Emotional Affairs in Marriage - What Are They?

It could also depend on if you can share your feelings with your partner. If you totally hold back from your partner and spill your guts to friends (especially ones you're attracted to, who you have chemistry with), then it's emotional infidelity.
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But is it cheating if you share your feelings with both your partner and your friends?

My boyfriend is friends with a married woman whom he had a sexual relationship with. It occured between her last marriage and her most recent marriage. They still talk and he will text her and tell her he misses her. He tells me that they are just friends.
What do you think?

I'm currently trying to get over an emotional affair. I never saw it coming...almost like I fell into a trap. I realized that I was emotionally drained by my family and this person offered me the attention i craved. I'm sorry this happened and I'm glad it's ended but it is very difficult to recover from....as I'm experiencing now.

My husband recently got caught having an emotional affair. This woman happends to work at the same place he does. He said he told her that the flirting and common talk could no longer happen anymore. Should I still be worried about him being pulled in her direction? They don't work together in the same department all the time but they do work side by side every now and then. And how do I over come my feelings of anger and sadnees over this?... Thank you for listening...softy

It's definitely easiest to get over an emotional affair when there's no contact at all anymore between the two people! But, if you want your marriage to work, then you have to trust your husband. You can't ask him to quit his job, or get her fired (though wouldn't that be nice? :-) ).

Your feelings of anger and sadness may never go away completely. Expressing them is important - and this doesn't just mean talking about them (though that's really good to do!). Expressing feelings includes writing, painting, exercising, meditating, pursuing your hobbies -- there's only so much talking you can do, and talking doesn't always make negative feelings go away.....so I think it's important to express yourself in other ways. See a counselor if necessary.

Finding ways to put the past behind you and move on is really important - but exactly how you do that is different for everyone!

I don't know what is emotional affairs till it involved me (as a victim). I recently discovered that my spouse was actually involved in one. He told me he had hard time hiding it from me but feeling relieved that I found out about it.

I was heartbroken and cried non stop. It's something that I never expect will happen to us. I've never felt so hurt before. I wasn't sure what I'm supposed to do at first and has later decided to confront him because keeping it to myself & pretending that I didn't know about it seems impossible. It's clearly shown on my face that I was totally upset about it.

He finally admitted but assured me that they have already ended some time ago knowing that it'll lead to no where (the woman is an ex colleague and married! and is now expecting first child). Apparently both found comfort from each other being able to talk about anything at all. I also found out there're kissing and hugging but he assured me no sex is involved.

Somehow, we spent the whole day crying and talked it through and we realised there're things that we have taken for granted in our marriage - both of us have our own faults that we're guilty of (just that for him he has ended up in an affair). We have decided to give ourselves a new beginning and we felt like we've fallen in love all over again.

He said I've handled it well. But sometimes, I wonder if I've actually really done the right thing? Am I really that forgiving? Sure thing the heartache will not be forgotten just like that. I've trusted him all this while and it's a pity that the trust has broken (I wonder if I'll have problem trusting him again).

All these happened quite recently and I'm wondering if we've actually survived it? or will there be a come back? But at least after reading this article, I feel better and felt like I've done the right thing (have I?). What do you think? I'm hoping for the best for us of course, as I truly love him a lot. He expressed that his love for me has became stronger after we've gone through this whole thing (I hope he mean it or could it be just a way to redeem himself for all the wrongs he did?).

Or could this be a blessing in disguise? ie. if this didn't happen, we wouldn't have realised what we've missed out in our life and correcting it now?

Would appreciate your view.

Linda

It sounds like you're on the road to a stronger, healthier marriage! Don't anticipate that this isn't really over - that the problems will resurface - because you can actually cause things to go downhill if you focus on it.

Instead, enjoy the view. You and your hubby reached a crisis point in your marriage, solved it together, and are closer than ever. Hold on to that!

Feel free to drop in, let us know how it's going :-)

Take care,
Laurie

This emotional affair nonsense is in some circumstances tripe. We are human beings and we have meaningful relationships with many people in this world including friends, siblings, work associates, clergy and other leadership figures. I do not have an affair opening up to a close friend. When there is genuine abuse in the relationship, my partner has abrogated their ownership of participation in that relationship.
I feel that too many people are playing politically correct on this matter and that it needs treatment and discussion that gives fair measurement of the deep complexities involved.

I recently started to get a bad vibe from the relationship between my spouse and another man. They serve together on the board of our children's school and have to work on a number of projects together. I read my wife's email and discovered he was referring to their meetings as "play dates", sent her emails telling her he was worried about her when she drove the long distance to her mother's house, said he could "sleep better" knowing she was safe, ended his latest personal email with "thinking of you", and sends her emails telling her details of his likes, dislikes, and other personal information.

When I confronted her about it, she insisted nothing was going on, that they were just friends, and that he was her first friend outside our marriage she had made in years. She says she's concerned about me and, over the past few weeks, has told me that I'm too stressed and not to worry. But, the emails from him continue.

Should I be worried? Is she moving into an emotional affair without realizing it?

I recently started to get a bad vibe from the relationship between my spouse and another man. They serve together on the board of our children's school and have to work on a number of projects together. I read my wife's email and discovered he was referring to their meetings as "play dates", sent her emails telling her he was worried about her when she drove the long distance to her mother's house, said he could "sleep better" knowing she was safe, ended his latest personal email with "thinking of you", and sends her emails telling her details of his likes, dislikes, and other personal information.

When I confronted her about it, she insisted nothing was going on, that they were just friends, and that he was her first friend outside our marriage she had made in years. She says she's concerned about me and, over the past few weeks, has told me that I'm too stressed and not to worry. But, the emails from him continue.

Should I be worried? Is she moving into an emotional affair without realizing it?

From a distance, it's hard to say if this friendship will turn into an emotional affair -- or if it's already begun. But, if you feel uncomfortable with this relationship, you do need to be honest. What are your fears or concerns about this friendship? Be honest with yourself, and express your fears and concerns to your wife.

Best wishes,
Laurie

i caught my wife out late from work one night and looked on her phone to find a co worker had been calling her she told me he had been calling for about a month and that she had started flirting with him at work. she had lied to me to buy time that night i know she was with him but she denys it how do you know if it is emotional or physical relationship? she says no touching they just talked and she was getting from him what she wasnt getting from me. confused

If I were you, I'd try asking your wife what she's getting from him that she's not getting from you. That's the root of emotional affairs or emotional infidelity: meeting needs that aren't fulfilled at home.

Ask your partner what they need from you. Try not to be offended or hurt -- but do try to meet their needs in specific ways. Only your partner can help you be a better partner.

I recently found out my husband was having an affair (for 2 yrs actually). I looked through his phone and found txt from another female. She sent him txt kisses and he back to her and I confronted him. I txt her and that's how I found out they had been together 2 years and I told her we were married 10 and she was surprised she told me he told her that we were divorced; found out more from her than I did from him but when I confronted him with what she told me he fessed up. He said they did not sleep together and she confirmed that. They saw each other about once a week, going to clubs on weekends (when I thought he was with his cousins) or eating out for lunch during his lunch break. He tells me that this relationship started because he was stressed out at work and she was someone he could talk to. He said there was no true relationship but when txt with her she seemed to think it was something although they did not see each other much but he did pay a lot of attention to her; attention I told him he could have given me and talked about issues that he should have been talking to me about. I feel betrayed and want to work it out but not sure how to proceed since he lived a sort of double life. He had friends that knew about her but not me. His co-workers knew he was cheating on me and his cousins. I feel like i was made a fool of and everyone knew but me. I knew he was being distant and had a feeling he was cheating but I never had proof; the only way I found out was because one night while he was txt her he looked at me guiltily and the next morning was when I woke up early and looked at his phone. It hurts and I can't stop thinking about all the times he went out with her while I stayed home alone feeling lonely that we had grown apart but still trusting him enough to think that he was with his cousins. i knew he was stressed at work and thats why i really didn't complain about his going out although I didn'tlike it and he knew that I got upset when he left. I want to work it out but I can't get over all the lies he had to keep up with and how easy it was for him to have this double life.

My relationship has ended with a man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.We have know each other for 3 years and 1 year ago made into a committed relationship/talking marriage. I usually give 100% trust in every relationship. He left me last week because he said that I couldn't trust him and wasn't going to stay with someone that didn't trust him.

About 4 months ago I found out that he was talking to a women that he met at work about 10 years ago and calls his friend(she is engaged to be married for the past 8 years to a man she lives with.She used to work with him but she got laid off. He was talking to her about 3 times a day/7 days a week. He also communicates through texts, emails, voicemails, etc.. He has always stated that this person was just a friend and that was it. When we were just friends, he shared many things about her with me and answered questions I asked(such as: if she wasn't engaged would you date her if she was available - he said yes; do you find her attractive - he said yes;).They would meet for lunch/dinner/ birthdays, etc. and never invited me to come along or tell me about them.He also was very secretive about talking with her and would never talk around me.I suggested that it would be great if I could meet her and somewhat agreed.When I first went to met her, they kissed on the lips and hugged,then he introduced me and her face went emotionless almost looking upset.She didnt talk to me the entire time but they continued to talk quitely as he sat between us.

It has been very difficult to be around this as the emotional value of the relationship is drain and the closeness is gone.I asked him to stop but it never did(I looked at the history of his cell phone because of what I was feeling and it was confirmed).He told me she was very upset when he said it had to stop.I tried to call her to discuss with her and she never called me back.We went to see someone and they suggested he stop and put closure with old girlfiends too(because he says they are all his friends). It still didn't stop.Everytime I found out about something(sometimes it would blind side me), I tried to discuss and he would throw in the trust issue so I just became silent.

It was getting hard to live silently and watching it happen.It is very hard to trust someone again after this and all the lies.We are talking but I am afraid to make this work. I love him and alot about him just not this. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks.

I wrote a whole reply, and it disappeared! What a pain.

Anyway, here's the gist of what I said: part of learning to trust a new man (and if you do end up getting back together with your ex, I'd suggest couples counseling to help you two build a healthy relationship) -- is developing a strong sense of yourself as a woman. Take a year off from dating and relationships, and focus on building your self-identity and getting healthy.

You should never live silently with stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable.

I'm a big fan of individual counseling, because I think that objective perspective can help you see things clearly. Once you're healthy in your own emotions and thoughts and behaviors, you'll find it easier to choose a healthy, committed partner -- who won't be attached to another woman (because I think your ex was emotionally cheating on you).

Don't let one man's mistakes (whether he admits them or not) affect whether you trust new men. Don't let him dictate your life like that -- there are thousands of great men out there who CAN be trusted. You just need to find yourself again.

Also, try reading Gary Neuman's books - look for them on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel - he wrote alot about emotional affairs and trust.

Does this make sense? Feel free to post another question or comment -- I can't give psychological advice, but I'm happy to offer my opinion!

My best,
Laurie

I just found out recently that my husband is having an emotional affair with his boss. I noticed that he had been texting to her a lot when it was not working hours. I also noticed that he would always delete those text messages from her. One night after he was texting her all day while being out shopping with me I decided to check his phone. This time around he didn't delete the messages and I was able to read them. I was seeing messages that he missed her, that he had made a CD for her, and that he wished they could spend more time together. Let me tell you I had to go to the bathroom because I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was hit with a baseball bat in the stomach and that my heart had been ripped out of my chest and stomped on.
I finally got the handle on things and confronted him. I told him I demanded to know what was going on. He told me that they kissed in Chicago on a business trip. He told me that they had been drinking and it happened. They had gotten close because both of them were having problems in their marriage and started talking about it. That is when I started crying because I felt like my self esteem just went through the floor. He told me that he never planned for this to get to where it did and he was so sorry that he had hurt me. He didn't cry but he doesn't cry and I know that about him. I cried and he sat there and held my hand telling me that he is so sorry and that he will end everything with her.
He did talk to her the next day and told her that things can never go back to how they were. He still talks to her because they work together but he promised me that it would no longer involve personal things.
He is going on a business trip with her next week. How do I talk to him about this? I can't ask him not to go because this is part of training that he needs to do. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!!!!!

I'm so sorry -- you and your husband are in a sad, difficult situation!

You asked how you talk to him about this....but I think you need to figure out the best way for you and your husband to move forward in a healthy way. Maybe this means he has to quit this job and get a new one. Maybe it means transfering to a different branch of the company. I don't know -- you and he have to figure that out together.

You talk to him about this by being honest about your fears, concerns, and anxieties. I don't know how willing he'll be to listen, or to make changes to help you feel more secure -- but I think you owe it to yourself to be honest with him.

Given his past relationship with his boss (which goes beyond emotional cheating), it doesn't seem reasonable to expect that they'll just go back to a normal boss-employee relationship. Have you ever heard the term, "a bell can't be unrung"? In this case, their actions can't be undone, and it doesn't seem likely that they can just be professional from now on.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. The way to talk to him is to be honest and clear about what you'd like to see happen, and hear his perspective as objectively as possible. Then, hopefully you two will be able to find a way to re-build your relationship.

Best wishes, and feel free to let us know how you're doing,
Laurie

I finally got my fiance to admit that she had been having an emotional relationship with a guy she met in school. Everytime I confronted her about the relationship with this guy she would insist they were just friends and she just felt confortable talking to him about things including problems we were having in our relationship. This would cause huge arguments regularly. I explaind to her that when you are talking to someone of the opposite sex EVERY DAY-ALL DAY and texting them EVERY DAY-ALL DAY its more than just a friendship. Someone may start catching feelings. If she wasn't having sexual feelings, he was. I looked at her phone and found a text that read "you are my lover and my friend and in a perfect world you would be my wife, I love you"; her response was "aww baby, I love you too". When I confronted her about this she insisted it was from someone else and wasn't directed to her. She was finally forced to end this friendship when an incident happened with a family member and she discovered everything i had been saying about this guy was correct. Now he is trying to force his way back into her life by telling her how much he was there for her, he was her only friend and no one knew her better than him. He tells her that he cant sleep and that everything reminds him of her. She tells me that she can see that what she was doing was wrong and that all of the energy and emotionship she had been giving to him she will now put in our relationship. I hope she doesn't fall for his ploy to get close to her again. I just want to get on with our lives and make our relatioinship as strong as possible.

Dear Laurie

I left a comment here earlier under the name of Linda. Things are doing fine with us for now.

Just before the new year, I broke down again. I find it difficult to just 'forget about it'. Since the whole thing has broken the trust that I had on him... I wasn't sure if they still have something going on. I did something that I've never did before. I ran thru' his phone and phone bills and found out there're still 'conversations' going on between them, which he claims there're mistakes with the bill (what a lame excuse).

He was angry that I ran thru' his things but you can't blame me for doing that. He has taken my 'trust' and 'freedom' for him for granted. He told me to forget about it otherwise it'll be very painful for me. I told him while I would want to forget about the whole thing, I've asked him to promise me that he will also need to forget about her and to stop communicating with her totally. It might be hard to just forget but I'm just afraid if there's any communication going on between them still, it'll lead back to the same thing again.

I suggested that we start the new year with new life.. and that we shall never bring up anything about it anymore. He's been treating me all good and we've enjoyed ourselves very much in a holiday during X'mas. I am sure that my love for him is still very strong and I don't want to lose him.

But what is still bothering me now.. How do I forget things that I don't want to remember? I find this really hard. Would appreciate your advise on what I can do to really forget about it? And how can I be sure that there's nothing between them now?

Regards
Linda

Hi Linda,

Thanks for your comment - I certainly don't have all the answers (I wish I did), but I'll give you my two cents.

I don't think you can wipe your memory clean and totally forget about it, but you can stop nourishing your mistrust, hurt, and suspicious thoughts. That means accepting your husband at his word: he has left the past behind, and you two are building a strong relationship together. The emotional infidelity is over, and it's time to move on.

Yes, it's hard. Forgiveness and love is never easy....but you have to focus on what you want your marriage to be like, not what happened in the past. You have to focus on healing.

It takes practice and a constant choice. It's not like you can wake up one day and be all happy and trusting again....you have to choose to be happy and trusting every morning, or three times a day, or even every hour of the day. The more you choose to focus on love, trust, and forgiveness, the easier it gets.

Good luck, Linda! Give it some time and effort, and let me know how it goes.

Laurie

My husband and I have had our share of troubles over the years (10 in June), but I began to suspect there was someone else shortly after I had my second child nearly 2 years ago (although he did display very strange behavior during my pregnancy as well ...). He had become very distant, lost a signficant amount of weight, got a new car. Many folks asked if he was having a mid life crisis and he was only in his 30's! Anyway, I found out last Thanksgiving there was in fact someone else. He left his work laptop on and left the room, so I quickly scanned for anything I could find. When I called him out on it, he admitted he had feelings for this "secret friend/co-worker" and was attracted to her. Through counseling it was determined to be an emotional affair - supposedly no contact was made - even though they took two business trips together - hmmm ... Anyway, over the last year, he has sworn up and down that he is not still talking with her, meeting for lunch or coffee. Well, he got sloppy and checked her receipt of a voicemail he left her the day after Christmas - from our home phone. All of the numbers he keyed were in redial, so I called the number and heard his voice telling her he had pulled over to a pay phone to "tide himself over" that he was thinking about her and he missed her "a whole lot". I was shocked, felt like I was in some bad drama movie. He has been lying to my face for over a year (AGAIN!) -- with conviction. Now I am all he wants and he is ready to save our marriage - a little too late, huh? He met with her on Monday to tell her what has transpired and they will supposedly stop interacting -- for real this time. I have two small children and the idea of how divorce will ruin them kills me; however, how much more lying and betrayal should I stick around for? I lost 15 lbs last year and had to go on depression meds ... that wasn't enough to wisen him up? Why would it be now? Does he deserve another chance? I don'think I have the energy to give this what we need to survive!

I'm sorry you're going through this, and with 2 small kids too!

If you want to avoid divorce and focus on a strong marriage, couples or marriage counseling may be a good option. That way, you both learn objective ways of coping with whatever is trigger his desire for emotional intimacy elsewhere...and you learn how to interact more openly and honestly.

Sometimes you can't just pull it together on your own - you need an outside professional (pastor, rabbi, counselor, psychologist, etc) who can guide you in the right and healthy direction.

Only you can decide if you can give him a second chance, and if you have the strength to try again. But I'd suggest not going at it alone. Get support.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Dear Laurie,
I posted a comment on January 5th about my fiance having an emotional relationship with another man. Its been close to two weeks since she was forced to end the emotional ties to this other man and now she is pushing for us to get married and showing me extra attention whereas before this she was dragging her feet and unsure. I know he still calls her and occasionally sends her text messages. I just have a couple of questions:
1. Do you think she is pushing our marriage so much because she is angry at him and this may be her way of getting back at him?
2. Should I forbid her to contact him at all for any reason? I know she misses their "friendship". I don't want to seem like I don't trust her or make her think that I am treating her like a child and not a partner.
3. How do I begin to move forward from this nightmare and starting thinking about our future together? I get so angry and hurt when I know he is still contacting her. I just want him out of my life...for good!!
I really love this woman and I know she loves me. She is just a bit misguided. Help!!

So many questions!

1. I have no idea why she's pushing marriage. We can speculate until the cows come home, but to know for sure, you'd need to sit her down with a counselor.

2. You can't forbid her to do anything! That's not a sound basis for a marriage -- it sounds like you both need to figure out what a healthy relationship is before you pursue marriage. It's such a huge decision -- you can't go into it with misconceptions or wrong expectations, or you're setting yourself up for disaster. And it's not just your lives that are affected, it's your kids, your parents -- everyone you know.

3. You begin to move forward by exploring the idea of couples counseling. Premarital counseling is a wonderful way to determine if you're meant to be together -- my husband and I did two types of marital counseling before we got married. I'd suggest you two get counseling together -- and the counselor will help you figure out what you both need to do to have a healthy future together.

Good luck and warm wishes,
Laurie

My marriage has been going down hill for the past year out of the four we have been together. Recently my wife has started to talk about finding her soul mate and wondering if I’m the one. We have not been intimate for a while and when I tried the other week she moved away explaining “It doesn’t feel right”. The morning after I confronted her and asked what was going on. After some prying she stated that it’s another man….a co-worker. I asked if she had slept with him or similar….she replied “no”. I asked if she loved him, she replied, “I have feelings for him”. Quickly she stated that he is just a friend and it’s not love feelings. They have gone to a concert together and out to dinner once. She constantly tells me that he(the co-worker) “Gets me” and understands me on an deep emotional level. Devastated and emotional I went that morning and got divorce papers. I filled out my half and the next day I had her fill out the other. She started off crying and pleading to reconcile but within a day she agreed it was the right thing to do. I moved out and we are currently going through couples counseling, but I have some serious doubts. I’m so upset and sad about this. I can’t make a decision on divorce or repair. What can I do to help me decide? Please help!!!

I'm so sorry for what you're going through - you're both in alot of pain, and that makes making a major life decision like divorce even harder!

Couples counseling is the exact right thing to do, and it sounds like now is not the right time to decide what your next step is. This will sound funny, but "relax" into your counseling and your thoughts of your new life without your wife. Don't force yourself to make any decision. Instead, take a deep breath, accept that you're at a major crossroads, and stay open to all the possibilities.

It may be easier to decide about divorce or reconciliation in 3 weeks, or 3 months, or 3 years. There will come a time when the decision will be absolutely or mostly clear to you and your wife......until then, I'd suggest listen to your counselor's thoughts and suggestions with an open-minded heart and head.

Good luck and best wishes, and feel free to update me as time goes by,
Laurie

I am a 33 year old married woman with a 5 year old son. There was nothing wrong in my marriage but still I got involved with a man 40-year-old(not married) whom i used to know before marriage. And from last six months we are having an affair. You can call it an emotional affair. But from last few days feeling of guilt is killing me, i want to save my marriage and put an end to this. Although the other man wants to marry me but I am not prepared to break my marriage. I love this other man alot but want to come out of this relationship which seems to go nowhere. Please help

My husband had an emotional affair. It has been almost 3 months ago that I found out and he had to end all contact with her. He has been true to his word, as I told him I would be checking emails, cell phone calls, etc. Our marriage has become so much stronger throughout the last few months. We have 3 children together and have been together for 9 years. He is a fantastic father and husband, and I have forgiven him. But how do I learn to trust him again? I just can't seem to get over this. How do you put it in the past? I have been cheated on in the past before and he knew how against infidelity I am. His views were the same, but I just can't get over it. I keep playing the entire situation over in my mind, and it feels like it's eating me alove. Any advice is greatly appreciated

Hi there. I've just read through everything on this site and so much of it has hit home.
My boyfriend of one year (living with me in my house for the last 6 months) has always acted very guarded about his friendship with his ex-girlfriend. He lectured me from the start, stating it was important I didn't have a problem with the friendship. I was as open as possible, telling him I wanted to meet her. He made a real fuss about this and the first meeting was far from pleasant.
As the months went by I became aware of her texts and contacting him, far more than his other 'best friends'. Going for drinks together was a regular occurence. I tried talking to him about this, saying I wanted to get to know her better, but he was defensive as usual. He told me he spoke to her regularly on chat sites, that she needed that kind of attention.
After a year of dating I checked an old phone of his and found a lot of texts from the ex-girlfriend. From a period of time when we were together. Saying she missed him, she'd seen an image that made her think of him, lots of love, talking of the past, a load of kisses. I have a very good memory and some of the texts were when we were on holiday together. The one response I saw from him was cheekily sweet, the kind of thing I'd seen sent to me at the start of our relationship.
Upon confronting him, he acted guarded, defensive, turning it round on me in a fit of anger. He says he'd never give up the platonic relationship for our relationship. He refuses to budge and says it's me with the problem. I wouldn't give him a 'her or me' ultimatum (I'd be happy with a reduced amount of contact or at least a discussion on my boundaries), but he seems to think that's the only solution.
Months ago I'd seen texts on his phone using sexual words, not in an explicit manner but jokingly flirty between them.
I feel so hurt, and had considered speaking to the ex about it. But suspect this would be fruitless.
Your thoughts are very appreciated.

Hi

After marriage, my husband got back in touch with one of his classmates from school, who was then married with 2 children and now has 4! She lives down south far far away only in terms of miles. My husband has been calling her and receiving calls at all times including odd times. Everytime I asked him about this, he would belittle me and say that I had "filthy" thoughts. And I let it go for sometime and stopped checking the cellphone records. My daughter was born in 2007. Few weeks ago I looked into the records only to realize what a fool I have been. They stay in touch and she calls him blocking her telephone number... so that it comes as "unavailable". I am not going to ask him anything now, because they will then find someother way to communicate. And even if I ask him, he is going to spurn me right away. In addition to that the cell phone records indicate lot of picture/video messages back and forth. Not sure what to make of this. Another statement of my husband is that I am "conservative" in my thinking. I know I have to be careful in my actions and have my daughter's interest and happiness as the priority.
We never had a good sex life and now dont have any! I hear people say that is an indicator of a happy marriage. Is that correct?
Am I wrong in feeling let down?

I think physical intimacy is one indicator of how a marriage is going...and how spouses communicate and respect one another's feelings are two more signals of whether a marriage is happy. So is having emotional connections to people outside the marriage! Most happy marriages consist of two partners who are focused solely on each other.

No, I don't think you're wrong to feel let down.

I hope you can find a way to rebuild a connection with your husband. Here -- I'll write an article about doing just that, and post the link here! Just give me a couple of days.... :-)

Best regards,
Laurie

Hi laurie, I posted a comment as a guest on 27th Jan at 10.22. Just wondering if you had any thoughts? Thanks!

Thanks for the nudge; sorry I didn't respond earlier!

What really strikes me is his refusal to give up his platonic relationships for your relationship. I expect my husband to put me first, before anyone -- even when he was "just" my boyfriend.

And, I agree with you: speaking to the ex is fruitless. Even more, it would throw all sorts of fuel on the fire! Your boyfriend would be angry, and rightly so. This something that needs to be solved between you and him.

My honest thoughts: figure out how you want to be treated by your boyfriend, and settle for nothing less. Don't be afraid of ultimatums, and don't be afraid of being left alone. Being single is a far better option than being in a relationship that causes you pain, anxiety, frustration, and confusion.

I hope this helps -- I'm sure it's not exactly what you were hoping to hear, but those are my thoughts!

Warm wishes - and feel free to comment again, if you like...
Laurie

Thanks for replying Laurie (Feb 7, 2009 3:38 PM).

After weeks of horrible arguments (him manipulating conversations and arguments to focus the blame onto me!) there was a small breakthrough of him admitting he could be defensive and a small apology for his way of dealing with the issue. Although this was at the point when he thought he was going to lose me for good. During conversations he's lied and told half-truths.

It's been a very tough time, at one stage I did actually call the ex to see if we could meet up as I literally felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall. She mailed me and told me she didn't want to and that she'd done nothing wrong. Although she was only referring to one message - it seems my boyfriend has been economical with the truth with her too (it's much more than one message). My boyfriend and she have also been discussing things about the situation between themselves as he's told me bits and pieces. I've noted he's taken to deleting any texts he receives from her, too. We're going to try some relationship counselling which is the only thing left I feel can help. Thank you so much for your words, I'd be interested to know what you think now I've updated you!

That's great that you're going to relationship counseling! An objective, professional eye might be just what you both need.

Keep me posted -- I'd love to hear the counselor's take on your journey. And, remember that counseling can be difficult. You really do have to look at the worst and best of who you are, which can be painful.

Good luck!

Laurie

For tips on surviving an emotional affair:

http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipsandtipsforachievinggoals/729

Please help me. Husband has had an emotional affair with a married woman from work for the past 7 months and I am devastated. I feel betrayed and violated. He's lied and deceived me so many times. I went to store one day and he was not there. Turns out him and her were at a park together. I totally lost it that day, if I had a baseball bat I would have used it. He insists that he is doing nothing wrong. But, I tell him just cause he's not having sex doesn't mean he's not doing something wrong. I just recently thought he had to have been attracted to her for him to have given her his cell phone number and for him and her to call each other 161 times in one month.
They just recently stopped calling each other on the cell phone. But,I hurt so bad and have no clue how to get over this or to put it behind me. I DONOT TRUST THIS MAN ANYMORE. I have thought of divorce, but I have no job and all my family has passed away, so I have no one except this man that is cheating on me. I feel I'm stuck, honestly I sometimes feel my only way out of all this pain is to just end it. It's like that's the only opition cause I hate how I feel living in it. Please give some advice. I just hope I have been able to relay the devastation I feel. We have been married for 31 years.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles -- it sounds like you really feel powerless and isolated.

Since you say you can't leave, it seems like you have 2 choices: continue as you are, or accept your husband's emotional affairs. You can't change him, but you can change how you deal with his behavior.

Continuing as you are sounds like a recipe for disaster! You'll either hurt yourself or him -- and if you hurt him, you'll be hurting yourself because you could end up in deep trouble. So, that may not be the best option.

If you accept your husband's emotional affairs, you may stop feeling powerless and angry. Some couples live this way for years: accepting each other's bad behavior for the sake of the kids, or because they feel there is no other option. I'm not saying this is right - and I'm not saying you should do this! I'm just suggesting different ways to deal with this situation.

Obviously, you'd like your husband to stop his emotional cheating. But since you can't change him, you need to figure out what else you can change, and tackle that.

I'm sorry I don't have the magic solution! I wish I could be more helpful.

Laurie

Laurie, I guess I'm heading for disaster cause I can not accept all that he's done. I'd have no idea of how to even begin to accept it. One of the hardest things is he feels no remorse or ever said he's sorry for causing me all this heartache.
Pam

dear laurie,
my husband of six years just told me he was in love with another woman.they meet through work. We have two beautiful children who think the world of there dad. i still think the world of him. I am not willing to loose him. He has decided that he wants to make it work with me. we are making an appoinment today with a psych office here. can he ever really get over her? she is away at school now but he still works with her sister and her mother? should i ask him to find a a new job?

Those are questions you need to discuss with your counselor and husband -- and I'm happy to hear that you'll be making an appointment!

Yes, partners can overcome emotional affairs. Whether he should get a different job depends on many factors, which you need to talk through. It's great that he wants to make it work with you, and you need to trust him that he's ready to put the past behind him, and work on a healthy relationship with you.

Good luck -- you're on the right road. It won't be an easy road, but it's the right one!

Ok hate me if u want to but here is the other side of the coin.....I am miseable in my 25 year marriage!(I married at age 14) ... have tried to leave but my husband is soooo emotinally unstable and dependant and when I am gone it burdens our grown children so much I come back for thier sake, I would rather be unhappy than hurt anyone else......That is why I have affairs

i feel bad for saying this but its relieving to see that i'm not the only one who feels cheated, emotionally. i'm married to a wonderful guy for about a year and a half now.. but he still hasn't socially accepted our marital union at work or with 'friends'. i dont know how he can say he loves me but not want to share this truth with people he sees everyday.

he's had a really bad childhood, so i kept telling myself that he's still turned out so well for the 7 years that we were going steady. his father's an alcoholic and his mother took off willingly, as she couldn't handle the relationship i guess, when he was still young. his father sent him to boarding school and wasnt allowed to see his mother but she would somehow over the years meet him secretively with the help of relatives. my husband wasn't too keen about interacting with her but i always encouraged him. we lived together for 3 years before we decided to tie the knot. he was absolutely perfect then. his mother even came to visit us for a few days when it was convinient to her.

the problem started after we got married. we had a small ceramony with only family bcoz he was too ashamed to have friends n collegues over in case his dad gets drunk. i've always wanted a small wedding so i didn't mind but everyone that i know knew that we were tying the knot. he started lying about how all his friends also knew but.. he just would never acknowledge that he hasn't told anyone but i'd known the whole time but wasn't sure about who all the hasn't told.

then suddenly he stayed getting really busy at work, had to please the bosses by going out for drinks after work, taking trips with them, spending weekends with them, since my job involves extensive travelling i didn't realise all this for a while. then i had a health problem because of which i was adviced bed rest and i stared putting on weight coz of no exercise n alot of medications. thats when i started realising that he never has any time for me. he had no interest in me physically or emotionally. so that's like no sex for 8 months, emotionally never available for a year n a half. he's been hiding the fact that all this time he was actually spending all his time with a girl from work, i've found romantic texts, her clothes even condoms in a bag he hid from me, yet he says he's never slept with her. even if i believe that what about the emotional attachment with her. she clearly likes him but didnt know i even existed. am i wrong to feel cheated?

what about the husband who says he wants to work on the marriage(caught in adultery and emotional affair as well - separate issues) but even though he knows the emotional affair is wrong refuses to stop? He told me he would stop in Nov and in Mar met up with her 2x in one weekend. I love him but how can i convince him that he's threatening our marriage and my emotional health? The sexual affairs have ended but he admittedly is too selfish to stop the "friendship" with the "angel" who has helped him work on our marriage. She is so much fun! RRGGHH
HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP

Can you trust your husband? It doesn't sound like he's stopped having affairs - emotional or otherwise. How do you work on a marriage when one partner is lying and cheating? The reason you need help is that you CAN'T work on a marriage like that!

Will he go to couples counseling? The sooner he figures out why he keeps having affairs - and it's not just because she's fun - the sooner you two can overcome your marriage crisis and get things back on track.

Hi Laurie
Thanks for your worthy 2 cents!

I have to admit that it hasn't been easy in the surviving process. It's been almost 6 months since I discovered about the affair. It's been a rocky road, having gone thru' all the talking, crying, arguing..etc..

But I guess what you suggested is right - focus on all the positive stuff to make the relationship works.

I think I'm pretty happy now with how things are for the both of us - spending more time together, communicate more, appreciate each other more, show some attention and affection..etc.. I definitely prefer
this than all the heartbreaks from all the talks of the painful past.

Thanks so much and I'm so glad that I found this article.
I have one more thing to share with everybody, especially the 'survivors'.

Remember the 3A's to make the relationship works (I came across with this topic on radio by a psychologist) = Attention, Appreciation and Affection.

Regards
Linda

Hello,
I am writing on behalf of my mother. She has been married to my father for over 25 years. He has cheated on her within these years. Now there seems to be another issue, which has been on going for about 2 years. There is a woman, that he is friends with. My mom does not like this. This "woman" does not like my mother. My dad seems to care a lot of this woman, and is always spending time with her, has conversations with her, does everything with her. My mother has spoken to my dad about hows she feels, and he has made it clear that there is no one, not even herself or kids that can change the relationship he has with this woman. He has made it clear that he isn't having an affair with this lady, but it's hard for us to believe him, since he has in the past with other woman. This has ruined my mothers life, and has caused major stress in my life because i'm the only one she has to talk to. This other "woman" always calls my dad, they do things together, and the share more time just having fun, while my mother sits at home worrying. He doesn't show my mother any love what so ever, he sleeps in his own room, he calls her names, and its really sad. I am not sure how to help my mom go through this, she is so hurt and disturbed mentally. Sometimes i feel she will end her life.. The thing that hurts the most is that they live in another country, and i am going to see them soon. Is there any advice, that anyone can give me? I have spoke to my dad before on how and what he is doing, and nothing has changed. I want him to know, that he has affected the whole family, and i what him to really think about it...for ONCE!!! any advice out there? thanks and god bless!

I'm sorry for both you and your mom...it sounds like your dad is enjoying his emotional affair without any regard for your mom's feelings at all.

As much as you'd like to help your mom and change your dad, you may be discovering that you don't have that kind of power. Your dad is choosing to spend time with his friend, and your mom is choosing to stay with him. I'm sorry, but there's not much you can do to change their relationship, or convince them to make different choices.

All you can do is express your thoughts and feelings, and then let it go. You can't rescue your mom, unfortunately. When you visit them, do look for resources in their community that could help her, such as support groups, workshops, help lines -- I don't know, but there may be social service-type or women's groups to tap into. If she doesn't have friends to lean on or talk to...then I don't know if there's much you can do about that.

You can also ask your mom what she needs from you. She may have some specific ideas of how you can help...or she may not want to "burden" you with her requests.

I think the hardest thing - and the best thing - you can do is simply accept that they're both adults, making their own choices. Choosing emotional infidelity and choosing to stay in the marriage doesn't seem healthy or right, but they're adults, living their own lives.

Sorry I don't have the magic answer, and good luck on your visit.

Laurie

It says to forgive the man and move on. I finally did that after 2 1/2 years of him telling me to let it go. By the way, this is a women he had a relationship on and off with for several years before we were together then once after but before we were married. So the very night when we fight about it again and he leaves for a few hours. I finally make up my mind that it is over and I can trust him and move past this. Wrong, not an hour later I learned he had never stopped again. I had bought him a cell phone and the 1st person he had called was her. He had had the phone several months and I never checked his calls. But there was this number starring me in the face so I looked it up on reverse directory and it was her. He told me before we were married that he cared for me and would learn to love me in time. I tried to call it off but he insisited we would be ok. He admitted then she was the only women he had ever truely been in love with. Funny thing is I called her when I found her number and she seemed a little surprized at how deep his love really was but seem flattered. She also told me she wondered why he never failed to tell her he loved her and she was the only women he had ever loved! I have not heard those words from him in years and only several times throughout our May 14th 27th wedding anniversary or the 2 years we lived together before that. I have known this time since Dec. 08. I am not able to get past it again and doubt I ever will. I am sure they are still writing and calling each other behind my back but he uses other addresses of friends or family and calls her from work with a prepaid phone card. So someone tell me how to forgive him and move on again?? I also have a letter he wrote her that is very detailed on how much he loves her and dreams and lusts after her?? Anyone have any ideal how to forgive this when I know it is still going on?? We are raising our 6 and 9 year old grandchildren. We have had legal custody of them for 5 years so this makes it hard also. I'm just lost???

I'm sorry for you and your marriage - it must be devastating to live with a man who has betrayed you that way.

I don't think you can ALWAYS forgive your partner for an emotional affair, and just move on with your relationship. It depends on so many things: his attitude and committment for the future, your relationship, your living situation. There's not a "one size fits all" rule for dealing with emotional infidelity.

You need to decide if you can live with your partner's evidence of an emotional affair! It doesn't seem like he's willing to give her up, so it's up to you. Maybe he doesn't think you'd ever kick him out, which is why he keeps contact with her. Maybe he's too weak to leave, and too weak to give her up. Maybe he wants to have his cake and eat it too!

You can't change him into a respectful, loving, NON-cheating husband. All you can do is express your feelings, describe your version of a healthy relationship, and then either accept his actions or leave if he disregards your feelings and opinions.

It's especially difficult when you have kids in the house -- and I commend you for raising your grandchildren!

Regarding forgiving and moving on: it's a lifetime process that won't happen overnight. And, the only way you can forgive is if you trust him, that he won't stay involved with her. Can you trust him? If not, forgiving is much more difficult. Is it impossible? I don't know. It depends on you.

But, you can't forgive him if you know he's still involved. The onus isn't ALL on you to forgive, my friend. The onus is also on him to take steps that make him worth forgiving.

What do you think?

Laurie

Thank you Laurie for the kind words and advice. I'm just lost. I feel like I have loved a man for almost 30 years with nothing in return. Today was our anniversary and of course he didn't remember again.
I used to trust him 110% and he blew it. Then I forgave him and tried to put it in the past and move on only to learn it had never stopped even though he was being creul to me saying I needed to get over it?? And he was lying all the time. I am sure he is still calling her and probally always will. I know I need to give up and just go but it is really hard espically with two grandkids that have already lost one home. What to do?
He has hurt me many times and I always end up just letting it go but I just can't this time. I guess I have loved him like he has loved her and neither one of us got what we wanted. He is the only man I have been with since I was 18 so I have no ideal where to even begin to start anew. I just want so bad to be loved and wanted by someone before my life is over. I have never had that kind of love. I want to feel what it feels like to have someone love me back. I know that is never going to happen with him because he can't let go of the past and move on. This really sucks but I know what I have to do I just don't know where to begin.
Again thank you, I'm glad someone is here to vent to.

Is it still considered an "emotional affair" if a spouse has been meeting to french kiss besides? My wife of 16 years just finished her emotional affair with a past boyfriend from high school. They were hoping it could have gone further, but agreed to end it after I found a phone text text showed their strong feelings for each other and confronted her on it. The problem is, she is now wondering what she wants as the emotional affair felt so good, even know she knows it was wrong. She stated she has no guilt for what happened. We are considering counseling, but we've heard so many stories how some counselors have ended marriages. Plus, I just confronted my wife and stated that she needs to decide, does she want to end it, or make the effort and make our relationship even better. Her reason seems to be that she is no longer attracted to me. We also have two young boys (9 & 4) that know something is not right. We don't fight but have been discussing this since she told me about it a month ago. Do you have any suggestions on steps we should take?

Yes, I have a few suggestions about the steps you should take!

Many couples are struggling with the same problem, so I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.

I hope to see you there.

Laurie

I feel this emotional affair label is a bit overblown and somewhat PC, as another poster mentioned. I do find it interesting (appalling) at the number of times the 'injured spouse' says things like "while reading my spouses e-mail" 'or 'while looking at my wife's cell phone call log' What an invasion of privacy and lack of trust! Perhaps that's just the sort of abuse that led to the 'emotional affair' in the first place.

Hi there,

I am going through a very tough time right now. My boyy friend and I had been together for almost 2 year thill this week. I found pictures of another womens private parts in his cell phone. I spoke with him and he triedto lie at first stating a friend sent them to him. He then said the girls name and claimed he did not know her and has never met her. I was very hurt and upset and asked him to leave my home. He has sent me too one liner e-mails since stating "I did not cheat on you". He has not tried to call or come to my place. I have not contacted him either. I am so very devastated and hurt and I am unsure where to go from here. I have no idea what happened with the two of them but do know people don't just sent pictures of there private areas without having a pretty intimate conersation more. About a year ago I did find my boy friend text messaging a girl and his explaination was he didn't know her and it was stupid. I got over that but I feel he has not learned and has taken it to the next level. Please help because my heart tells me one thing and my head tell me something else.

Hi,

I think you know what you should do, but you’re reluctant to let go because it’s HARD to break up with your boyfriend! It’s a very painful, heartbreaking experience….but your head is telling you that it’s the right thing to do.

I can’t tell you if you should break up with him or not, but I can reiterate what you already know: he’s already been involved with other women in the past, and if you stay in this relationship, it’s reasonable to expect that he’ll be involved with other women in the future. Plus, his involvements seem to be getting more intimate. This is how emotional affairs start….and how they can lead to physical affairs.

Dr Phil says, “For every rat you do see, there are 100 you don’t see.” He says that when we catch people behaving poorly, we’re just seeing the surface. We don’t know what else the person is hiding, but according to Dr Phil there is definitely more beneath the surface.

I’m sorry you have to go through this, but you will survive! And, in the long run you’ll be much happier and healthier if follow your head.

If you need help letting go, Google “letting go of someone you love tips.” I’ve written a couple articles on surviving emotional affairs and moving on, and many people have shared their stories. Reading my articles and the reader comments might help you decide what to do!

All best,
Laurie

Thank you so very much for your advice Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. I did speak with him briefly today and have asked him to write me a letter explaining what happened and his insight on why it happened. He has agreed to do so. I think this will give me some closure and answer the questions that have been going through my head.

Thanks again (:

Great article....I have a situation that I need some feedback on. Last year, shortly after my husband and I got married, a woman from his past that he had a sexual relationship with and known for about 17 years, sent him a friend request on facebook. About three days later she sent a message in all caps that show she was a bit upset that she didn't find out from him that he got married being a friend for so many years. We talked about it and it didn't bother me if he communicated with her via facebook but he told me he didn't think it would be the best thing to do. Well this month, although he still hasn't accepted her new friend request, I found out that he had been communicating with her, this year, on facebook from email notification. He deleted every facebook message from her and every message he sent her except for one. I confronted him about this.
It seems like he was having an emotional affair with her and didn't want me to know so he kept it from me. He told me he erase the messages and didn't tell me because he wanted to avoid upsetting me. Is it okay to hide things like that in a marriage to avoid conflict? I really want to move on from this but having a hard time. I find myself disappointed in his actions and express this. It seems clear communication is a problem for us. What to do?

I have been in a emotional affair. I am 25 this happened two years ago btw I am married but my husband being older is not as emotional as I am. We dont hold hands he realy ever smiles, I feel like i need that. Any how we have been trying to recover from my 6 mth relationship with another guy...it is really hard he still has trust issues, he disects my bbm status FB, Twitter tweets it is hard. I am wondering when will I be trusted again! Feel flustered...

to guest (dtd 10/21/2008 7:36 am),
Have you recovered from this emotional thingy? Since when? What did you experience as difficult? I wasn't the one who committed it, it was my spouse. I'm suffering because of it. I'd like to know, please respond. Thanks

It seems that most of these comments men were committing emotional infidelity/affairs as they call it. I, on the other hand had it done to me by my wife with her brother-in-law who came to live with us for almost a year per my wife's permission of course being the husband of her sister. He lives with his family in the Philippines but came here with a tourist visa. At that time my wife and I had relationship and family issues.He was initially more like a referree and then a counselor and eventually they develop an intimacy emotionally in which during the course of that year it came from him a constant early morning and late at night text messages like "hi hope you're okay! call me anytime" typical harmless sweet notes but of course that consistency and occasional talks on the phone with my wife where she would be in the bathroom it became quite apparent he had other motives. I mean he did the laundry of my wife's clothes as well as her intimate apparels folded them learned intricacies and diligently about care of toddlers while literally devoted his time to keeping the house clean and maintained, the driving and picking up of the kids to and from school, cooking and the obvious extra thoughtfulness of loking for my wife's needs. Any fool would notice it. Any but my wife who embraced this scenario to a point where she literally had me thrown out of our home and out of her life while her brother-in-law was conveniently performing much of my inherent responsibilities and daily routines. During these times my wife had completely ignored me. When I tried to open up and tell her my feelings of what has been happening and giving her printed articles about emotional affairs and all that. She got more upset and defensive that I have a dirty mind that my suspicions were baseless and that she was so disgusted with me. To those direct questions addressed politely in as so much as my civility can manage about what was going on she would just go very mad at me yelling things like " What do you want from me! " Why do you ask the same questions over and over again!! Nothing!! Nothing ever happened!! Okay?" Well thing is setting aside the fact my emotions were ignored repeatedly over and over while avoiding my efforts to solve issues by communicating and refusing my requests for the two of us to go out and just talk. I went into emotional and psychological downfall. Lost my pride and integrity that comes from being the husband and father of a healthy striving young family, lost my self esteem and despite I have gut it out and is back while her brother-in-law is back now in the Philippines and I have knowledge he was supposed to come back but his wife is not letting him this time I suppose and quite not surprising but my wife is really my main issue. Either she is just so heartless or don't have a clue at all. But I do believe it's both! Yet not an excuse to torment someone who was supposed to be your betterhalf and the father of your kids emotionally. Although I may never find out if it did eventually went into physical sex that despite concrete evidence the whole scenario and where things were leading to were so clear and I believed it in my heart that my wife was just downplaying and pretending to not realize but all her moods, her liveliness, her coolness felt like all the cells in her body were just dying for the moment when I was already gone and the house is left with no one but she and his brother-in-law well not discounting the kids but hey they were naive little kids. And yeah I was kicked and gone for a month until I decided to fight back and exercise my legal rights bounded by our marriage in California. Now we're in limbo and though I am once again the father and properly so with all responsibilities included the "husband part" is another matter I was hurt so much and the lack of remorse or even just an acknowledgement of the fact that she did me wrong never occurred and she would still go into these emotional outbursts the marriage is failing fast but I'm at peace now with myself I am here for the kids while I am mostly important as an integral part of their growth and development during their formative years. Till then will I guilt free and morally strong go out to the world and live life to the fullest never be again be subjected into a very complex intricate emotionally draining scenario like where I had been and actually is still in. My last point is that regardless my ordeal had them advance into physical affair or not. It did not matter anymore after you go through it because it's no different with what amount of pain, torment one has to deal with barring the same situation as mine it is as though it occurred and occurred much even more than what we want to believe but really it becomes irrelevant how many times or how long once you are subjected to deal with an emotional infidelity I tend to agree with the experts who reveals that perhaps the emotional affair is actually harder to overcome than the physical sex affair because the pleasure do not last and linger on unlike what emotions are capable of doing. So there! It's a relief to air out!

Laurie your article has helped me cool down and deal with my inner feelings rather than focus on the aftermath of finding out my man who spoke of a future with me, had actually been living with a woman who I assumed to be his long time girlfriend.

He is a 41 year old Correctional Sergeant and I, a 37 year old Education Liaison. We met online and soon started building a relationship via phone and a month later began to date. He lives in another state, but approx. 35 min away.

Given his long hrs at work and opportunity for overtime, I began to sense a pattern with him. He would begin to call me when he was going to or returning from work. To make a long story short, I had to confirm my suspicions by running a background check on him. I believe he was hoping that his stories where he played victim due to past hostile behavior from exs the fact he was in law enforcement (no record) etc. and that he was a loyal to his mother and immediate family, I would never even entertain having to check up on him. Well I did and found that he has been living with a woman (likely his girlfriend or fiance') for a number of years. I did not tell him all of the information I had at first, but did ask his address. He gave me one and I proceeded to look up who the owner was... it was not him, but a wonderful man I spoke to after using a search method to obtain the landline number. He was gracious and informed me that he had been the owner for 2 years. I then confronted my boyfriend.

He still continued to tell me he lived at the address in question until I told him the lengths I went through to find out that he didn't. He got very defensive and pretty much told me to move on.

I am heartbroken. I am a woman who was used and abused by a man who had me completely fooled. A man I was willing to introduce to my family and I have never made it to such a point in my life, let alone entertain marriage. He seemed stable, mature, honest, humble.. the qualities I admire. Then when all this unfolded I began to look at my own levels of honesty, stability, maturity, and humility.... I saw cracks in each one. How can I desire such high levels of respect when I haven't been acting in the best light myself? I say these things because I allowed the situation that was unfolding to allow me to forget about all the things I wanted in myself and a mate... I tried to manipulate him into being honest (lies and lack of integrity). I tried to find stability in the relationship all the while I should have focused on my own independence and stability. My immaturity rose from the ashes when I sought to destroy this man's career and self image through plans that I had devised in my fit of anger. My lack of humility because I could not humble myself and forgive in the moment of passion due to his unwillingness to apologize and come clean of his wrong doing. I wanted justice, to feel vindicated and righteous... yet who am I really?

Yes, I am hurt and I do not blame myself, but in order for me to move on I have to repair the breech... repair the damage I have allowed to errode the very traits I want in my life - honesty, stability, maturity and humnility. - in the end, I apologized for my schemes and made a clean break with no hard feelings. I resolved never to entertain the matter or attempt to destroy him.

I am much better for it and walked away with my dignity and self respect.

I want to love again and be open to all the things a true relationship can bring.

Blessings to those starting over. You are in my prayers.

- D

if they are just friends it might be okay. but the thing is. do they talk all the time day after day to the point were it is putting a strain on yal's relationship. if so . then ask him or tel him how you feel, and yall talk about it. and just ask him if he osnt mind not giveing her up, but not talking to her as much, so that yall have time for yal' self. and yall's relationship.

Has anyone ever had to deal with your partner still maintaining a close friendship with his ex? My partner and his ex talk via phone, email or text almost on a daily basis. I understand they have things to deal with about the children but he has said that not all conversations had are about the children. He swears that they are no longer attracted to each other and I have nothing to be concerned of. I have been having a hard time with all of this for a long time as I don't feel they should be in constant communication when there are no issues with the children to deal with. After speaking over the weekend he has also said that he feels like he cant emotionally commit to me after almost 2 years of being in the relationship and that he still feels broken. I feel like he can't do this because he can't let go of her for some reason. Am I seeking counselling, but have only had one appointment so far, but would like to know if anyone else has experienced something similar.

This article was helpful however, would have liked to read more about how to disrupt the emotional rollercoaster

By accident, a few months back (February2012) I stumbled upon an excessive amount of text messages between my sister and my husband and I called them both on the carpet on it. My sister said she felt uncomfortable about it and didn't know how to tell me that my husband was seeking her out to complain about household and personal issues between him and I. My husband on the other hand was blowing it off and got offensive claiming he could do what he wanted when I told him that I didn't want him doing it anymore. Then the other day I found more text messages between them and questioned both of them again and ended up going to see a counselor because they both were making me feel like I was the one in the wrong here by complaining and the counselor told me it is a type of emotional cheating on both their parts. I think my sister gets the pitty she is constantly striving for from him and anyone else who will give it to her and my husband gets someone to blow off his steam to who probably makes him feel like he is not doing anything wrong by telling a family member. They both said nothing in sexual nature has happened but I feel like they are lieing about stuff to me. I believe that nothing sexual has happened but believe they both are carrying a level of guilt because I found them out. What is your take on this???

This is a great article. I love the two lists which distinguishes between a healthy marriage vs. an unhealthy one.

Overall I think your article is excellent.
On one of your points *Unhealthy Marriages involve: Passively toleration of emotional infidelity. I just want to say how difficult it is to work on that when the cheater goes into anger mode when you even touch on it. Or after being confronted simply goes into stealth mode. Thank GOD for couples therapy.

I'm all for polyamory and I don't think it's wrong as long as your partner knows about it. it's not a big deal.

Laurie! I need your advice on what has been going on in my life and what should I do.

I just read all of the comments in this Emotional Affairs blog... and I too am going through the drama of so many others that have posted on here.

I am engaged to a man that I have known for the past 16 months. We have had several bumps in the road mainly because of his desire to communicate with women of the opposite sex.

Right off the get go he acted like his ex girlfriend wouldn't leave him alone, he would get calls and texts, etc... then when I was on his computer I saw dozens of emails from him to her and he initiated these emails. He was asking her if they would ever get back together and why couldn't they be friends... the next incident was an ex girlfriend of his from college (more than 10 years ago) she was going through a divorce and they all of a sudden were talking on the phone, facebooking and texting, etc. I told him I didn't like him talking to ex-lovers because it's just not right nor fair to me, and one of the 2 usually have left over feelings for the other in situations like that. I ended up texting this girl from his phone one night when he was sleeping and she sent a text to him... she ended up telling me that my boyfriend told her we had a off again on again relationship- which wasn't the case!

So then he started talking to the nurse who works at the hospital where his dad was having a minor surgery. He went to high school with the nurse and hadn't seen her in years. His argument was he never dated he so their relationship was harmless. They would talk, text, facebook, email at all hours, for months.

He is always guarded, didn't go far without his phone, had passwords on his computer, etc. He would constantly say I was insecure and jealous that he has female friends. Let me tell you, I am a VERYsecure woman, I just don't like someone lying to me and I will go to all extent to catch a liar if I suspect one... well my suspicions were justified.

I uncovered he had been communicating with yet another ex girl friend throughout our entire relationship. She knew nothing about me nor that we were engaged. She told me how they had sex last April when his friend was in town and I wasn't at the house. She also told me they had phone sex 2 weeks ago. She shared with me the phone records and he denied everything, besides texting and talking on the phone (because there was proof)! He did admit she was at his house during the time she claims they had sex. He just told me he wanted to confess that they are only friends and he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me.

He also coughed out another name of another friend of his that I didn't know about. I ended up talking to her on the phone and she said she new he had a girl friend/fiance' but they are 100% just friends and she talks to him on pretty much a daily basis for sometimes 40 minutes each call. They met during our relationship.

I am so frustrated with all this drama! I never date men like this! He claims he will stop talking to women period! He doesn't want to lose me! I told him I just can't trust him or anything he says because of the extensive lying he has done- he's damaged us! When I said yes to marry him I didn't know he was a liar and had to talk to females and exs daily about who knows what! I've given him ever opportunity to admit he had sex with that one girl yet he won't.

I do know he loves me and I love him... but I am 37 years old and want to have children and get married and I can't jeopardize my future due to all the drama he creates! Oh yeah he has been divorced for 3 years, yet he continues to talk to his ex wife on a weekly basis and they have no children! I am ok with this because he told me about their continued friendship when we met.

Can he really change? Why won't he let go of his past, so we can have a healthy future? And why would he jepordize our relationship for what he calls "friendships"?

I told him the only way I'll consider a future with him, is if he seeks help by going to a counselor. He said there's no way he's talking to a stranger, and besides, he questions what they could do.

His Mom is an alcoholic and compulsive liar and has literally ruined his childhood and adult life. He has recently dissociated himself with them all together.

Is there hope or should I just move on? Please help!

Waiting for your reply. :(