him?
What to do..

That's a tough question! Only you can decide if you can trust him again after emotional cheating....and nobody but him can say for sure what his motivations are (and sometimes people don't even know their own motivations!). It can be really difficult to rebuild a relationship after a betrayal -- you have to be totally committed to making it work.

Do you want to give him a second chance? Can you put the past behind you, and forgive and trust him? Or, will his attraction to her always bother you?

Trust your gut, my friend.

Well the way I look at it is, looking at a woman or man on TV ,even in person can get u in trouble.If u have a thought of doing something or dreaming of the other people besides your loved one u have. The problem is that everyone things of one time or another about a person. The question is do you act on them , then its cheating. If looking is then we all cheat one time or another and if you say you don't your lying.I believe in the good in most people to make the right decisions.

Well the way I look at it is, looking at a woman or man on TV ,even in person can get u in trouble.If u have a thought of doing something or dreaming of the other people besides your loved one u have. The problem is that everyone things of one time or another about a person. The question is do you act on them , then its cheating. If looking is then we all cheat one time or another and if you say you don't your lying.I believe in the good in most people to make the right decisions.

I've been dating someone who was involved with a married women for 4 years ... they broke up 10 years ago, she is the only women he's asked to marry (and yes she was married - so he was engaged to a married women) He led me believe they barely talk... just found out they were talking on a weekly basis and he was sharing details about our relationship to her... he told her 1st that he was falling in love with me months before he ever shared it with me and he said he did this out of spite (to her) ... Just last night he told me he doesn't want to make a commitment until the relationship is PERFECT. Well of course I threw in the towel becuase no relationship is ever perfect. He of course doesn't see any problem in sharing the intimate details of our relationship with this ex girlfriend (oh and I found a take of them fooling around that he still had around the house) Help!

I suspected my husband cheating on me and recently found e-mails from a girl he claim was his friend before we even met and I had no idea about. He talked about how he made a mistake of marrying me and the only reason was beause I reminded him of her. How stupid does this sound. He even sends her money without my knowledge and when I asked him about it, he apologized and told me the other girl was going through a tough time and he tried to make her feel better. I lost all trust for him since then and unfortunately for me I found out after I came back from visiting my family. It has been going on for a long time until he accidently left his e-mail open and I found everything they talked about. I am very hurt and everyday I try not to think about it but it is hard knowing the person you love is cheating emotionally with someone else. He promised he will not do that again but lately my gut feeling is telling me he has started chatting with her but I am not sure because he changed his password and everthing!!!
By worried girl!!!

i have been married for almost 6 years now and have 2 wonderful children. For the last year or more though my wife has been incredibly distant to me and for much of that time has been refusing to have sex with me. There just seems to be alot of built up anger in her that nothing i can do will make go away. Anyhow, ive been kind of suspicious of her for the last while, and she left her messenger open the one day... for some reason i still cant really explain i felt the intense urge to read the history between her and one of her guy friends. what i read shocked me. LOTS of sexual innuendo and stuff that i just couldnt believe. Naturally i confronted her with them, and she says its all just a running joke between them because his younger brother would always spy on his messages so they were giving him something to read. Personally im not ok with that, as the messages REALLY went overboard, and im finding it very hard to trust her. But at the same time, she's now VERY mad at me for reading any of her personal messages and is saying i completely violated her trust and broke her heart by doing so (and by accusing her of cheating based on what i read) --- my question is-- was i way out of line here? or was this definitely emotional cheating, and even if joking, was so far crossing the line it was not appropriate (as i said-- lots of talk about sex and stuff)
of course, lots more to the story but thats the very short version of it, and sad to say seems divorce in rearing its ugly head in the near future if things dont change quick :(

All though this is a very informative article, in believe this could create a form of hysteria... it does not say anything about legitimate male/female friendships... Not EVERY opposite sex friendship should be seen as "cheating"... I find it ridiculous and frankly rather sexist. Most woman have BEST friends (usually other woman)that they share EVERYTHING with and that is ok... But Gawd forbid a male and a female form the same type of bond. My best friend is a male, we msg each other probably twice a week or more (we are both married). Our families have met and spent time together, and we all get along great... both him and I were VERY concerned about our spouse feelings through out our friendship. And both understood how difficult it must be for them to understand the logistics of it... Male female friendships are not at all conventional and this article enforces the reasons that we are constantly concerned that people in general will mistake our relationship for something that it isn't. I truly value what we have with each other and am saddened that society in general thinks so Badly of it. I think it will be a wonderful day when Men and Women can be friends without the GLARING public eye and it Biases

My husband of 18 years was recently caught in a relationship online with a girl he went to school with. He asked for a divorce we fought and decided to stay together the next day I caught him with her. We are trying to work it out but he thinks I should be over it already. And even says I need medication because there is something wrong with me. He doesn't talk to her anymore but he does have other female friends and doesn't understand why I don't trust him. He says he was talking to her because i was not taking care of him.....ADVISE?

If you want to make your marriage work, you and your husband need to sit down with a counselor and figure out how to communicate in a healthy way. Saying "you need medication" isn't helpful, and just causes more arguing and pain!

Your relationship problems can't be solved unless the two of you are wiling to sit down together and work them out -- as a couple. He needs to recognize what emotional cheating is (it's more than just being friends with someone of the opposite sex), and you need to learn how to rebuild trust and move forward in a healthful way.

Can you consider couples counseling? There are other ways to rebuild a health marriage: workshops, books, retreats -- but you need to do those things together. If you're doing all the work, and he's not committed to making your marriage work, then it's not a healthy, dynamic relationship.

I wish you all the best -- marriage can be hard even at the best of times! I hope your husband is willing to focus on you and your relationship.

Take care,
Laurie

so what is wrong with beings friends w/female classmates, strictly platonic!!!!! just because you go to school w/them & @ least your being perfectly honest w/your wife!!!!

Hello, this article and the comments makes one believe they are not alone. I found this site about 3 days after I found out my wife was talking secretly to a ex boyfriend. We have been married for almost 20 years and have beatiful children. This all started with her seeking out a ex boyfriend on facebook. They reconnected and escalated to talking on the phone all the time behind my back. This went on for 2 months with her leaving the room multiple times. I never checked on her before but after I caught her on the phone after midnight instead of being in bed with me. At first she lied and made me feel like I was the bad guy for checking on her. I went to bed and woke up with a desire that something didn't add up. I checked again and figured out all where lies. It took 3 days after and I almost leaving until I heard what was the truth. I am still not sure if all is truely on the table but I couldn't continue to press any more. She says she only loves me and doesn't understand why she was so wrapped up in his life and talked with him more than me for those 2 months. She explained she didn't want to hurt me that is why she kept it a secret. This all lead to me thinking the worst. I believe this was an emotional affair.
I have his # and know who he is. I also forwarded multiple text messages to my phone that I thought were between 2 people dating more than friends. It still hurts and I haven't forgiven her yet because I am not ready but I am close. My wife and I have reconnected over the past 4 weeks like we haven't in years. It has been really nice and has made things easier.
I do throw a few zingers at her occasionally. I am trying to control myself but it is hard not to throw things back in her face and I know I can't do this anymore. She is working on us and I am doing the same but it still hurts.
I did forbid her to talk with him anymore and showed her this article and others I found. I don't want to be like that and explained It feels wrong to say "I forbid you" but in this case it is necessary.
On day one she called him and told him all contact needed to stop. Things have been quiet for a month and he recently contacted her through her work email. She told me he only had her home email and cell(another lie or she just forgot?). But she did come to me and told me he contacted her again and hasn't responded. I want to respond to him together.
I want to take it one step further and call him. Not to be mean but to let him know I am commited to her and she to me. Please lose the number and email and have a good life. My question is should I call him? My wife does not want me to talk with him. And why doesn't she?

Please help, Laurie 7 all!
After reading all the posts, I still have to ask what's the best thing for me do with my situation....I'm in a relationship with this guy for 11 yrs. now and ever since we met, he was already part of this msg. board where he posts as this character when he has free time at work and at home. I work graveyard and he works days and we see each other on the same days off that we have. He said that it's all an act when he types and use the internet.(they think he's funny and popular esp. to women). I know what his email password is, until recently there's this girl who sent him her picture and started to open up to him about her life since they are buds. I saw pix and read all about her but I didn't tell him that I knew about it. I was just giving him a hint that if he has secrets just let me know. He mentioned other characters on the boards that he said he rec'd email from but not this particular one. He even took out these emails that they were chatting about and the last thing he told her was to send to another email addy if ever she has to email him again. Is this something that will end up as an emotional cheating? He wants to hear from me who is this that i'm accusing him of internet affair, should i tell him what i've known? or wait until he admits? He tells me that I'm jealous of nothing after all these years it's all an act. Thanks and please help! I'll appreciate all ur comments.

i have been on both sides...the one involved in an emotional affair, and the one dealing with an emotional affair. neither are fun. my dealing with an emotional affair, which i completely believe was physical too...resulted in my becoming emotionally involved with others outside of my relationship. the truth be known...it reallys isn't a true relationship. committments involve individuals who respect one another...when one disrespects the other so blatently, even after it is pointed out...and ignored...eventually the other begins to disrespect the relationship too. i felt guilty in the beginning...but i don't now. there is some sort of clarity that comes with that realization. why do i remain? probably for the same reason they do...the alternative is not any better, comfort, children involved. all just excuses, yes...but i do know that someday i will be able to walk away and never even glance back over my shoulder. it may be wrong to have this kind of affair...but in an effort to maintain some sort of sanity...i seriously think it is more wrong to trust someone who has done nothing but proven it isn't deserved. i enjoyed the article...but just wanted to give my opinion. it isn't for everyone...but for some...like me...is a life preserver.

I'm not sure what "just an act" means! He's just pretending to be interested in these women? That's not reassuring. He's leading people on for fun. Yes, that's emotional cheating - and it's cruel, too.

The bottom line: do you trust him? If not, then you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust, with someone who disregards your feelings about his associations with other women.

Is that something you want?

Hi Laurie,
I have been in a relationship for 5 years, my boyfriend proposed me just one week before I met this man, I said yes reluctantly when he asked me. I always was not certain if he is the one. I tried to break up with him a few times (less than a week each time) and got back together and here we are 5 years of long term relationship.
Anyway I met this guy who I feel so connected to while I went abroad for work trip, he is literally my colleugue who lives in other country. It felt so right we flirted a couple of days when we first met then just the last few days before we finished the conference, I invited him to my room for a chat (I never cheat on my boyfriend ever before). Anyway we ended up having a cozy foreplay, almost having sex but we did not. Later on I found so many things wrong about the new man, he is very emotional and we had many arguments on little silly things.
Now I am back at home facing the realiaty, I am still fighting hard with my complex feeling, I dont want to tell my boyfriend of what happened but I have this guilt in me that would never go away and it hurts, and I am not sure if I want to marry my boyfriend or not since I was brave to cheat on him.
Please help.
Mola

Hi Laurie,
I have been in a relationship for 5 years, my boyfriend proposed me just one week before I met this man, I said yes reluctantly when he asked me. I always was not certain if he is the one. I tried to break up with him a few times (less than a week each time) and got back together and here we are 5 years of long term relationship.
Anyway I met this guy who I feel so connected to while I went abroad for work trip, he is literally my colleugue who lives in other country. It felt so right we flirted a couple of days when we first met then just the last few days before we finished the conference, I invited him to my room for a chat (I never cheat on my boyfriend ever before). Anyway we ended up having a cozy foreplay, almost having sex but we did not. Later on I found so many things wrong about the new man, he is very emotional and we had many arguments on little silly things.
Now I am back at home facing the realiaty, I am still fighting hard with my complex feeling, I dont want to tell my boyfriend of what happened but I have this guilt in me that would never go away and it hurts, and I am not sure if I want to marry my boyfriend or not since I was brave to cheat on him.
Please help.
Mola

Maybe you should put your engagement and wedding on hold for a few months, or even a year, while you settle your feelings. If you keep forging ahead without being certain that you don't want to marry this man, then you'll end up doing alot of damage to both yourself and him!

I'd suggest you share your fears and doubts with your boyfriend. Many people have insecurities about getting married -- and if you can't talk about your worries and anxieties with your partner, then you may not be with the right person.

Putting your wedding on hold for a few month gives you time to talk it through with him, and figure out if getting married is the best step for you.

Let me know how it goes...and best wishes! By the way, it's better to have doubts now than after you have kids and a life together...

I'm the Guest of April 24th.

Thanks, I know you've asked me if this is the relationship that I want? Not really but I still haven't made a decision. Lately, I've been hiding from him about me being in debt and not able to pay due to gambling, should I still tell him that when he's still not admitting to me about that e-mail and pix that he received from this woman poster on the msg. board which I gave him a hint already that I know about it when I read it from his email and asked him why is he protecting information from someone that he doesn't really know and if he thinks he's special when she opened up to him and now they're always chatting. He would tell me that this person lives long distance and it's not likely that they will meet each other just like that! As far as my case, I've been honest to him over 10yrs. of our relationship, we have our ups and downs, except for just for 3yrs now I'm hiding this issue with me which I've hidden not just from him but from everyone. Please help! Thanks!

Gee. It feels so good to have another friend that you can be mentally stimulated with. I love the man I married and I love my friendship with my business partner. Just wanting to make sure this feeling of "excitement" will settle and become healthy and balanced. I've Been looking for a business partner for years, finally found one.. I'm estatic but now wondering if my enthusiasm is mixed with "emotional affair". Such a drag.

my husband and I started off as an affair. We have been together for over 10yrs and have a son. Four years into our marriage he had a friend he confided in and bought her some jewelry. I confronted and to this day cant admit he had an emotional affair. This tore me apart and I tried moving on but the trust just wasn't there. I went back to work 3 months after giving birth to our son. A co-worker started flirting and sparked a good feeling inside of me. I recipocated and we started an affair. My husband in turn joined an internet dating site and started chatting. He became close to someone and they were planning a trip to the east coast. Before finalizing their trip, he found out of my affair and confronted me. I broke off my affair and openly discussed it with him and answered any questions he had. My husband has not given me the same consideration. I said I would like to discuss his situation. He is very reluctant and he continues to lie. I caught him a a lie when he said he no longer goes on those sites. I checked the computer and found he was still logged on. I have given him many opportunties to come clean but he continues to lie. I don't know how to move on. Why does he continue to lie when I have told him I am here and I will not get upset but if I find out later that he lied again-then I will be very upest.

I’m not sure if I’m a culprit in this stuff. But about late last year, I met this guy at a place we both hung out at. At first we only contacted one another sparsely just to say hello and catch up. Though later on we kind of bonded and now I talk to him nearly everyday and sometimes all day through email, text, or phone. He’s married with a stepchild…and the thing is, there isn’t any real flirting. No sex talk, nothing like that.

He’ll tell me when things are good with his wife and when they’re not..and either way I’ll try and give him the best advice I can to remedy the situation. I don’t sense that he likes me in that way, I think he (we) both like having someone to confide in that is removed from our everyday lives. He’ll text or call me randomly and ask what I’m doing..etc. I really don’t know.

i'm definitely guilty of this, i have been emotionally attached to a married co-worker for 3 years. We have been intimate twice but, it nothing like the emotional bond we share. I've tried to step back a couple of times but each time we find ourselves back where we started. i've even changed jobs and he did also.

had a boyfriend which i was friends with for 7 years.we were in and out of each others lives then one day he called me out of the blue to say happy birthday.we began seeing each other until it became more and more frequent.he kept asking me to be his girlfriend but i'd declined ,something didn't feel right and he was supposed to be moving out of state.long story short we ended up be very serious and i totally fell in love with him,he was my world,i'd do just bout anything for him.til one day he gave me a password for a certain acct.I decided to try that same password for his email and it worked.i found emails from him and his ex-gf early in our relationship,we weren't nearly as serious then but he made tons of lies and even told he wasn't seeing anyone &that he was too busy;all the while asking me to be with him&that he loved me.i believe in my heart to a degree he loved/loves me.But i know i deserve more than to have to sift threw what is/was true and what isn't.I can't stick around to see if he'll change.I love him dearly and it's so hard to stay away but i have to value myself &i owe it to myself.if i don't value myself nobody else will and thats all i can tell myself.I want so badly to just be w/him but can't bring myself to look into his eyes like i once did.To think of him down right bold face lying to me sickens me,but i still love him.but owe it to myself to distance myself,don't know if he'll change,i hope he does,but hope isn't enough.

I used to like a guy about ten years ago. but at that time, he was not willing to marry me.I moved to a different city for job and had a casual affair with an office mate.He was not ready for marriage. but I had an ectopic pregnancy,which somehow forced me to marry him.Now i have two kids. about a month ago, I contacted my ex-BF. He is also now married and staying in another city. We chat on phone, e-mails, messages.i cannot stop myself from conatcting him. but the past one month has been tumultous, I am unable to figure out what to do.Please help me.

Putting all your energy into your family is the best long-term solution -- and perhaps the most difficult, least selfish one. Sure, staying in touch with your ex-boyfriend is exciting and compelling for the short-term -- but it won't create a good life for your kids or husband!

You're living a different life now, and your ex is from a chapter in your past. You CAN stop yourself from contacting him (because you are cheating emotionally on your family) -- and you might need to put some systems in place to help you stay away from him. For instance, tell your best friend, husband, or someone you trust about your ex. Ask your friend if you can phone her instead of your ex when you're tempted. I don't know your husband or your relationship, but it might be good to talk to him about it -- I don't know enough to give you advice, though. I'm just offering possible suggestions.

Another thing to look into is possible post-partum depression. If you recently had children, you may be dealing with hormones and mood swings that have little to do with your ex, and more to do with your changing body. Talk to your doctor, or a post-partum support group. Talk to your friends who've had babies, and who might understand.

Don't struggle through this alone. Focus on loving your family, and get support to help you through!

I wish you all the best, and hope you come back and let me know how you are.

Laurie

Im a little confused as to whether my girlfriend is possibly emotionally cheating or maybe just being a little inconsiderate. She has lots of conversations with guys (mostly through facebook). She does talk to girls in messages, but not nearly as much as with guys. About six months ago I discovered a really long message that she had a few months earlier with some guy she never met. They went into great detail about personal problems and also sexual stuff that the guy had or hadnt experienced. I got extremely upset and we fought about it for a while. She tried to rationalize it by saying that i had access to her account the entire time (which i did but at the time she was talking to him the relationship was still a little too early to be logging onto her facebook the time. Recently, shes been talking more and more with several guys, one of them i have never met. Although most of the conversations seem benign, some I think may be a little innappriopriate. She listens to this one guy (who happens to be friendly acquaintance/friend) about all his personal relationship problem. Although i do have access to the account and i can read most of the messages she has with other guys it still kind of hurts that she has so many personal conversations with other guys. I dont have that kind of support system. Plus she is the jealous type, as am i to a certain extent, and she practically gets upset when i talk in depth with another girl. If i did the same thing she is doing with guys she would be hysterical. Needless to say I feel this is unfair and i have mentioned it several times to her. This almost always starts a fight. She claims that she has always liked guys more than girls, as her relationship with girls hasnt been as good (supposedly, although she does have girlfriends). On the other hand she says I have never had close friendships with girls (which is somewhat true but not completely) and that it would be wierd if i started now. Should i even be jealous about this or feel betrayed in any way, or am i overreacting? I do really love her and i know she loves me but sometimes i feel like she doesnt see how much her actions can make me feel undermined. If someone could reply that would be great. Thanks a lot.

There are several things happening here:

1) Yes, she is emotionally cheating because she's discussing personal, private issues with other men. When you're in a relationship, you need to abide by certain boundaries -- and one of them is saving the heart to hearts for your partner. I don't mean you can't have great, deep, interesting conversations with others....but talking for lengthy amounts about intimate relationships and other personal stuff is pushing boundaries.

I do understand your confusion: she's not hiding it, she doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, and for some reason she needs to do it. That's definitely something worth exploring: why does she need to make emotional connections with others? Maybe she should be a counselor. Seriously, if she really wants to help others deal with their issues or problems, then maybe she should think about it as a profession.

2) There's a double standard in your relationship, which isn't fair to you.

3) If you're uncomfortable with what she's doing but she refuses to stop, then you're not in a strong, committed relationship -- whether or not you love each other. It doesn't matter if the issue is emotional cheating or being a workaholic. If one partner refuses to meet the other partner halfway regarding concerns or requests, then it's not a real, mature love.

I think the bottom line is that you need to decide if you can live with your relationship the way it is, or if you want it to change. If you want it to change but are powerless to do anything (you can't force her to change, as you know. You sound like an extremely reasonable, smart man) -- then you need to let her go. Or, you lower your expectations.

Keep in mind that as much as she insists that nothing's going on, you don't necessarily know what her guy pals are feeling or thinking. For both men and women, opening up your heart to someone else, even if they're taken, can lead to other feelings. Other feelings can lead to suggestions or actions. It just opens people up to all sorts of possible problems.

I hope this helps a little! Sorry I don't have anything happier to say :-) Good luck, and be well.

Laurie

I have learned that my wife of 10 years has been having an emotional affair for the past two months. She accidentally left her facebook page open when I saw an IM from one of our friends that it had been days since their last kiss. When I questioned her about this she, of course denied all of this. Red flags immediately went up. I have never checked on her in the past 10 years but I looked up her cell phone bill only to notice that she had talked with this “friend” over 100 times in the past two months. Their calls to each other were only Monday thru Friday while I was at work. When I questioned her about this she confessed that he had feelings/attractions toward her and they had shared a drunken kiss at a party. She claims she told him she was happily married and there would never be anything between them. After I learned this I asked her to stop all communications with this “friend” and she said she would. She now knows that I looked at her cell phone record so after a week the friend starts calling our house. My wife was probably calling him too but I can’t verify that. She was erasing all caller id’s from him on the phone but she forgot to erase the caller ID from our phone in the basement. That is how I know he had been calling. When I questioned her again, she once again claims that she’s not having an affair, loves only me and all communications with the “friend” would stop. After another week, I found where she had e-mailed him and in the e-mail she forgot to erase told him she would call the next day. When I asked her if she called him that day she once again admitted that they talked but they were only “friends” and she only loves me. I don’t think she realizes that what she is doing is wrong. How do I tell her that she is guilty of an emotional affair? I love her but how many more chances do I give her?

My friends daughter fixed me up with one of her guy friends shes' been friends with since 7th grade. He is 32 and i'm 42. well we hit it off and have been seeing each other for 3 mos now. I've been feeling really insecure though because they talk or text almost daily and i found out that he is flying 1500 miles to drive back with her...she took a temporary job out of state. While i don't talk often to her, her mom is my best friend and we talk every day. She annoys me sometimes and talks about how he calls her "all the time" and all i know to say is yes he is a nice guy. I am not sure how to proceed...i like him a lot but feel like i'm in someones shadow.... is there any advice? Isn't driving her back 1500 miles going over the friendship boundaries? Or am i just being to jealous?

Thanks a lot Laurie. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. For one, my girlfriend wants to becoming a psychiatrist or psychologist based upon her own family background (she grew up with a cousin who is sociopathic and mildly schizophrenic). She really is a good listener which is why people come to her. We actually just had a discussion today and last night about this. It did kind of turn into an argument at several points but we did lay down some foundations. She is upset that I didn't mention this several months ago when she first started contacting my friend about his personal problems. She claims that she can stop discussing matters pertaining to her life, but she cannot simply ask the man to stop messaging her on facebook about his personal problems as she's also a good friend of hers. I have no problem with my girlfriend occasionally discussing a guy's personal problems with him, as long as I have access to the message. On the otherhand, the fact that this guy messages her almost everyday kind of bothers me. I told her this, and she said it would be difficult to stop she doesn't want to abandon someone. Should I possibly message the guy/friend and tell him my concerns, or should I just meet my girlfriend halfway and accept that she helps others with personal issues. Im worried that I would just upset or embarass my girlfriend if I messaged him

I definitely wouldn't message him, unless your girlfriend specifically asks you to get involved. If you do approach him, she'll find out, and she'll be angry (rightfully so). This is her friendship, and she needs to take care of it.

Remember how upset she was that you didn't tell her how you felt about the friendship? Well, I suspect she'd be twice that upset if you contact him.

Once she gets involved in a counseling or psychotherapy career, the last thing she'll want to do is hear personal problems outside of work! :-) I don't know how long in the future that is.....but right now, the best thing would be for you two to meet halfway, so you're both feeling loved, respected, and honored.

It IS such a fine line: emotional infidelity versus helping others. Your girlfriend will have to learn when she's "abandoning someone", versus taking care of her own life and relationships. Sometimes people shoulder too much of other people's burdens -- and it's not healthy for anyone.

I'm glad to hear that she's open to making some changes -- and I wish you the best of luck!

Laurie

Going thru years of physical abuse at the hands of my husband,..I thought we had worked through that but instead of not hitting me anymore he was spending many,many hours on the computer. When he was away on a military tour was when I discovered that he had been writing to a group of women,...a novel writing group,..but they way he would update them on his situation and making it sound to them that he missed me and our children,..he even told them that he preferred talking to the children over the chat because when he's home they're out playing with their friend. THat is all lies. WHile on his tour he chatted with the girls I believe was 2 times and for about 5 minutes. Maybe 10 minutes total but he makes it seem to these other women online that he was chatting with them like regularily. He was also telling this group that he misses me,....but at the same time,..as I discovered a month after his tour was done was that he was actually had been emailing and chatting with another woman he had known from highschool while he was oversees. He apologized and said he was a jerk last year etc. and stopped contact (apparently) with this other woman. He has still 2 email accoutns that he has changed the passwords to and I cannot access them. He's been away for about a month (military) and I am so angry with him. The memories of these letters that I had found with his highschool girlfriend from last fall still pop up in my thoughts as I did photocopy them adn took them to a lawyer so I look at them periodically. To think that we were here worrried about him being there (Afghanistan) and he wasn't really thinking about me at all still really HURTS me. Knowing now that he has been communicating with a novel writing group for about 4 years now and the group consists of about 5 women and my husband with most of his emails directed to Lisa and landies. IT's always this Lisa. For a coupla years or so he's been reviewing her writing and commenting on it and she viewed one of his writing for comments. I NEVER HAD ANY IDEA of this group that he was a part of. Bottom line is is that all these things make a knot in my stomack and should I trust him any longer? Something really died in our relationship when I found these letters from this other woman from last fall and just finding out about this other online writing group he's a member of that this woman LIsa had suggested he join about 4 years ago.
What should I do?

After reading many of the comments below, I can definitely see now that my wife has and still is emotionally cheating on me. We have had some problems over the last couple of years as we both have not truly been there for one another. I was working very hard to get her everything she asked me for. I hated working so hard but I didn't want to deny her anything.

Since December 2008 my wife has been talking to an old neighborhood friend of hers when she was growing up. I was aware that she was talking to him and thought nothing of it, as I completed trusted her. Then one night we went out and my wife had a few drinks. On the way home she was calling him and complaining that he should take 30 minutes for her (the guy lives 800 miles away from us). I got suspicious and looked at her cell phone. I found that she had asked him to have phone sex and was setting up a meeting with him on a day she was telling me she was going out with friends.

This was horrible too me. I am not a man who typically drinks; however, I can tell you I was very drunk that night and had a childhood friend of mine pick me up so that I could cool off.

She has since appologized for the incident, which I have accepted (not easy); however, she still calls and talks to him and thinks there is nothing wrong with this. It is not just that she talks to him but that she calls him handsome, sweets and other endearing terms. On top of this she has said that she wished she could be there for him. She texts and talks to him multiple times every day. I have tried to talk to her about it and we have even been seeing a marriage counselor but she still doesn't understand that what she is doing is wrong and that it causes me unending pain and hurt.

It has come to a head recently when I had to tell her that I was thinking of leaving for a while. If this continues I will need to leave to keep my sanity. I don't want to leave but I am too hurt that she cannot give up this other guy even though she continues to say that she loves me. To me talk is cheap and her actions speak louder than any words she can say to me at this point.

The last time we saw the marriage counselor this topic came up and my wife was annoyed that the counselor would say that what she was doing was hurtful to me.

I have no idea what to do anymore. I just know that I am depressed most of the time and hurting terribly.

I've been married for a year now. My husband and I got married early in our relationship. He says he's in love with me, but i just love him. Recently the person I had fallen in love with before him, my ex fiancee, came back into my life after 2yrs and he confessed that he still loved me. We've been contacting each other through email and now through text. I enjoy talking to him and sometimes I just wish I could be with him. I'm afraid of hurting my husband since he's the one who has been there for me more, he cares for me, my parents adore him..
Now I'm just confused as to who I want to be with. I love my husband but I'm still in love with my ex fiancee and I don't know what to do.

I stopped in a bar one night for a beer. I started talking to this woman. She gave me her e-mail and phone number which shocked me and I took it. I dont know why but it probably felt good to have someone interested. I e-mailed her a few times the next day but then realized I had gone to far and stopped.I never had any physical contact with this woman. My wife found out and has been furious with me. We are going to counseling now. I love me wife and family but we have had problems in the marriage.
Did I go to far? I dont want to lose my wife and family

Yes, I think you went too far. If my husband started emailing or calling a woman he met at a bar, I'd be furious too! It may not be emotional cheating per se, but it's not appropriate. It makes your marriage inconsequential and it disrespects your wife.

That said, I totally understand the difficulties of marriage and keeping the love alive -- especially since you've been having other problems in your marriage. But, the solution isn't in other women -- as you've learned!

This experience with the woman in the bar isn't actually the problem. It's a symptom of bigger problems in your marriage. Try to get to the root of the real problems. They'll be tougher to deal with than infidelity or perceived emotional cheating -- but they're more important than the symptoms (which are important, too).

Stick with the counseling, own up to and apologize for your mistake, and focus on building a happy marriage. Your counselor will help you with that......and one thing that usually works is to ask your wife what she needs from you in order to move past this mistake. Listen to what she says and follow up on it. And, get clear about what you need from your marriage.

Good luck with the counseling -- it's hard to delve into your marriage, but it's worth it!

Laurie

I'm a 46 year old divorced woman who's been dating a 48 year old man for almost a year. He's never been married, but has had several relationships over the years. Two of these relationships were long term and he was close to proposing marriage to one of these women, but things happened, and he ended the relationship. Over the years, he has had several other relationships, mostly with women he met online. He continues to maintain contact with some of these women either by phone or online. There is at least one who he had a sexual relationship with who still calls him on a regular basis. They work in the same field and he says that she calls to tell him about her current job situations. They haven't seen each other in at least 2 years and she lives in another part of the country so I know there is no chance of them getting together physically. He finds it hard to understand why I get upset when she or others call. Once in a while, he'll casually mention that she called, but I suspect he's getting more calls than he tells me about. We see each other a few times a week and are in an exclusive relationship. He always leaves his cell phone in his car when he's at my house, which makes me wonder if he's hiding something and doesn't want me to know when these women call. One day while we were out, he received calls from two different woman in the span of a couple of hours. He ended up blowing up at me when I told him I was upset that he won't end these relationships. Am I wrong to feel insecure about these relationships? A couple of months ago, he even sought out advice regarding our relationship from this woman he had slept with in the past, rather than talk to me about what was going on with us. Although we are in a relationship, I sometimes wonder where I stand with him and have my doubts whether he is capable of maintaining a mature relationship. The other thing he does is talk about the woman he was nearly engaged to. I finally told him last night that it bothers me that he talks about her so much and asked him if he was over her. He has told me that he is, but I don't understand why he talks about her and the things that they used to do together. I've told him that until he's willing to give up these other relationships, ours will not have a chance to grow. What do you think?

Technical problems prevent me from writing more than 7 lines here, but I did answer you on my Psychology blog:

http://www.suite101.com/blog/lauriepk/q_how_do_i_deal_with_my_emotionally _cheating_partner

Cut and paste this url into your browser. Note that there is a space that should not be there; simply delete it and the link should work.

Laurie

i have been married for 27 years and just found out that my husband has been talking intimately with my friend. she says she is just trying to help us, he says that it's not an affair, he can just talk with her about everything and nothing. I suspected something for months, repeatedly asked both if there were conversations, but both denied it. He threw away his portion of cell phone bills, changed it from me to him for contact info, insists i am overreacting, and refuses to stop talking with her. I am totally devastated and blindsided by all of this. NEVER in the 30 years i have known him did I expect this. He is a moody person by nature so when the quietness increased, i attributed it to his moods. I asked him for months to go for marriage counseling, but he kept telling me that I am the crazy one, nothing is the matter,Now i am suspicious all the time not sleeping, can't talk to anyone because I wear my heart on my sleeve and can't shut up once I start. We did star counseling, he agreed only because he got caught. I don't know how to get past this... it is killing me...

I'm sorry you're facing this crisis in your marriage -- but have faith that you and your husband will not only survive this, your marriage will be stronger because of what you're about to learn about each other and emotional intimacy (and infidelity).

You're not alone: many couples are struggling with the same problem, so I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.

I hope to see you there!

Laurie

blue:
i just discovered that my husband was depply in love with someone else when i found a letter where he was expresing his more private feelings for her and how sorry he felt for me because he was in love with her and in love with me??? wtf!!!, by that time we had 10 months dating and 2 months after we got married. was that cheating???????

How long have you been married? Is he still in contact with her?

I denyed any suspicions as my being insecure in the relationship and thought he would be the one man whom wouldn't cheat because his biological father had cheated on his mother - ending in a split marriage. I had him up on a pedestal of trust. Recently, I found a bag containing items (romantic and sexual) sent to him at a post office box between the the years of 1998-2002. She lived across from the country. Whe have been married since 1994. We had some trouble having our first son, having a late misscarriage was devastating then we used infertility drugs and were finally preagnant a year later. Then shortly after the birth (2000), he lost his job. I breast fed our son, which if you know takes a lot of time. He feels I was pusing him away at one time. He says he reached out to talk to someone about the whole infertility thing. And they just became friends. He is brushing it off as no big deal and he's over it. But it's new to me. Now when I look at the baby photos all I can think of is what he was doing when We were starting our family and I was caring for our son. I feel like I can not trust him, but I do not want to shut him out either. I have friends I have shared this with, but I think I need more help. It has turned my life upside down.

Having children - and struggling with infertility issues - definitely affects a marriage! I suggest talking to a couples counselor in person for help resolving your thoughts about his infidelity. The internet is fantastic for information, but it can't replace a "real" counselor who can really get to know you and your husband. So, getting help would be my number one suggestion.

I recently wrote about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.

You and your husband CAN come through this stronger than before! It just takes time and dedication to solve problems like this.

All best,

Laurie

I am emotionally cheating and it makes me feel good but I realize that I need to see a therapist and I have an appointment to see a lawyer next week. I became emotionally involved with an old friend who I haven't seen for many years. Why do I do this? It's because my husband of 25 years drinks, he emotionally and verbally abuses me. Why did I stay? I thought that in time things would get better that we could work out these problems..what a joke.. I'm leaving I'm unhappy as He has disrespected me by me becoming the sole provider of a family of two. I can't even clean our house, garden, live, exist without being critized, from the moment I walk in the door on a Friday to the time I leave on Monday am. I work a full time job, overtime and a part time job to make ends meet and pay for everything. I am sick and tired of answering at work and being asked is there money around the house to pay for his beer, his cigs and other things. He has two hands and won't provide for me...I don't care how much he makes as long as he contributes..he doesn't even open up his bills.. these reasons and others are why I am going to end up divorcing him...

I think it is very sad we live in a society that constantly bombards us with you have to be with someone or you have to have a family with the house and dog and cat. Why is it so wrong being alone any length of time? Especially after a break-up.

We need to ask ourselves what we want and not what and not what others think or we should be doing. Also, staying in relationships,marriages,partnerships where there is suppose to be commitment and love and there isn't...I seriously suggest getting out right away. Staying in the situations especially for "the Children" will only model your children to seek out loveless relationships.

Additionally..life is too short...so as long as the Internet is around this situation is Only going to get worse and it will sadly make my practice profitable off people who are lonely and not getting their needs met.

Lastly, if you suspect this in your relationship you both need to do separate counseling before couples counseling first. Good luck and remember...be honest with yourself and you will honest with you partner too.

My husband of 30+ years recently was contacted by a woman from his old neighborhood who had a crush on him in their teens. They started emailing back and forth to catch up on old times and current lives. She lives in a distant city and coincidentally we were going to visit family in that city. He wanted to get together with her. When I said I wasn't interested, he proceeded to ask her if she wanted to meet alone. They exchanged phone #'s and he asked her when would be a good time for him to call her when he got to town. In the meantime, he told me that he wrote her that he'd be too busy to get together. While on our trip she phoned him, and a relative happened to answer his cell phone. He didn't take the call, acted embarrassed, would not explain who it was when the relative asked. A short time later, he left and went to the apartment we were staying in, locked me out , and phoned her. He says I am blowing things out of proportion, and he's doing nothing wrong. He has a long history of flirtatious chatting online. I feel that it's a betrayal, and it's emotional cheating. Is it?

My husbnd watches pornographic videos on the internet just about every day. He knows that I object to this, and in this past has promised to stop. He has continued, and now he says that "every man dfoes it." Is that true? I view it as emotional infidelity. It seems he prefers to watch all those women instead of spending time with me. Am I right to be concerned.

I'd say both your husbands are engaging in a emotional cheating! The type of relationships you both describe involve your husbands having a connection with other women, which you aren't involved in and which you do not want to happen. Your husbands aren't respecting their marriage vows or your wishes.

What do you do? If they don't listen or respect your feelings, I'm not sure you can force them to understand. I suggest getting an objective third person to help your husbands understand how destructive these other women are (even if there isn't a physical relationship!). A counselor, pastor, rabbi, trusted family member, or somebody that your husband trusts might be able to help him see how destructive this is.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpfu! Many couples other are struggling with the same problem, and I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.

Best wishes,

Laurie

I'd say both your husbands are engaging in a emotional cheating! The type of relationships you both describe involve your husbands having a connection with other women, which you aren't involved in and which you do not want to happen. Your husbands aren't respecting their marriage vows or your wishes.

What do you do? If they don't listen or respect your feelings, I'm not sure you can force them to understand. I suggest getting an objective third person to help your husbands understand how destructive these other women are (even if there isn't a physical relationship!). A counselor, pastor, rabbi, trusted family member, or somebody that your husband trusts might be able to help him see how destructive this is.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpfu! Many couples other are struggling with the same problem, and I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.

Best wishes,

Laurie

I'd say both your husbands are engaging in a emotional cheating! The type of relationships you both describe involve your husbands having a connection with other women, which you aren't involved in and which you do not want to happen. Your husbands aren't respecting their marriage vows or your wishes.

What do you do? If they don't listen or respect your feelings, I'm not sure you can force them to understand. I suggest getting an objective third person to help your husbands understand how destructive these other women are (even if there isn't a physical relationship!). A counselor, pastor, rabbi, trusted family member, or somebody that your husband trusts might be able to help him see how destructive this is.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpfu! Many couples other are struggling with the same problem, and I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.

Best wishes,

Laurie

I found this email on my live-in boyfriend’s computer two days ago.
We are in our mid Forties and I thought we were very committed. I have confronted him about this email.
He is excusing this email and many others that are more intimate with “her” as “just being a good friend to her”. His defense is that it is worse to have read his personal emails than telling another woman that he loves her, that he will always be her baby, “that she is still the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on” etc.

What do you think?

Hi to: (my live in boyfriend’s name):

I just wanted to write you tonight and tell you not only thank you for all you are doing to help me out… but that it was so great seeing you and being able to spend time with you.
Its funny how after not seeing each other for so long, we can fall right back into the laughs that we always had. I thought, “Wow… it’s been like 4 years since we saw each other, but it seemed like yesterday.”
I just can’t believe that we are able to still pick right back up to what we had the most… the laughs. I really loved being able to laugh with you again, and am glad we never lost it.
I know that you think that you look ‘old’, but believe me… you don’t in my eyes. Not at all. You look the same as I remember; handsome. You always had great taste in clothes, and you looked very distinguished in the outfit you were wearing. I am sooooo proud of how you were able to pick your life back up to what you always did so greatly. You ARE truly a great businessman. You deserve all of the great things that are coming your way because not only are you a good person, but you have had to work harder than anyone I know to get there. I am in awe at how you went through what you did but still were able to come right back and have the attitude of, “I’ll make it again, but this time bigger and better.”
Remember when I used to say, “You’re my hero.”… Well, you still are. I hope you realize that whether or not you still drink has no bearing on what I think of you. That is your business; you don’t have to hide anything from me. I know that you know that.
Thank you for respecting my wishes tonight on not drinking when with me. It meant a lot. Even though I didn’t say anything when you ordered the drink, I like how you saw in my eyes that I didn’t want you to… and you cancelled the order. It showed me that not only do you know me, but that you respected me.
I love you (my boyfriend’s name). I really do.
And I KNOW

Hi,

It's always a tough situation when one partner doesn't recognize emotional cheating! He is being unfaithful to you by opening his heart and mind to another woman, but you might not be able to help him see that. It's quite normal for him to have a special place in his heart for someone he has loved in the past, but continuing that connection isn't healthy for him, her, you, or your relationship.

How do you convince him that he is committing emotional infidelity? By getting him the information through an objective third party. This could be a counselor, someone he respects (a pastor, spiritual advisor, etc), or even a family member. The idea is to define emotional cheating from a rational, objective perspective -- and not someone he can deflect by accusing him or her of other things (eg, "you read my email, and that's worse!").

If he isn't willing to give up his relationship with this woman, then you need to decide if you want to live with your relationship as it is...or if you need to think about ending it. You can't change him. You can only change how you view the situation, and what you're willing to accept. You should be his number one priority -- your feelings, your wishes -- and if he can't put you first in his life, then you have to decide whether you can live with that or not.

Many couples struggle with this problem, so I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.

I hope to see you there -- and I wish you all the best with your boyfriend.

Laurie

I recently wrote regarding my husband's frequent viewing of pornographic videos on the internet. He knows I highly object to this behavior, and it has severely interfered with my ability and desire to continue an intimate physical relationship with him. Are there any articles I can use to help explain to him how his connections with the sexually explicit material, and all those women in the videos, make me feel? He says his behavior is normal and not of high importance. But, he doesn't seem to be able to stop (addiction?) or else it's of high importance to him (more important than me or my feelings and our physical relationship as a couple.)

Hi,

There's some debate on whether it's an addiction or just a bad habit. But, regardless of what it is, the first step is that your husband has to realize what how it is making you feel!

To find the info you need, I suggest you do some research with different terms, such as "how p**nography hurts relationships", "effects of p**n on marriage". When you're looking for info to support your perspective, make sure you find it from a website that your husband won't be able to denigrate somehow (eg, he might not think too highly of information coming from a Jehovah Witness site, or a site that empowers women. I don't know -- I'm just thinking of his possible reaction!).

There's a good article on a site called "Husbands and Dads", called "Are You a P**n Addict?" Just Google the site and article name together, and it should appear at the top of the results list.

I hope showing your husband articles about how this material affects you and your relationship helps! Another option is to talk to a counselor together, so you can get a third opinion in real life. If another man explains how destructive that material can be, it might help your husband come to his senses!

Good luck...I wish you all the best.

Laurie

I have been dating a guy online for three months now. We are both still on the website where we met. Both our status say we are in a relationship and only there for friends and networking. It is obvious by the things we say and send to each other that we are together. He has a couple of other women on his friends list. I took the guys off of mine. He only still talks to one of them. He has even talked to her and a couple of others who arent on there while talking to me. I have asked him to please stop doing that because I feel it is distracting and rude. I am his girlfriend and should be the priority. He has assured me that they are just friends. One of the women actually lives close to him and he as seen her around town. I have been "left" before in an internet relationship and I dont want it to happen again. If he is being honest then I dont want to push him away. How do I get peace of mind and have the relationship with him we both deserve? My heart trusts but my head does not. If that makes any sense.

Hi,

I'm glad to hear that you were honest with him -- it sounds like you expressed yourself clearly and honestly. That's great!

I think that if you both have your online profiles on the dating site, then it's reasonable to expect that you both can be friends on the site with people of the opposite sex. After all, what's the point of having a profile but not connecting with people?

Three months might be too soon to talk about going off the site completely, but I'd think that would be the ultimate goal. I'd suggest talking about that after six months have passed, and you're still happy together.

In the meantime, it might be best to leave it alone. You've expressed your thoughts and concerns, he's said they're just friends...and three months is a little too early to start pushing for more commitment. Just take it one date at a time, without worrying about being hurt or him breaking up with you. Try to enjoy yourself! And, keep your expectations minimal: you're in a brand new relationship, and anything could happen. There's nothing wrong with being hopeful, but too much angst and fretting about the future and the "what ifs" could kill a good thing!

I hope this helps. I understand your worries, and I know three months seems like a long enough time, but...that's not long enough! It takes time to build a strong, committed relationship.

Also, I just rounded up several of my most popular dating, love, and relationship articles in my Psychology blog. You might find them helpful.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "Popular Articles About Dating, Love, and Relationships" You can also find it in the August, 2009 list on the side panel.

I hope to see you there -- and I wish you all the best with your boyfriend.

Laurie

I had been confused about my husband's relationship with his ex-gf, with whom he had no contact for almost 10 years, but they ran into each other some time before our wedding. We have been married for 5 months now. Initially I tried to stay casual about their renewed relationship they call friendship only, but I had my concerns. After reading this article, I know what to call it now. I don't know what to do about it. My husband isnt the "accepting his mistakes" type. If I confront him, he would turn the tables and call me a typical suspecting wife. I dont want to give him any more reasons to get closer to that woman. She too is married, but keeps lying to my husband that she is in a bad marriage. Altough I know her husband, and he is a nice caring man. But just to get sympathy from my husband, she lies about him and everything else in her life.
This is ruining my peace. I am expecting my first baby, and I fear that with this amount of stress, I might be harming this new life inside of me.

Hi,

One suggestion I have for people with partners who refuse to see emotional cheating is to get an objective third opinion. If your husband refuses to see what's happening from your explanations, he might be open to listening to someone he respects. This could be a spiritual advisor such as a pastor or rabbi, a trusted family member or friend, or a therapist or counselor. The idea is to remove yourself from the position of explaining emotional cheating, and let him learn about it from a third party. How you arrange this depends on who the person is, his relationship to your husband, etc.

Another possibility is how you frame it with your husband. That is, instead of telling him it's a mistake or that he's cheating, you might tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel and give him reasons to distance himself from her. I suspect you've tried this already? This is a bit awkward because you've only been married for a short time -- you're both adjusting to this major life change! He might not be ready to put you first and foremost (learning to put your spouse above all else sometimes takes years to learn).

Finally, I suggest that you try couples counseling or (less daunting) a communicating in marriage course. Sometimes working things out as a married couple is easier when you have a trained professional to help.

And, regarding your baby, try and keep your stress level as low as possible. Take lots of deep breaths, and remember that your husband loves you! He married you and he wants to be with YOU. Try taking prenatal yoga classes, and doing activities and hobbies that make you feel calm, happy, and centered. Also -- make sure you're confiding in and getting support from a good friend or two. Adjusting to a new marriage, being pregnant, and the possibility of emotional cheating is alot all at once! Stay connected to women you trust, who are mature and wise. They'll help you through.

I wish you all the best for you, your baby, and your husband.

Laurie

Thanks Laurie, your response was of immense help. I have been thinking about talking to my sister-in-law who has been very caring and nice to me. I just don't know if that would work or backfire, as my husband would think I have been discussing our personal issues with her. But I suppose it would be better than doing nothing at all.
I have given my husband ample feedback, both direct and indirect, about my discomfort with his "friend", the max that came out of this is that initially he used to talk in front of me with her, now he is carrying on with it behind my back.
Sometimes I feel so bitter I feel like telling this "friend's" husband to control his wife's behaviour, then again what's the point, when my husband is equally responsible.
Anyways, thanks loads for the response. Its nice to know that I really have a genuine issue and not going crazy inside my head. :)

Hi Laurie,
My wife of 4 years had an emotional affair a little over 3 months ago. I had this gut feeling that something was wrong, that she was cheating. She stopped hugging me and was just cold and indifferent. I was able to access her email account and found some transcripts between the two of them. She discussed intimate details of our marriage, our kids and described my penis to this man. This was all devastating, humiliating and incredibly painfull. She and this 'man' sent each other nude photos and had phone sex while I was in the other room! She pressured this man to leave his wife and she knew this man had kids. She sent him emails telling him how proud she was of him and how he was her 'ideal' man. I am now left hurt and confused. How the hell is he her ideal man? he is a cheater and a scumbag. He cheated on his wife twice. I told my wife that he had no intention of leaving his wife for her. She told me in a very cavalier manner that is was "no big deal" I was floored. No big deal huh? to who? We are now separated and in therapy. She has these expectations that I should just get over it. I told her that I need her to really get that she had an affair, I feel if she doesnt, she will do it again. She is an affirmation addict and has emailed other men as well. I could use some advice as to how to cope and what to do.

Hi,

I’m sorry you’re about your wife’s emotional affair – but I’m glad to hear that you’re in therapy. You might find the counselor’s objectivity and mediation helpful. He or she should be able to help you untangle the issues and communicate more effectively. I encourage you to be as honest and calm as possible in your counseling sessions.

Though I don’t have any other specific suggestions for you (other than to stick with the couples counseling), you might find a post I wrote called “What Steps Should a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?” helpful. To read it, click on my name in blue at the top of this page. Click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to the article about surviving emotional affairs. It’s also in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.

“Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” in May, 2009l might also be helpful. It contains several links to articles about surviving emotional and physical affairs.

I hope it works out for you and your wife.

Best wishes,
Laurie

My husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary by taking an exotic vacation without our 3 children. The trip wasn't what I had hoped although it was fun and we connected on some levels. I have known for some time that neither of us were treating each other the way we should- whether we took out our bad days on each other or just didn't remember tell each other we loved each other enough. I learned about a month after our trip that the month before our trip my husband had started talking on the phone to a woman he met at a concert he took our daughter to. The woman had asked for some photos & for my husband's cell #. About a week after the concert she called him & apparently kept calling until I learned about the calls a month & a half later. My husband only called her back 2-3 times- she initiated all other calls. I have spoken to both of them about the calls and why they began a phone friendship. She tells me that she was in an unhpy marriage & found she had a lot in common w/my husband regarding children, etc. She only text him or called when he was at work, never when he was at home with me. In 3 weeks time they had sent over 700 texts to each other, telling jokes, asking about each others day , etc. My husband swears she made the the calls/txts & that when he responded it was normally 1-2 words answering her questions & that she did most of the talking when they spoke. I know he told her that we had not been communicating as well and that I sometimes took out my bad days on him, etc- I guess in his mind he thinks he did better by talking to a stranger about our problems than someone we knew. I found out about the calls by accident & he had been erasing all of his texts & incoming calls before he got home. THe cell phone bill is in my name & when I saw the number of texts & minutes on his phone, I knew based on that & his distance & irritability towards me something was wrong. They are no longer talking & the woman has begged for forgiveness. Said her husband is never home, never listens & has an anger problem & my husband was just someone who didn't know her who could listen w/out judging. She lives almost across the state & since the date they met, my husband has been with me or at work every day- no question on my part they haven't met again. I just can't make my husband understand why I feel so hurt & betrayed. He's apologized but it's empty & he thinks I should be o.k. He knows he was wrong because he hid it. HELP

Lastly, my husband & this woman were talking up until the day we left for our big trip (they had met 2 weeks before) & she started calling him again first thing on Monday a.m when he returned to work after our trip. She called every day right after he got to work and talked to him again while he wasn't with me. When I talked to her, she admitted she initiated most everything & that he mainly listened to her but I know from our conversations she knew more about my life than I wanted her to. A part of me feels guilty that I didn't make myself more available to listen to my husband & that I should be glad he chose a stranger than lives so far away to talk to- not someone close or someone that knew me. I don't think any of us want others to know our life isn't perfect even though we all know no one's is but even though I feel somewhat responsible for pushing him away- I still feel cheated on. While he was listening to her problems- I felt like I had no one that wanted to hear mine- while he was telling her his concerns about the way I treated himm- he didn't tell me so we could work on it & while he thought about what he was missing out on- he didn't stop & think about how he didn't try as hard as he coudl have with me. I didn't get hundreds of text messages in a month- maybe a few more I love yous or I'm thinking of you would've been enough to turn me around and realize I needed to do or say more of what I felt too. It's now been almost 2 months since I learned about all this & my husband voluntaryily changed his cell # & home # to make sure she coudln't call him if she wanted to. There has never been a weekend we either weren't together or one of us didn't have the children, etc but even though I know it wasn't physical I find myself crying every day, hard to eat, hard to stay focused at work. My husband has apolgized so many times but I still don't feel like he fully understands what he is apologizging for. We've had many good days since this happened but I have had so many bad days that I've kept to myself. I know he can't pay for a mistake forever if he's truly sorry & I truly forgive one day I have to let it go & no longer bring it up but I need him to understand that while I sometimes felt like I needed someone to talk to & understand me that i never went to anyone behind his back. How do you get past not trusting someone? How do you make your husband who sees this as venting to someone who didn't know him as though youfeel cheated on?- SUE

10 years ago my wife and I were going through a hard time. Fighting over petty differences, money, me having to work alot of overtime to get by. I suspected my wife wasn't being completely honest with me. She was distant and cold sometimes. I started to search the files in our computor and found a somewhat romantic ecard sent to a former coworker. When I confronted her she told me that nothing had happened between them which I believed because she was never really sneaking around and making excuses to get out of the house or go places or anything like that. She had said that they he was just a confidant and friend that she would talk to at work. Since then our marraige ahs been good. however; every so otfen I would ask about this guy and thier relationship. finnally she confessed to thinking that at the time he was attractive and she had been interested in him, but realized how much I meant to her after seeing that she could have lost me over this. I cannot tell you how heart broken I feel about this. We have been married 20 years and married as teenagers. I thought I was her confidant, her lover, her best friend. How do I get over this and feel the same level of trust I felt before this happened?

Hi,

To the last two guests: your question is almost exactly the same (“How do I rebuild trust after my spouse had an emotional affair?”), so this is for both of you…

Getting over a partner’s emotional infidelity and rebuilding trust in the marriage doesn’t happen overnight – and your marriage may never be the same. It may not be worse, but it just won’t be the same as it did when you first got married. This isn’t necessarily bad – it’s just part of living together, loving each other, making mistakes, and staying married!

All marriages have their ups and downs; you will survive this instance of emotional cheating if you stay focused on your long-term marriage goals!

Forgiving your spouse and moving on is about making a deliberate choice every day – and sometimes every 15 minutes. Rebuilding trust is about choosing to leave the past behind, and reminding yourself to concentrate on why you’re staying married and what you love about your spouse.

Rebuilding trust is also about knowing that your partner realizes how destructive he or she was by being involved in emotional infidelity. If your partner can’t see that or won’t accept it, then I suggest marriage counseling.

I often encourage struggling spouses to try marriage counseling, because a counselor can offer an objective perspective of the whole situation. A counselor can give you insights in your specific behaviors and thoughts, which I can’t give here and which you can’t necessarily see yourself. Plus, a counselor can help partners see and accept what you can’t convince your partner of seeing or accepting.

To read more about surviving emotional cheating, visit my Psychology blog. I can’t post links to articles here, but I’ve written several on rebuilding trust and reconnecting in your marriage. Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?” (in the July 2009 side panel) or “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” (in the May 2009 side panel).

Also – to build a successful marriage and reconnect after infidelity, you and your partner have to BOTH be committed to doing whatever it takes.

Best wishes,
Laurie

I've read this article and it does clear the concept of emotional infidelity. But my situation is totally unique i think. I've known my husband for six years and been married to him for two years now.My husband lost his parents by the age of 14 and was brought up by his two maternal uncles and their wives. He calls them and rightfully so, his parents. Basically i have two sets of parents in law. One of the uncles passed away 5 years ago and my husband, took his wife(my husband's aunt )and their two daughters to live with him. Obviously they are close and the widowed aunt is very dependent emotionally on my husband.

My problem is that after marriage i feel quite threatened by their relationship. My husband never stands up for me and is almost obsessively protective and defensive for her. I know she is like a mother, but she does not behave like that and it makes me uneasy. She shares every little detail, of her life and her children's with him. She calls him all the time or they keep texting each other. My husband calls the children his daughters not his cousin sisters (that is ok for me cos they are almost 13 years younger to him).We had a lot of problem and finally his aunt and her daughters moved out to a different part of the city. But now i've discovered that my husband makes it a point to spend time everyday with them, he comes home late like 12am and 1 in the morning,stating work, but he never misses out a day to spend with them. and when he is there is does not pick my calls or talk to me...simply texts me that he will call back. He shares everything with her as well as me except maybe sex.And lately i also discovered that he lied to me about leaving early for a meeting when he actually had to go and drop his cousin sister (or daughter) to school for a function. He attends all their parent teacher meetings.He takes them out shopping and also manages the bills and all the odd jobs around their house. I'm not allowed to question him about finances or his whereabouts....
I belong to an Indian joint family and no body sees it as odd that he spends so much time away from his wife
Can this relation be called emotional cheating? or am just being insecure. Even a mother in law is told to back out of her son's life after he marries....
i've never stopped him so i don't apprve of his need to lie!I have tried to talk to him but he does not believe i have valid reason for discomfort.
am i just insecure, or is there something to worry about here

Hi,

You’re right: at first glance, yours seems like a unique situation! But the more I think about it, the more I realize its similarities to an “enmeshed family.” It’s not really emotional infidelity as such.

To learn more about enmeshed families (which I haven’t written about yet), I suggest you read about enmeshment on the “Self-Help Central” website. I searched for information on enmeshed families, and didn’t find much – but that website seems to have a basic definition. I can’t include the link here, but if you search for “Self-Help Central enmeshed families”, it should be the first result.

I also recommend the American Psychological Association and PsychCentral – they are wonderful resources for sound psychological information.

There are also lots of books on enmeshed families and how to dis-entangle yourself; I suggest you go to the library and see if you can find a good book there.

Best wishes – and good luck with your husband!

Laurie

I have a long history with emotional cheating. I have cheated in one way or another in every relationship I have ever been in.

The most notable is with my most recent ex-boyfriend that I lived with. I was miserable with him and didn't have the guts to leave. I fell in love with my coworker. At first we were just friends and I'd talk about my boyfriend with him, but as my feelings for him intensified I tried to not bring him anymore, and eventually said that we had broken up when we had not. I'd hang out at his house until three or four in the morning. We never did anything physically, but he knew how I felt about him.

I have been married now for about five months, and I feel that this relationship is the healthiest I have every been in. I have not cheated on my husband in any way, shape, or form, but I worry constantly that I will ruin my marriage. We don't have sex that often, maybe twice a month. I'm not a very sexual person, I don't crave sex, and I have never been a very sexually active person (except when I drink, I get horny). I wonder if this is what leads to my infidelities?

Hi,

I don’t think emotional cheating or emotional infidelity is the same as meeting physical needs or physical infidelity.

It’s great that you’re aware of the fact that you’re in a healthy marriage, and that you don’t want to cheat – and it’s important to remember that you CAN control your behavior! You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can control whether you act on your feelings.

It might help to remember that if you do cheat on your husband, you’ll probably regret it for a long, long time. Surviving infidelity is incredibly difficult for couples, and cheating partners say that it was not worth it.

I also suggest that you find the root of your tendency towards infidelity. Why do you keep cheating? Talking to a counselor or therapist might be helpful, because he or she can offer an objective, professional perspective (we can’t always see our own motivations or needs).

For more help with avoiding physical or emotional infidelity, read my post called “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” on my Psychology Blog.

To read that post, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” – it’s in the May, 2009 section on the side panel. (I can’t post live links here – though the link is in the above article).

Best wishes – and I hope your marriage is long, healthy, and happy!

Laurie

After reading the last couple I have to get some advice. about a year and ahalf ago I suspected something was up. Alot like the last comment of finding out your spouse has had phone contact with another person 6 to 7 time a day I am going through the same. Now I have asked if it has gone any furhter, and the answer has been NO. I feel I have been stomped on and taken advantage of. This past weekend my wife put on a concert and she told me this man was coming to meet me and view the show. I was livid. I told her because I was pretty cold to both of them all weekend. He stayed in a hotel all weekend so he wasn't at my house. There were a couple times this weekend she went out for lunch and dinner. She opening didn't tell me about it until I confronted her. I guess the biggest issue I have with this is January 2009 I confronted her about the calls and cell phone documents. She took herself off my family plan and got her own. Not only that She is very protective about her cell phone, internet and email use. If I walk into the room she turns off cpu, closes lap top or puts her phone in her back pocket. I have asked to see her text messages, emails and so forth and I make no progress. I told her I was done and fed up with this entirely. I said if you are being unfaithful to me just tell me I can't take it anymore. She graveled and told me she was meeting with hime to tell him they couldn't keep this relaionship going cause it was damaging her marriage. My question is why did she have to meet with him to tell him and why couldn't she do it over the phone. Please be frank with me. Im I just an idiot or am I making a mountain out a mole hill?????

Hi,

No, it doesn’t sound like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. I think it’s very destructive for a partner to hide things from another – especially so obviously! Why doesn’t she want you to see her phone bills or computer? That just breeds suspicion, insecurity, and distrust. In a healthy happy marriage, that’s the LAST thing you want to do.

My suggestion is that you talk to a counselor together. It’s often very helpful to have an objective third perspective to help couples see each other’s perspective. A counselor can help you see if you really are overreacting (because after all we just have your perspective here). You need to find a rational, calm way to explain that you feel disrespected and shut out from her life. And, the two of you need to find a healthier way to communicate.

I hope this helps a little. I also encourage you to go to my Psychology blog or click on the “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” link at the end of the above article. I’ve written several posts about overcoming emotional cheating. The thing is, if one partner refuses to see that she (or he) is being unfaithful, it’s really difficult to reconnect and rebuild a healthy marriage.

To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to the articles about emotional infidelity in the side panel.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Hi

Although my situation have been mirrored here in above posts, I felt it may help me by telling my story as well. To keep it as brief as I can, it has happened in the following way
I found my wife had made contact with an ex boyfriend four weeks ago, they had only been speaking for a short time, when I found intimate conversations between them, that ranged from speaking about our marriage, our physical relationship, their history together, braking each others hearts, to the possibility of catching up face to face in the next month.

When I approached my wife about these messages, she claimed they were innocent and nothing was going on, but slowly over a few days admited to the content of their conversations. I was assured at this point after making up with her that she would end it with an email. I also questioned at this point if phone numbers, addresses etc had been exchanged. I was told not!

I find weeks later a mobile number unknown to me on our phone bill, which turned out to be his. Again I approached her about it. She eventualy after a number of excusses admited she had his number and lied to me about it, but only kept it so she could call him person to person to explain she could not continue with the relationship, I was not happy with the expanation, and began searching.

I have some skills that allowed me to access her email account, facebook and phone records. These led me to find she had not only not stopped communicating with him but had gone out of way to give him a new number I had little access to. They had text, spoken and emailed throughout the month while my wife was lying about the situation.

I felt I had been cheated upon at the greatest level, the emotional level. My wife had always said to me she felt that emotions and making love were one and the same expressions of love. She may not have given those physical things to this person but she did give him those emotional things. She showed me that she held most important those feelings of another man in greater regard than my own, and compounded it by proving it three times. She had ample opportunity to end it knowing and seeing how upset and distraught I was even the first time. She chose not to.

I still today know she received and accepted a phone call from him, after telling me last night she loved and wanted me!

How can I respect, believe, trust he ever again?

And should I?

Hi,

Only you can decide if you should respect, believe, and trust in your wife again…and only you can decide whether or not you will.

In other words, if you decide that you want to save your marriage, then you need to commit yourself to doing just that. But, you can’t save your marriage if you don’t really want to.

The other thing is how committed your wife is to you and your marriage…if she’s still involved with the other man, then the answer is easy: you can’t save your marriage.

So, I believe that your first priority is figuring out if she wants to save your marriage. Then, you and she need to sit down and determine exactly how you will do that. Marriage counseling? Total honesty? Open access to Facebook and email accounts? I don’t have any exact answers for you. But, I think you and she need guidance in focusing on saving your marriage (or letting each other go). That guidance can be in the form of books, marriage workshops, or different types of marriage counseling (eg, from a pastor, a marriage therapist, a spiritual leader, etc).

Rebuilding your marriage is a long, difficult road – but it CAN be done if you both want it.

Best wishes,
Laurie

I need some advice. My Wife has been playing Worl of Warcraft on line and is on a server where they role play. She found a group of people and she start doing the normal role play. Well, her person in the game started dating another toon as they are called. She enjoyed the normal in game role playing and then it was time for her toon and his toon to become intimate. They call this ERP (erotic Role Playing) She said that it was all ver inocent and that she did not physically touch herself during these sessions.

She is now talking to this person during the game in IM's and she also gets email from him during the day and is in contact with him most of the time. This person moved his toon from the RP server to a different server and my wife moved her toon over there with his because she enjoys playing the WOW game with him.

She says that it is all inocent and that she just likes this person and I shouldn't worry...but I am. We have talked about it and how I feel but I think that she is in denial that she is doing anything wrong and that this hurts me.

I can't seem to shake of these feelings of what my husband said on the internet to these other women, the filth. My heart hurts, this had been going on for two years. From the very first day on that I married him, he kept his computer password protected. He always said to me I have certain things on there that are personal and I don't want you getting into my business. I respected that, call it trust, but as time went on I would see him early morning typing. Day after day, night after night, but when I went into the room another thing was displayed and he was no more typing. From that day I I knew something wasn't right. So I got on the internet and typed in his name, and lo and behold a pornographic site came up with his picture and all these women on it. I was angry but not half as angry as I am now when I recently got curious because every night he tucked his phone under the pillow, something is not right when your husband is hiding his phone from view, no less by his side every night. Well, I looked into his phone to see what he was hiding and found a women's picture. I was curious, so I clicked on it and it took me straight into his inbox, with 272 women and scripted logs of messages of all the filthy things that would shame the devil. I emailed it to myself and deleted it from his phone and his email. I later read them thorough tears and I can't seem to shake the feeling still. I told him what I did and he blamed me for being distrustful. As I speak to you, he finally after three days of crying apologized but to me he can't apologize enough. I'm leaving him even though I love him despite what he has done, that's the sad part, I still love him but I hate what he has done to me. I at this point can't even touch him because he makes me feel dirty, again I can't explain why I still love him, it's crazy. Anyway, I can't seem to shake this feeling, it's more then cheating, he put to death my trust in him and I am not sure I will ever get it back so why am I here with him, I can't stay, I have to leave even if I don't want to, even if it is just for time to heal. I truly don't believe he understands how deep the hurt is.

YMB

My husband of seven years has been emotionally cheating on me with his fist cousin, he said we had become distant and he found comfort in talking to her about personal problems we had. He had told me that he was helping her out through a depression and she had claimed to want to hurt herself but I know for a fact that she in love with him and will say anything to keep him talking to her. He keeps telling me that it is over between them and that he loves me and wants to have a life with me but continues to string her along not telling her its over so she can go on her way because he fears we will grow distant and he will have no body to comfort him and he also fears she will cause harm to herself. She is a very young and sick person who has confronted me and told me she will never stop loving him no matter what and she will never leave him alone and she keeps telling me I messed up my marriage now she wants a chance to be married to him and make him happy. I don't want to confront her because that will only make me look bad to my husband and none of her family members will step in to control her actions they keep putting all the blame on my husband for what is happening. I monitor all there conversations and this young girl is very manipulative beyond her years! What can I do my husband is a good man whom I neglected and I don't want to lose my marriage and my family we have two small children. How can I fix this mess???

I've been dating a guy for two years. I enjoy being with him. We get along great, never fight. We are both very even tempered and like minded in many respects. He would make a perfect husband and a wonderful father. I respect him. He’s a good person with a great head on his shoulders. I always want to spend time with him. In general we are very compatible.

I'm pretty sure I'm emotionally cheating. During the first year I only had eyes for him but then I started noticing other men. I flirt with other guys although I'm honest and tell them I have a boyfriend. I've led one guy to believe I'm single. I think I should break up with my him because I'm not sure I want to marry him. Also it isn't a good sign that this early on I'm mentally straying. I feel guilty for thinking about dating others or thinking about what I would do if I were single.

I know he would be devastated if he knew what I was thinking. He deserves a girl that will be faithful and will reciprocate all the love that he offers. I’m not sure I’m capable of doing that. I’m not sure I can love him as much as I think he loves me.

I've always been wishy washy in relationships. So I don’t necessarily trust my inclination to end the relationship because part of me believes that we could be happy together forever. We really do get along tremendously well.

I'm in a tough place in life right now and he is a large source of moral support for me. So I could just be motivated by selfishness to stay. I'm concerned that I no longer want to have sex with him. This could be due to stress. In fact most of these problems could be due to stress and lack of time.

We also have disparate ideas on alcohol and social situations. I’m a social butterfly and he is reserved. I feel like this is a problem in our relationship. I think the party animal in me will settle down with age and we will be more compatible in this respect. But I fear that I will be missing out on a portion of my social life by continuing to date him. Although, we are both in the outdoors and he has a great group of friends who do lots of fun activities together. He doesn’t really mesh with my friends. My friends think he is square or pretentious because he doesn’t really drink much and sometimes comes across as judgmental.

I fear that if we were to marry I might end up unhappy and then leave him which would devastate him. That might just be a fear everyone has. Any advice?

Hi,

That’s a tough relationship decision to make. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I totally understand! I’ve been there, and so have many women (and men). It can be really difficult to know if the person you’re with is the one for you.

You’re right: many people do fear taking the big step into marriage and long-term commitment. And so they should, because it’s a huge life decision. But, when healthy, well-adjusted people take that step, they do it for the right reasons: they genuinely love their partner and want the relationship to work out.

I don’t think you should stay in the relationship because you’re worried about hurting him if you leave. That’s not a strong foundation for a good relationship.

I do suggest you talk to a counselor once or twice, to help you sort through your feelings about your boyfriend and relationship. An objective point of view will help you see your own motivations and emotions more clearly, which will help you decide if you should work through your relationship issues together or not.

If you do decide to stay with him, you and he might benefit from premarital or couples counseling. It’s seems great that you never fight – but really, that’s not realistic for a two year relationship. Arguments are a normal, healthy part of being in love! It’s important for a couple to be able to fight fairly and learn to resolve conflict.

Regarding knowing whether you should break up or not – I can’t give you all my thoughts here, nor can I post links, so I wrote a blog post called “How Do I Know If I Should Break Up With My Boyfriend?” I included a list of ways to know if you should let him go there – it might help.

To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “How Do I Know If I Should Break Up With My Boyfriend?” – you’ll also find it in the Nov, 2009 section on the side panel.

I hope it helps, and I invite you to respond either there or here.

Best wishes,
Laurie

To the guest who commented on Nov 3:

I’m sorry I missed your comment! It sounds like your husband is a “save a damsel in distress” man…he likes to feel needed. Many men (and women, too) need to be needed. His first cousin is manipulating that need and causing the distance between you and your husband to grow.

You’re right; confronting her probably won’t help. Why would she want to change – she’s doing exactly what she wants, and she’s more or less getting what she wants.

I suggest focusing on your husband, not her. You might benefit from an objective third point of view: someone your husband trusts, who can help him see that his cousin is harming him, your marriage, and your family. A marriage counselor would be an ideal person to help you and your husband reconnect and save your marriage! He or she could help you sort through the problems that lead to the emotional distance and neglect, and help your husband see that he needs to emotionally disconnect from his cousin. And, a marriage counselor will help you and your husband become physically and emotionally intimate again.

If marriage counseling isn’t an option, I suggest talking to a pastor, spiritual leader, or wise and objective family member – anyone that you and your husband trusts, that can sit down with you and sort through what’s been going on.

The reason I suggest seeing an external person is that you and your husband are so “in the middle of things”, it’s difficult to be rational and objective about your thoughts and behaviors. You both need to look at his emotional relationship with his cousin and hwo your marriage has been going with an external lens.

You might also want to read my blog post called “What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?”

To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?” – you’ll also find it in the July, 2009 section on the side panel.

I hope it helps, and I invite you to respond either there or here.

Best wishes,
Laurie

i have been married for 13 years and been with my husbad for 19 years all in all. he has had a couple of affairs during the mariage that i have forgiven (hopefully) but he had this particular relationship i cant seem to get over.
I was pregnant with our first son when he admitted he wanted to have sex with this girl...it was a normal conversation and we were just being honest...there was not even a fight. then after a year and a half, a friend of mine told me how my husband used to adore this same girl and that he said she was his soulmate and that they will find each other again no matter where they were. It was a huge fight after that and we resolved things. then he went abroad and had 2 affairs ( he said he was lonely without me). affairs gone and forgotten. now 13 years on...i found out they were friends on facebook recently and he did not tell me about it despite the fact that the girl said give my regards to (me). and another series of exchange of innocent words.
it still hurts and the feeling of being betrayed is flooding back to me. what should i do?

My husband and I have been together for almost 13 yrs, married for 7, with 3 beautiful kids. We have hade some difficult times, mostly finacially. But as long as our family was safe, healthy and loved that was all that mattered. 3 months ago his best friend shot himself and he left behind his wife and her three children. My husband then changed slowly. He started talking and texting her all the time. Every weekend it was something with her and small groups, calling himself being obligated to help her. He told me we needed to seperate for a couple of days, then two days later he said we needed to seperate long term to work on us as individuals, a week later he wanted a quick and painless divorce. He is always complaining about being lost, confused, and lonely. My husband also during this 3 month period became very protective and secreative with his cell phone. I suspected something but I could never get to see it. I asked him why and why he could not talk to me but another person. That just upset him more. I need some advise. My family is falling apart. I have met with attorney for divorce but this is all so strange of why he would throw his entire family to the side for this person. PLEASE HELP!

don't know if its mind cheating or emotional cheating but would lead to that if he continues..well my bf opens other accounts my space, twitter and then adds random women and naked women... so when I found out....asked him for his new accounts and requested for his passwords.. he pretends he forgets about the password and takes that time deleting those women not knowing I've searched for him and checked his eye popping friendlist of his.... when girls message him via email/fb in a flirty way he deletes it.. not knowing that I got to it before he did..then asked if his feeling guilty or lied or hid anything from me recently... he lies second time around... which makes me feel worst than the first time.... I don't know why he likes to add random girls and naked girls.... but he must feel pretty dissatisfied being in this relationship to seek for other women to perve... degrading for women indeed.. =(

Hey good article. I have an axe to grind with y'all cheaters. I could give some one literally pages of personal advice from a rash point of view. I will say this. Don't allow cheating in any way shape or form. Don't ever get involved with any one who does not have their life together Save yourself time. Also if things start to get bad between you and another. Freggin leave them. Break up. Dont talk to them again. It wasn't the right time or place for that. Ppl stay because they are comfortable and are acting from a weak position in life. Man ! I'm serious! . Sure...you can love some one but man just love them. Leave it at that. Unless you intend to get married and have enough dang money to live without them. Don't talk to those in relationships have some gosh darn respect for other people. Even if someone in a relationship talks to you just ignore them. Thats emotional cheating y'all... They are just being bad and they know it. If you don't know it then you are being a gosh darn fool. pulling the wool over your own eyes. man if u got involved with them they would just cheat on you ( dumb butts ! lol) Come on. Don't let yourself become some low quality type of lying person. blah blah blah. I could go on forever! Let me tell you! Do not tolerate this kind of crap. Its happened to me its happened to every one. Those relationships don't last. I've heard sad sad stories from friends about their relationship problems. Three separate marriages three cheaters. Guess what. Two of the families are all still together through all kinds of behavior. One of them is just broken. And my image of the cheater has just diminished to crap! Its almost psychotic what people will put up with. They just stay because they need the support financially MONEY or have just become comfortable. Usually they are just acting from a weak position. Stay at home mom, bewildered boy friend. Its very sad. Decent people have to put up with this crap every day "In love with the wrong girl guy or girl". Thats just so painful. The cheater is always wrong. The one who's been cheated on usually always needs to grab their life by the neck and choke it until it produces growth ( personal confidence and position). Your man or women will cheat on your butt the second you give up your power to them if they are messed up enough and you know what. Hot dang. Yes there are gobs of messed up people in the world. Stay the heck away from them. They are just not good people.( I guess)...They are just pretty dang horrible to say the least of my feelings...Just put yourself in a position to leave or just don't get involved with someone in a long relationship unless you are 100% sure about their love for you. One of my friends made up this exact quote" You _cant_ trust the one you love but you can trust the one that loves you" - Cantu- Make sure they love you. Don't give it away too easily. Be shrewd about it. You are a valuable son of a gun!! I mean you are the most important thing in your world. If he or she is worthy of being with you then you will need to make them work for it. blah blah blah. Now I am just rambling on. There are plenty of hucksters in this world! Jesus. You've got to beware. You may be a regular decent person and these sons of guns will just pounce on you like some sort of crazy kamikaze you never saw coming! If you want to chat more about cheating contact me at my email I love talking about this stuff. I have been through it all and I would be honored to hear your stories and share in your mixed feelings and pain _d13c53h@hotmail.com _

How about this for you. My wife of almost 15 years walked away from me while going through cancer treatement. On top of that she was cheating on me emotionally with another guy(s). I came home unwelcomed. Now I am in the process of divorcing her. How low can people go. After filing the guy is no longer in the picture. She just lost a loving, caring, supporting husband. Have fun hun!

Im just trying to deal with a break up at the moment and its all my fault. After working away from my home and family for a year I was becoming lower and lower and eventially could take know more and took the plunge to come home and hopefully get work there. How wrong i was no exciting welcome home no work no money coming in long days on my own waiting for somthing to develop. I should have been stronger and gone and seeked advice from a doctor for my lack of energy and lack pleasure to do anything. I came across a web site for people who wanted to meet for no strings fun and found myself wanted which i was craving. I met a couple of woman just for sex feeling excited then deflated after. I love my wife and would never want to hurt her but i have after i gave her a std and 1 of the woman managed to contact her so i confessed all my sins. Why id i do this when i have so much to lose. Ive been to the doctors and have been given some medication. Im feeling better in my self but cant understand my actions and my wife obviously cant, Depession if i wasnt so stubbourn i wouldnt be in this position. I hope that time is a healer.............

I feel this article and information are right on the money. I am currently going through this situation with my girlfriend now - marriage is next year. However, in the meantime her ex moved into an appartment right next to her. She helped him move in. They sit on the patio and talk all the time. There have been times I would call her and she said she couldn't talk alot because she was eating with him. The "ex" has a disease which she tells me that she wouldn't touch him. So I believe that physically she is not doing anything (hopefully I am not naive) so I try to believe her so she senses respect from me. The problem here is she enjoys talking to him. It is very clear. If there was ever and example of emotional cheating without the physical component - this is it. She keeps saying that he is only a "friend" but she has already told me that even after we are married (for sure by the end of 2011) she will still go out to dinner with him. I thought of making it a "either me or him" but that could blow up in my face. I like the suggestion of trying to be more friends with her and I will work on that, but this guy is right there. He comes over and weed wacks right when I am sitting with her. Bordering on aggressive. If anyone has some ideas, I am all ears. Thanks. Signed, someone struggling

A post from 2008:

"
During the "healing" process, he said he had a hard time understanding what the guidelines were for a "friendship" with someone of the opposite sex.......I told him that 1) "The female friend could not have ever seen your penis...anyway shape or form" and 2) If he is having a conversation with a "friend" of the opposite sex, and there is ANYTIME during that conversation that he would feel uncomfortable with ME, his partner, listening in on....or over hearing, then you have and ARE crossing the line....... "

I feel this applies to my predicament. To adjust it to my situation, my girfriend, soon to be wife in 2011, cannot 1) allow his "ex" now to see her breasts or genitalia 2) If she is having a "patio" talk with her "ex" then the conversation must be above board.

Thanks for posting these suggestions as they give me something tangible I can work with.
signed, still struggling

I have been going through this for quite a while with my husband. We have been married for four years..and have been together for ten. Every time he engaged in a relationship with a female ...I would eventually somehow find out. After time I started noticing signs of his change in behavior...becoming distant...not wanting to talk...mood swings.. and I knew it was because he was emotionally involved with another female. Each time it has been a different female...occasionally he has a female or two from the past. I have tried everything to stop this, even confronting the females myself...but they don't care. They don't realize what is happening. And my husband claims that he isn't doing anything wrong...I don't think he has physically done anything with them...rather he just likes the attentipn. We recently split. And he still doesn't get it. It breaks me into pieces to go through this...especially since I'm percieved as being jealous. I think they end up feeling sorry or something for him and get attached because he shares our issues with them. So hurtful. I wish people knew more about this... I wish there was a law against this... unfortunately even if there was...people still always do what they want in the end@

I have been with someone for almost six years. He cheated on me in the beginning of the relationship, but since I couldn't let him go (first boyfriend/love) I went back to him. He's dumped me so many times throughout the course of the relationship. He even broke up with me once saying that I was boring. He's still in love with his first girlfriend.

Hi i would like some advice, is it unreasonable for me to get upset if my boyfriend and my friend are talking about penis in a private conversation, because it was to do with what he did in art at college that day. The friend is a lesbien but once had a crush on him and currently sees him as a brother. My opinion is that it is still a sexual intimate part of the body and my boyfriend shouldnt talk about penis with any other girl, it has also ended up with comments on facebook from her on his status when he talks about having a good day at college. Am I being unreasonable ? It doesnt feel like it, it hurts.
Advice would be appreciated, thank you x

It happened to me for the entire year I was in a relationship with someone who would not admit it was a problem. He had dinner with his ex-girlfriend and did not own up to it until I found out on my own. He constantly exchanged inppropriate messages on social networking sites saying he was "just joking". Our first and last Valentines Day he received a text message from a married co-worker. The message was asking if they had work the following day, which was weird because she had worked there before he did. She was just looking to interrupt our romantic night, possibly because she was having problems with her husband. She looked like a very miserable person and someone who couldnt stand to see other people happier than her. I think she also had a problem with the fact that now he wasnt single anymore and she got less attention.

My ex also had/has many female friends and some I met who seemed harmless. Even his brothers girlfirend was annoyed when I came into the picture and did her best every chance she got to instigate trouble. She constantly flirted with my boyfriend but of course he would never admit it because he was enjoying it. It was a losing battle. The aforementioned "friend" he had dinner with was an ex-girlfriend who I realized held a very special place in his heart. Although he never told me, I have a feeling that she was his "first" so she had that power over him. I always had the feeling he was hung up on her but he tried to make it seem otherwise. His relationships with these "friends" managed to get between us and ultimately destroyed our relationship.

In these cases its best to just step back and not get involved with someone who is not mature and does not care enough to give you the attention you deserve.

It's about the attention and sometimes there is more to it. If a person is doing this and does not care how their partner is affected by it, it's a really big red flag. When you love and care about the person you are with you consider their feelings.

If someoone chooses to be in a committed relationship why do they play games? They should just remain single and not hurt someone who loves them and can find someone better who is mature about relationships. It is very selfish to do this to a partner.

Wow, you folks are amazingly sad. If this is a problem for you then you need to do something to either solve the "problem" or address your flagrant insecurities. If you spouse or s/o is "emotionally cheating" on you then either A) they have not had an opportunity to physically cheat on you or B) you are so insecure in your relationship that it's probably doomed. I don't think this is a problem as much as a symptom. The underlying issue is either that the relationship is in serious trouble and someone has one foot out the door or it's just as screwed up because one party is incapable of overcoming their low self image when compared to anyone else- real or imagined. There are enough real problems in relationships- we don't need to invent another one so that people who are most likely sabotaging their own relationships can feel better about themselves. If you are going to participate in an adult relationship then have the emotional maturity of an adult, not an angsty teenager.

It may be very easy to judge other people and their problems, especially when you can hide behind the internet. Unfortunately, this is a real problem and if you can't respect another person and give a relationship a chance without involving other people DO NOT GET INVOLVED. I think that is as mature as it gets.

This is not to say that many people don't sabotage their own relationships, but then there are many who are trying in spite of a problem like E.C. to make something work. From personal experience and hearing stories from friends it can be disheartening.

The problem with this type of cheating is that it is often a gray area and so easy for those who do it to pretend its a non-issue. It is disrespectful to discount the feelings of people who are dealing with this by implying it is trivial.

I am in midst of dealing with this. My partner says he has to sneak around and lie about speaking with and seeing this woman because I am so jealous. I told him that I don't mind him having femail friends as long as they are not romantically interested in him and he would feel comfortable bringing them to see both of us. He tells everyone that I don't allow him to have female friends and that I am jealous and snooping on him. He deletes his emails, texy=ts and calls from his phone and changed his email passwords and turns off his computer. I think I have a right to be suspicious esp after I saw the flirty emails and discovered his lies. He claims because they haven't had sex that it is nothing and I am ridulous harpy shrew bad woman and he defends her over me.

this article should include what healthy relationships look like between friends of opposite sex. can you emotionally cheat on your significant other with friends with you "talk about your relationship?"

So should a guy not have any other girl-friends at all? If he does he should only meet them his partner and other people present?

My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs. I recently found out he has been calling and emailing some other woman. I heard him talking to this woman one day and when I confronted him, he said he likes her and will still keep in touch with her.He says he does not want me anymore but still wants to have sex with me.I also came across an email where he told the other woman he does not want to divorce me because he does not want to loose his kids. I am so devasted and hurt. I still love him and want to work on our relationship but I don't know what to do when I belive he is still communicationg with this woman.

I have been in a serious relationship for about two years, I am always on edge and jealous due to my partner's questionable behavior. He claims that he hides his cell phone away from me because I have looked through it without permission and wants me to stop being so suspicious. However, he has let me look through it. He never answers his cell phone, and takes a long time to text me back. He hardly let's me know what he does and who he's with when I'm not around. He rarely likes to hold hands or show that we're together, and doesn't show as much affection as he does when it's just the two of us. He has a few female friends I don't know and haven't met. I know of a few, and one he used to work with he still keeps in contact. I read through text messages between them, and I felt as though they have an emotional connection that could be a possible threat to our relationship. Should I be worried he's cheating on me?

Thank you for this article! My husband was doing this with a co-worker for almost a year. He did not understand my complaints until I had him read this article. He now understands where I am coming from and is working to make the necessary changes. Again, thank you.

well i noticealot of weman on here talking about there relationship's but not men. well i guess i'll be one of the men yall heair this from. i have been with my girlfriend for lmost 3 month's now . she has this guy that's much older than us that she tryed o have a relationship with but it didnt work out as they thought it would. his kid's that was our age or older dint lie so she became a secret. well i fell into the pictuer, one day and the first month was great. untile i met him one night sat down and talked to him about all this. nether one of us knew the other befor that point. well latter on that night i told we meet and sat down and talked about everything. i had been lied to about what happend sevrel time's by her. and then when talking to him found out the truth. well here we are she wantd me to be friends with him, but i just can't do it. i did how ever try for her sacke. to give him closer, but now it's like very weekend we have to have him around, or go to his house, or something. and she has become more and more distant as the week's pass. i have told her how i feelt, and that i didn't like. well she talks to this guy at work, and se's him at work as well thats were she meet him. and now i have tryed to exsplain the hole emotional infadelity to her but she dosnt think he is the problum.. so i posted some thing's on my face book about emotional infadelity, so im hopeing she read's it and get's the point. i just don't understand why it is so hard for a woman to respect her man and vice versa. im sorry to hear about yall's story's but we all have to take a stand oneday at some point and do something about it.

well i noticealot of weman on here talking about there relationship's but not men. well i guess i'll be one of the men yall heair this from. i have been with my girlfriend for lmost 3 month's now . she has this guy that's much older than us that she tryed o have a relationship with but it didnt work out as they thought it would. his kid's that was our age or older dint lie so she became a secret. well i fell into the pictuer, one day and the first month was great. untile i met him one night sat down and talked to him about all this. nether one of us knew the other befor that point. well latter on that night i told we meet and sat down and talked about everything. i had been lied to about what happend sevrel time's by her. and then when talking to him found out the truth. well here we are she wantd me to be friends with him, but i just can't do it. i did how ever try for her sacke. to give him closer, but now it's like very weekend we have to have him around, or go to his house, or something. and she has become more and more distant as the week's pass. i have told her how i feelt, and that i didn't like. well she talks to this guy at work, and se's him at work as well thats were she meet him. and now i have tryed to exsplain the hole emotional infadelity to her but she dosnt think he is the problum.. so i posted some thing's on my face book about emotional infadelity, so im hopeing she read's it and get's the point. i just don't understand why it is so hard for a woman to respect her man and vice versa. im sorry to hear about yall's story's but we all have to take a stand oneday at some point and do something about it.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and we have 1 child together. A few months ago, he moved about an hour away for work, and I stayed here because I couldn't afford to give up my job. A week into his job, he told me he met the most amazing girl, whom he has so much in common with. He stopped taking my phone calls, stopped coming by to visit, he even blew off picking up our daughter to go see him twice because he was out with this girl. He claims that they never had any physical relationship, and he only wants to be with me, but I lost all trust in him, and he wonders why I become livid when he even mentions her. He claims they don't hang out anymore, but since he lied to me so much when they were spending all their time together, I have absolutely no way of trusting him. He claims I'm being paranoid and insecure, but I have no security in this relationship or trust in him anymore, and I don't think I ever will again.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and we have 1 child together. A few months ago, he moved about an hour away for work, and I stayed here because I couldn't afford to give up my job. A week into his job, he told me he met the most amazing girl, whom he has so much in common with. He stopped taking my phone calls, stopped coming by to visit, he even blew off picking up our daughter to go see him twice because he was out with this girl. He claims that they never had any physical relationship, and he only wants to be with me, but I lost all trust in him, and he wonders why I become livid when he even mentions her. He claims they don't hang out anymore, but since he lied to me so much when they were spending all their time together, I have absolutely no way of trusting him. He claims I'm being paranoid and insecure, but I have no security in this relationship or trust in him anymore, and I don't think I ever will again.What's worse is, even after he claims he's not spending time with this girl anymore, he still doesn't seem to want to spend time with me. He seems to view it as an obligation, and I think the love is gone in our relationship, at least from his side. :-(

well i think that at some point in time we all in some form emotionally cheat. As far as people looking at other people they are attracted to "get real" how many times have you done it and you wanna get mad because they accidentally do it in front of you... the worst thing you can fall for is to think that girls and guys act differently. doing whats right, a good amount trust and understanding of yourself and your partner and doing right by them you can not stop someone from cheating if they want to

ive been with my boyfriend for 6 years. i know he loves me but i feel like im the giver and he's the taker. i feel drained. we haven't been intimate for 2 yrs, he never tells me i'm beautiful or pretty or special. he hardly makes an effort to see me or call back. we haven't kissed in so long. i talk to him about getting the spark back in our relationship but it seems like all my pleas go in one ear out the other. but i luv him sp much and he has said he wants to marry me. but im hesitant now more than ever coz if he is like this now then i'l be stuck in a sexless, intimateless marriage and i dont want that. I love sex and I want it with only him. But ive started talking to this guy from turkey who is overwhelningly handsome and funny and he calls me beautiful and teaches me his anguage and he makes time for me and his interested in things about me and asks me how my day was and tells about his family. he gives me what i need from my boyfriend. i'm thinking about him more than i do my boyfriend. But i know i'l never meet.

I was a victim of emotional cheating. I gave my partner all the attention she wanted. However when I was overseas for a while she turned to a senior co worker whilst I was away. I suppose I didn't meet her emotional needs. I found out from others she didn't think she needed to tell me about it as she had no intention of sleeping with him. When I confronted her she blatantly lied to my face. It has been many months now and I can't trust her to this day.

If the man doesn't take care of his woman as much as he should, and she find happiness in another it is the mans fault. The same goes if the situation was reversed. It is not the persons fault if s/he was abused or neglected so much that s/he found happiness in another...
Marriage or no, religion or no.

This is a response to the guy who posted on April 12, 2011, that a woman becomes unfaithful because "the man doesn't take care of his woman as much as he should". You deceive yourself, because you write like someone who has been in an abusive and philandering relationship in which your wife left you. Then you turn around to seduce a clueless and equally unfaithful woman who tells you lies about how she has not been taken care of. Any unfaithful woman is a liar. It takes a lot of lying and deception to maintain an adulterous relationship. Don't deceive yourself. Adultery is a wilful thing. Anyone involved in an adulterous relationship went into it on his or her own volition. There's no need to heap the blame on what anyone did or didn't do. An adulterer will ALWAYS lie about her spouse. It's been there since the beginning of time.

i have been married for 7 years and my husband is so secretive with his phone so the other morning i checked his messages and sure enough he was texting an old friend not gilfriend but there conversations were borderline and i confronted him he has appologized alot and i know he feels bad but i dont know how to forgive or trust what he is saying i feel betrayed i love him very much but how could he think this was ok i'm afaid i wont be able to get past this what should i do?

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half,after the first year things began going down hill so the whole month of april he broke up with me.Now on may he came back to me and we've been together ever since.
BUT while we broke up for that month he met a woman who he used to hang out with and go out to clubs with,she constantly post on his wall on FB & mssg eachother on how much they want to see eachother..they seem to be a little TOO close and i can only imagine how much they text eachother through out the day.
She wasnt in the picture before the break up,meaning he met her during that month,im a bit confused how in such little time hes already complaining online on how much he wants to see her & such.
I know hes emotionally cheating and hurts just as bad because they actually form a bond together.How can i approach this to him?and make him realize this without having him do it behind my back?

a few years ago, my husband was having an "emotional relationship" with a woman from my son's pop warner football team. he never denied having sex with this woman but wanted to pursue a relationship. i was devasted and very hurt. then a couple months later, he died unexpectedly. we were in our early thirties at the time i eventually jumped into a couple of unhealthy relationships and felt very ashamed of myself. my question is... is this a normal behavior for a woman who just lost her husband?

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and throughout that year, he has maintained a "very close" relationship with his former live-in lover. They work together and she and her new lover are invited to all his family's events. His sisters told me that they consider her their "fifth sister." She watches his dog for him, drew up remodel plans for his kitchen on the house that they once shared, tailers his pants and clothing, they run races together, and to thank her for anything she's done, he buys a bottle of her favorite wine and then asks her to lunch. He shares intimate details of our relationship with her, especially if we are having problems. He also insists that she is invited to parties at his house too, so that every time I visit (we have a long distance relationship-- I live a 24-hour drive away), she must be with us with her new partner.
I guess I wouldn't be so bothered were it not for the way he acts around her. For a Halloween party, she came with a crotch hugger skirt, fishnets, and a low-cut blouse and was a vampire. It wasn't a costume party. When she came in the door, he said, "Wow! You look fantastic!" He barely will give me a compliment. When they are together, he can't stop smiling.
At another family gathering where i knew only one other person, he totally dtiched me and spent most of the night talking to her. They whispered into each other's ears and laughed. When I complained about her being so much in his life, he tells me that they are "just friends" and that he "loves her like a sister" but that there's no way he will ever stop seeing her, even if it hurts me. He says I will have to get used to it.
I told him it sounds like an emotional affair. She finds more and more ways to be in his life by doing things for him and he finds more things for her to do.
She tries to "confide" in me. One time she told me that she wanted me to know that he was an "asshole" because she didn't want me to be "disappointed." When I told him this, he asked her about it and she said she never said it. He told me that he couldn't believe that I would lie and make-up things and wanted to break up with me.
Most of the time he says that he wants to marry me (we have known each other for 30 years and dated on and off through the decades but never had a sustained relationship), but he will not stop seeing this woman. He said that if we get married, she would have to come.
So to recap, they see each other frequently in and outside the office. They phone, text, and email each other too. He sees her more than me because we live so far away. His sisters keep inviting her to all family events and tend not to talk to me much but they are all about her. No one else's ex is invited to family events. They lived together for 8 months and then she left him, took up with a guy at work, and had his baby and they didn't see each other for a few years. I don't know who initiated contact at that point-- she or he, but she's been back in his life for the past 5 years and he said that he's seen her more that we have started dating because she's volunteered to "help me" with the dog sitting. My boyfriend says he doesn't know why they broke up. She asked him to have a baby with her, but she didn't want to marry and he didn't want to have a child out of wedlock. Oh, he also joked that she was "great in bed" and also keeps some of his other previous "friends with benefits" as friends too and invites them to parties at his house. He's also gone to lunch with all three women together. I found that out at his office Xmas party when I realized that I was actually seated with three women that he'd previously slept with that were his "work friends" including this former live-in lover. Imagine my surprise. We all shared something "special."
I just don't know what to think of this relationship. It really bothers me and he says that he will never give her up and would rather break up with me than not be friends with her. He says that he's very "loyal" to his friends and no one can tell him who to be friends with.
To me, that's a huge red flag that he's emotionally unavailable. I don't even know many of the things he tells her about how he is feeling. He says she's gotten too fat to be sexually attractive this days, so I shouldn't be worried.

how can i know if my online chat boyfriend is inlove with me?

My coworkers do this everyday and I am SO annoyed! They're always going to lunch and he'll just SIT at her desk and complain about his wife. Today's topic is how she has asked him to stop talking to my supervisor so much now that their 3rd wheel has quit unexpectedly (was he annoyed, too?)
It makes me sick but it also makes me aware of how I treat my own spouse and reminds me of why and how much I love him. I can only be the change I wish these coworkers would make, I guess.

I have been accused of emotional cheating by my husband. The accusation stems from my random, infrequent, and brief conversations that I have had with an ex-boyfriend of 16 years. This ex and I have maintained these random and infrequent contacts since we broke up so many years ago. The conversations are strictly benign; we were pivotal people in each others lives, and while we are totally different today and do not desire an intimate relationship, we enjoy checking in once in a while. Is this inappropriate?

I think ive had some type of experience with emotional abuse from everyone i know whether it be from family, boyfriends, close friends, husband, and now my current boyfriend. Ive been cheated on before and i do see signs but idk how he can when i go and spend every night with him. For the past 4 months hes been different, he never comes over to my house, rarely calls or texts, hes on the computer downloading new release movies or the older ones, hes constantly checking the status of downloads. He never takes me shopping, out for an evening or just to run errands. Especially he never lets me drive his truck anymore. We use to have sex like as if we were nymphos now im lucky twice a month, he'll rollover and say sorry no sex goodnite. idk what it is he says hes lacking stamina cuz im to insatiable and im a robot that i can just keep going. He knows that im disappointed and hurt hell my self esteem is shot. If we do go somewhere public, the look on his face is like disgust and if theres other women around we have conversations with he looks and talks with enthusiasum, the way he use to talk to me. Im thinking on breaking up with the man i love.

I'm currently going through this hell myself. We have been together for three years and have a 7 month old. Since our sons birth he has been missing alot. Leaves for days at a time to stay with his dad, but when I call or go to visit him there many times he isn't there. Then when I confront him he has some story as to where he was. Yesterday I discovered he has been calling his ex wife from his fathers. I have lost the man i loved and my best friend.. Don't know where to start picking up the pieces????

I have been "cheated on" four times by my husband. The first, was a girl who sent him a bikini photo and he "decided" to talk to her, sending photos of himself to her as well. Of course he rationalized this behavior by stating he was only doing it because he thought I had put her up to it to catch him. I didn't and I don't know the girl, but I found it on his phone. The second was a sepperation where he swears that he didn't leave me for her, but that it "just happened" and then he came home me. The third was when he and I were going through a rough patch and he decided to sign up for a married cheaters dating site. Then the fourth and final act was telling a co-worker that she needed to get laid (definately more explicit language though) but that he was "only trying to help her through a hard time in her life." The insane thing is this, I love him. I don't trust him AT ALL! But the love is the same as before. Does that make me insane? Why am I on mind altering psycho-medications due to my frustration, pain and anger over all of this and he isnt? He really doesn't act like anything happened. He assures me that there is guilt there, but he isn't "beating himself up over it everyday" apparently like he believes I want him too. I don't understand the callousness and the lack of care of my emotions. He "acts" like he cares when it is conveniant for him, but if not; I'm just plain crazy. He says this is all because of this Guy I dated (2 dates) before him who waiting to speak to me in a grocery store until he saw my husband walk away. He said this was a red flag and he should have known this was how I am and left. The only reason the guy came up to say hi was to irritate me due to the fact that I called him out on trying to cheat on his wife with me (we never slept together). He tried to talk to me because he wanted to tell me that they had broken up and that he would like to take me out. I told him no, of course and told him about my boyfriend (husband now) but of course my husband thinks I'm lying and cheating on HIM all of the time. I caused an insecurity with him and he has caused MANY with me. My words of advice are this, if you love him/her, stay and work on it together. But if you KNOW in your heart that you can't make yourself okay with always feeling second place, then it's time to go.

For those of you who have partners with "friends" that cause suspicion....why don't you confront these "friends"? Explain woman to woman how the relationship makes you feel....make it known that you know! It might be surprising to hear what they have to say back and if there is nothing going on...your partners shouldn't mind you expressing yourselves.

Well my husband and i have been together for 12 years and married 4 1/2 years, we are expecting our first child in June. The day after Christmas he walked out on me because he said he didnt love me anymore and needed time to think about me and miss me. Come to find out, I checked phone records and saw where he had been talking to another woman for the past 2 1/2 months. I called her and she said it was just a strong friendship and they have become best friends, he says the same. So he agreed to meet with our youth pastors at church and continue to be involved in church with me on sundays that after 3 weeks he tells me he feels like he is in love with this girl and couldnt picture being without her. He is only involved emotionally because she doesnt see him as more than a friend and shes not gonna be responsible for a broken marriage so she told him they had to cut ties completely and he is so heart broken, he cries thinking about it and he never does that. He wants us to work out and hes not giving up but he doesnt wanna go through life with regrets of what ifs. He believes marriage should be easy and feelings should always be there if you really love someone. He came back home to see if my method is gonna work, professional and pastor counseling. Im letting God take over this and he needs to let God in. Im fighting this till he realizes that we are meant to be together and will have a happy family. Not once have i gotten mad about the situation because i feel it would only make things worse, I forgive him and forgive myself for being so blind sided because this whole time we have been great, hes just been a good liar. So it was a total shocker when he just left me. Praying he wakes up and sees the truth and who he really is. I dont believe in divorce and will not give him that option, So thanful he is willing to see if this works. He thinks its love he is feeling but i dont believe him. Its something new for him and now that he got rejected he is hurting, though i hate to see my husband love someone else but i hate to see him so upset too. WE are both hurting extremely badly and trying to recover. Any advice or can you see him coming out of this being happy with me??

I was being neglected by my husband for a few reasons - work commitments and stresses mostly. As a result my self esteem slowly got warn down. I contacted an ex via the internet during this time. It had been a very long time and honestly did not expect communication between us to reach a highly emotional level, but it did. On two occasions we broke our contact - once by him and once by me but we each reconnected again. As often as I tried to keep things on a sensible, friendship basis he would send me a message saying he wanted to get to know me personally again etc. I hated the game but loved the attention at the same time. I made the decision some months ago to block all contact and am feeling good about it. Perhaps a bit deflated that when I told him to leave me alone that he did apart from a few innocent texts. However, I am now able to focus on what is important again. These relationships are dangerous and often controlled by dangerous cowards.

My ex did this to me, and he's male. It was honestly the worst experience in my life...it broke our relationship into shreds. First of all he had all of these women he talked to on the internet and it was very uncomfortable for me, although he reassured me they were 'just friends'. He also still talked to his ex's. He would get so irrationally angry at me when I would tell him how uncomfortable it made me, he would just say that I was just being jealous and what I thought didn't matter because I had nothing to be jealous about. I felt threatened because these relationships, some seemed stronger than ours, with him talking to them for a few hours a day every day for years, even before I came along.

I then found some texts on his phone with one of his 'friends' trying to convince him to come up and see her and him flirting and laughing saying that he really really wanted to but said that I wouldn't like it, like 'I' was the third wheel. It broke my heart, I had given him everything and he was flirting and having a serious relationship behind my back...I took him back like a fool, at that point I didn't know so much about emotional cheating...although at the time I wished he had just slept with her and didn't give a damn because then it would all be over. INSTEAD he tried to make it MY fault that he was flirting, and I shouldn't be jealous, I told him that I didn't want him to talk to her anymore and he got very angry and defensive and started resenting me for it. Every few months or so he would say "I still miss talking to _____ and I think you're completely unreasonable" He still talked to all his other girly 'friends' as he'd weaseled out of not talking to them.

Later on I then found a letter on the computer he had written to himself about another 'friend', this was the worst, it read like the most romantic letter I had ever seen...about his love for this other woman...(.stupidly I had thought how much of an issue would having internet friends would be, he couldn't cheat on me...how wrong I was!) It even mentioned me, saying that I didn't even matter or compare to his love for her and that his goal in life was to meet her and kiss her under an oak tree etc...that seriously broke my heart, I thought he loved me and I thought what we had was great...stupidly again I took him back. In retrospect I should have thrown him out on his ass, but I didn't want to believe it and he came up with so many agruments saying that it meant nothing to him...ridiculous I know. Long story short, he cared more about his internet friends than me, dismissed my feelings, and ignored my requests. Also when he went overseas he met up with one of his friends, but I told him she couldn't sleep in his room but he argued saying 'where else will she sleep?' um..how about a motel, you moron?? I am pretty sure he didn't have sex with her because his family was broken up by cheating...but I have no idea why he thinks emotional cheating is okay..when it is a million times worse! I broke up with him as soon as he came back from that overseas trip, I realised that he treated me like crap, and didn't give a damn about me, I was like the 'convenient, in-between girlfriend'. It was really hard because we were each others first and had been together for 5 years at that point,..I had thought we would marry...even though he said that he would never marry me...I had just thought he wasn't sure...I was such an idiot.

The previous comment about how an ex had a NEED for friendships with exs sounds exactly like my ex, I think it came down to the fact he was also seeking validation to stroke his ego. As now, I can't stand anything about him, nor can his friends because he is VERY egotistical, to the point that everyone else seems stupid to him but everyone he knows laughs about him or rolls their eyes at how ridiculous HE is . I am glad I opened my eyes and got rid of him. Although he was even a jerk after we broke up, he laughed when I broke up with him, then said that he was planning to anyway and I saved him the trouble. He then tried to convince me that he should stay in my house for the next week before he headed home, he obviously thought he was 'above' break up rules. I still see him around town, wearing the clothes I got him and jewellery, etc...at first it made me feel like a fool, that I meant so little to him that he could wear those clothes without any guilt...but then I just realised that I have more going for me in life, I have good friends and don't need others for validation, I live a real life in the real world, I'm glad I got out of that relationship, and it's just shameful for him that he's still wearing stuff I got him.

Take my word for it, emotional cheating is a million times worse than physical cheating. And when this happens the best thing to do is to break up with them straight away!

i´ve been living with my boyfriend for almost two years. we had some difficult moments last year. by the end of the year he said i was asfixiating him and he wanted some space. he suggested we did things apart. we even spent new years eve apart. i then started noticing he was being secretive. i found out he had been emailing back and forth with a couple of girls. one day he said he was going to meet a friend about a gig. i knew this was one of those girls he had been emailing with. i said nothing. he came home early, but i knew he hadn´t gone to the restaurant he said he was going. i started therapy and the relationship improved, for a few weeks. a few nights ago we went to a party and the name of her friend came up, but turned out it wasnt the same name as the girl he had been emailing with, and the one with whom i knew he had met. in other words, he was using a friend´s name whenever he was going to meet that girl. i confronted him. i told him how i had found out he had lunch with her, i thought he had lied about who he was meeting with that other night. he didn´t deny nor confirm anything. he said he wasn´t going to play my game and manipulated things in way that i ended up being a crazy asfixiating partner who he wouldnt doubt had even followed him. i can´t belive he backfired on me. he thinks i´m attempting against his integrity by having all this information and confronting him. like i have no right -let alone reasons- to have doubts. i can´t believe he has turned it all back on me. and i really dont know what to do. i dont think i can go on in a relationship where i have no right to know anything, apparently. with some who wont take responsability for his actions but instead manipulates things to be a victim.